In the little town where we live, there’s exactly one phone company to choose from. They somehow own the entire infrastructure, will not share with other companies, and it’s like 1965 up in this bitch. I’m surprised we’re not required to “rent” a seven pound rotary-dial telephone from them, as well.
I don’t know all the details, and don’t care enough to investigate it, but they’ve also got the phone numbers locked-down. So, if you get sick of their no-competition pricing, and go to Vonage or whatever, you can’t transfer your number. They’ve found a loophole in the federal law, having something to do with “rate area.” Who the hell knows?
Anyway, we finally gave up our number, and switched to Vonage. But I never liked it. I didn’t care for the additional router, it bugged me. And some of the phone calls sounded like a warped record.
Toney wasn’t a fan either, and we considered just dumping our home phone altogether. All four of us have cell phones, and I rarely use the home line. Why pay for a service that’s almost never used? What am I, Bubba Vanderbilt here?
But Toney was talking to the cable company a few days ago, something to do with our bill, and the guy told her they’re offering phone service now. And it goes through the wall jacks, instead of that ugly blinking router boolshit.
And get this… We had cable, DVR, and internet. And now we have cable, DVR, internet, PLUS phone and HBO — for thirty dollars less per month. And that’s not an introductory price, either. That’s the cost.
The phone service and HBO (we weren’t in the market, but they threw it in) are better than free. We got a whole bunch of extra goodies, for less than the original price. And that just doesn’t happen very often.
The local phone company still rules over certain exchanges with an iron fist, and remains arrogant as a sumbitch. But I bet that’s all about to change. Ya know? They’ve fostered so many bad feelings around here, people will be jumping-ship in droves. And I predict that company is about to get real nice, real quick.
And to that I have a quick and concise response: Fuck off. I won’t soon forget the way they treated us when they could get away with it, and I hope the rest of the town sees it the same way. They can jam it, deep and on a slant.
All that stuff you just read? I had to write it twice. I’m unclear what happened, but the Word file where I originally wrote it was lost. Well, I found the file, but it was inexplicably empty.
It’s like I finished most of an update, and shut everything down without saving it. I can’t imagine I’d pull such an idiotic stunt at this late date, but I guess anything’s possible.
Sometimes I worry that I’m kind of stupid.
But, of course, nobody really thinks that, do they? They might begrudgingly admit to not being well-educated, but never straight-up stupid.
Everybody thinks they’re a good driver, too. Ha! That’s a good one. Even people who’ve been involved in accident after accident after accident blame it on bad luck, or other drivers. It’s never — NEVER! — their fault. But I have a reality check for about eighty percent of the people on the road: You suck, and your license should be confiscated at once.
I, on the other hand, am a very good driver. I’m courteous, always know what’s going on around me, and never tailgate. Some days I’m convinced I’m the final one. Pass the beer nuts.
Also, everybody believes they’re funny. We Surf Reporters are genuinely funny, of course, but we’ve all met people with a lousy (or completely nonexistent) sense of humor. And yet, they always believe they’re funny.
Most of them develop an excuse for why people don’t laugh at their “comedy.” Usually it’s some variation of “people just don’t get my warped sense of humor!” Warped? A tragic lack of cleverness might be the actual stumbling block.
Many unfunny people try to compensate with volume, as well. For some incomprehensible reason, they believe a statement that’s completely devoid of wit becomes hilarious when shouted. If you can’t be funny, be loud…
What other human attributes are like the ones above? What are things all people believe about themselves, whether it’s true or not. I was going to include sexual prowess, but I’ve met guys who’ve admitted to being lousy (and Cheetoesque) in the lovemaking category.
Help me out with this one, won’t you? Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you guys next time, whenever that happens to be.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!!
To quote David Byrne, “Everybody SAYS they like music,”
Number 2
It’s about time !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and NUMBER FOUR !!!!!!!!!!!!
no way!
Jeff, since you’re now an HBO subscriber, you can watch all of this season’s “Curb Your Enthusiam”s on OnDemand. This season features a Seinfeld reunion. And as usual, it’s very, very funny.
Don’t be surprised the cable company phone is actually a Vonage solution (my Vonage works through my wall jacks and my wife dislikes the quality as well). I am ready to yank the land line but a friend told me about getting an extra cell phone with your old home number and just leave it at the house. No one will know that you do not have a land line.
I openly admit that I am an airhead. I am not un-intelligent, I am just naturally dingy. Sometimes I like to blame the ADD and say that my brain moves faster than my mouth. Hey, it’s my story, right?
Now playing on Ipod- “Easy Skanking” Bob Marley
Hello!
Right, good morrow Surf Reporters. My name is Shiny Rod and I’m the new minister in charge of religious genocide. Now, if you play straight with me you’ll find me a considerate employer, but cross me and you’ll find that under this playful boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac.
Now playing on the iPod “Tom Sawyer” – Rush
Believe me when I tell you that everybody thinks they can write.
I am very funny. If you don’t agree with me, well then you are probably French or something.
I am also a very good driver in bed. That was very funny.
Good drivers don’t get pulled over for rolling through stop signs, or weaving while removing pickles from their Big Mac…
http://thewvsr.com/index.php/i-shoulda-put-em-on-the-glass/
Just sayin’
since I’ve been taking Topamax (nicknamed “Dope”-amax) for migraines, I feel quite stupid at some things. can’t spell for shit, and sometimes have trouble putting a sentence together. I guess it’s more a case of second-guessing myself or I spend several extra seconds pausing, looking for a word that should’ve been Right There. frustrating.
I know someone who absolutely lacks a sense of humor – I’m related to her, as a matter of fact, which ba-lows my mind. Oh, she laughs over things all the time, but its almost as if she needs to wait for a cue. Someone gave her a ‘funny’ birthday card, and, omg, she quoted that thing to me on the phone for 6 months, and just hooted! I’m not very good at pretending to laugh, but I try with this person – out of respect and whatnot.
oh, and Hello @jim britton!
Or nearly get rear-ended on the highway ’cause you’re chatting on your cell phone and meekly pull into the left lane without checking your rearview mirror, and a pickup truck driven by an angry hillbilly has to jam on the breaks to avoid a collision.
I tried searching the archives for that tale, but couldn’t find it.
ok the Further Evidence link is gonna give me nitemares…i just know it.
Not really on topic, but I hate it when you say something funny and the person you said it to repeats what you said back to you, like some sort of acknowledgement that it was funny.
I also hate when people declare their weirdness or strangeness. “I guess I’m just weird that way”. Other people decide if you are weird, you can’t claim weird, and if you do you are a douche. Like Jeff said, people who declare their attributes that they don’t have as just being misunderstood.
I’m a pretty good judge of funny. I’ll admit, I don’t get everything, but I can usually accept that something is funny even if I don’t agree (a fair amount of british humor in my book). But what I do know is when something is not funny. Strange Wilderness is not funny. The Blair Witch Project is funny.
I have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m trying to get up earlier and therefore have been mainlining coffee. I need some reds from Dr. Spaceman.
Is this Mockable? Ah damn its mockable lite:)
@good@go LMAO somehow the Bard of WSVR is hoisted by his own petard!
I miss rotary dial phones! there was something important about a phone call when you had to be patient enough to spend 5 mins dialing it! I guarantee “Text M for Murder” would be a crappy movie!
I have no problem with the fact I’m dumb as a post! I merely blame my parents for procreating without a licence! with regard to driving however I am the Stig!
Oh, I’d totally take the shit-camera pill. I’d youtube that shit and maybe James Cameron would be inspired by T-Storms wild colon ride.
NP – Sleep – Kimya Dawson
As a benevolent dictator (project team lead) I run a weekly status meeting and do my damndest to make it fun/fast/worthwhile….and to keep it light I use humor…Jeff, I can’t tell you how right you are about the people who think loud is funny..they walk all over the ones with the truly good punchlines…sigh…
And right up there are the ones that take themselves so seriously that they have turned their sense of perspective off (as well as the sense of humor of course)…bigger sigh… nothing’s as sad as someone who thinks they are a stud doing the same job I do better without the god complex…
I, for one, am proud to follow in the footsteps of Homer J. Simpson: “Lord help me, sometimes I’m just not that bright.”
T-Storm – that repeating thing? Repeating thing 1a is the guy who says the same punchline a second or two later to the group but didn’t hear you because he was thinkin’ hard on his own “punchline”
fuck I hate people
present company exempted of course…
My ex has a humor problem. she can be and is funny but she’s unsure.
Like at trivia night she’ll yell out the right answer when prompted, but then yell the funnier answer after she already said the not funny answer.
Example:
What is the most gaseous planet in the solar system?
Her: Jupiter!
Her 2 seconds later: Uranus!
Me: Shakes head.
My biggest problem is that my voice doesn’t carry over loud. I’m incredibly good at the under the breath comment and I really hate repeating myself. But seriously, my voice doesn’t carry. Maybe I’m like a duck. Or it has to do with the trache scar? Who knows.
NP – Camera Obscura – Forest and Sands
Some people think that they dress well, and they strut their shit all over without realizing that people are making fun of them behind their back. The people of WalMart website is an over-the-top example of this “ought not” behavior. Most people who don’t dress like I do fall into this category .
Pagan, you’re right–this post did have a “mockable lite” feel to it. Maybe all that talk of a redheaded stepchild had an unintended result? Or maybe it’s just perception, since I just spent 1/2 hour getting caught up on the .org site.
Finally, I find extremely annoying (and actually quite mockable) the 25-handicap golfer who takes his game very, very seriously–to the point of getting all of the best equipment, and getting genuinely pissed off when his (or her–I’ve seen it in ladies, too) paralysis-by-analysis Charles Barkley swing results in the loss of yet another $7.00 Pro V1 ball in the deep woods (where they spend 10 minutes trying to find it) or, in a far more entertaining way, via a satisfying (to me) splash in the green-side pond.
I’ll stop there. I’m having too much fun.
BBQ experts that aren’t…but think they are grill-anators? nuff said
Like I said in the update, I always know what’s going on around me. And at 3 am, I’m the only car on the road. It’s not bad driving if I didn’t cause anyone any trouble. Who did I inconvenience by sliding those nasty pickles off my Big Mac? Who did I hurt? Nobody, that’s who!
The defense rests, and is going to the beer store. So if you’ll excuse me…
Your honor, I was minding my own business but the pickle just wouldn’t SHUT UP…i HAD TO DEAL WITH IT, I’m sorry but it was a reasonable response and the officer should have taken it into account
Every time you cross the center line a traffic cop gets crabs, Jeff. Just sayin’.
It’s snowing like a mofo out here now. To all the other Surf Reporters in western PA, be careful out there.
….and I’m back.
One individual I try not to associate with on a regular basis thinks of himself as real Ladies man. Also boasting and bragging about how this chick really digs him and that girl is so hot for him, when in fact, the girls he talks about have told me personally that he is totally revolting and an extreme turnoff. They basically mock him with every chance they get.
hey, that may be a great topic for a guest contribution over at http://mockable.org/
I’ve met people who think the louder they talk…the more valid their point in a discussion becomes. I just smile and get quieter, by no means conceding, and rub my Budda belly. (Please don’t picture me with a Budda belly…I’m a 34 waist).
JCIII,
I know that guy in Cincinnati. Only guy I’ve ever known to actually use cheesy pick up lines. He always has a girl with him though but I figure it’s like Boomhauer. You ask 1000 girls out, one might finally say yes. He’s a royal douche.
I think someone has The Stig and Stig Of The Dump confused.
No seriously Limey I actually am the stig (the black one not the white imposter!)
I don’t know. I’m getting ready to watch Texas whoop Alabama’s ass (even though I now live in Alabama and they take their college football way too seriously).
And I’m having preggers make us a host of “football foods”. We’re having sliders, wings, sausage, fries, nachos, beers, sex….
I’ll be back later.
What really ticks me off is when we’re watching a movie with friends and the one repeats EVERY.SINGLE. punch line as if no one just heard it 3 seconds prior. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me.
Or people who think they are truly gifted artist, when in reality, their stuff looks like a 3rd graders doodles.
People pretty much just get on my last damn nerve with spurs on all the time.
OK, I have to ask…WTH is “Cheetoesque”?
Everyone thinks they’re the best worker, and everyone else is a slacker. To quote one of my ex-coworkers who had much more pigmentation in her skin than I, “If everybody do’s like I do’s, they couldn’t do’s it!”
Jeff says “lousy (and Cheetoesque) in the lovemaking category.”….I’m thinking small…cheezy looking…orange…leaves a mess on your fingers…..and apparently has lice…not the most attractive of man-unit descriptions I’ve heard…but I believe thinking metaphorically would be more appropriate in this case
I’ll admit I’m pretty good at what I do, but am also a huge slacker. Also, the busier I am the better I am at it.
I was amazed when 2 jobs ago a coworker and I were assigned to the same drawing (designing aircraft electrical installations) by mistake and saw what I turned in compared to what he turned in. Mine was like a photograph (not to brag, ahem) and his was like a stick figure or toothpastefordinner.
NP – Zoloft – Drive-By Truckers
My parents still live in Little Bumfuck West Virginia and Big Old Comcast came through town last year to hook up the entire town of 2,000 people with high speed cable internet.
They offered 500 channel high def TV including HBO, Stars, Showtime, more I cannot remember, DVR, unlimited phone, and internet for $99.00 per month for the first 2 years. Of course, Dad signs up and is really excited. Installation guy shows up and Dad is not sure where to tell the guy to install the internet cable since they do not have a computer yet and Mom and Dad discuss dining room, bedroom, second bedroom, where, on and on. Guy tells them to make a decision and call back in a few days. Dad forgets to respond for several weeks, then calls them back.
Comcast: Oh, we are real sorry but the installation crew has now moved to East Jabbip for the next installation and that $99.00 offer is now $214.00 per month, plus $80 to get the guy to come back to run your internet cable. My Dad’s head has exploded and he can’t stop bitching about it for like 4 months.
My huge driving pet peeve. I drive a lot of interstate. I am in right lane going speed limit plus 8 or 9. Guy comes up the passing lane one half mile per hour faster than me, gets in the blind spot and stays there for several miles. I slow down 3 or 4 miles per hour to get his ass around me and he continues to match my speed staying right in the blind spot. So, I have made a New Years resolution that anyone that does that to me will result in my turning the wheel to the left very quickly and I will cut his ass off for fucking spite, then I will slam on the brakes, and I drive a huge ass SUV. I hope some cocksucker gets his grill stuck under my rear bumper so I can tow him around.
Jeff, I am beginning to be concerned. The sex theme on your posts have become quite…well…concerning.
Is there something you would like to share with us?
You just described Dane Cook. Only he tries to compensate for being unfunny by saying things loud AND repeating them.
“I hope some cocksucker gets his grill stuck under my rear bumper so I can tow him around.”
I think this wins as the gayest comment of the day.
I’m not smart enough to know what “cheetoesque” means. I have certain mental images, but I may be on the wrong track…
I beg to differ.
You are very well educated, (since I got me the same one you did), I think you are just stupid.
(That’s pay back for you and Bill ganging up on me today, LOL!!)
And if Coach Smith taught you how to drive, I’d like to question your driving abilities.
What bothers me? Men who think just because they are men they know more about college football than I do!!
I’m sorry, but : “They can jam it, deep and on a slant.”
will be the most plagerized quote for weeks to come. Just sayin’…
Cheetoesque is masturbating after eating Cheetos… and not washing your orange fingers first.
I find it grating when people claim to make THE BEST spaghetti sauce (or pancakes or omelet or grilled cheese) EVER. Now, I’m no Julia Child but I’ve never screwed up any of those. Why? Because they aren’t gourmet foods. Any moron can make them. What the hell makes theirs so special that it’s THE best? Anyone who makes such an idiotic claim is immediately written off. Dealbreaker. Watch me roll my eyes for emphasis.