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Exhaustion, Dog Thieves, Early Debauchery, and Fake Magazines

June 23, 2011 By Jeff 74 Comments

The last two or three weeks have kicked my ass.  I don’t know why, because I’m always running wide-open, but I’m wiped out.  I hate to get all Nostrildamus on you guys, but I feel almost sick today — literally sick from exhaustion.

Yeah, I know, I’m generally the first to mock people who say shit like that.  But it’s true, regardless of my prior (and future) insensitivity.  It’s four o’clock in the afternoon and I could go to bed right now and sleep until morning.

Yesterday I worked more than thirteen hours, and was already a broken man when I got there.  But I made it, without upchucking into a trashcan or whatever.  And now I’ve got a little downtime to enjoy.  I took Sunday off, so I don’t have to return until Monday evening.

And the Nancy gang left this morning, so it’s all coming together… finally.  Holy shit.  I feel like I’ve been beaten with a pillowcase full of Cokes.  Also, my jeans are shockingly loose, all of a sudden.  I’m a physical and emotional wreck.

I’m attributing part of the weight loss to a lack of beer, and only one Mountain Dew per shift at work.  That’s A LOT of calories I’m no longer ingesting.  I haven’t had a beer in many weeks, and haven’t even thought about it much.  I’ve got too much to do, to waste time sitting around swilling Yuenglings and watching gay men negotiate real estate contracts, and whatnot.

But, of course, I might feel differently tomorrow… Ahem.

Steve told me he took his two golden retriever puppies to Knoebels (there are plenty of dogs at Knoebels, oddly enough), and one of them jumped up on a woman, snatched an earring, and swallowed it(!).  This was just some random person, a complete stranger, and apparently the jewelry was gone before anyone knew what had happened.

Steve apologized, and offered to replace the set of earrings, but the woman told him they were one-of-a-kind, purchased in Italy.  Heh.

Fast forward to Steve sifting through fresh-baked dog turds for several days…  Finally, on the third morning, he found it.  He said it was lying on top of the poop pile, like a wedding band on a ring bearer’s pillow.

He washed the thing in antibacterial soap, then soaked it in jewelry cleaner, and hand-delivered it to the woman.

Wonder if she’ll ever wear it again?  Her one-of-a-kind Italian dog-shitted earring?  Good stuff.

Speaking of the hounds, Andy is now back to normal.  I don’t know what was going on with him, but he’s fully recovered.  He’s back to bounding up stairs two at a time, and going ass-over-tits crazy at even the hint of a uniformed delivery man.  It’s a relief.  The thought of life without Black Lips Houlihan is not a pleasant one.  He’s a fantastic animal.

I know I owe you guys an Eninen report or two.  But that ain’t gonna happen today.  I’ll get to it soon, but don’t currently possess the energy to undertake such a thing.  Stay tuned.

This summer I’m going to work on a detailed outline for my next book project.  It’s going to be an autobiographical type of thing, based on my West Virginia days.  So, basically, everything up until the age of 23.  There’s no shortage of material, that’s for sure….

As usual, I’d appreciate your input on this deal.  Do any of my stories from that era stick out in your mind?  What are your favorite tales of early debauchery (or otherwise)?  Please use the comments link below.

And I’m going to call it a day, my friends.  I think I’m going to go upstairs and read about Gerald Ford on my Kindle.

I probably won’t update tomorrow, so I’ll give you a bonus Question to ponder.  What fake magazines do you think your co-workers might read?  At a previous office (California), I worked with a woman who probably subscribed to Modern Hypochondria, and a squirrely little asshole who very likely read White Supremacy Today.

What about your co-workers?  What fake magazines do you think they enjoy?

And, of course, if you have any stories about being forced to sift through poop… you know we’ll appreciate those.  I mean, seriously.

See you guys next time.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road for your Kindle: just $2.99!

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Comments

  1. icecycle66 says

    June 23, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Sometimes somebody else always feels like they’ve been beaten with a canvas sack full of doorknobs.

    Reply
  2. JCIII says

    June 23, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……

    The Big Boss needs to subscribe to The Monthly Curmudgeon . He’d be the feature article and centerfold every issue.

    Reply
  3. dto says

    June 23, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    “Slacker’s Weekly”…Ways to look like you’re actually doing something.

    ***YAY Andy…

    Reply
  4. icecycle66 says

    June 23, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Boss: Shiny Jingling Keys Newsletter

    Guy who sits to my left: Grudge Illustrated

    Girl who sits more to my left: Late for Work Weekly

    Girl who sits to my right: Whiney Ditz Fancy

    Me: I’m Surrounded By Assholes Almanac

    Reply
  5. Chuck in Belpre says

    June 23, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Old guy across the street who seems to get more poon than Clooney: Cialis Insider

    Twenty something guy next door who thinks he is Marshall Mathers from a decade ago: Eight Mile Times

    Reply
  6. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    June 23, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Hot Water Bottle Quarterly

    Reply
  7. Ed says

    June 23, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    I would be sorely disappointed if the book doesn’t contain the story of the vacation with the girl’s family where you refused to poop because the bathroom was next to the kitchen. One of your greatest hits!

    Reply
    • Rick says

      June 23, 2011 at 6:18 pm

      I second this!!!

      Reply
  8. lori in cbus says

    June 23, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    There’s this chick at work that probably gets:

    1. Very High Maintenance Times

    and the leaflet:

    2. How to drive your CoWorkers crazy by repeating your dietary restrictions

    and the pamphlet on:

    3. How to annoy your Coworkers by asking each one what they brought for lunch and then criticize it. Also comes with a bonus chapter on #2

    Reply
  9. Phantom Railfan says

    June 23, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    I know people who surely subscribe to:

    –Smug Vegetarian Monthly
    –Obnoxious Christian Prosyletizer Digest
    –Obvious Toupee Gazette
    –Proud Teetotaler’s Companion (special “guide-to-refusing-to-serve-beer-at-grown-up-parties” issue)
    –Ridiculous Absence Excuse Journal
    –Unlicensed Car and Bad Driver
    –Racial Hatred Press
    –Adulterous Hypocrite Annual Report

    Some of them probably subscribe to more than one title…

    Reply
    • lucas says

      June 23, 2011 at 8:50 pm

      I was once told to get into a “program” because I like a shot of whiskey in my morning coffee.,,,

      I do it because my grandfather did and he lived to be 90….

      Reply
  10. Greg says

    June 23, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    My former priest probably reads: Priests’ HR Monthly, featuring the article: “How To Get Rid Of Your Choir Director Of Twenty-five Years By Simply Eliminating His Job Because You’re A Puss”. (But I’m not bitter . . . .)

    My former boss probably reads: Photographer’s HR Monthly, featuring the article: “How To Dump Your Assistant The Day Before Christmas By Telling Him “I’ve Decided To Go In A Different Direction”. (Yea, I was bitter.)

    I’m currently reading: Your Dad Died And You Inherited His Stock Portfolio Tax-free, And Haven’t Had To Work In Years, So Fuck You, Photographer Boss, You Still Have A Fat, Worthless Wife With A Master’s Degree In Counseling Who Refuses To Work, And Two Loser Kids To Support. It’s a good read.

    Reply
    • jennypiccalo says

      June 26, 2011 at 9:54 pm

      I love a happy ending. 🙂

      Reply
      • chill says

        June 26, 2011 at 10:36 pm

        So much potential… but I won’t :^)
        .

        Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        June 26, 2011 at 10:49 pm

        I’m rather fond of Happy Endings myself.

        jtb

        Reply
  11. kenju says

    June 23, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    Maybe not a whole magazine, but here’s a story:

    “Straight Men I have known in the Flower Business.”

    Reply
    • Randall says

      June 24, 2011 at 3:28 pm

      I am the only hetero male ever to work in a key west flower shop.

      Reply
  12. Henderson says

    June 23, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    “Tips for Personal Grooming in Your Cubicle”

    Not a whole magazine, but at least a featured link on CNN.com

    Reply
  13. Alex says

    June 23, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    Mountains out of Mole Hills
    Exaggeration Weekly
    Asian Driver Today

    Reply
  14. putski says

    June 23, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    1. Insufferably Dull Daily.
    2. How to Swallow Your Boss’s Semen Hourly.
    3. The Illierate Manager Weekly.
    4. Thrush! (or Irritatinging C***)

    Reply
    • t-storm says

      June 23, 2011 at 9:43 pm

      That’s my next book. Thrush the Irritating Cunt.

      Reply
      • D. says

        June 24, 2011 at 11:45 am

        Sounds like a promising childrens book!

        Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      June 26, 2011 at 10:56 pm

      Weren’t Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin always chasing after THRUSH? My memory’s a little vague on their adventures.

      jtb

      Reply
  15. johnthebasket says

    June 23, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    From the neighborhood…

    Smug: The Government Workers’ Monthly

    Modern Luddite

    Pissed: The Tea Party Weekly

    One Inch Long and Proud: The Journal of Mowing

    .
    jtb

    Reply
    • chill says

      June 23, 2011 at 8:32 pm

      I like ‘Modern Luddite’ – it has a nice ring to it.
      .

      Reply
  16. johnthebasket says

    June 23, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    One more…

    Muscle Cars That Will Never Start Again: The Collectors’ Edition

    .
    jtb

    Reply
    • FirstNations says

      June 23, 2011 at 9:26 pm

      We have a crazy cousin that subscribes to that magazine. Also ‘Modern Scrapyard’ and ‘Antiques and Collecting Useless Farm Equipment, Cars, Old Radio Towers and General Crap That Might be Valuable One Day – NOT’

      Reply
    • t-storm says

      June 23, 2011 at 9:45 pm

      And the car’s been sitting on my lawn in an auto coccoon for 6 months!

      Or something like that.

      Reply
  17. rob says

    June 23, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    1) PMSing B#tches Weekly
    2) The i’m sucking- the-boss’s-dick- and- everyone- in- -the- office- knows-it-making-the-office-atmosphere-very-awkward Home Companion
    3) The Oh-did-I-mention-the-bosses-wife-works-in-the-office-too.. For Dummies

    I hate my job. It’s time for a change..

    Reply
    • CADude says

      June 24, 2011 at 5:19 pm

      Shouldn’t PMSing Bitches be a Monthly? Just sayin’….

      Reply
  18. lucas says

    June 23, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    Magazines:

    Funkuire

    Last issue had a whole spread on cultivating that onion and death smell, and transferring your toestank to your mouth!

    Reply
  19. FirstNations says

    June 23, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Next door neighbors: Better Homes and Animal Hoarding….featuring a special report on ‘Squalor-How to Get the Look and Maintain the Stank’

    Lady who lives in the apartment facing me: Methamphetemine Monthly
    Weekly World M@#@$%Fu&*ing A$$ho*e and Report
    Popular Screaming
    Gothic Crackwhore…Titless and Proud of it!
    The Slutne Reader

    Reply
  20. t-storm says

    June 23, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    Firedrill Today

    I worked at Boeing

    and of course…

    Halal Times

    Reply
  21. doctorright says

    June 23, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    Neighbors: Inside Bieber’s Pants Bi-Weekly,
    Hep Me:Tiny Thongs & Big Asses

    Former customer at wine store: Have a Blessed Day, Baby (Look, There Goes Tasha She Fuckin’ Frankie) Today

    Ex: I Hate You Now Illustrated

    Brother: I Have Three Automobiles Now!

    Me: Ranger Rick, Hi-Lites, Don’t Do It! Daily Suspense featuring my Ex

    Reply
  22. junkfood says

    June 23, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Hard to read a magazine in traffic, so my fellow commuters must be listening to the audiobook edition of “Driving Five Miles Per Hour Under The Speed Limit . . . For Dummies.”

    Reply
  23. Seanette says

    June 23, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    Very glad all’s well with Andy, and eagerly awaiting the next N&N update. 🙂

    Reply
  24. dto says

    June 24, 2011 at 12:25 am

    Disability Digest.
    The Breakroom Gossiper
    Sick Leave and Sucsess.
    Horney Old Men
    Bathroom Stall Decorating
    Desk Gardening

    Reply
  25. doctorright says

    June 24, 2011 at 1:51 am

    Audubon Chickens Forgotten This Week!
    Necromancer Announcer
    Nordberg Hertz International
    Bruce Campbell Unleashed…
    Entertainment Geeky
    Details for Retail
    Martha Stewart’s Dildos
    Modern Drummer
    Duran Duran’s Pics of your Mum (UK only)
    Cocayyne
    BASS Players (forgotten)
    Milli Vanilli lite
    Time
    Sex Dirty Dicks in Girls

    ok I made that last one up…
    sorry

    Reply
    • renn says

      June 25, 2011 at 4:12 pm

      I’d read the Bruce Campbell one. I love that guy.

      Reply
  26. Knucklehead says

    June 24, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Anything involving Rocky – and I third the bathroom-near-the-kitchen story, as well.

    Our neighbors are the publishers of Screaming Children Times, a spin off of Loud Adults Monthly. Sheesh.

    Happy Friday, Surfers!

    Reply
  27. AngryWhiteGuy says

    June 24, 2011 at 7:45 am

    Although you haven’t written about it (except for hitting random cars with iceballs), surely you have some great paper route stories involving Fuzz, the guy who came in the truck to drop off the papers. Fuzz offered me a beer one day, when I was thirteen, at the pickup stop when he dropped off the bundle of papers. Wonder what happened to him?

    Consistently drunk old woman that works here must get “Virginia Woolf Quarterly”. Says her Hyundai gets 100 miles to the gallon, cause that is what the used car salesman told her.

    Brazilian chick who insists on showing me photos of her on the beach in Rio (topless….poor me) needs to be in a Brazilian Babes mag. Just couldn’t come up with a title.

    Head boss has to subscibe to “I Sit At My fucking Computer All Day and Just Read Emails” Journal. Well paid talentless fuck.

    Supervisor (female) has to read “Ball Envy Weekly” She looks like a little white haired old man and acts like one.

    Swedish Bombshell- “i’m the Shit and None of You Will Ever Have Me Post”

    Field Tech “I’m As Close To Willie Nelson As You Will Ever Meet Illustrated”

    Woman who looks like Olive Oyl- “Fibromyalgia Is Real, Dammit Weekly”

    Back in the drinking career I swallowed roughly ten dollars worth of quarters playing the sport of quarterbounce. The anticipation of hearing it clink into the toilet bowl the next day was always exciting. I could have used one of those sticks from Professor Shit in the previous update, but usuall kept a pair of pliers I used for such an occasion. A quarter’s a quarter, y’know.

    Reply
  28. hardoxdan says

    June 24, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Our inside sales department:
    Fake Surgery Digest
    Guide to Identifying Teen Sluts for Sport
    Tattoo Weekly
    Poor Me, Pity Me
    Family Wars, How to Tell Everyone at Work
    How to Stretch Five Sick Days into a Month at Disney
    Foods that Grow Your Ass, Eat More

    Reply
  29. icecycle66 says

    June 24, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Damn, the story about the guy…fuck what was his name…he came into to work smelling like smoke and catchers mitt crotch. Fuck, your boss made him clean the slop pile, or whatever, and he just cranked up the radio and rocked out.

    Clearly this story is set firmly in my mind, but shit you know what I’m talking about. That story has got to be in the book.

    Reply
  30. madz1962 says

    June 24, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Good news about Andy.

    Jeff, you HAVE to include the story about some tradgey that happened in your town (coal mine?) where they interviewed some lady who fell backwards and a cigarette butt flew out of her mouth and somersaulted in the air.

    Magazines:

    Martyr Monthly
    Non-chalantly Grooming Your Toenails
    Flossing At Your Desk
    Miraculous Recoveries

    Reply
  31. ashton says

    June 24, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Re: the book

    As long as the Miller High Life pony bottles are rolling down the floor of the movie theater, the rest will be gravy.

    Reply
  32. Jason says

    June 24, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Southern Schizophrenia.
    Smoke Yourself Thin.
    Stinky Foods Digest.
    DIY Surgeries and Tattoos.
    Facebook Your Day Away.
    I’m Not a Hypochondriac – I’m Dying.
    Shitting in Public.
    Bragadocious Couponer
    How To Forward Shit.
    I’m Offended.
    The Jews Did It.

    Reply
  33. Dan says

    June 24, 2011 at 11:46 am

    You have to include the episode where your buddy coated your apartment with ketchup. That makes me laugh just thinking about it.

    Reply
    • icecycle66 says

      June 24, 2011 at 11:50 am

      I must have missed the Ketchup Occurance.

      Reply
      • mike says

        June 27, 2011 at 8:47 am

        +1 on the Ketchup story….Jeff brother as I recall

        Reply
  34. uncle_wedgie says

    June 24, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Please include the cherry bomb in the bathroom.

    Running Mouth Review
    Butt Plug Aficionado

    Reply
  35. T. Farty McAppleass says

    June 24, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    DIY Sex Toys
    Tiny Bladder
    Drowning Puppies
    Indecent Upbringing
    Sir Fartsalot
    Masturbating at Work
    Halitosis Living
    Unhealthy Fixation on Birdhouses
    Moocher’s Monthly
    I Still Think I’m 25
    How To Creep People The Fuck Out

    Reply
  36. doctorright says

    June 24, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    My cousin reads:

    Roofer’s Helper’s Business Weekly
    Bunters Almanac
    Skullfuckery
    Whitey Bolger Reports
    The Cunning Linguist

    I steal these:

    Journal of Torturers of Psychiatrists
    Shrimper’s Delight
    Smarter Nuts

    I shit ya not.

    Reply
  37. junkfood says

    June 24, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Jeff, make sure you include your experiences at, umm, I forget the name of the store. Like K-Mart. Anyway, this was where you’d play tapes really lound in the stereo section or throw balls across the store (I remember one landed in a guys lunch while you watched & the laughter nearly killed you).

    Reply
  38. ron says

    June 24, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    when i was in mid to late 40’s i was tired all time,very thirsty,peed a lot, was consuming lots calories,and still lost 40 pounds in about 6 weeks
    please go to dr and get your a1c [blood suger] llevel checked
    i had adult onset diabetis.or type 2 diabetis
    1 pill a day and i was back to feeling better and consuming almost anything i wanted
    if caught early it is better controled with minimal effort

    please get checked soon
    it’s not as bad as you think

    Reply
  39. Nezrite says

    June 24, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    I’m glad I’m not the first to say maybe it’s not JUST your stress and your work load that might be contributing to your rundown feelings. It can’t hurt to see a doctor, and feel free to utterly ignore all his suggestions to continue to replace Yuengling with yogurt.

    “Overly Helpful Forum Contributor Gazette” for me, obviously.

    Reply
  40. t-storm says

    June 24, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    YOGURLING?

    Reply
    • Nezrite says

      June 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm

      Let it be noted, it was discovered HERE!

      Reply
  41. bikerchick says

    June 25, 2011 at 8:42 am

    Glad to hear Andy is better.

    Get your Thyroid levels checked too. If off, it will fuck up your whole body.

    The Mrs (doc’s wife that runs the office): “Sucking the Right Dick: How To Go From Being a River Rat to a Plastic Surgeon’s Wife Digest”

    My boyfriend: “Young and Hung”

    Me: “Cougar Times: Hunting and Capturing the Young and Hung”

    Reply
  42. renn says

    June 25, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    My Big Boss obviously reads

    Ineptitude Digest. I suspect that he is the Editor in Chief, specializing in Talking Down to Others and Telling them They’re Replacable…while not knowing what the #(@ they actually DO on a daily basis.

    He’s pompous, so the title actually fits.

    Reply
  43. johnthebasket says

    June 25, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Sunny Saturday afternoon in the Great Pacific Northwest. If you’ve not seen Joni Mitchell singing “For Free”, it’s probably because you’re young. Young is good, but you’ll need to see/hear this before you die, so why not now? Turn up the speakers and subwoofer, or don your best cans…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M4ZZhT-C0A

    .
    jtb

    Reply
    • Chuck in Belpre says

      June 25, 2011 at 8:20 pm

      I have a copy of Miles of Aisles on vinyl I never opened.

      Reply
      • tom says

        June 26, 2011 at 3:52 pm

        Don’t wait any longer … open it and play it it’s a great album !

        Reply
        • Chuck in Belpre says

          June 26, 2011 at 8:02 pm

          I bought it in 1974. I no longer have a turntable.

          Reply
  44. johnthebasket says

    June 25, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Q:
    For whom did Jimmy Page and Robert Plant write “Going to California”, and why did they play it acoustically?

    A:
    1) For Joni
    2) For Joni

    Here’s why…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-q4foLKDlcE&feature=fvwrel

    .
    jtb

    Reply
  45. chill says

    June 25, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    jtb,

    Thanks for the links – I had forgotten what a sweet voice Joni had (has?). And the songs haven’t gotten old, although I have. Not as much as you, of course :^)

    Here’s a link that’s almost unrelated: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnwZGGV0rX8 ..but has a passing JM reference. The song is from about 1980. 45 views!

    I have no Joni recordings, but I have plenty of Mingus.
    .

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      June 25, 2011 at 10:53 pm

      Chill…

      To be fair, I only got more old because I had a head start; also because I consumed about 800 cases of bourbon. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

      jtb

      Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      June 25, 2011 at 11:20 pm

      And thanks, Chill, for the Joni comments. Somehow when she sings like that I get an achin’ in my heart.

      jtb

      Reply
  46. WB in OH says

    June 25, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    T-storm…dto just called, he’s 90 minutes outside OK city. He’ll honk on his way through. ..carry on

    Reply
    • t-storm says

      June 26, 2011 at 10:28 am

      crap! I was asleep.

      Reply
  47. doctorright says

    June 26, 2011 at 2:34 am

    A buncha my friends read
    doc’s Journal of Runnin’ Jokes Into the Ground

    Reply
  48. Uncle_Wedgie says

    June 26, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    http://www.mcall.com/business/mc-yuengling-20110625,0,4319468.story

    Reply
  49. Gretchen says

    June 26, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    Brady Bunch mom got crabs from NY mayor….

    Wait, what?

    http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43538991/ns/today-entertainment/

    Reply
  50. dto says

    June 27, 2011 at 12:38 am

    You know what they say about working your fingers to the bone don’t you?…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgdIH_rwG1w

    Reply
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