A few days ago I was in Wendy’s and decided to give their new cod fillet sandwich a try. I enjoy a good fish sandwich, and even a few questionable ones (McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish, for example). And the TV commercials for that new Wendy’s deal had successfully captured my attention, which isn’t an easy thing to do; I’m usually just sitting there like Slingblade.
Yeah, but it turned out to be a tactical error. I could barely finish my lunch. Clearly, they use an ice scream scoop to administer the tartar sauce. Holy hell. Every time I took a bite that shit would ooze in a full 180-degree spectrum. It’s all I could taste, and before it was over I had tartar sauce on both forearms, and in my hair.
Never again. I even scraped off a bunch with a plastic knife, and there was still too much. Unless you view your sandwich as nothing more than a tartar sauce transfer platform, I would steer clear of the “premium” cod fillet sandwich. Seriously. NOT good.
And speaking of eating at Wendy’s all the time… I blew the full ass out of another pair of jeans a few days ago. I moved in a certain way, there was a loud ripping sound, then… a sudden change in temperature on the surface of my butt.
Another one bites the dust. I’m just thankful I’ve never exploded a pair of pants while at work. I’d have to go home in disgrace.
I’m thinking about buying a large tote, and starting to warehouse the many pants my ass has destroyed. Someday I might curate everything, and open a museum.
Recently I thought about someone I knew from a million years ago, and found his page on Facebook. He looked a lot older in the photo, but it was certainly him. So, I fired off a friend request, and moved on to other things.
A few days later I received an acceptance email, and decided to send him a quick note to see what he’d been doing for the past 25 years or so. But before I wrote it, I scrolled through his recent posts. And it turns out he’s been dead since 2009…
What the? I kept reading, and apparently a family member maintains the page as a memorial of sorts. I don’t know what happened to him, but he was younger than me and it was kinda shocking. I didn’t much care for it. Pass the beer nuts.
Have you ever experienced a Facebook shock like that? Shit!
I have to take part in a so-called focus group today at work, and have to leave an hour early. So…. we’re nearing the end of this bitch. Sorry it’s so abbreviated.
For a Question, I’d like to know what you’d name a bar if you bought one. I posted my most recent name to Twitter this morning: The Small Conference Room. Previously I’d considered Smoking Fish Bar & Grill, but now I’m stuck on the Small Conference Room.
What about you? What would you name your fictional bar? Please tell us about it, won’t you? Use the comments link below.
And I’ll be back tomorrow with more of this solid material.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
First
It’d be called “Chuckwheat and Fish’s” My best friend and I had pipe dreams about owning a sports bar a long time ago,
Mark’s Rectum.
Nah…that place stinks!
Hardest I laughed all week (actually year!) !!!
abbreviated or not, made me laugh.
I think you could do well with “Sam Malone’s One Night Stand”…I see franchise opportunities
How about “The Bunker”,
Rings a bell, doesn’t it?
“The Bunker” is great!
Buzzard’s Roost
My cousin & I have had an imaginary bar we’d love to open but will probably never be able to because of finances andwhatnot.
We both love chips & salsa so much that we thought it’d be perfect if we opened a bar that had tons of liquor but when it came to food it only served chips & salsa. Not the bland nasty type, but several different styles of salsa and chips. There’d be a small menu of sorts and for a fee you could get an assortment of chips & salsa. The name? The Salsa Bar, of course. Man, I’d still love to do that. *Sigh….
Melissa that sounds wonderful! You could grow your own tomatoes! *sigh …..
“Beer Here” –keep it simple.
As for the Wendy’s commercial, after the guy bites into the sammich at the end, he has a look on his face like, “Now that’s some good Cod.”
I didn’t like his attitude.
I am always impressed with your ability to shred jeans. It’s a gift, I tell you.
I think I’d call my bar (and grill) The Alibi. Or maybe Onion.
My great-grandfather used to own a bar called “3rd Base – The Last Stop Before Home”. I think while it may be culturally frowned upon from a drinking and driving standpoint, I can’t think of a better name for a bar.
It would be great to re-open it someday
Tipsey McChugney’s Bar and Casserole Shack
…and don’t forget to buy your Tipsey McChugney’s St Paddy’s Day t-shirts, mugs, hats, and other merchandise from spendycrap.com!!!
I always like Stagger Inn. No the.
Not a fan of fish sandwiches, only can tolerate them with a ton of tartar sauce. Especially Big Boy tartar sauce. I always have a jar of that in the house for my burger and the wife likes it with fries.
I’m pretty sure your comment will make Jeff vomit a little in his mouth…….
Always wanted to open a bar near the ocean or Great Lakes and call it the Drink or Swim.
I would totally visit Jeff’s Museam of Busted Ass Pants
Sorry Museum
Jack in the Box has a fair fish sandwich.
I remember a time when you could get two Filet-O-Fish sandwiches at McDonalds for $1 during Lent.
And this isn’t in some 1970’s alternate timeline. This was a few years ago in Baton Rouge.
i would buy 5 or 6 and eat on them for a few days.
I’d name my bar “NO FAT CHICKS”, just for the OMG OUTRAEG factor. I’d probably need to put a fat-free chicken sandwich on the menu to keep from being run out of town.
“The Pay Check Sponge”
“The Fool’s Stools”
“The Family’s Wasteland”
“Daddy’s Dirty Secret”
“The Liver Exploder”
“You Get Better Looking With Every Shot”
The Crow Bar
Monkey Bar
Candies Bar
Bar Bees
Bar Stool
Bar Bitch u ate
There was a biker bar in DC called The Crow Bar. They shut down a few years ago.
.
My boyfriend and I actually thought about buying a bar. Biker bar, of course. No colors. Don’t want any of that bullshit and scared customers. But the name is his nickname from years back:
“Dirt McGirt’s”. Our tag line:” Warm Beer- Big Women – Bad Attitudes”
Have hot girls behind the bar,, BBQ food served on newspaper, live bands, bike runs. Huge outdoor deck (like the Iron Horse in Daytona).
“No Colors” — sounds like Jack’s…
Skully’s
It’s the perfect name for a bar.
Then can mine be called “Don’t Leave Madz”
theres a skullys here in downtown columbus. apparently they do 80s nights and shit
Why do they shit?
My bar would include a back room for gambling and be called:
Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear
“That’s so funny the first time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.”-Dale Doback
http://instantrimshot.com/
Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
I think the sidebar of this site should have a counter–similar to the old site’s extended-life light bulb counter–that counts the “Days Since Jeff Blew The Ass Out of A Pair of Jeans”.
It hasn’t been that long since the last time, has it?
Just how are them light bulbs holding up? Did Charlie West eat the motherfuckin bowl of corn?
Oh, Jeff. Just pack a jaunty cardigan in your briefcase. That way, if you do have a wardrobe malfunction at work, you can tie the cardigan around your waist and act all preppy until you get off of work. Extra cutesy points: the cardigan should be yellow or pink or some other easter egg pastel color. 😉
And happy Pi day to all of the well-rounded Surf Reporters. 3 years from today promises to be a big day–in an obscure (maybe obtuse?) sort of way.
I enjoyed 16.7% of a cherry pie for lunch, then fell down and suffered a stress fracture of my radius. It was an irrational experience, but it was real…almost transcendental.
jtb
As long as it wasn’t imaginary. We electrical types call it j, not i. FYI.
.
I’ve always hoped that, should I finally lose control and fatally clobber somebody just for being stupid, I’ll have the opportunity of choosing imaginary electricity for my punishment. Give me some of that j-juice, baby.
jtb
“The Regret Factory”
“The Depression Depot”
“One for the road”
“What’s That Smell? Inc.”
biker bar
“Deathhogz”
singles bar
“Fornication hut”
anti-semetic whitey bar
“Hitlerz fun spot” or simply “Hitlerz”
“The liver lover”
with it’s signature drink of bourbon, tequila, gin, triple sec and lime juice that is also called the liver lover.
In all seriousness I would call my bar “Green” The decor would be a cross between hippie den and green neon. It would have a smoker friendly back porch and also a separate absenthe bar complete with an antique marble water fountain for making the drink.
I suppose calling it “The Green Fairy” would have attracted a different sort of clientele than you would have intended.
I’m supposed to be studying for the CPA exam, yet here I am, thinking hard about what to name my bar. I love WVSR distractions.
Arbys new fish sandwich is better (I’m guessing), as it’s good and not overly tarter sauced, which I agree is nasty. However I like to eat anything even remotely fishy, which comes in very handy with the ladies. Well, I think it would, if they ever gave me the chance to prove it.
I had an opposite experience on Facebook a few years ago. About 11 years ago a friend had told me a childhood friend had past away. Then two years ago the ‘dead’ friend shows up on facebook (alive). What a pleasant surprise. I did not say anything about the mis-communication.
Jeff, if the pants are a real concern you might consider keeping a spare at work just in case, like some kind of Alli user.
Before reading the comments I had thought my bar might be Bunky’s Bunker. Possibly “The Cove” in tribute to my western Mass. adolescence, or “Gedaddaheah” in tribute to my Brooklyn childhood. Now I’m thinking it should simply be called BEER (just like that, all caps).
.
fukkin bar
gets right to the point
I hate to be that guy, but:
Have you ever considered going up a pants size or 2?
I’m not a bar person, so no comment there.
It’s not a sandwich, but Long John Silver’s thick-cut cod is quite tasty, and tartar sauce is completely optional. 🙂
Your Mom’s House as in
“Honey, I’m goin’ to Your Mom’s House!”
My aspirational bar was going to be “Jack’s Abbey” Then someone actually opened a similarly named bar in town.
The Festered Spot
i’ve been to a stagger inn and a crowbar and an alibi’s (lesbo bar, sometimes I’m a hit at those places). And of course in OKC the Oasis.
I’ve always liked names that are just things or numbers.
13
or Hops
there’s a place in some shitty small town in illinois called the straight home. Hardin, IL?
Ain’t
Jeff, just ask them to hold the tartar sauce. They can handle this (usually). They will even put a piece of “cheese” on it for you, too. Then it is quite tasty. Not the greatest ever, but hey, it’s fast food.
Bar? M.T. McChug’s. Long story.
My bar name…The Beermuda Triangle
Vagina’s – It might be damp and smell a little funny but you feel good when you’re in there.
I’d definitely eat there.
During high school, I worked at a bar called Pitcher’s Roadhouse. (As in a jug of beer, it wasn’t a gay bar.)
We have a Jack Astor’s in town.
We had a Philthy McNasty’s but it closed down.
We have a Nu Den.
We have a Tail Gators.
Fish Trouble is a good name.
Just outside of Wimberly, Texas, there was a cool biker bar called “Riley’s. ”
Someone bought the place and renamed it “Was Riley’s”.
Folks, you’ve never eaten a fish sandwich until you’ve been to Coleman’s Fish Market in Wheeling, WV. The place has a national reputation and the sandwiches are, well, eating is believing.
How many have had one and can vouch? Raise your hands!
Today’s quote: “Social awkwardness is often the curse of genius.” U.S. Deputy Marshal Raylan Givens
How true, how true.
Oh yeah, bar name, right, right.
The Bitoa Grill.
Booze Is The Only Answer. BITOA, get it?
Never mind.
DILLIGAF (Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck) is already taken for a company that makes Tshirts and whathaveyou for bikers.
Cool bar in Edmonton named Lucifer’s.
Place in Las Vegas, New Mexico named Dick’s Liquors
In keeping with the Pi day thing…”Infinity” for a bar name.
I keep going back to …”Braggarts”… for some reason as a made up name.
Surprised no one mentioned the old CLASSIC:
DEW DROP INN or DO DROP INN.
Used to be a bunch of them in this part of Virginia.
Hooters has a decent fish sandwich.
If we’re going in that direction, I still like the Horse You Rode Inn.
.
Last Ditch Attempt Saloon
my bar name? “Second Shift”
Damn. I used to think Chevy Chase was funny.
Gits n’ Shiggles