• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

The West Virginia Surf Report!

Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

  • Home
  • About
  • Best of
  • Books
  • Archives
  • Donate

Explanations for Aliens: Opera

March 11, 2012 By Jeff 27 Comments

Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at The West Virginia Surf Report have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as volunteer field agents.

The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be baffling to visitors from other galaxies.

Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget.

Opera is a curious form of human “performance,” meaning it takes place on an elevated stage in front of an audience, which has inexplicably exchanged local currency for the privilege of witnessing the event.

It is this agent’s opinion that, save for a few oddballs and/or sufferers of trauma (severe electrical shock, kick of a race horse), almost no Earthling truly enjoys watching an opera.  Yet, they’ve been well-attended for centuries.

In general terms, the show consists of portly Europeans in lavish dress, hollering for two hours.  There is usually an incomprehensible story that accompanies the yelling, which is conveyed via heavy accents or a foreign language.  Spectators are forced to tap some rarely-used inner-strength, in order not to sneak repeated glances at their wristwatches, or lapse into dormancy.

During an opera, the performers glide around the stage and take turns emitting sustained tones.  The audience is conditioned to applaud whenever the wail is prolonged to the point where it becomes extra-annoying, and snaps the spectators out of their daydreams about how sweet life will be once this torture is over.

Some of the more accomplished “singers” can actually increase the volume of their yelling, as the siren-like shriek continues. In those rare instances audience members know to not only applaud, but to also smile, exchange expressions of astonishment, and repeatedly mouth the word “bravo.”

In different settings these same humans would likely choose alternate phrases, such as “incredible,” “remarkable,” or “kick-ass.”  But inside the opera house it’s always “bravo.”  Tradition demands it.  It would be considered very bad form if (for instance), a patron screamed “fucking A!” to convey his or her appreciation of an operatic performance.

Because it is so difficult to endure, opera is considered to be high art.  Among humans who self-identify as sophisticates, activities that are easily-accessible and entertaining are automatically dismissed.  If it’s fun or widely popular, it will be mocked or ignored by a certain segment of the population. (See also: hipsters, pretentious pricks.)

Opera is a favorite among aging upper-class sophisticates who live in large cities.  Within this human group it is very important to be observed attending an operatic performance several times per calendar year.  Preferably on “opening night.”  Most do not enjoy it, but are bound by social pressure to continue with the tradition. (See also: family, church.)

Shape-shifting aliens wishing to infiltrate an opera audience should wear a white scarf on the outside of their tuxedo jacket, flat and partially hidden by the collar.  They should also have well-manicured facial hair, and project an aura that says, “I could crush you like a bug with a single phone call.”

If the female form is chosen, she should be short, plump, and powdered.

I hope this report has proven to be helpful. As always, I will be standing in the open field behind Dollar General Store, every Thursday between midnight and 2 a.m., if you should have follow-up questions.

This concludes today’s broadcast.

Other reports: Elvis Presley, Underwear, Golf, Gyms.

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on Pinterest

Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Greg says

    March 11, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    First? It’s been a while.

    Reply
  2. ron says

    March 11, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    tooth?

    Reply
  3. lori in cbus says

    March 11, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    tree?

    Reply
  4. icecycle66 says

    March 11, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    This could be a good series of updates.

    Reply
  5. Joe T. says

    March 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Bravo Jeff! Fuckin’ A Bravo.

    Reply
  6. Mark T. says

    March 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    Spinoff website? I’d add it to favorites…

    Reply
  7. DaveF says

    March 11, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    Audience members must also arrive at said “performance” in a pretentious, over-engineered leased German vehicle with stupid LED daytime running lights.

    Reply
  8. Rat Bastard says

    March 11, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    Top ten? Fuckin’ A! Great update.

    Reply
    • bikerchick says

      March 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm

      Hey RB were u in the South Side playing in a blues band jam sesssion on Saturday??

      Reply
  9. putski says

    March 11, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Bra – Fuckin’ – O!

    Reply
  10. Limey says

    March 11, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    It’s The Emperor’s New Clothes, isn’t it?

    I went to The Ballet once. I fell asleep. Good god, what twaddle.

    Reply
    • Henderson says

      March 12, 2012 at 2:52 pm

      I dated a ballet dancer for a while. She was bendy. Got to like that.

      Reply
      • Limey says

        March 12, 2012 at 6:52 pm

        I don’t have a problem with ballet dancing per se. It’s clearly difficult to do, and teaches grace and poise, all good things. However, it’s boring as all heck to watch.

        Reply
  11. dto says

    March 11, 2012 at 8:38 pm

    Cattle mutilations are a lot more entertaining and there’s no language barrier.

    Reply
    • Chuck in Belpre says

      March 12, 2012 at 11:39 am

      True, but cattle mutilations and anal probing lack the subtlety of say La Boheme. So, I think these updates for aliens are necessary.

      Reply
  12. Madz1962 says

    March 12, 2012 at 10:15 am

    My sisters and I took my mother to the opera. We saw Rigoletto. I was spellbound. I thought it was fuckin’ a bravo! Of course, when I asked Beloved if he’d like to go sometime, I was met with a “Are you fuckin’ crazy?” answer.

    I wonder how many prix fixe dinner farts are in those red velvet seat cushions.

    Reply
  13. Tipsey McChugney says

    March 12, 2012 at 11:26 am

    I’m not a big fan of the opera either, but I am glad that I got the chance to see an opera at the Amato Opera (On the Bowery, next door to the old CBGBs) before it closed down. The obit for Anthony Amato published in the NYTimes last December is worth a read:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/15/arts/music/anthony-amato-founder-of-amato-opera-is-dead-at-91.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=amato&st=nyt

    Reply
  14. bikerchick says

    March 12, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    FUCKIN’- A. FUCKIN’ A!!!! *clapping wildly* I will look forward to this!

    Been to the ballet but never the opera. Loved it. Although I don’t think the opera is for me. Unless we’re riding there and going in with bandana’s and leather,my boyfriend would laugh in my face.

    Reply
  15. Bill in WV says

    March 12, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    I once listened to Queen’s “A Night At The Opra”, so I fulfilled that bullshit item on my bucket list.

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      March 12, 2012 at 12:58 pm

      Opera. Shit !!

      Reply
    • Alex says

      March 12, 2012 at 4:07 pm

      Close enough. I’m using the Grand Old Opry to fullfill my btdt.

      Reply
  16. Madz1962 says

    March 12, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    I’m a little slow today – did you guys read the “other” alien reports? Elvis Presley? Golf? And Underwear?

    Go clicky.

    Reply
    • WB in OH says

      March 12, 2012 at 2:51 pm

      No, even after you pointed it out I had trouble figuring it out. It’s Monday.

      Reply
  17. NC Dave says

    March 12, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    This was the shit!

    Reply
  18. chill says

    March 12, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    Opera… some people love that browser; never tried it myself.

    I fookin hate “Spring Ahead”; I’ve been dragging ass all day.
    .

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      March 12, 2012 at 10:44 pm

      Chill: I think it’s supposed to be spring back, fall ahead, which might explain why your ass is bagging. In any case, I know what you mean…not a single person has shown up at any of my scheduled meetings all day.

      jtb

      Reply
  19. Cosgrove says

    March 13, 2012 at 11:56 am

    The thought of a bunch of sophisticates hootin and hollerin “fuckin A!” was just too much.

    I gotta stop eating while reading the Surf Report, or I’m gonna choke to death.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Now With Podcast!

Support Jeff And His Projects

Latest Tweets

  • Fresh podcast action, available everywhere! From Milton to Madagascar. pic.twitter.com/V6M1cmQcSA

    November 3, 2022 5:46 am

  • Something new I'm trying: nonewjeffs.substack.com/p/im-n…

    December 2, 2021 4:11 pm

  • Only 182 days until Opening Day.

    September 30, 2021 2:37 pm

  • Check out this great story about a 16 year old Tom Bergeron talking to Moe and Larry on the phone during the early… twitter.com/i/web/status/14387…

    September 17, 2021 5:02 am

  • Dogs! surfreportpod.com/2021/09/16/e…

    September 16, 2021 4:07 pm

Facebook!

Footer

Get Social!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Search The Surf Report

Copyright © 2023 · Smoking Fish Media