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Everybody Thinks They Have Problems, But None Are As Big As Mine

December 6, 2017 By Jeff 46 Comments

Several weeks ago I got a haircut from some unknown woman who botched it nine ways to St. Louis. I’m thinking she must have lied to the managers of the place, and told them she’d cut hair before. So, they hired her and, like a scene straight out of a 1980s sitcom, I came strolling through the front door, whistling and smiling and completely oblivious.

I get a very simple procedure: clippers, using the 2 and 4 guards. “Two on the sides and 4 on top?” they always ask. Yes, I prefer not to look like Martin Van Buren, thank you very much.

Anyway, it’s very simple and takes no more than five minutes in the hands of a professional. But this bitch didn’t know what she was doing. And I say bitch, because she was also unfriendly, with a pronounced white trash edge. She did everything out of order, and it was one of my worst cuts in recent memory. She was semi-hostile the whole time, probably to discourage me from challenging her lack of abilities. The whole thing was highly unsatisfactory.

There was a ridge going all the way around my head where she abruptly switched from 2 to 4. Generally, they blend that shit in, but she did no blending. I suspect she didn’t know how. Plus, she cut the sides, then went straight to sideburns and neck, before cutting the top. It’s unorthodox. Sideburns and neck are what happens at the end, not in the middle. I knew that as my hair grew over the next couple of weeks it would be all unbalanced and wonky, like a goddamn rhombus. But I didn’t dare push my luck with this hard woman: she might snatch a straight razor off the counter and open my throat.

But the point of all this isn’t about the bad haircut. It’s about the tip I gave her. I don’t use cash for anything unless I have no choice. And this place does not allow you to write in a tip while paying for a haircut. It’s weird. So, I always have to go to Sheetz beforehand and get $5 out of the money-for-nothing ATM. It comes out as five one-dollar bills. And that’s what I generally tip: $5 on a $12 speed-sheering.

No way was I giving this person five bucks, though. She didn’t deserve anything, and certainly not the max. So, I reluctantly gave her $2. I thought it was low enough to be insulting, but not a complete slap in the face. It felt right.

But then… I had three one-dollar bills in my wallet. I knew I’d never use them. When I say I never use cash, I mean that literally. I never have any, and it never occurs to me. These three singles might hang around for years. Years, I say! I thought about maybe waiting until my next haircut, and just getting $2 out of the ATM. My shit would be going full-rhombus in just a matter of days, and I’d be right back over there begging for an adjustment. But I didn’t like that plan. It’s not like it would save me a trip to the ATM. There was no upside to it. And I just felt uneasy with three loose dollar bills in my wallet.

So, I gave them to Toney. “Please take these,” I begged her. “They’re causing me a low-grade anxiety.” At this point, she doesn’t even question these types of things, and just took the money. My explanation would likely annoy her, and she’d pepper me with a hundred logical ways I could’ve gotten rid of the three dollars, which would’ve annoyed me. So, she just rolls with it.

However… I’ve been back to that place several times since then. And just this weekend I got another bad cut. I’ve never seen that horrible woman there again — I assume she was fired or arrested. But some girl who looks 14 years old, and that’s not an exaggeration, did an awful job on me. She clearly didn’t know what she was doing and kept positioning herself so that her right armpit was basically mashed against my face. It’s not ideal, a full armpit to the face. And the cut is an abomination. She did some rudimentary blending, but something is off. I don’t know. I’m getting pissed. There are some talented hair artists there, but they work on the old ladies who make the appointments, etc. And they use the misfits and societal castoffs for us walk-ins.

But, she got the full $5. No way was I going through all that again. It’s too stressful. So, now I’m in a position where I’m forced to overtip the incompetent, to avoid the issue of problematic residual moneys? Why does everything have to be so difficult?!

You guys are with me on this, right? …Hello?

I have to go now. I’m a little worked up if you want to know the truth. For a Question I was thinking about asking how you’d rid yourself of three one-dollar bills. But I know a few of you will say something like “How about giving it to the needy, asshole, or the center for hand cancer research?” and make me appear petty and uncaring. So, screw it. I’m just going to go to work, and continue scowling there.

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
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Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Limey says

    December 6, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    Nice legwarmers there Nick.

    Reply
  2. Miss Q says

    December 6, 2017 at 2:11 pm

    I’ll tell you what I’d do with $3, anyway. I’d buy a fancy-ass coffee. It’s one of those things I refuse to spend money on, but if I had $3 laying around, that’s how I’d spend it.

    I seldom carry cash either, so three rogue dollars wouldn’t normally end up in my wallet.

    Why did auto-correct try changing “rogue” to “rough”?

    Reply
  3. Greg Wildt says

    December 6, 2017 at 2:14 pm

    Well, the Salvation Army folks are out there. You could always dump it in their pot. I cross the Ohio River on a toll bridge to Belpre. That’s where mine would go.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      December 6, 2017 at 4:17 pm

      I can’t pass by the Salvation Army folks without donating. Ditto to the vets who sell those paper/plastic poppies around Memorial Day. My car had about 8 in it one May!

      Reply
  4. chill says

    December 6, 2017 at 2:15 pm

    I get around the haircut problem by not getting haircuts.

    As for the three bucks, they would probably go towards a bar tab. I normally do use cash for purchases that are non-major and in-person.

    Reply
  5. Bob in Morgantown says

    December 6, 2017 at 2:43 pm

    I was about halfway through reading this when I realized that I had given more thought to your haircut than I’ve given any of mine in the last 30 years. Here’s the way it works: My wife says I need a haircut. I walk in some place, but not anyplace that seems too stylish or fancy. Somebody cuts my hair while making small talk. They tell me how much money they want and I add two bucks. Pay with a credit card and leave.

    Reply
  6. madz1962 says

    December 6, 2017 at 3:30 pm

    Can you find out the name(s) of the better barbers and make a specific appointment with them? Us ladies find a hair stylist we like and latch on like a lymes tick. It’s not always convenient, but you could always call on your way over and ask if Tony or Benny would be available.

    I tip in cash only. I’ve hear horrific stories about wait staff waiting for their tips while someone reconciles the AMEX or VISA bills. Giving them cash right then and there makes me feel better.

    I would have found a home for those $3 in a vending machine. Probably in one fell swoop.

    Reply
  7. Surreal Killer says

    December 6, 2017 at 3:56 pm

    I would spend the three bucks on matches, candles, and buns.

    Reply
    • Surreal Killer says

      December 6, 2017 at 3:56 pm

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ou3k31IxI4

      Reply
  8. Limey says

    December 6, 2017 at 4:05 pm

    Wife cuts my hair with $30 Wahl clippers. It’s not difficult. No problems and it’s cheap.

    Reply
    • Sidney says

      December 6, 2017 at 4:42 pm

      Same here. Last time someone else cut my hair was 10 years
      ago and she made me look like I was wearing a large yarmulke.

      Reply
  9. johnthebasket says

    December 6, 2017 at 4:06 pm

    The carrying (or nor carrying) of cash came up here a half dozen years ago, and a half dozen before that. I’m not complaining about the repetition of topics: I’m noting the changing social attitudes about the carrying of cash: unsurprisingly, half way through the Information Economy, attitudes regarding men carrying cash are in flux, to say nothing about attitudes regarding having a regular hair lady.

    I’ll let the women speak for themselves, but a in 2009, men who didn’t carry cash were considered economic ladyboys, unable to trust themselves with someone as hot as Alex Hamilton, Andy Jackson or US Grant close to their butt or crotchware. These impulse control-challenged men couldn’t stand to carry a hundred bucks in cash for fear they’d be unable to avoid doing business with men with dozens of watches on their arms or uncommonly attractive street prostitutes; they feared not the market of goods and ideas, but their own lack of restraint.

    We laughed at them because, while we had no problems waiting behind an actual lady, fumbling for the wrong card to swipe at the coffee joint or newsstand — women are born with impulse control, so they don’t need to carry cash to re-establish their womanhood daily — waiting behind a man in a similar circumstance caused us to sigh, tap our foot (or feet if more than one), and stick our hands in our left front pocket and move the founding fathers closer to our ballsack to remind us of manhood through the centuries. When it was, at last, out turn, we whipped out a twenty, made the purchase, tipped in a manly way — enough to demonstrate our care for the commonweal, but not so much that it indicated a need to compensate — and walked away like a man who has the sense to hold onto his change, but the whimsy to let way lead onto way.

    But cash no more. Sure, I pay the nice clerk at the supermart checkout with a debit card, but if I couldn’t pay my hair lady (or coffee lady or the young tenor who knocks at my door selling candy made in Korea so the high school choir can bus to Cleveland) I’d feel a tug to alter the gender box on my Social Security card, even if I didn’t act on it. But younger men — and nearly all men at this point are younger men — whip out a plastic card faster than Richard Boone drew his pistol in Paladin. And that badass was quick.

    So, as all men are citizens of Berlin, all men have the right in a free society to avoid the temptations of watch hoarding, prostitution and overspending by not carrying cash. I defend their right to do so. But, sure as shootin’, they are ladyboys in a world where men were once men.

    John

    Reply
    • chill says

      December 6, 2017 at 9:38 pm

      I used to work with a guy who was the quintessential millennial; he never had cash. When I asked him about it, he said just that: cash makes him overspend. What surprised me is that he said it’s because cash feels like “free money” since it doesn’t appear on the credit card bill. It’s the opposite of what this geezer felt as a young ‘un, and still does: plastic feels like “free money” because I’m not counting out twenties. Also, there will be no credit card fraud where there is no credit card.

      Your mileage may vary.

      Reply
  10. revashanes says

    December 6, 2017 at 4:06 pm

    $2 on the lottery and one with the morning drink stop at Sonic, except you really should tip the car hop. Got some change in the ashtray?

    Reply
  11. Jim Britton says

    December 6, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    I have to carry cash. I fear the failure of the Automatic Teller Machine.

    Reply
    • Limey says

      December 6, 2017 at 7:04 pm

      I keep a $100 minimum float in my wallet. Why *wouldn’t* you? Logically, why not? What if the tractor owner who pulls your Hakkapeliitta-less car out of a snow drift doesn’t have a credit card processing machine on him? I’d feel stressed if I didn’t have some actual paper cash on me.

      Reply
      • chill says

        December 6, 2017 at 9:07 pm

        Exactly. The other year my car shit the bed on the way home from work. The tow truck driver wanted $120. Cash, no plastic. Luckily I had that in my pocket. The cash, I mean.

        Reply
  12. johnthebasket says

    December 6, 2017 at 4:16 pm

    By the way:

    https://i.pinimg.com/736x/23/2a/fe/232afe9b51495a01a1d3a2e8bfdf06d2–keith-richards-mick-jagger.jpg

    jtb

    Reply
    • chill says

      December 6, 2017 at 9:11 pm

      It looks like he may have been Keith Richard when that photo was taken.

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        December 7, 2017 at 2:46 am

        Hi Chill. Very close. “Waiting On a Friend” is on the Stones’ 1981 album Tattoo You. Keef re-attached the “s” in the late ’70s, about the time of Some Girls (the first Stones album with Ronnie Wood as a full member). Beast of Burden.

        I just thought it was an interesting contrast to have a photo of actual men who carry cash, or did before they could afford to buy the Vatican, not that I wish to start any rumours.

        John

        Reply
        • madz1962 says

          December 7, 2017 at 1:57 pm

          Filmed on St. Mark’s Place, East Village, NY.

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            December 7, 2017 at 3:52 pm

            Yes ma’am.

            Reply
            • madz1962 says

              December 7, 2017 at 4:54 pm

              (HUGE Stones fan…HUGE!)

              Reply
          • chill says

            December 7, 2017 at 7:26 pm

            St. Mark’s Market (between 2nd and 3rd Ave) is the only place I know to buy Bornier dijon mustard. Can’t even find it online.

            Reply
            • johnthebasket says

              December 8, 2017 at 7:18 am

              Last time I was in the City (it’s been a while) Bornier Dijon was available at Fairway Markets, of which there are (or were) outlets in every borough except Staten Island. Of course, if you’re closer to St. Mark’s that doesn’t matter, as long as they don’t run out. Stock up today and do your wiener a favor. And for God’s sake, pay cash.

              jtb

              Reply
  13. Phil Jeff says

    December 6, 2017 at 4:32 pm

    I’d throw the extra in a gutter before I gave it to some “stylist” who butchered my haircut or a waiter who spilled french onion soup in my lap. (I had a waiter do that, comp’d me nothing and bitched about the tip.)

    I seem to always have cash as my boss makes me keep the change from her morning coffee on the days she makes me bang her in the office. If I run into her in the hall before making it to her office she keeps the change.

    Reply
  14. Paul says

    December 6, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    Go see Ashley on Depot St. In and out 10 minutes, great Clipper Kung Fu. Reasonable rates, 12 bucks, I think.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      December 7, 2017 at 2:05 am

      Um, are we still talking about haircuts?

      jtb

      Reply
  15. Larry says

    December 6, 2017 at 7:43 pm

    Do they not have real barbers in PA? You know, with the barber pole out front. a Playboy magazine for you to “read” while you wait, and a guy who has been cutting men’s hair for 30 years. Better yet, a guy named Vinny or Smitty, or something like that.

    Reply
    • RobinofCG says

      December 7, 2017 at 10:21 pm

      His name is Jake and yrs he’s been cutting hair for 40 years, can’t figure out why Jeff doesn’t go there???

      Reply
  16. Larry says

    December 6, 2017 at 7:44 pm

    https://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=Barbershop+for+Men&find_loc=Scranton,+PA

    Reply
  17. Chris says

    December 6, 2017 at 8:21 pm

    I always have cash in my pocket, not my wallet, left side with the keys and chapstick. Right side has impact drill attachments, earplugs. Back left pocket is wallet; back right pocket is free, during work there’ll be vise grips, usually. Overalls during work, right breast pocket is phone and tiny notebook; left breast is pens, pencils, markers, extension with 5/16 driver, 9/16 bone wrench. Side pocket right side leg has razor.

    When I travel the rules change but the cash is always front left pocket, not in wallet. Someone might get a hand in one or the other but not both, I’m much too paranoid not to notice.

    Reply
  18. David Tissue says

    December 6, 2017 at 9:34 pm

    Here in Tampa we go to a “gentleman” club and get the less undesirable dancer

    Reply
  19. Dave says

    December 6, 2017 at 9:37 pm

    Here in Tampa we go to a “gentleman’s” club and try to upgrade to teeth

    Reply
  20. MC Perfunctory says

    December 6, 2017 at 9:48 pm

    Best use for singles is sliding them into a stripper’s G-String.

    Reply
  21. Mookie325 says

    December 6, 2017 at 10:27 pm

    I pull X amount out of the ATM every payday, and that is how I make all my purchases for the rest of the week. The plastic will only come out if I have a big purchase which is beyond my normal weekly expenses. And every comment above about the millenials (metrosexuals??) aversion to cash is spot-on. I regularly find myself choking back the urge to yell “Oh God, please grow a pair!!!”

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      December 7, 2017 at 2:24 am

      That’s pretty much what I do except for groceries. Sometimes, toward the end of the month, it becomes difficult to solve for X, so I introduce a Y-axis, then a Z-axis. Turns out we’re living in an 11 dimensional universe.

      Also, I looked up that word and I guessed wrong. Turns out it’s not somebody who makes passionate love on the subway.

      jtb

      Reply
  22. Not Oprah says

    December 7, 2017 at 7:28 am

    I had to do a lot of googling with today’s post thanks to Jeff and fellow reporters. Marten Van Buren, rhombus, matches candles & buns & yarmulke will all be worked into my vocabulary today – probably not in one sentence.

    Singles are in the form of coins here so get mixed up with the rest of the change – must be a metric thing that hasn’t quite caught on with the folks down south. I also find this handy for dropping into donation boxes.

    Have a great day everyone!

    Reply
  23. rar says

    December 7, 2017 at 9:10 am

    I was lucky enough to get haircuts in an old style shop from a real barber for many years. The place was a 60s time capsule, …Fitch hair tonic, the 12 recommended styles placard, pictures of long gone baseball players, etc. A few years ago, he retired to Florida. Now I wait until I look like “Cousin It” before I get a cut. I have tried every damn place in the area with little success. Ask for a trim and you’ll usually end up looking like someone waiting to audition for a Three Stooges cast call, i.e., long on top with bald side walls (like the fat kid who runs North Korea), the completely shaved POW look or the bad toupee, comb-over cut. Tipping appears to encourage incompetence…still looking.

    Cash seems to be comfortably between barter and Paypal. It is a must when traveling

    Reply
  24. Darb says

    December 7, 2017 at 12:20 pm

    Seriously, how did you get hired at the record store?

    Reply
  25. Lew in Bama says

    December 7, 2017 at 1:26 pm

    I rarely have cash, and my husband gives me a hard time about it. If I have it, I spend it. He, on the other hand, always has cash. He carries an emergency $100 bill, and then once a week or so will get $60 out of the ATM.

    He also does the walk-in haircuts, and it’s a gamble. He refuses to pay more than $20 for a haircut, and says he can’t make an appointment because he doesn’t know if he’ll be available at the time. Whatever. Its a gamble if it comes out looking decent. We’ve started getting the toddlers haircut at the same time, and to help eliminate the freak-out screaming child issue, we book the same girl every time. She is also doing the hubs hair, so it seems to be getting better.
    I book my hair appointments for every 6 weeks since I color. My hairdresser is very talented, and popular, so I’m usually booking 12-18 weeks in advance.

    By the way, I’ve ordered 90% of Christmas from Amazon, hope you’re getting a little kickback and can enjoy a beer or two.

    Reply
    • chill says

      December 7, 2017 at 7:50 pm

      Does Amazon sell beer? Surely they must, but than again the US is a Puritan country. Who knows. I’ll check, using my WVSR bookmark.

      Just looked. They do have some beer, but the selection seems meager. And of course their hair is on fire regarding shipping. I’ll visit Norm’s in Vienna instead.

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        December 8, 2017 at 1:35 am

        For a while they sold PBR and other fine American lagers, but shipping costs exceeded purchase cost (a pint’s a pound the world around). So they signed a contract with the Hells Angels for bike delivery. It was the same deal the Stones signed at Altamont with similar results. I’m thinking you could even get it cheaper from the other Vienna.

        jtb

        Reply
  26. RobinofCG says

    December 7, 2017 at 10:15 pm

    Just go to Jakes next time and that will solve your problem with inexperienced haircutters.

    Reply
  27. Wellsburg says

    December 8, 2017 at 9:15 am

    We have a local real barber shop. Seven chairs. Three women there cannot cut hair, unless you want scalped down to 1/8″ by electric clippers. About eight different male barbers rotate in and out. A couple of those are butchers, and the best ones are the old Italian guy and two young Hispanic guys. Those are the ones I wait for.

    Regarding cash. Only use plastic for gasoline, hotel, or occasional large purchase like $1,100 I just spent on truck tires the other day. Minimum amount in my pocket is north of $2K, right front pocket in a thick rubber band, prefer Fifties.

    Reply
  28. Adam says

    December 12, 2017 at 4:07 pm

    Always have cash… but never spend it. It’s for emergencies, and monthly haircuts… usually never more than a couple hundred bucks. I put a fantastic amount of spending on plastic for the points and have taken hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of vacations for almost free as a result of it.

    I never use a debit card for purchases because if that card number is compromised then so is my cash in my primary checking account. It’s only for replenishing the emergency cash reserves in my wallet.

    Reply

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