I know a guy with a friend who works at McDonald’s, and the friend reportedly keeps the guy stocked with a supply of black market Big Mac sauce. It’s delivered, I’m told, in oblong plastic bags with a nipple on one end.
When he told me this, I busted out laughing. What would a person do with such contraband? I imagined him tooling down the interstate, cranking the Steve Miller Band (he fits the profile), with one of those curious things jiggling on the console of his car. And occasionally, maybe every couple of miles or so, he’d hoist it to his mouth and take another blast off his “teat o’ sauce.”
And I find that scenario to be amusing.
Unfortunately, however, I now also know how such a blast would taste. Because I made the mistake of trying the new McDonald’s Big Mac Snack Wrap…
I saw a commercial for the odd, just-released fast food novelty a few weeks ago, and it was clear I needed to give it a try. The whole thing seemed ludicrous, so a personal investigation was in order.
The word “wrap” is synonymous (rightly or wrongly) with “healthy” and “light.” And the Big Mac is more aligned with words such as “enormous, riffled ass” and “defibrillator.” The Big Mac Snack Wrap seemed to be a contradiction in terms, like tasteful tube-top or enjoyable opera. So, I had to check it out, ASAP.
Yeah, and it wasn’t very good.
One cost $1.49, but they were running a special (get this!): two for $2.98. A great deal, huh? I went with the bulk pricing, and took home the alarmingly light carry-out bag. And here’s how the first one looked:
Is that pitiful, or what? Big Mac has a reputation for being a large burger (it could be a bit larger), but the Big Mac Wrap seemed to be emaciated and fully collapsed.
And here’s why:
Opened up, it looked like a poodle turd on a slimy tortilla.
I don’t know… Supposedly the wrap has the same ingredients as the real Big Mac (beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, etc.), but all I could taste was the sauce.
I do see a few pickles, and a couple pieces of lettuce, but I don’t remember tasting them. I think onions and cheese is a complete myth. Basically, it was all sauce: a flour tortilla coated with the stuff and rolled-up.
Blecch. It’s probably what World War II rationing food tasted like.
No way was I going to choke down the second one, so I pawned it off on my wife, without comment. And after two bites she made a face, and said, “What is this, a Thousand Island dressing burrito?”
The concept is ridiculous, and the execution is poor. It tastes terrible (like a hit off the console sauce-sack), and it’s tiny (this is America, dammit!). No way it’s worth a dollar fifty. In fact, I don’t think it’s worth free.
I’m not accustomed to judging fast food so harshly, because it’s generally our friend, but this thing was a complete disaster. I’m going to give it a D-, and believe that’s generous. The high concentration of sauce nearly caused the roof of my mouth to split open!
Have you tried the Big Mac Snack Wrap? Give us your thoughts in the comments.
And since it was full-on terrible, please also tell us about the worst thing you’ve ever ordered in a fast food restaurant. I’m not talking about flies in your food, or things like that. I mean something that was prepared the correct way, with no contamination – just awful.
Thanks for reading! I’ll see ya next time.
I sent my husband on an Arby’s Emergency Run when I was pregnant with the Nooze. [Curly Fries cravings could NOT be denied.]
They were possibly the most DISGUSTING things I have ever tried to eat in my life. They tasted like they had been pulled out of the trash – and warmed in the sweaty armpits of the drive through worker.
I haven’t eaten ANY Arby’s food since then. The Nooze will be ten this year.
Whoops. I’m told that the Sweaty Pit Fries came from Hardee’s. I’ve apparently been boycotting the wrong restaurant all of these years!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labia_minora
That looks like the meat in Jeff’s Mac Snack Wrap, with less hair.
Ah, the McRib. I’d forgotten all about that. Can’t even remember if it was good or not.
I actually like McDonald’s breakfast stuff. If I have to go to a job site straight from home in the morning, I’ll hit up that drive-thru for a sausage+egg McMuffin and two hash browns. Wash it down with a travel mug of coffee from home. That’s some good eating, and it lasts me all day. Their fries are good if you get them fresh; the burgers are only OK.
But sometimes all I want is a glass of McWater.
Fat Secretary – remember this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTSdUOC8Kac
The McRib had pickles on it…who the fuck puts pickles on ribs? Well…I mean a chopped and shaped pork-like product.
@hotfuzz – I call that Ronniezuma’s Revenge!
http://listverse.com/2009/05/30/top-10-failed-mcdonalds-products/
It takes McGuts to suggest a product like the McHULA or McPASTA…
When I saw an advertisement for that wrap thing, I thought… that’s just wrong. McDonald’s and wraps just do not go in the same sentence. Now I see I was right… it’s wrong! 😉
The only thing I will eat from McDonald’s are the french fries — can’t resist them! I may never shake the thought of the “poodle turd!”
Thanks for the review! I will keep my $1.49 and put it towards a batch of fries :o)
@ Casey J – Beef a Roo…Beef a Roo..it’s the only place for yooou!!! Hello from a fellow Rockfordian!
I tried the snack wrap. ICK. I’d rather eat one than those god-awful Angus burgers. That thing was nasty.
Huh. I tried it recently and it wasn’t that bad. I liked the smaller size and the fact that it still tasted a bit like a Big Mac. 🙂 I guess we’ll be agreeing to disagree here. A regular Big Mac is better by far though.
Worst fast food ever? Hmmmmm. I think that would be a White Castle burger. I know they’re favored by many, but ewww. Small square slimy bit of meat on a biscuit. Not something I’d repeat.
I love, LOVE, burger king breakfast shit. Love it. Just found out that there’s lots of BKs that no longer serve breakfast. Fucking scam. Is anyone with me? Member that giant breakfast sandwich they had? Am I the only person on earff who’s upset?
Best fast food = mexican food from a street vendor cart. A $3 burrito that fills you up for a major portion of the day; how the hell are you gonna beat that? And the local health dept actually pays MORE attention to these folks than the regular restaurants, so they actually need to be even MORE clean that the ordinary restaurants. Mickey D’s is a super-scam, and they are actually trying to kiil you. Don’t doubt it for a second. Ronald McDonald is trying to kill you. With a high powered rifle if necessary.
@Hardoxdan Thanks for that…. :'(
i love your blog~! I read the Alli article before this one and they are so great, i’m adding it to my XML feed…
I go to McDonald’s if I’m out in the morning for a sausage egg McMuffin or sometimes fries but generally don’t get anything else except coffee or juice.
I think I did have a Big Mac Wrap quite awhile and it was a watered down version of the real thing which I guess is the intent. I liked that it had the filling without so much bun but these days I’m not much on fast food – to salty – so I never got it again (and after that picture, I never will!). A few decades ago I was hooked on Big Mac’s and had one every chance I got, with fries and a chocolate shake. Times change!
Worst fast food I ever have had was a salad from McDonald’s, I don’t get them there at all anymore – wilted etc.
I like to go to Wendy’s and get their Mandarin Chicken Salad (or something like that, I forget what it’s called) or their Taco Salad or their baked potato with sour cream/chives.
I like Tim Hortons chili too.
People crack me up.
The definition of douchebag is someone who tells you they don’t eat fast food and never watch TV in the same conversation.
Hi Jeff,
hmmm… interesting. Although I visit McD from time to time (no, we don’t have this wrap here in Germany), I learned from tearful experiences that I always have to stick to my standards (Big Mac, Royal with cheese which is your quarter pounder, McRib). I gave up trying different things and oh yes, I do think that they are not the cheapest ones around as well.
The only part of the Mac menu that I like is breakfast. If they served their breakfast items all day I’d visit them more often.
Hmm, in theory the concept is OK, since the bun is the part of burger I like the least. But on the other hand, even with burgers I’ve learned to like the ones with less or even no sauce, mayo or anything like that. Healthy = good, but based on what you wrote, this isn’t it… but let’s see if these ever get around to Finland and I can go check them out myself 🙂
Eeew! As a reformed fast food addict, I am happy to see that the new wrap looks unappetizing to me. Yuck! It’s amazing how our tastes change and how difficult it is to break bad eating habits. Especially the ones that occur as “normal”. Everyone drinks diet coke and quarter-pounders, right? McDonald’s for me is like an old boyfriend – been there, done that. I do like Wendy’s though – they have variety and juicy hamburgers. lol!
I was intrigued at first, but fortunately it ended there. Actually, it was the same feeling I had about the Ipad. I wanted one when I first heard about it, but once I calmly thought it through, I knew that my mind was decieving me.
I actually went to McDonald’s for the first time in about six month yesterday, but I stuck with the old reliable – Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
and Jeff, were you feeling nauseous within half an hour?
I’m currently trying a gluten-free diet in another example of “Throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” doctoring. So, I won’t be trying the Mac Snack Crap any time soon….unless I have them plate the innards “in a boat”, as I once heard a fellow customer demand of his burger order. I don’t eat much fast food anyway (though I do watch TV, JDL).
On a side note, I just spent 5 minutes getting Rick Rolled on Centrum’s customer service line, only to be told that they “can neither confirm nor deny” the presence of gluten in their vitamins. What is this, the X-Files?! (or for you youngins: What is this, a Fringe event?!).
OH Yuk Yuk Yuk.. I only go to McDonald’s once in a while for my daughter – she loves the toys, and then I give in the temptation of a small shake – but its soooo bad for me!.. Definitely not trying this stuff…. The worst thing? probably Taco Bell years ago… I really don’t do fast food.. Why eat fast food, makes me fat, tasts terrible, and has no nutritional value. OK. Off my high horse and going for a shake.
I haven’t tried this yet and honestly wasn’t planning on it. Even in the commercials it looks icky.
I’m sorry to say I do enjoy the big mac, even though it too is executed poorly – small pieces of meat not big enough to cover the bread with sauce poured unevenly over it. But the flavor is great.
Your post confirmed my decision to stay away. Thanks! And hey, I like the Steve Miller Band!
Have you tried the Big Mac Snack Wrap?
I admire your courage my friend.
As a healthy eating expert, I’d rather starve! That said, I agree if you are going to go for a burger … you want a burger … NOT a wrap.
This is a bad idea indeed.
Krizia
The one thing you never hear anyone say, ever, is “You know, I could really go for a Filet-O-Fish right now”.
I actually like the McRib as a guilty pleasure (minus the pickles, OMG blechh) but other that I just get McDoubles. Cheap enough to buy extra and throw away the extras, and bland enough on their own to add spices at home. Garlic, lemon-pepper, hot sauce, whatever you prefer.
I don’t eat processed food that much and I am shock to hear about the sauce. Thanks for telling me that.
That is funny. C’mon guys you are picking on my favorite high class restaurant. I don’t get down off the mountain much but when i do can’t wait to hit Mickydees.
Last night I was in one that had an honest to goodness real life baby grand piano in the dining area, that was automated like an old time player piano and it actually played dinner music while I crunched on my fries.
Life is good!
Tell the truth everyone, you all reall love it too. LOL
I’ve had one – even two now! – and loved it! I adore the Big Mac and although this is small and not exactly the same experience, it’s less calories and helps fill that need for the taste of a BM. Not a bad deal and I wish they’d done it a long time ago.
For those Rockfordians mentioning Beef-A-Roo… god bless you! I’m originally from Rockford, IL and miss that place. Nothing compares!
The term “Where’s the Beef?” popped into my head. For the price the thing was tiny and barely had any beef at all on it. I’m saying if a Big Mac has two beef patties then the wrap should have the same two beef patties instead of the half patty they lay in there like a dead fish….
That looks utterly foul, but I can’t say I’m surprised. Thanks for the warning!
The worst fast food experience I had was an Arby’s Chicken Sandwich. It started out OK, but somewhere in the middle of the patty was a bloated vein or something. I only know I bit in, there was distinct “crack” and “pop” and then a half a cup of nauseating hot fluid gushed into my mouth. We had to pull over so I could toss it, and the portion I had already digested onto the side of the road. I have not been able to eat at Arby’s since, and it’s been years.
McDonalds hires young kids, and out of luck adults and pay them crap wages. none the less, that is not the issue. The issue is these kids, and “adults” are so understaffed they are forced to make this crap the way you see it. they are given only 30 seconds to make what is on the screen. So they are forced to rush as fast as possible when there are 12 cars in the DT, and 20 people at the counter.