Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at The West Virginia Surf Report have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as volunteer field agents.
The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs. Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be baffling to visitors from other galaxies.
Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget.
Opera is a curious form of human “performance,” meaning it takes place on an elevated stage in front of an audience, which has inexplicably exchanged local currency for the privilege of witnessing the event.
It is this agent’s opinion that, save for a few oddballs and/or sufferers of trauma (severe electrical shock, kick of a race horse), almost no Earthling truly enjoys watching an opera. Yet, they’ve been well-attended for centuries.
In general terms, the show consists of portly Europeans in lavish dress, hollering for two hours. There is usually an incomprehensible story that accompanies the yelling, which is conveyed via heavy accents or a foreign language. Spectators are forced to tap some rarely-used inner-strength, in order not to sneak repeated glances at their wristwatches, or lapse into dormancy.
During an opera, the performers glide around the stage and take turns emitting sustained tones. The audience is conditioned to applaud whenever the wail is prolonged to the point where it becomes extra-annoying, and snaps the spectators out of their daydreams about how sweet life will be once this torture is over.
Some of the more accomplished “singers” can actually increase the volume of their yelling, as the siren-like shriek continues. In those rare instances audience members know to not only applaud, but to also smile, exchange expressions of astonishment, and repeatedly mouth the word “bravo.”
In different settings these same humans would likely choose alternate phrases, such as “incredible,” “remarkable,” or “kick-ass.” But inside the opera house it’s always “bravo.” Tradition demands it. It would be considered very bad form if (for instance), a patron screamed “fucking A!” to convey his or her appreciation of an operatic performance.
Because it is so difficult to endure, opera is considered to be high art. Among humans who self-identify as sophisticates, activities that are easily-accessible and entertaining are automatically dismissed. If it’s fun or widely popular, it will be mocked or ignored by a certain segment of the population. (See also: hipsters, pretentious pricks.)
Opera is a favorite among aging upper-class sophisticates who live in large cities. Within this human group it is very important to be observed attending an operatic performance several times per calendar year. Preferably on “opening night.” Most do not enjoy it, but are bound by social pressure to continue with the tradition. (See also: family, church.)
Shape-shifting aliens wishing to infiltrate an opera audience should wear a white scarf on the outside of their tuxedo jacket, flat and partially hidden by the collar. They should also have well-manicured facial hair, and project an aura that says, “I could crush you like a bug with a single phone call.”
If the female form is chosen, she should be short, plump, and powdered.
I hope this report has proven to be helpful. As always, I will be standing in the open field behind Dollar General Store, every Thursday between midnight and 2 a.m., if you should have follow-up questions.
This concludes today’s broadcast.
Other reports: Elvis Presley, Underwear, Golf, Gyms.
First? It’s been a while.
tooth?
tree?
This could be a good series of updates.
Bravo Jeff! Fuckin’ A Bravo.
Spinoff website? I’d add it to favorites…
Audience members must also arrive at said “performance” in a pretentious, over-engineered leased German vehicle with stupid LED daytime running lights.
Top ten? Fuckin’ A! Great update.
Hey RB were u in the South Side playing in a blues band jam sesssion on Saturday??
Bra – Fuckin’ – O!
It’s The Emperor’s New Clothes, isn’t it?
I went to The Ballet once. I fell asleep. Good god, what twaddle.
I dated a ballet dancer for a while. She was bendy. Got to like that.
I don’t have a problem with ballet dancing per se. It’s clearly difficult to do, and teaches grace and poise, all good things. However, it’s boring as all heck to watch.
Cattle mutilations are a lot more entertaining and there’s no language barrier.
True, but cattle mutilations and anal probing lack the subtlety of say La Boheme. So, I think these updates for aliens are necessary.
My sisters and I took my mother to the opera. We saw Rigoletto. I was spellbound. I thought it was fuckin’ a bravo! Of course, when I asked Beloved if he’d like to go sometime, I was met with a “Are you fuckin’ crazy?” answer.
I wonder how many prix fixe dinner farts are in those red velvet seat cushions.
I’m not a big fan of the opera either, but I am glad that I got the chance to see an opera at the Amato Opera (On the Bowery, next door to the old CBGBs) before it closed down. The obit for Anthony Amato published in the NYTimes last December is worth a read:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/15/arts/music/anthony-amato-founder-of-amato-opera-is-dead-at-91.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=amato&st=nyt
FUCKIN’- A. FUCKIN’ A!!!! *clapping wildly* I will look forward to this!
Been to the ballet but never the opera. Loved it. Although I don’t think the opera is for me. Unless we’re riding there and going in with bandana’s and leather,my boyfriend would laugh in my face.
I once listened to Queen’s “A Night At The Opra”, so I fulfilled that bullshit item on my bucket list.
Opera. Shit !!
Close enough. I’m using the Grand Old Opry to fullfill my btdt.
I’m a little slow today – did you guys read the “other” alien reports? Elvis Presley? Golf? And Underwear?
Go clicky.
No, even after you pointed it out I had trouble figuring it out. It’s Monday.
This was the shit!
Opera… some people love that browser; never tried it myself.
I fookin hate “Spring Ahead”; I’ve been dragging ass all day.
.
Chill: I think it’s supposed to be spring back, fall ahead, which might explain why your ass is bagging. In any case, I know what you mean…not a single person has shown up at any of my scheduled meetings all day.
jtb
The thought of a bunch of sophisticates hootin and hollerin “fuckin A!” was just too much.
I gotta stop eating while reading the Surf Report, or I’m gonna choke to death.