The last two or three weeks have kicked my ass. I don’t know why, because I’m always running wide-open, but I’m wiped out. I hate to get all Nostrildamus on you guys, but I feel almost sick today — literally sick from exhaustion.
Yeah, I know, I’m generally the first to mock people who say shit like that. But it’s true, regardless of my prior (and future) insensitivity. It’s four o’clock in the afternoon and I could go to bed right now and sleep until morning.
Yesterday I worked more than thirteen hours, and was already a broken man when I got there. But I made it, without upchucking into a trashcan or whatever. And now I’ve got a little downtime to enjoy. I took Sunday off, so I don’t have to return until Monday evening.
And the Nancy gang left this morning, so it’s all coming together… finally. Holy shit. I feel like I’ve been beaten with a pillowcase full of Cokes. Also, my jeans are shockingly loose, all of a sudden. I’m a physical and emotional wreck.
I’m attributing part of the weight loss to a lack of beer, and only one Mountain Dew per shift at work. That’s A LOT of calories I’m no longer ingesting. I haven’t had a beer in many weeks, and haven’t even thought about it much. I’ve got too much to do, to waste time sitting around swilling Yuenglings and watching gay men negotiate real estate contracts, and whatnot.
But, of course, I might feel differently tomorrow… Ahem.
Steve told me he took his two golden retriever puppies to Knoebels (there are plenty of dogs at Knoebels, oddly enough), and one of them jumped up on a woman, snatched an earring, and swallowed it(!). This was just some random person, a complete stranger, and apparently the jewelry was gone before anyone knew what had happened.
Steve apologized, and offered to replace the set of earrings, but the woman told him they were one-of-a-kind, purchased in Italy. Heh.
Fast forward to Steve sifting through fresh-baked dog turds for several days… Finally, on the third morning, he found it. He said it was lying on top of the poop pile, like a wedding band on a ring bearer’s pillow.
He washed the thing in antibacterial soap, then soaked it in jewelry cleaner, and hand-delivered it to the woman.
Wonder if she’ll ever wear it again? Her one-of-a-kind Italian dog-shitted earring? Good stuff.
Speaking of the hounds, Andy is now back to normal. I don’t know what was going on with him, but he’s fully recovered. He’s back to bounding up stairs two at a time, and going ass-over-tits crazy at even the hint of a uniformed delivery man. It’s a relief. The thought of life without Black Lips Houlihan is not a pleasant one. He’s a fantastic animal.
I know I owe you guys an Eninen report or two. But that ain’t gonna happen today. I’ll get to it soon, but don’t currently possess the energy to undertake such a thing. Stay tuned.
This summer I’m going to work on a detailed outline for my next book project. It’s going to be an autobiographical type of thing, based on my West Virginia days. So, basically, everything up until the age of 23. There’s no shortage of material, that’s for sure….
As usual, I’d appreciate your input on this deal. Do any of my stories from that era stick out in your mind? What are your favorite tales of early debauchery (or otherwise)? Please use the comments link below.
And I’m going to call it a day, my friends. I think I’m going to go upstairs and read about Gerald Ford on my Kindle.
I probably won’t update tomorrow, so I’ll give you a bonus Question to ponder. What fake magazines do you think your co-workers might read? At a previous office (California), I worked with a woman who probably subscribed to Modern Hypochondria, and a squirrely little asshole who very likely read White Supremacy Today.
What about your co-workers? What fake magazines do you think they enjoy?
And, of course, if you have any stories about being forced to sift through poop… you know we’ll appreciate those. I mean, seriously.
See you guys next time.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road for your Kindle: just $2.99!
Sometimes somebody else always feels like they’ve been beaten with a canvas sack full of doorknobs.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
The Big Boss needs to subscribe to The Monthly Curmudgeon . He’d be the feature article and centerfold every issue.
“Slacker’s Weekly”…Ways to look like you’re actually doing something.
Boss: Shiny Jingling Keys Newsletter
Guy who sits to my left: Grudge Illustrated
Girl who sits more to my left: Late for Work Weekly
Girl who sits to my right: Whiney Ditz Fancy
Me: I’m Surrounded By Assholes Almanac
Chuck in Belpre says
Old guy across the street who seems to get more poon than Clooney: Cialis Insider
Twenty something guy next door who thinks he is Marshall Mathers from a decade ago: Eight Mile Times
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Hot Water Bottle Quarterly
I would be sorely disappointed if the book doesn’t contain the story of the vacation with the girl’s family where you refused to poop because the bathroom was next to the kitchen. One of your greatest hits!
I second this!!!
lori in cbus says
There’s this chick at work that probably gets:
1. Very High Maintenance Times
and the leaflet:
2. How to drive your CoWorkers crazy by repeating your dietary restrictions
and the pamphlet on:
3. How to annoy your Coworkers by asking each one what they brought for lunch and then criticize it. Also comes with a bonus chapter on #2
Phantom Railfan says
I know people who surely subscribe to:
–Smug Vegetarian Monthly
–Obnoxious Christian Prosyletizer Digest
–Obvious Toupee Gazette
–Proud Teetotaler’s Companion (special “guide-to-refusing-to-serve-beer-at-grown-up-parties” issue)
–Ridiculous Absence Excuse Journal
–Unlicensed Car and Bad Driver
–Racial Hatred Press
–Adulterous Hypocrite Annual Report
Some of them probably subscribe to more than one title…
I was once told to get into a “program” because I like a shot of whiskey in my morning coffee.,,,
I do it because my grandfather did and he lived to be 90….
My former priest probably reads: Priests’ HR Monthly, featuring the article: “How To Get Rid Of Your Choir Director Of Twenty-five Years By Simply Eliminating His Job Because You’re A Puss”. (But I’m not bitter . . . .)
My former boss probably reads: Photographer’s HR Monthly, featuring the article: “How To Dump Your Assistant The Day Before Christmas By Telling Him “I’ve Decided To Go In A Different Direction”. (Yea, I was bitter.)
I’m currently reading: Your Dad Died And You Inherited His Stock Portfolio Tax-free, And Haven’t Had To Work In Years, So Fuck You, Photographer Boss, You Still Have A Fat, Worthless Wife With A Master’s Degree In Counseling Who Refuses To Work, And Two Loser Kids To Support. It’s a good read.
I love a happy ending. 🙂
So much potential… but I won’t :^)
I’m rather fond of Happy Endings myself.
Maybe not a whole magazine, but here’s a story:
“Straight Men I have known in the Flower Business.”
I am the only hetero male ever to work in a key west flower shop.
“Tips for Personal Grooming in Your Cubicle”
Not a whole magazine, but at least a featured link on CNN.com
Mountains out of Mole Hills
Asian Driver Today
1. Insufferably Dull Daily.
2. How to Swallow Your Boss’s Semen Hourly.
3. The Illierate Manager Weekly.
4. Thrush! (or Irritatinging C***)
That’s my next book. Thrush the Irritating Cunt.
Sounds like a promising childrens book!
Weren’t Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin always chasing after THRUSH? My memory’s a little vague on their adventures.
From the neighborhood…
Smug: The Government Workers’ Monthly
Pissed: The Tea Party Weekly
One Inch Long and Proud: The Journal of Mowing
I like ‘Modern Luddite’ – it has a nice ring to it.
Muscle Cars That Will Never Start Again: The Collectors’ Edition
We have a crazy cousin that subscribes to that magazine. Also ‘Modern Scrapyard’ and ‘Antiques and Collecting Useless Farm Equipment, Cars, Old Radio Towers and General Crap That Might be Valuable One Day – NOT’
And the car’s been sitting on my lawn in an auto coccoon for 6 months!
Or something like that.
1) PMSing B#tches Weekly
2) The i’m sucking- the-boss’s-dick- and- everyone- in- -the- office- knows-it-making-the-office-atmosphere-very-awkward Home Companion
3) The Oh-did-I-mention-the-bosses-wife-works-in-the-office-too.. For Dummies
I hate my job. It’s time for a change..
Shouldn’t PMSing Bitches be a Monthly? Just sayin’….
Last issue had a whole spread on cultivating that onion and death smell, and transferring your toestank to your mouth!
Next door neighbors: Better Homes and Animal Hoarding….featuring a special report on ‘Squalor-How to Get the Look and Maintain the Stank’
Lady who lives in the apartment facing me: Methamphetemine Monthly
Weekly World M@#@$%Fu&*ing A$$ho*e and Report
Gothic Crackwhore…Titless and Proud of it!
The Slutne Reader
I worked at Boeing
and of course…
Neighbors: Inside Bieber’s Pants Bi-Weekly,
Hep Me:Tiny Thongs & Big Asses
Former customer at wine store: Have a Blessed Day, Baby (Look, There Goes Tasha She Fuckin’ Frankie) Today
Ex: I Hate You Now Illustrated
Brother: I Have Three Automobiles Now!
Me: Ranger Rick, Hi-Lites, Don’t Do It! Daily Suspense featuring my Ex
Hard to read a magazine in traffic, so my fellow commuters must be listening to the audiobook edition of “Driving Five Miles Per Hour Under The Speed Limit . . . For Dummies.”
Very glad all’s well with Andy, and eagerly awaiting the next N&N update. 🙂
The Breakroom Gossiper
Sick Leave and Sucsess.
Horney Old Men
Bathroom Stall Decorating
Audubon Chickens Forgotten This Week!
Nordberg Hertz International
Bruce Campbell Unleashed…
Details for Retail
Martha Stewart’s Dildos
Duran Duran’s Pics of your Mum (UK only)
BASS Players (forgotten)
Milli Vanilli lite
Sex Dirty Dicks in Girls
ok I made that last one up…
I’d read the Bruce Campbell one. I love that guy.
Anything involving Rocky – and I third the bathroom-near-the-kitchen story, as well.
Our neighbors are the publishers of Screaming Children Times, a spin off of Loud Adults Monthly. Sheesh.
Happy Friday, Surfers!
Although you haven’t written about it (except for hitting random cars with iceballs), surely you have some great paper route stories involving Fuzz, the guy who came in the truck to drop off the papers. Fuzz offered me a beer one day, when I was thirteen, at the pickup stop when he dropped off the bundle of papers. Wonder what happened to him?
Consistently drunk old woman that works here must get “Virginia Woolf Quarterly”. Says her Hyundai gets 100 miles to the gallon, cause that is what the used car salesman told her.
Brazilian chick who insists on showing me photos of her on the beach in Rio (topless….poor me) needs to be in a Brazilian Babes mag. Just couldn’t come up with a title.
Head boss has to subscibe to “I Sit At My fucking Computer All Day and Just Read Emails” Journal. Well paid talentless fuck.
Supervisor (female) has to read “Ball Envy Weekly” She looks like a little white haired old man and acts like one.
Swedish Bombshell- “i’m the Shit and None of You Will Ever Have Me Post”
Field Tech “I’m As Close To Willie Nelson As You Will Ever Meet Illustrated”
Woman who looks like Olive Oyl- “Fibromyalgia Is Real, Dammit Weekly”
Back in the drinking career I swallowed roughly ten dollars worth of quarters playing the sport of quarterbounce. The anticipation of hearing it clink into the toilet bowl the next day was always exciting. I could have used one of those sticks from Professor Shit in the previous update, but usuall kept a pair of pliers I used for such an occasion. A quarter’s a quarter, y’know.
Our inside sales department:
Fake Surgery Digest
Guide to Identifying Teen Sluts for Sport
Poor Me, Pity Me
Family Wars, How to Tell Everyone at Work
How to Stretch Five Sick Days into a Month at Disney
Foods that Grow Your Ass, Eat More
Damn, the story about the guy…fuck what was his name…he came into to work smelling like smoke and catchers mitt crotch. Fuck, your boss made him clean the slop pile, or whatever, and he just cranked up the radio and rocked out.
Clearly this story is set firmly in my mind, but shit you know what I’m talking about. That story has got to be in the book.
Good news about Andy.
Jeff, you HAVE to include the story about some tradgey that happened in your town (coal mine?) where they interviewed some lady who fell backwards and a cigarette butt flew out of her mouth and somersaulted in the air.
Non-chalantly Grooming Your Toenails
Flossing At Your Desk
Re: the book
As long as the Miller High Life pony bottles are rolling down the floor of the movie theater, the rest will be gravy.
Smoke Yourself Thin.
Stinky Foods Digest.
DIY Surgeries and Tattoos.
Facebook Your Day Away.
I’m Not a Hypochondriac – I’m Dying.
Shitting in Public.
How To Forward Shit.
The Jews Did It.
You have to include the episode where your buddy coated your apartment with ketchup. That makes me laugh just thinking about it.
I must have missed the Ketchup Occurance.
+1 on the Ketchup story….Jeff brother as I recall
Please include the cherry bomb in the bathroom.
Running Mouth Review
Butt Plug Aficionado
T. Farty McAppleass says
DIY Sex Toys
Masturbating at Work
Unhealthy Fixation on Birdhouses
I Still Think I’m 25
How To Creep People The Fuck Out
My cousin reads:
Roofer’s Helper’s Business Weekly
Whitey Bolger Reports
The Cunning Linguist
I steal these:
Journal of Torturers of Psychiatrists
I shit ya not.
Jeff, make sure you include your experiences at, umm, I forget the name of the store. Like K-Mart. Anyway, this was where you’d play tapes really lound in the stereo section or throw balls across the store (I remember one landed in a guys lunch while you watched & the laughter nearly killed you).
when i was in mid to late 40’s i was tired all time,very thirsty,peed a lot, was consuming lots calories,and still lost 40 pounds in about 6 weeks
please go to dr and get your a1c [blood suger] llevel checked
i had adult onset diabetis.or type 2 diabetis
1 pill a day and i was back to feeling better and consuming almost anything i wanted
if caught early it is better controled with minimal effort
please get checked soon
it’s not as bad as you think
I’m glad I’m not the first to say maybe it’s not JUST your stress and your work load that might be contributing to your rundown feelings. It can’t hurt to see a doctor, and feel free to utterly ignore all his suggestions to continue to replace Yuengling with yogurt.
“Overly Helpful Forum Contributor Gazette” for me, obviously.
Let it be noted, it was discovered HERE!
Glad to hear Andy is better.
Get your Thyroid levels checked too. If off, it will fuck up your whole body.
The Mrs (doc’s wife that runs the office): “Sucking the Right Dick: How To Go From Being a River Rat to a Plastic Surgeon’s Wife Digest”
My boyfriend: “Young and Hung”
Me: “Cougar Times: Hunting and Capturing the Young and Hung”
My Big Boss obviously reads
Ineptitude Digest. I suspect that he is the Editor in Chief, specializing in Talking Down to Others and Telling them They’re Replacable…while not knowing what the #(@ they actually DO on a daily basis.
He’s pompous, so the title actually fits.
Sunny Saturday afternoon in the Great Pacific Northwest. If you’ve not seen Joni Mitchell singing “For Free”, it’s probably because you’re young. Young is good, but you’ll need to see/hear this before you die, so why not now? Turn up the speakers and subwoofer, or don your best cans…
Chuck in Belpre says
I have a copy of Miles of Aisles on vinyl I never opened.
Don’t wait any longer … open it and play it it’s a great album !
Chuck in Belpre says
I bought it in 1974. I no longer have a turntable.
For whom did Jimmy Page and Robert Plant write “Going to California”, and why did they play it acoustically?
1) For Joni
2) For Joni
Thanks for the links – I had forgotten what a sweet voice Joni had (has?). And the songs haven’t gotten old, although I have. Not as much as you, of course :^)
Here’s a link that’s almost unrelated: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnwZGGV0rX8 ..but has a passing JM reference. The song is from about 1980. 45 views!
I have no Joni recordings, but I have plenty of Mingus.
To be fair, I only got more old because I had a head start; also because I consumed about 800 cases of bourbon. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
And thanks, Chill, for the Joni comments. Somehow when she sings like that I get an achin’ in my heart.
WB in OH says
T-storm…dto just called, he’s 90 minutes outside OK city. He’ll honk on his way through. ..carry on
crap! I was asleep.
A buncha my friends read
doc’s Journal of Runnin’ Jokes Into the Ground
Brady Bunch mom got crabs from NY mayor….
You know what they say about working your fingers to the bone don’t you?…