When I lived in California there was a Taco Bell a couple of blocks from my job, and a co-worker who frequently asked me to join him for lunch there. It was across the street from Warner Bros. Studios, and the walls of the restaurant were lined with autographed photos of “celebrities.” You know, top-tier talent like Gunther from Friends.
I was staunchly pro-Taco Bell, and still am, but didn’t much enjoy those California lunches for some reason. At first I blamed it on the conversation, but eventually decided there were other problems.
For one thing, there’s a myth that Taco Bell is inexpensive. People believe that as an absolute fact, and are wrong. It seems like it used to be cheap, during the 1980s, but not anymore. Every time I went there it felt like I’d either a) spent about 25% too much, or b) kept my eye on the bottom-line, and walked away hungry.
Also, I learned I don’t really like Taco Bell in the light of day. It’s fantastic after the sun goes down, and gets even better if there’s a beer component to the evening. But during the middle of the workday, stone-cold sober? Not so much. Even Del Taco was preferable, and that’s saying something.
I was thinking about all this today, after Nell Carter told me my total was $5.19 for nothing but the new Smothered Burrito with chicken. No drink, no add-ons, no-nothing. $5.19! Once again, it felt like it was 25% too high. And I wasn’t even looking forward to it. I would’ve much rather gone to Wendy’s, down the street. Wendy’s holds up – even thrives – during the daylight hours.
Dudley Laywicker handed me a sack with a plastic container inside, and my inner-sensors told me it was a bit light. $5.19 should’ve triggered more of a gravitational pull. I was already developing a bad attitude toward this so-called burrito.
When I got it home about five minutes later, and removed the dome lid, I shouted to my dog, “Good god, Andy! It looks like afterbirth!” He lifted his snout in the air, took a reading, and left the room. I didn’t blame him. There was a strange smell wafting off that mess.
Reportedly, there’s chicken, rice, and chipotle sauce inside the burrito. And it’s “smothered” in cheese, sour cream, and Taco Bell’s red sauce. That’s probably accurate, but it’s difficult to say. Take a look:
With a fork I cut off a bite-size chunk, and threw caution to the wind. And the shit was good. It was a full-blown Moroccan street-fair of flavors, with just a hint of spicy heat. I liked it, and ripped through the rest of that thing with enthusiasm. And despite my initial feelings on the matter, it wasn’t overly small. It pretty much filled the void in my gut, and was shockingly satisfying.
But will I buy it again? Absolutely not. I enjoyed the Smothered Burrito, but it tasted close to many other things Taco Bell offers up, at a higher price. I mean, they basically use the same five or six ingredients in everything, right? There’s more bang for the buck on their menu, without a doubt.
So, to summarize…
I enjoyed this item, even after I pre-judged it. The combination of flavors won me over. And it’s more food than I realized. In fact, I think it might be expanding in my stomach as I type this. It earns bonus points for producing great-tasting burps, too. Bravo! I’m experiencing the belches of kings.
However, it was way too expensive and looked like a placenta in a bucket. A weird funk rushed out when I lifted the dome, which was disconcerting. It was also salty as a mofo. Did I mention that? I don’t think I did. It feels like I ingested a week’s worth of sodium in one sitting. It might just be my imagination, but I think my legs are filling with fluid.
Have you tried the Smothered Burrito yet? If so, please share your thoughts in the comments section below. Also, what do you think is the best item on Taco Bell’s menu? THE best? And what’s the best bang for the buck there? Any opinions? Please tell us about it.
And I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
More Surf Report fast food shenanigans!
I had to google Dudley Laywicker.
The honor student with the puffer.
We’re number two!
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I have not tried the Smothered. When I go to TB, I generally get the taco salad. I have no aversion to grease, but there is far better grease to be had. For a quick burrito or the like on the way home from DC, I’ll stop at District Taco. It’s maybe a dollar more than TB, and at least twice as good.
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Your recommendations are always solid, so I will go ahead and continue working on my figure at Wendy’s.
Last time I ate at Taco Bell it was unremarkable and more money than it should have been (I was saying, “Yeah! Yaknow, you’re right!” when it got to the perception that it’s inexpensive). It was also an election or two ago, I don’t mark these things on my calendar.
Biff, I got to get you and Tiff to try Mami Noras… Just sniff for the burned out hull that use to be Bali Hai… It’s right across the street.
1 do enjoy your fast food commentary, you are a very entertaining writer. However there’s one thing about your comments that consistently annoys the shit out of meh.
Why in teh fuck are you so focused on what it looks like?
1 don’t have time now to fully explain my position but America is already too much about image rather than substance and you seem to be adding to this, whether unknowingly or not. The smothered burrito looks fine, in fact in looks delicious despite not appearing as it does in the commercial.
They never look exactly the same, that’s a given that doesn’t need to be explained in every article. But one reason why yours look SO much different than the commercial is because you get your orders to go, and bring them home before opening. With teh famous bowl for instance, when you leave the airtight cover on this leads to the cheese melting and oozing down on the sides of the chicken which makes it look more like slop. I argue that the flavor is not only NOT negatively effected by this natural phenomenon, it is enhanced. So why complain? Your dog didn’t (1 hope you gave Andy some because if you didn’t that qualifies as animal cruelty in my book and I will target you for terrorism on behalf of peta).
Do you know that that most non-organic produce and fruits are now grown via genetic engineering, so that they ship better i.e. LOOK better when they arrive at the supermarket, these genetically modified strawberries and peaches for instance have absolutely no flavor at all. But 1 guess their visual pleasing appearance would get the thumbs up from you, Jeff.
Please refrain from dwelling on appearance rather than substance or 1 will be forced to step up my ridicule accordingly.
Lighten up, Francis.
Mr. Kike…
I think there are a few little things you misapprehend…
1) You should really check into PETA and see what they do. I think you might be confusing them with the ASPCA, or perhaps the NRA. When you shoot an empty gun, not much comes out.
2) There is a difference in English between the numeral 1 and the capital letter I. Please look this up so you can use the symbols properly next time.
3) The difference in appearance you refer to is really funny. You might want to look up the history and use of “satire” before doing much more commenting here. I’m really trying to help.
4) This might seem a small thing, but it sure bothers me. When you come to a full stop in the middle of a sentence, you can’t just throw in a comma and hope for the best; you need a semicolon or a period. I agree that Jeff is a fine writer, and you’ll notice that his punctuation is impeccable. Emulate him.
5) I don’t think you understand the distinction between “image” and “appearance”. Please look these words up so you can use them correctly next rant.
Live and be well.
jtb
OH , uh oh , call the grammer p0-lice .
nope , nope better yet call a fucking WAAAAAMBULANCE for you list writing crybabies .
like the english (or if you’re asian engrish) language makes any goddamn sense to begin with . lmfao .
the grassy (k)noll . the hidden (k)nowledge of how jews control the media , federal reserve , our foreign policy in the jewnited fakes (endless wars) etc etc …
How about why is there an “n” in Goddam to begin with (or end with as it may be) either way 1’m right and yurr wrong now be on your merry way .
Go urinate in an elevator.
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The best thing they ever had was the hamburger bun with taco meat on it. I can’t remember what it was called. It’s no longer available.
I think that is called… how do you say in this country… the Sloppy Joe?
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I believe it was called the Bell Beefer.
I miss the Bell Beefer too! It was one of the best things on the menu and only about .49 cents back in the day.
I’ve been to that Taco Bell. Nell Carter…well said.
I’d rather eat a dead chihuahua
Agree about the prices. Back in the day (early to mid-90s) I was on a strict lunch budget and could go get a bean burrito, chicken taco and chili cheese burrito for under $2. It was my go-to lunch. Now – as you said – it all pretty much tastes the same and costs way too much.
I so wish they would bring back the chili cheese burrito or chilito as it was called back in the day.
I loved the chili cheese burrito, and mourn its disappearance off of the menu. The beef meximelt runs a distant second. If your TBell has those, you should try it. I also miss their tostados.
I may have to conduct some field research and get back to ya’ll…
I’m glad someone else uses the weight of the bag to discern value.
That reminds me of my Grandpa, he’d always claim how much stronger he got as the years went until he’d get you to bite, then he’d tell you when he was a boy it would take four trips to carry in $20 worth of groceries and now he could lift $20 worth of groceries with one hand. RIP Grandpa!
I would have to grade your report as “incomplete”. What about digestive after affects? Is in on par with the burrito supreme? Worse? Better? Come on man, this is science.
Oh, how I miss Taco Bell.
I have to subsist on house made pasta smothered in local truffles and cream for €4. It’s a cruel, cruel fate living in the land of food…
Seriously, I would sell my left arm for a fucking burrito. And for Thai food? You don’t wanna know.
Crunchy taco supreme is my go to at the Bell.
As for the sodium in that smothered burritto, it is 2230 mg.
For a man, if you are healthy with good blood pressure levels, your daily maximum is 2,300 mIilligrams of sodium each day. If you are over 50 and/or have high blood pressure you should limit your intake to 1500 mg.
I wonder if the pilot that had the heart attack during the flight last night was eating fast food prior to takeoff.
I like the cantita bowl, or wahtevahthefuck it’s called, it’s like someone emptied all the leftovers from the fridge into a bowl. But my favorite is the chicken quesadilla, without the sauce. It’s very basic and I’m not really sure why I like it so much but I’m addicted to them. It’s very dangerous to my health having a TB so close to work.
I can no longer eat Taco Bell… it hates me…
Well, a candy bar was something like .40 cents in those days. Now, you’re lucky to find one under a buck (and I ain’t talking king size, either). I miss being able to go to Taco Bell a buy 3 or 4 tacos and gigantic drink for under 3 bucks.
I have had the smothered burrito and it is very good. It is overpriced, through. Very much so.
Then again, a Big Mac combo is 6 bucks so I guess it’s the new norm.
I don’t have a Taco Bell close to me anymore. I used to work in Stamford, CT and there was one right down the street. But that was in 1997 when five bucks would buy you probably 2 full plastic sacks – the kind with handles that could cut off circulation.
There was some enormous folded type of quesadilla that came out a few years ago which made me wistfully yearn for 1997 all over again.
Now all I have is 2 fancy shmancy Mexican bar/restaurants. I miss the quick grab and go taco. I don’t need a margarita every time I get fajitas. Oh who am I kidding? Sure I do!
Taco Bell isn’t as cheap as it used to be, but you can slightly make up for it by thieving mass amounts of their sauce packets when you order inside, “to go.” I think we have about 75 of the goddamned things at home right now. I’m a simple man, so I just stick to their soft tacos on the odd occasion that I go there.
I will probably eat one tonight.
Sigh.
I’ve graduated from Taco Bell to Chipotle. Yes, it’s kind of pricey in comparison but at least they make an effort to provide ingredients that might not kill you, and you get to decide exactly what you’re going to be eating.
mmmm… and they have a variety of Tobasco products. Two thumbs up.
I haven’t been to TB in years. I’d much rather bury my pie hole into a Wendy’s cheese burger with pickle juice running down my chin. (Shut up you sicko’s!) I know how yinz people think! We have a Mexican restaurant here called El Campesino. Killer food at great prices. It’s one of those places that you have to hit the couch after the feast. In fact, I think we’re going tonight!
I love El Camp as well! Fajita burrito all the way.
Some of the street carts in my town offer up the best and cheapest Mexican fare, and Chipotle seems to use the best quality ingredients. People actually schedule long layovers at our airport take a cab into town and eat at the Red Iguana (good moles). The item I stick with when I go to a TB is the bean burrito. Seems like the most appropriately priced item on their menu anymore.
I should also mention that I am a big fan of your fast food reviews. Especially the advertising photo vs what comes out of the take-home sack.
That photo was awesome.
And the fucker really does resemble a placenta.
like a hefty bag washed up on shore.
It looks like a puddle of prolapse.
Well, you gotta pay the workers enough to get that affordable health care.
a red herring
I haven’t had TB in a while, they moved the one I ate lunch at years ago to a “better” location. The visibility might be better but the “in” and “out” are a real cluster fuck. It was also about the same time a family opened up a “real” Mexican restaurant in town.
And “yes” I’m having a quotation mark kinda day.
We “forgive” you.
LM”A”O
Crunchwrap supreme or beef chalupa.
I can’t single out Taco Bell any more for causing stomach problems. Pretty much everything does these days.
It’s been over a decade since I’ve had anything from the Bell, except for the odd sack-o-hard-tacos during a football game, but back in the day I loved the taco pizza. It was probably overpriced, but it really was a thing of beauty. It was one menu item where the aesthetics were pretty hard to screw up, and came in its own unique flat cardboard box. Excellent with hot sauce drizzled over the top.
Grilled.
Stuffed.
Burrito.
With Steak.
Ohhh, yeah. I could eat one of those every day. When I’m feeling self-righteous, I get it “fresco” and probably knock it from 1000 calories to 950 but, God, are they good. I like ’em better than the same offering from our “real” Mex restaurants in town.
I usually get a Nachos Grande meal with a hard taco, and a Burrito Supreme because I’m still hungry. I don’t want to know about the caloric content or the amount of sodium I’m ingesting.
I’m finding that putting the calorie count of products on the menu inhibits my choices and makes me feel guilty.
I had one on friday. Not as gross looking in person, and delicious. Mmmmmmmm. They also had a black bean burrito that was really good.
Definitely a chalupa. It has to be the beef Baja version. If I’m really hungry or am eating on the go, the grilled stuffed burrito is best. The tortilla is grilled a little after the crap is loaded inside, kinda panini style. It cuts waaay down on the messy drip factor for eating in the car 😉 we know u r not a fan of the drip factor, Jeff!