A few months ago we received a check in the mail, for an amount in the low four-digits, from a well-known investment company. There was no real explanation, but the word “pension” appeared on the stub.
What in the knuckle-crackin’ hell?
We deposited it into our savings account, and Toney gave their customer service department a call. The man was very friendly, but insisted their information was correct; I was to receive the same amount every month, for the rest of my life.
“But my husband is 46,” Toney said, “Why’s he receiving pension checks now??”
“I wouldn’t know that, ma’am. Did he have a special arrangement with his former employer?” he answered.
Toney told him something was wrong, and he assured her it’s very difficult to get such a thing approved, it would’ve had to cross six or eight desks. It’s been thoroughly examined, he promised, and we should just enjoy the money.
I didn’t like it, not one tiny bit. Something was askew. And when we received the third monthly check, I called them back myself.
The dude started the same song and dance, but I cut him off and said I wanted it re-confirmed and explained to me, in writing. Why am I receiving pension checks at the age of 46? What triggered it, and more generally: what the crap, man??
He chuckled, like he was dealing with a hysterical school girl, and told me he’d order a review. We should look for a letter detailing their findings, he promised.
And do any of you want to guess what the letter said? That’s correct, we have until the end of January to pay all the money back, because of “an unfortunate error” on their part.
Yes, it’s reassuring to know our retirement funds are in such good hands…
I’m not at all interested in going into the details, I’ve had quite enough of it already, but the past week was a real testicle-masher at work. I didn’t believe it would ever end, but my long weekend is finally here.
And tonight I plan to engage in a prolonged couch wallow/film festival. I have Transsiberian, American Teen, and Play Misty For Me from Netflix, plus about fifteen additional movies saved to the DVR.
So, I’m going to drink Yuenglings from a pint glass, snuggle ‘neath the Scrote-watcher, and check out of this world for a while. Escapism will be the theme of the evening, and I can’t wait. I want to pass through a portal of beer, blankets, and cinema.
And once I’ve reached the other side, I’ll decide whether I want to return.
Buck sent me a link to this video today, and it’s pretty amazing. I love the face the girl makes after saying, “I’ll sweep the floors…!” I keep playing it, and that part kills me.
She has some wonderful friends, doesn’t she? Their laughter can be heard throughout the whole video, and they presumably posted it to the internet. Sorority sisters… ha!
I checked YouTube for a follow-up, and found this hilarious response. It’s all good.
The Smoking Fish has been spotted at two recent sporting events. Check it out. Our logo, man, he watches a lot of ESPN.
Thanks folks! Keep the photos coming. Send them to my main address: jeff(at)thewvsr.com
And since Kelly is wearing one of the new shirts, I’m going to use it as an excuse to link to the order page again. Only a few remain! Time is running out!! When Fad has a sale, Fad has a sale!!!
Speaking of movies, did any of you see Valkyrie? The TV commercials make it look interesting, but the thing completely tanked at the box office.
Is it because Tom Cruise is in it? Has his humorless, scientologist, creepy-ass ways finally ruined his career? Does his involvement automatically stamp a big red VETO across his movies at this point?
I don’t know. I don’t like the guy very well either, he’s always seemed like a smug Chicklet-toothed frat boy asshole to me, but I’m not ready to write him off completely. I want to see Valkyrie, once it hits Netflix.
However… anything featuring Sean Penn is an automatic NO. I can’t stand the guy, on any level. Yeah, I know he’s supposedly a great actor, but I don’t care. If he’s involved, I won’t be seeing it.
There are a few others who are teetering, usually the ones who have the stick of righteousness up their ass. You know, the people who have the same exact opinions as everyone they know, but act like they’re being exceedingly courageous by boring us all with it? But Penn is the only one who absolutely disqualifies a movie for me.
What about you? Are there any actors or actresses who fall into that category for you? Which ones ruin it for you, and cause you to not even consider seeing one of their films?
Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And I won’t be updating on Friday, I’m afraid. I’ll be spending the day working on some behind-the-scenes stuff that should already be done.
So, have a great weekend, my friends. I’ll see you on Monday, if not sooner.
Now playing in the bunker.
A lot of people mentioned Robin Williams. He’s an ass. I saw him doing stand up one time. It was fucking absurd. He acted like he was all hopped up on crack and he made zero sense. He’d jump around and make bizarre comparisons. And several people would laugh. I guess that encouraged him because he kept it up for a full hour. I pretty sure the cruiser was there – he was laughing at Robin and had a shemale in his lap. Fuck you, cruiser.
i refuse to support the following actors:
tom cruise, sean penn, nick cage, jack black, keanu reaves, madonna, sjp, kevin smith (or anything he directs), martin lawrence, eddey murphey (80’s stuff’s ok), hell… anyone from saturday night live…
i just can’t stand them. so deuchey!
oh… and david deuchecoveny..
Nice to see you got my Smoking Fish photos at the Titans game. I’m going to the playoff game against the Ravens Saturday, I’ll see if I can’t use my feminine wiles (otherwise known as big boobs) to at least get a shot closer to an actual player. It’s amazing what a girl can accomplish with a big rack.
Actors/actresses I can’t stand.
Tom Cruise
Renee Zellweger
Will Smith
Brad Pitt
Nicole Kidman
Martin Short
Jack Black
Jennifer Lopez
Jessica Alba
I don’t understand avoiding movies because you don’t like an actor personally. For instance I don’t care for Mel Gibson as a human being but I’ll see his movies. I’ll even see a Woody Allen movie even though he married his step-daughter. (the perv) Same goes for the Scientologists (Cruise, Travolta, etc.)
Alec Baldwin is a good actor. George Clooney is a good actor. Who gives a shit what their politics are?
The list of people I avoid because they are shitty actors on the other hand is too long to list here. But the highlights would be Steven Segal, Jack Black, Tim Allen and Kim Katrall.
Tom Cruise is on The View right now- He’s just creepy
Got to give credit where it is due:
Sean Penn was great in Fast Times but it was mostly downhill from there, all the way to the insufferable “Milk” for which he may win an Oscar (the “play a retard or a gay guy rule is applied every Oscar season without fail – Rain Man, Gump, Philadelphia, etc. etc.).
As for Keanu – perfect in Bill & Ted but since then…does anyone else agree with me that when he plays a really smart guy (e.g. Chain Reaction) the movie sucks ass, but is somewhat redeemable when he’s not the sharpest tack (Speed, Matrix I)?
Jack Black was funny in High Fidelity but has played essentially the same character ever since. School of Rock had so much potential for greatness and they soft-served it to PG-13, a great disappointment.
Clooney and JLo were great together in Out of Sight, for me a rather brilliant Soderbergh film that gets overlooked. There was real chemistry between them in this one and the performances were, for once, understated by both. Exact opposite for almost anything else from JLo, and Clooney blew it in Michael Clayton being way too over the top.
Speaking of over the top, when did Al Pacino go from great (GF2) to annoying (almost everything since except Looking for Richard and Insight)? Scent of a Woman was the low point, even more so because it cheated Denzel out of a much more deserving Oscar for Malcolm X.
Brad Pitt gets a pass for Meet Joe Black in exchange for the really funny performance as a stoner in True Romance. But the same movie (MJB) featured the pouty Claire Floriani in a performance so bad it made Pitt’s quiet pretty boy take look Oscar-worthy. She spent the whole movie on the verge of tears, whether she was happy or sad. Worse than Renee Zellweger and that takes some effort.
That’s my 50 cents worth for today.
Most people have already posted a bunch of mine, but here it goes.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes – The only exception is Cocktails. I did enjoy that one. This man is a few beers short of a 6 pack! I would probably see his new movie, if he wasn’t in it.
John Travolta and whoever his wife is – He’s just WAY too into himself and I totally think both he and Tom are NUTS.
Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie – doesn’t matter what these two are involved in, I’m not watching. Furthermore, I REFUSE to stay at any hotel owned by a HILTON. That bitch has enough money, I REFUSE to give her any of mine!
Jack Black – He annoys me!
Will Ferrell – I just don’t think he’s funny
Adam Sandler – I enjoyed him on SNL, but I can’t stand his movies.
Tim Allen – I enjoyed Home Improvement, but beyond that he’s just not funny.
That’s all I can think of at this point.
Jen
Julia Roberts ruins most movies. For me she is just not pleasing to watch.
Can’t stand Baldwin, Penn, or Cruise.
Notice that Cruise always plays the same character whether he is a pool shark, race car driver, jet pilot, football player, lawyer…..(self-centered, egotistical dickhead who takes 90 minutes of film to figure out the obvious).
Add to these Candace Bergen.
Another great movie to watch is “In Bruges” its a dark comedy that is up for awards that I just find pretty damn funny.
Tom Cruise lost all my respect for him (as little as there was) when he yelled at Matt Lauer or jumped on the couch, I don’t remember what happened first.
As promised here is my Valkyrie review:
For those unaware, the film focuses on a plot to assassinate Hitler following the Normandy invasion, one of about a dozen attempts on his life during his rule.
Surprisingly, Tom Cruise is not the major flaw in this film. While Cruise is cast with a large ensemble of veteran British character actors (Bill Nighy, Eddy Izzard, Kenneth Branagh, etc.) he manages to hold his own and plays the part fairly well.
I also must give kudos to the historical accuracy of the film. It was well researched and little if any creative license was taken with the well documented historical events. All your favorite Germans are there including Hitler, Goring, Himmler and Goebbels: The latter three are especially well played by actors able to match the historical “douche factor” that these three were known for.
Any real flaws in the film must be attributed to the directing, which is often overly dramatic and detracts from the story. It also doesn’t help that the outcome is known by the audience from the beginning.
In the end I give it a low B. Go see it if you enjoy historical adaptations, or reasonably good thrillers. If you are looking for an action movie you’ll want to avoid it.
One more thought on actors:
DiCaprio was good in Gilbert Grape but brilliant in the Basketball Diaries two years later – say what you will about anything else he has done, including the one about the boat, but BD put him on the map as someone to watch -it is a scary good performance. Well worth a rental and hard to believe he was 20 playing a high schooler.
Joe Piscopo. Douchetard.
Damn, that pretty much takes care of all the busy body thespians. Personally, the only actors who are worth their salt are:
Michael C. Hall – Dexter
Jimmy Smits
Ellen Muth – Dead Like Me
Nathan Fillion – Firefly
Daniel Craig – James Bond (New)
Shia LaBeouf – Transformers/Eagle Eye (he sucked in Indian Jones)
There are probably others but these are just a few of the ones I like (ffor now). Opinions change quickly.
Jeff-
The Surf Report Classic almost made me spit up a kidney. I CAN’T get enough Eninen, Sunshine and Mumbles!! I had to wipe away the tears of mirth.
I don’t support any actors that are Scientologists, because I think it’s stupid.
@2tall
Agreed. That was an epic unfolding of events.
Well chosen to drag out of the archives!
@ShinyRod
Dexter is the only TV show I watch. Michael C. Hall just married his sister!
http://pinkisthenewblog.com/home/2009/01/michael-c-hall-jennifer-carpenter-got-hitched/
Rosie Perez.
I’d rather drive dull screws into my ears with the end of a butter knife instead of a screwdriver, so that I lose my place on the screw every 1/4 turn and stab myself in the face and neck.
Robin Williams is a deal breaker for me. For my best bud it’s Kurt Russell.
As far as movie viewing and actors, I have the Scott Glenn Rule: if he’s in it, it’s definitely worth watching. And for us old farts, the same applies to William Holden.
just spotted another one while flipping through the channels… Hugh Grant. How many times can one douchebag regurgitate the same role over and over again?
If God came up to me and said, “You’re gonna die the day after tomorrow. I’ll grant you one wish.” My wish would be that “the cruiser” would die right then so that I could have at least one day of joy in this life. And if he’d let me I’d also request that Hugh Grant die too. Right then.
Maybe I’d sweet talk him by saying that his “making it so that all men eventually die deal” was a great idea. Otherwise we’d still be stuck with Marx and Hitler and Mr. Rogers. Thank you, God, for making it so that all men die. Maybe I’ll be able to enjoy a Christmas or two without the cruiser being around to fuck it all up.
And I’d tell God, “I like the mermaid okay. But I’m glad they’re gone. You see a hot chick and find out she has a fish tail. Where are you supposed to put it? But bring back the unicorns, if you please.”
And he’d say, “Unicorns were never real, asshole. And mermaids are still around.”
Just had to share this with fellow surf reporters:
When the six-year-old son of David Eugene Dodson and Jacqulyn Deana Waltman of Wicomico Church, Virginia, missed the bus to school in the morning, he grabbed the keys to the family’s Ford Taurus and drove himself. Well, almost. The young driver made it surprisingly far, over a bridge and around a few corners, until he crashed the Taurus into an electrical piling…and then proceeded on foot, determined to make it to school.
The child is now in protective custody together with his four-year-old brother while his parents face child endangerment charges. When asked by state troopers how he learned to drive, he freely told the officials that he honed his chops in front of the television, playing video games like Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam. Who said video games were a waste of time?
I can’t stand Leonardo DiCaprio. The only movie I’ll watch with him is “The Quick and the Dead,” which is a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE movie, because in it, his character gets shot and dies crying like a bitch. It is EXTREMELY satisfying.
Just confirmed my subscription to TheWVSR. Check your inbox for this email to REMAIN receiving the bunker dispatches!
I also confirmed my subscription to TheWVSR. Replied with a picture of my penis, artfully made to look like a hotdog.
@Jason
“sexy!”
Stumbled into THE T-shirt on Tuesday (it had possibly been in my box since Friday Jan 2nd) then had my addy confirmed on Friday. Talk about bracketing the week with OK’ness. Isnt mediocrity acceptable?
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!
~what’s the saying?, it’s snowing a metric shit load?
Is it metric shit load, or metric shit on?
regardless, it’s absolutely piling up outside. Actually made into work with no problems. Getting home may be another story……
I can’t stand Jim Carrey…or however you spell his name. Jerk.
JCIII,
I had the fabulous 9/10th of an inch of ice on my windshield this morning. Luckily after work I only have about 300 yards to drive to get home!
oh, and actors that suck it from the ass in…
I have to agree with all of the overly political assholes, although Susan Sarandon is the worst. Tim Robbins irritates the hell out of me but Shawshank Redemption is an excellent film.
Also have to agree with ALL the scientologists, WTF!!!!
please add Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs.
And speaking of Sam Shephard, ya’ll heard he got a DUI? It happened right in front of the apartment complex where I live/manage! Too bad I wasn’t here!
The gig is art. Unfortunatly that’s been construde into meaning entertaining. You like Lenny Bruce or Larry the Cable Guy? They both make me laugh. Lenny on a much different level than Larry. Both are called comedians. Geffory Rush (Quills, et al.) is an actor. Steve Guttenburg files his taxes as an actor. Tax fraud I submit. Coltrane or Kenny G.?
Liberal or conservative, straight or gay doesn’t matter. You folks do have a good list going although ($.02) I liked Penn in “The Falcon and The Snowman”.
Ah crap…my pony’s becoming a high horse. I should go.-dave
i need me a ham hat like that[bunker cam]
Good Gravy Surf Reporters…..
Yes, yes.. a late night/ way early morning submission from one Surf Reporting correspondent who is not only past his bedtime, but most definitely in his own cups.
And that is more than OK
hey…. how ’bout Ben Stillers?
http://tinyurl.com/8ycjxw
I know this is a week late, but I cringe every time I see Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage, and Jack Black.
I gained some respect Tom Cruise after seeing Tropic Thunder