TheWVSR.com
JeffKay.com

Previous Notes

2008

May
April

March

February

January

2007

December
November

October

September
August
July

June

May

April

March

February

January

2006

December
November
October
 
September

August
July

June

May

April

March

February

January

2005

December
November

October

September

August

July

June

May

April

March

February

January


You don't understand. I'm a mysterious loner, not lonely.

2004

December
November
October

September

August
July

June

May

April

March

February

January


A bowl of corn, motherfuckers!

2003

December
November
October

September

August

July
June
May

April

March

February
January


Is that man-ass I smell?

2002

December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


I'm loaded with tumors darling, and I don't even know it.

2001

December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2000

December
November
October

The View From Down Here
                    
        June 2008


 

June 30, 2008

Bill is a smug little wiener-eater

-- Sunshine & Mumbles arrived at our house Wednesday evening, after I'd already gone to work. It took them almost eight days(!) to drive from Reno to Scranton. Toney's mother called as they were exiting the interstate, about two miles from our house, and Toney said, "OK, we'll expect you in about an hour."

Turns out they were obsessed with gas mileage, and set their cruise control to exactly 58 mph at all times. Wonder how many dual rotating middle fingers they received as they crossed the continent at the approximate speed of a mall walker? Hundreds? Maybe thousands? They'd never know, of course: Sunny's passed-out most of the time, and Mumbles is oblivious.

Toney cooked dinner, and Sunshine reportedly videotaped the Secrets playing Guitar Hero for hours on end. I bet that will be engrossing footage...

Continue reading here  


June 25, 2008

A Stern Warning to All Dogs

-- On Saturday we looked at a model home, in a new subdivision near us. The houses will be in the half-million dollar range so, obviously, we were just snooping around for sport.

And I wasn't really blown away. The thing felt kinda cramped; I think our current house has more square footage. Sure, the kitchen was pretty kick-ass, with all the stainless steel and granite, and the master bedroom was so large you could play a game of Wiffle Ball in there. But the living areas were surprisingly pinched, especially at the price they were asking.

Plus, it was way out some country road, a couple of miles off another country road, which would be a bunker-buster of a bitch on snowy days. And out the back window was what looked like a strip mine, just raw earth for acres. I asked one of the "representatives" about it, a man with eyes on the sides of his head like a fish, and he said it MIGHT someday be a lake.

Continue reading here  


June 24, 2008

Another potential problem avoided

-- When I was a kid, maybe fourth grade or so, I went through somebody's yard one summer morning, and took a short-cut between two houses. 

Back in those days, correctly or incorrectly, we believed we were allowed to do such things unless we were told differently (yelled at). We pretty much used the entire neighborhood as our own personal kingdom…

And on this morning I walked between a pair of neat cinderblock houses, and there was a woman standing way up high in one of the windows, washing dishes and wearing a bra. That is to say, she was wearing a bra -- and no shirt.

Gulp.

It was one of those big 1970s steel safety-cage models, with side-impact system, and straps as wide as seatbelts. The woman was probably in her thirties, but seemed like an old lady to me. I looked at her, my eyes bugged-out, her eyes bugged-out, I ran in one direction, and she ran in the other direction...

Continue reading here  


June 23, 2008

Five random, unrelated images

-- My brain chemicals are mixing in a most unsatisfactory manner. I woke up in a foul mood yesterday, and today’s no better. Something’s gotta change. I can’t put my finger on what, but something.

Last night at work half of the people didn’t show up; they were all “sick,” I guess. And it’s funny, ever since winter ended and the weather became nice, there’s been a sudden up-tick in Sunday Night Sickness. Week after week a large portion of the crew is stricken. The CDC should really look into it…

One guy in my department left a message on the call-off line, and said, “It’s been a long day.” That’s the reason he gave us.

And, of course, the folks who actually honor their obligations get to smile and eat the big shit samlich, while all the “sick” people sit around in plastic chairs, drink ice-water beer, talk about waterbeds and weightlifting, and holler at their l’il buzzcut hicklets.

Continue reading here  


June 19, 2008

George and his staff know how to please

-- At my job they’re offering us the opportunity to wear shorts to work, on days we donate a dollar to a charity of some kind (always with the charities…). This will run through August and, from what I can tell, it’s a popular program.

Of course, I’m not interested. But there’s another way they could get a dollar out of me… I’d gladly donate that amount each and every day, for the rest of the summer, to STOP some of my co-workers from wearing shorts to work.

I mean, seriously. Some folks just need to keep themselves covered in heavy fabric, for the greater good. I’m now seeing people walking down the halls with fantastic columns of white riffle-flesh all out in the open air, their crotches transformed into hungry pants-gobbling beasts.

And I can’t have that. When I go in on Sunday I think I’m going to write out my idea, and put it in the suggestion box. They could raise thousands, possibly millions!

Continue reading here  


June 18, 2008

By John Lennon and Jeff Kay

-- Over the weekend our phone rang and Toney answered it, even though the caller ID said: UNKNOWN. I guess a credit card company keeps calling and asking for me, undoubtedly so they can try to up-sell us something of no value.

She was tired of them calling, and wanted me to deal with it already. So I heard her say, "Yes, he's right here," and handed me the phone(!). "Just talk to them," she mouthed silently, and I couldn't believe the betrayal. The deep, deep betrayal. 

I put the receiver to my ear, and said, "Hullo?" And it sounded like shortwave radio. The line was crackling and whistling, and I could hear a whole lot of faint voices talking at the same time, way off in the murk. 

What in the finger-snappin' hell?

Continue reading here  


June 17, 2008

Imagine a response, it's easy if you try

-- I tried another of the novelty Mountain Dews last night, and felt like I was about to go into full cardiac arrest. It's that ginseng shit; my system doesn't care for it. The first time it felt like I was covered in ants, and last night I was having honest-to-Elvis chest pains.

But I've got to try all three of the new limited edition flavors… It's my duty as a dedicated Dew follower; I have no real say in the matter.

The heart-stopping version is called Revolution, and it's blue like a soda bottle full of Windex. It's supposedly "infused with Wild Berry Fruit Flavor and Ginseng." And once again, it was OK, but not great – with curious capitalization choices.

About twenty minutes after I finished it I started having actual chest pains, and they lasted for maybe half an hour. I was about to start ripping through peoples' desk drawers, to try to get my hands on some Bayer aspirin, or a glycerin tablet.

Continue reading here    


June 16, 2008

She'll do absolutely anything, Ann

-- The weekend was unsatisfactory. I had plans for each day, and most of them went straight down the ol' crap-catcher.

Friday was set aside for the final sprint of an extracurricular writing project, and I got very little done. It was the last day of school here in the Upper Perogie Belt, and the Secrets got home around 12:30 in the afternoon.

The older boy had a friend with him, some kid I'd never seen before, who reminded me of a guy I hated all through my childhood. Therefore, I didn't like this kid either… I didn't trust him because he was an asshole in 1974 West Virginia
, even though he's only twelve and lives in Pennsylvania . If you know what I mean,

And the phone was ringing so much I was afraid it wouldn't be able to handle the load and might burst into flames.

Continue reading here  


June 12, 2008

Also try our Rocket 'n' 2 Big Round Things sours

-- When I was leaving for work on Tuesday there was a man from Comcast standing on our driveway, holding the end of a rope. I couldn’t see him, but a second man was apparently way up in our neighbors’ tree, holding the other end.

It wasn’t really any of my business, but I said, “So what’re you guys doing?” I thought they might be trimming the branches back from the cable.

But it turns out they were repairing “squirrel damage.” The guy told me squirrels like to strip aluminum off the outside of wires, and it’s almost a full-time job cleaning up after “the little bastards.”

Weird, I thought. Aluminum?
On the outside of wires? Did the squirrels like to eat it, or are they just bushy-tailed delinquents? All these questions flashed instantly through my mind, but I decided to take it in a different direction.

Continue reading here  


June 11, 2008

Colorful, vintage and special!

-- We've been having issues with Toney's new computer. One of you predicted it, probably Citizen X, but that Vista operating system isn't a team player. I couldn't get it to connect to the wireless network, and the printer was nothing but a prop.

Toney monkeyed around with it for far too long, as did I, and we finally couldn't take it anymore. I called an IT guy at my old job, and he suggested a few things. I tried each, and it was as if I'd done nothing. So he said he'd come take a look.

And yesterday evening I had the surreal experience of being at work and talking to an ex-coworker –
calling from inside my house. How weird is that?

He got it all straightened out, but it took almost three hours. The wireless connection was fixed relatively quickly, but the printer gave him all manner of trouble. And if it was a problem for HIM, I would've never been able to fix it.

Continue reading here  


June 10, 2008

Use our multi-channel CB Simulator!

-- The youngest Secret participated in a spelling bee at the library on Saturday.

Toney signed him up for it, and when she told me about it I had my doubts. I mean, how many kids would take part in such an event, at the tail-end of the school year, on a Saturday? I thought he might be declared the winner by default, because he was the only person who showed up.

But I was so very wrong. The place was PACKED. They held it in an activity room, and there was an overflow crowd. All the seats were taken, others were standing shoulder to shoulder against three walls, and still more were out in the hallway listening through an open door.

At a spelling bee?! It was bizarre.

Continue reading here  


June 9, 2008

An old familiar story, told in four parts

-- We never made it to the Bronx Zoo. When the oldest Secret came home from school on Wednesday, he said he was tired and proceeded to fall almost instantly to sleep on the couch. He's usually swinging for the fences, so I knew something was askew.

I went to work, and Toney told me he was running a mild temperature and acting kind of lethargic all evening. Not good.

And when I got home at 3:15 am , he came downstairs with a face the color of Mountain Dew Code Red. Holy crap! Toney had given him Motrin, but it was clearly time for another dose. The thermometer said 103 degrees, and he looked like something off Yellow Submarine.

He stayed home on Thursday, and didn't get any better. So we told the school he wouldn't be able to go to the zoo on Friday, and since he wasn't going I sure as shit wasn't either. Yeah, and it cost us fifty-four non-refundable dollars…

Continue reading here  




June 5, 2008

A Most Unfortunate Turn of Events

-- Most mornings, when I hoist myself off the platform, my right ear is completely sealed-off. In the past when this would happen, I'd mess around with it and try to restore normalcy. But, I've learned, that only prolongs the problem. 

So over the past few months I've just ignored my dead ear, and within thirty minutes it comes back to life. And man, when it pops it's a glorious moment. You instantly go from being slightly disoriented and off, to feeling pretty damn great.

Yesterday morning, however, it lasted for several hours and I was starting to get concerned. Where's the pop? I need the pop! Then I was out in the front yard yelling at Andy (he always wants to serve up a pipin' hot yard cruller on our neighbors' lawn), and there was a powerful explosion in my head. And all was right with the world.

I'm freakin' falling apart… Every day it's a new adventure.

Continue reading here  


June 3, 2008

New Phrases at the Top, Day Two

-- Every few years something weird happens to me, where I see flashing lights in my peripheral vision for a while, then it stops and I feel really tired. I can remember it happening when I had a paper route, so it’s been going on for decades. Very infrequently, however…

But it happened today, and it’s a little scary. I laid down on the couch, and wondered if that’s where they’d find the carcass. Because that’s the way my mind works, even when it’s flickering and flashing and whatnot.

I went to see a doctor about it years ago, and he didn’t have anything to tell me. He had a few guesses (something to do with blood pressure, I think), but didn’t believe it was serious enough to send me for tests.

And since it only occurs every three or four years, I don’t give it much thought, either. Until, you know, it happens again. Then I start thinking about Bob Marley, and his Bob Marley-sized brain tumor, and that sort of thing.

Continue reading here  


June 2, 2008

New phrases at the top o' the list!

-- While we were having dinner on Friday, Toney reminded me about the neighborhood block party scheduled for Saturday night, and how we were all RSVP'd-up. We'd been assigned to bring pasta salad, potato chips, and napkins, so we were locked-in.

Instinctively, I groaned. I'm not really a party kind of guy. I don't much enjoy, and am not especially skilled at, making small-talk with strangers. It's necessary to pour extra kerosene into the Demumblifier(tm), when I'm hanging around such functions.

But, we'd gone the past two years, and had a blast exactly fifty percent of the time. The first go-round turned out to be surprisingly fun. The Secrets played "Manhunt" within a gang of roving Lord of the Flies children all evening, while Toney and I drank beer with the other adults, beside a bonfire.

Continue reading here  



Google
WWW TheWVSR.com