A couple of weeks ago something happened to a length of guttering on the front of our house. A nail, or somesuch, said fukkit and the thing started drooping in the middle. It looked like Buddy Hackett’s bottom lip.
“We need to get that fixed,” I told Toney. Which meant: we need to open the Yellow Pages and hire someone to take care of it, ’cause I’m not climbing up on that roof. What am I, Sol Spiderman?”
It looked kinda shabby, but probably wasn’t as noticeable to passersby, as it was to us. And since there wasn’t a powerful urgency, we did nothing.
And on Friday it fell off. Well, it didn’t come completely loose, just one end of it detached from the house. And it instantly turned our respectable home into a white trash shack. And I can’t have that.
On Saturday morning a man arrived with all manner of equipment, and brought our shit correct. He had a prissy little mop-dog with him, was walking all around our house, and across the roof.
Our dog Andy (Mr. Dingles) was about to have a full-on stroke, and when the mailman arrived right in the middle of it all… Well, I’m just glad our family pet didn’t explode in the living room, as a result of “too much.”
But the guy cleaned our gutters thoroughly, lectured us about getting it done in November instead of spring, repaired the Hackett lip, and went on his way with one of our checks in his pocket.
And that’s the Jeff Kay style of home repairs.
We took Andy for a walk on Saturday afternoon, and discovered a whole new neighborhood just a short distance from our house.
It was incredible, I could barely believe it. The homes were huge and new — some are still being built — and it’s probably less than a mile from us. How could such a thing happen, without us knowing?
We walked up and down the new streets, and people were out in their yards and washing their cars. It felt like we’d slipped into some kind of parallel world. Our house was (presumably) right over there, but here was a freaky, pristine community where none had been before.
All four of us were blown away (Andy didn’t seem to give a crap), and we oohed and aahed our way through the whole development. It was eerie, yet really cool.
They can insert full-blown subdivisions into seemingly impossible places, with the precision of a spine surgeon, can’t they? But how did they get all that construction equipment in there, without any of us noticing?
It’s freaking me out, man.
On Friday I sent a message to the mailing list, announcing the launch of a new website being maintained by Metten and myself. It’s called Mockable, and you can see it here.
Right now the two of us are handling the updates, but we might solicit contributions in the future. The concept is fairly simple, and is summed up in the tagline: Your online clearinghouse for all things mockable.
We’re both really excited about this new project, and hope you guys will enjoy it as well. Please feel free to comment and participate as you see fit. And if you want to promote it in some way, we won’t object to that either. We’re going to try to post something new every weekday, so there will be plenty of mockables to go around.
We’re not going to tell you which one of us wrote each article, it’s going to be a Lennon/McCartney kind of a deal, so you can try to guess, if you’d like. Are our writing styles distinctive enough for you to differentiate? I’d be interested in knowing.
And this is a quickie, but I’ll leave you now with the Question of the Day. When you were a kid, middle school-age or younger, what did you want to do when you grew up? And did you do it?
When I was really young, I wanted to be an astronaut. This was around the time of the Apollo missions, and I think every kid in America had the same thoughts. But, of course, at this point I could wear a lunar module like a pair of pants. I don’t think I was put on this Earth for space exploration, I really don’t.
And I wanted to be a baseball player, but was never foolish enough to believe it would ever happen. You know, since I wasn’t very good. Then I adjusted my plans to working in the Cincinnati Reds front office — like Castanza with the Yankees. And how sad is that? Dreaming of paper-pushing at a young age?
By the time I reached high school I wanted to be a writer, and what do I actually do? That’s correct, inventory management.
What about you? How close did you get to your childhood dreams? Did any of you actually make it? If so, I’d like to shake your hand. Sincerely.
And that’s going to do it for today, boys and girls.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
Ouch!!
Whoa!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!
Tada!
I plead the FIFTH!!
I wanted to be a drunken ski bum. I made that and then some. I am a reformed drunken ski bum now…
Howdy!
I wanted to be a writer!
HAHAHAHAHA! Well that ain’t gonna happen…
I wanted to be a lion tamer, but ended up in public accountancy. Well, the latter of the two is true. Sorry, I had a Monty Python flashback there for a sec.
I wanted to be an archeologist. Nope, didn’t make it. Not too many ancient ruins in West Virginia.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a stand up comedian…. I flunked out of college before age 20, so I was on my way to a good start. Then I got a job at Bennigan’s and the rest is history. Now I make my money off of Bennigan’s tips and selling AR-15s out of the trunk of my car on the west side of Charleston. Ain’t America great?
If you can’t do what you love full time, doing it as a part time hobby is the next best thing. From what I can see, this is what you are doing now, so grats on that. You never know what can happen after.
When I was young, I wanted to be a doctor, because my parents told me so. So I got a degree in education, a masters in counseling, and did that for a few years. Bored, I became a case manager for a group of people who were being “de-institutionalized” by the state. This, of course, lead to my current job of photographer. I work with the legal community, and most of my stuff ends up in court as evidence.
I wanted to be a lottery winner. I’m still working on fulfilling that dream.
As a kid, I wanted to be a performer on snl. I didn’t make it.
On mockable.org, I think that I can tell who wrote what. Metten wrote the first 4 (Pizza Street, Madonna, Seafood, Trains), Jeff the last 3 (Obama, Cats, Cologne.)
Dad was a Pilot Grandad was a Pilot growing up as an air force Brat the ONLY career any of us ever thought of was the Air Force! I washed out 6 Months into flight school! which in retrospect aint half bad as dad Grandad and stepdad were all killed flying!
Now I am following in Brandy’s footsteps!
I have always wanted to work with animals. I have a Zoology degree. I manage an apartment complex. Full of college students. Some days it is a zoo. Others it just sucks.
I wanted to be a race car driver. Now I manage a machine shop. Dreams do come true?
wanted to be a M.D. and ended up in Equine Dentistry…..horse of a different color i guess
None of you guys said “pornstar”? Buncha goddamn liars!
I wanted to be a stand up comedian. Never even tried it. There’s still time. But I guess you have to actually be funny to make it. So I guess I’ll pass.
I don’t even know who to call about being a pornstar. Hey, what about a pornstar that tells knock knock jokes the whole time? Let me know if you see something in the want ads.
I wanted to be a race car driver a la Speed Racer (yeah, I know I’m a girl – it was teh 60s and evidently I was a feminist at an early age) I think Cowgirl was in there briefly, as well. I did neither, although friends that ride in my car think I may have fulfilled the Race Car Driver in hobby, at least.
I wanted to be an archeologist when I was in my early teens. My father shot me down instantly when I mentioned this. “You have no patience”, he told me. “Have you seen those people with their tiny little brushes just brushing the dust off things that are half buried? You, my dear, would get a shovel”. Thus ended my dream of digging up antiquities.
When I was 15 I decided I was going to move to England. That never happened, but now, at 47, it looks like I will be moving to Italy. Maybe getting laid off wasn’t so bad after all?
Happy Monday, Surfers!
Jeff, it sounds as though you have the same home repair skills and patience as I do. I take a 30 minute task for any real man, and turn it into a 3 hour fiasco full of bitching, swearing, and high blood pressure.
I guess I’m lucky…I always wanted to be on the radio and that’s what I do, although I’m not sure I’d classify it a dream. We’ll save that for the ballplayers, rockstars, etc. My only consolation is I love going to work each day.
The one thing I remember wanting to be when I was a kid was a cartoonist. Then I figured out I couldn’t draw anything worth a shit.
Got to high school and decided I want to be an accountant. At the moment, I am an accountant, but I’ve bounced back and forth between accounting and supply chain management. And soon I will have a degree in both. I’m such a nerd.
Hey Farty – let’s make a porn movie together!
Oh, forgot. I sell real estate now. Foot Whore, you’re dead to me.
Oh Farty, don’t break my heart.
i wanted to be a dj. or a music director/program director for a radio station. i figured it’d just be sitting around listening to music all day and then also making out with chicks.
i worked at my colege’s radio station. even got to be the pd there. there weren’t any chicks to make out with. just… baffled looking hipsters and smelly goths.
I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
I wanted to grow up to be Jimmy Hendrix. Then I realized that being a dead black guy would not be that much fun.
I wanted to be a rich widow.
Geez Jeff – you sure Andy isn’t the canine version of Banana Nostrils????
Growing up I wanted to be a teacher. Went to college got my degree and my teaching certificate. Subbed for a few years while working in retail accounting to you know actually pay the bills. I found out real quick that getting a full time teaching job, at least back then, was a matter of politics and that I was just not connected enough. Now I work in the video game industry. I am part of the Community Team for an MMORPG. I love my job and never regret giving up teaching. I never thought of doing my job when I was young because the video game industry was in its infancy, there was no such as on-line. Every day is an adventure at work and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Baseball star – check
Astronaut – check
war hero – check
By ‘check’ I mean – yeah, wanted to be all those things.
I mostly pictured myself a scientist and I guess I have been in certain ways, just minus the white lab coat I also pictured.
I wanted to be a race car driver or a musician/rock star. Now I work in accounting for the gov’t but I am also a driver/owner of a race car and even doing it as a hobby is pretty fantastic!
I wanted to be a writer, and sometimes I get paid to be a techncial writer and it sucks and chews and drains the ever-lovin soul right outta me.
I wanted to be an artist, and sometimes I get paid to be a graphic artist and people buy the wallpaper and fabric I’ve designed and sell online. They actually like it enough to pay for it and decorate their homes with it and that makes me feel great. sustenance.
But my bills pile up and I have to seek out the steady paycheck and go back to tech editing or data entry again – which is where I am now. ya do what ya gotta do
We think Jeff Cats & Obama and Metten Trains & Tuna.
Ever since about 12 yrs old wanted to be an Aeospace Engineer. More or less that’s what I do.
I didn’t want to be a drunk, but sometimes things you are good at just fall in your lap.
I wanted to be an Architect. At one point in my career my title was Information Architect so I kinda got close…
I wanted to be a dancer.
A little girl says that now and it has a whole different meaning than it did in 1980. I was talking about tutus and ballet slippers, not pasties and a pole.
I always wanted to be a Confederate soldier. Somehow it never worked out.
For Jason
Your first knock knock joke while filming porn:
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Emerson
Emerson who?
Emerson real nice titties you got there.
I’ve always wanted to be retired and if my boss doesn’t start treating me a little better, I may just decide to fulfill my childhood dream at the age of 40.
Jeff wrote: Cologne, Cats & Obama
Metten wrote: Trains, Tuna, Madonna and Pizza
That was sooooo easy!
I think I should clarify my answer. I..me…myself…I wanted to be a writer when I was growing up. I just re-read my comment and almost dropped a load.
It sounded like I was mocking you.
And I was definitely NOT.
I was making fun of myself. (i’m medicated…have some pity)
Can I remove my foot from my mouth yet?
Speaking of mocking…love the new web site. It’s been added to my daily reads.
I played with computers from 8 or 9. I was writing code from age 10 (ZX80 then ZX81 for my fellow geeks), thought it would be good (and well paid) to work with computers. I worked in tech R&D. It sucked. Now I have very little interest in the things, don’t even know what processors are in my PCs at home, they are just appliances.
Wanted to be a rock and roll star or professional football player.
Now I just want make enough to retire by 60.
Wanted – comedy writer
Received – professional bureaucrat
Verdict – better than dying of dysentery at age six somewhere in rural Malaysia…
…and Tammie – I didn’t read it that way.
Hahahaha…
When I was little I wanted to be a bartender. I even presented on that in first grade. I thought drinks were pretty (well… that hasn’t changed at least) and that people were fun to talk to.
I got a PhD instead. Now I know that people aren’t always fun to talk to… but that drinks are pretty AND taste pretty damn good after a week of committee meetings and grading. lol.
When I was younger, I wanted to be a writer or a DJ or something in the journalism field. I graduated with a BA degree in Advertising Journalism, worked as a graphic designer for a few years, got burned out, became an executive secretary and now, I’m a stay at home mom (which I love!).
I wanted to be an Egyptologist/ Archeologist when I was younger. I then realized that there was no real money involved in it, and the idea of teaching College students, in between digs, wasn’t going to be fun either.
Now, I work in the Software industry.