Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at The West Virginia Surf Report have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as volunteer field agents.
The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs. Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be baffling to visitors from other galaxies.
Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget.
By the late 20th Century many human Earthlings found themselves living in an almost fully-automated world. No longer were they required to engage in physical labor, and, thanks to advanced production techniques, food was inexpensive and plentiful. There was also a plethora of entertainment options, available ‘round the clock, via the simple push of a button.
Consequently, members of the human herd grew apathetic and sluggish, and sat around watching television broadcasts while shoving unhealthy snack cakes into their mouths with the heels of their hands. This led to a population of people carrying around more weight than a skeleton is designed to support. It also triggered an outbreak of health problems, such as diabetes (known as “sugar” in the southeastern United States), high blood pressure, “mannery glands,” “sway arms,” and the common “riffle ass.”
It is estimated that a full 20% of people currently living inside industrialized nations are unable to see their own genitalia, without the use of a complicated network of mirrors. And most are so complacent they can’t be bothered with a single mirror, let alone a network. This inclination has led to hygiene issues, the introduction of long-handled “wiping wands,” and people showing up for work smelling like corndogs and semen.
Often the “abundance” begins to rear its head during childhood – due to video games, Nickelodeon, and Vanilla Coke – but sometimes genetics can hold it down until humans reach their mid-30s. And these are the people who have known a life unencumbered by the “flesh parka,” and seek to maintain it for as long as possible.
Gyms, short for gymnasiums, are large, often elaborate facilities filled with machinery designed to simulate real work. Instead of actual toil, modern-day humans pay a monthly fee to engage in fake work – inside an air-conditioned building, tricked-out with dozens of televisions, and featuring a smoothie bar. They row boats that go nowhere, ride bicycles with the wheels elevated off the floor, and take long walks on motorized machines designed to impede all forward progress.
Some are successful at staving off the abundance (or escaping it) through the use of a gym. Most humans, however, approach it with early enthusiasm, but quickly realize that even fake work inside a fancy building is not for them. So, they stick to their schedule for a month or six weeks, and suddenly become “too busy” to maintain the regimen.
However, there is still a social benefit of owning a membership to one of these halls of artificial drudgery, even if it’s no longer being used. There is a certain sophistication associated with the mere mention of “the gym.” It also absolves humans of current bad behavior, because it makes it clear that the person is, at least, trying.
Say, for instance, a man donning the parka is out for a few beers at an Applebee’s one evening, with co-workers. And every time he laughs at a joke about the woman in accounting with one wonky eye, or whatever, his mannery glands LEAP into motion underneath his enormous shirt, the size of a grill cover. He feels self-conscious about this, so he says, “Man, I really need to get back to the gym soon. This is ridiculous.” Then he folds yet another fully-loaded potato skin into his mouth, with impunity. Monthly fee: worth it!
This reporter has limited experience with the gym. He maintained the regimen for several months, which is better than average. But he saw a mustachioed man in the locker room one evening, dressed in nothing but a jockstrap, clipping his toenails. His enthusiasm plummeted, and for two weeks woke up in the middle of the night screaming in terror.
I hope this report has proven to be helpful. As always, I will be standing in the open field behind Dollar General Store, every Thursday between midnight and 2 a.m., if you should have follow-up questions.
This concludes today’s broadcast.
Earlier reports: Elvis Presley, Underwear, Golf, Opera.
I hate to be the one to crack the seal but, FIRST???
Somebody has to harvest them…
‘…with the heels of their hands.’ LOVE that phrase! I could tell the author of that report even if it hadn’t been signed.
“riffle ass” – Oh dear God, I almost choked on a mouthful of water!!!!!
I hate to sound persnickety, but unless Applebee’s servers have recently adopted the traditional attire of Hooters, why a beer there, and not at a locally owned watering hole? Don’t we owe the aliens the concept of “Think Global, Drink Local”.
best wishes for a lush spring…
Chuck in Belpre says
i see what you did there.
Outstanding! I may have one of those flesh parkas in the closet. And plus, five.
Thank you, Jeff!
The Qweezy Mark says
“….smelling like corndogs and semen.” Best laugh of the week !!!
Little Debbie has a gym for you!
Aliens have probably been laughing at us every since they fornd out a United States president got stuck in a bathtub.
I find the chicks at Appllebees have a, “You might get to do me” attitude and the Hooters (which I’ve only been in once and asked to leave shortly after my arrival) chicks have an “In your dreams because I’m all that”, attitude.
Interesting! I haven’t set foot in an Applebees in over ten years, but maybe it’s time to revisit. Now, by “chicks” do you mean the wait staff or your fellow patrons?
Actually the wait staff but sit at the bar and open your options. The whole world is horny. You’ll do fine.
There’s semi-pro sport-fuckin’ at Applebees? Why was I not informed?
Chuck in Belpre says
just my luck…we have a Ruby Tuesday.
And, as of Friday, we have a Cheddar’s.
Chuck in Belpre says
Went past there at noon today…standing room only.
Friday must have freaked people out. The lot was only about three quarters full. I’ll wait a while before I try it out.
I’m home and my night sky has no light poulltion and the stars and planets are incredible. Looking up I couldn’t help thinking..there’s fat ailens out there that read your post…pounded back three extra Zagamotts and said fuck it.
Sorry, but I forget exactly where you settled. Seems like I remember New Mexico. I think NM has more “dark sky” sites than any other state, and clearer weather than other dark places like Montana. Astronomy and astrophysics are hobbies of mine. I’ve not been in a dark sky site with clear weather for years. I envy you your view of the cosmos.
Chama, New Mexico. Elevation…7890….population…1200. 130 miles north of Santa Fe. 18 miles from the Colorado boarder.
And yes…the night sky is mine. Been here going on 9 years now and have already picked out the place where I want them to scatter my ashes.
Wow, you must be able to see the galilean moons with a pair of field glasses. I’d love to be there, but after living much of my life at 300 feet, I’d need a pair of Sherpas (to carry me) and a light-weight hooker (to carry supplies).
Congratulations on finding home.
No stems, no seeds that you don’t need, sounds like JK got some bad-ass weed.
And yes, bad-ass has a hyphen. If it says “badass toy” on the side of your pickup, I think…..”uhhh, pineapple?”