Last night two people called-off at my job, and we’d been left with roughly three days worth of work to complete. So, I had to hoist myself off my desk chair, and lend a hand. And man, that sucked with a powerful urgency.
It was really hot in there, and I was slick like a seal. And my pants, for some reason, kept getting bigger and bigger. Have you ever experienced such a thing? At the beginning of the night they were a normal pair of jeans, but had doubled in size by quitting time.
I had to keep yanking them up every few seconds, or they would’ve gone all the way to the floor. And that’s not a joke. I don’t think the waistband was even touching my body by 1:30 am. And WTF?
A few nights ago I was completely asleep and Toney shoved me hard. “I think somebody’s in the house,” she said, in a concerned and nervous tone.
Andy was in the hallway outside our bedroom, barking and turning backflips, and we could hear two voices that sounded like they were coming from our living room. Holy crap!
Nancy and I agree that it’s unfair to assign traditional gender roles, and I considered telling Toney she’d better go check it out, while I remained behind the safety of the comforter. But my instincts told me I’d better take the lead in this situation.
So I got up and started looking around for the pair of shorts I’d flung into the corner.
“What are you doing?” Toney asked.
“Looking for my shorts.”
“Somebody’s in the house!”
Hey, if I was going to be forced to fight a burglar, and maybe attempt some kind of fat-man tae kwon do, I didn’t want to have to worry about being in my underwear. I have a feeling that might’ve put me off my game. Heh.
But it was just the paperboy, and some girl, delivering the daily news. Their voices were carrying like a son of a bitch. I don’t know why, but I could still hear every word they were saying, when they were all the way at the end of the block.
So I went back upstairs, kicked my shorts off again, and slept for another three hours.
The younger Secret was at a friend’s house a few days ago and jumped (or fell, depending on what you want to believe) into their pool — with his cell phone in his pocket.
The thing was completely fried. It wouldn’t turn on, and when you pushed a button the keyboard got wet. It was loaded up with pool water. Grrr…
I remembered hearing somewhere that if you get a phone wet, you can bring it back to life using rice. Supposedly the stuff will draw the moisture out of anything, if you give it enough time to work its magic.
So I went to the grocery store and bought a bag of white rice, poured it into a bowl, and buried the cell phone in it. I told everyone to leave it alone, and we’d check it on Sunday morning — three full days later.
Yeah, and it didn’t work. When we tried to turn it on, the phone just vibrated and wouldn’t stop. Fan-freaking-tastic. It’s the kind of thing that just makes me so goddamn happy…
But we got his number moved over to my previous phone, and he’s now back up and running, with no extra cost to us. It’s a rare happy ending!
Have you ever ruined a cell phone? If so, tell us about it in the comments. So far I have nothing to report, but I’ve started shoving mine in my back pocket. I know this is a dangerous thing, yet I keep doing it. It’s only a matter of time before I mash my phone to death with my right ham.
Please stay tuned.
And I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there are some new features at the site. We now have recent Twitter tweets in the sidebar, and Top Commentators in the footer. I also paid someone to install and configure an ad management system, that’ll work behind the scenes. And a few other boring but essential things, as well…
In the near future there will be another new feature that I’m extra-excited about. I think you guys will like it, too. At least I hope you will. Ahem.
The commentators thing goes back 30 days, and ranks folks by the number of comments they’ve left at the site during that time. But please don’t game the system, OK? I love comments, but they need to be legit. If it gets out of hand, I’ll have to pull the plug on it.
And since I mentioned Twitter, how about a multi-step Surf Report call-to-action? Please follow me at Twitter. Then follow mockable at Twitter. Then follow me at facebook. Then join the mailing list. Four steps to eternal happiness! Or something.
I just downloaded the new Eels album, from eMusic. I plan to also buy a physical copy of it, from Best Buy (for $9.99). The Eels are one of my favorite “bands,” and I need to have an archival copy on the wall, as well as the convenient download version I’m listening to, right now.
And I wanted to cover a few other things today, but am all out of time here. Good thing they keep making tomorrows…
Please tell us your cell phone horror stories, and I’d also like to know about the last time you called the cops. What happened? Hopefully it wasn’t because a paperboy walked past your house? Use the comment links below.
And I’ll see you guys on Wednesday.
First! Damn it man!
FIRST?!
Second….someday I’ll be first
i dropped my cell phone in a puddle once. no revival.
the last time i called the cops was when the utter shithead that lived in my building was having a party. on a monday night.
I feel you on the pants issue. I’ve been installing a patio in the backyard, and by the end of the day I look like a cross between a fortysomething plumber and a sixteen year old mallrat with my britches sinking with each step.
Boy Wonder, our son, has splashed 2 iPhones. The first was on vacation with his Mother “she told me to jump into the pool”, and the second “was sitting safely on the seat when Brian slammed on the brakes, causing it to splash down into the orange soda”.
The next iPhone will be carved out of soap. If the soap doesn’t change shape, he’ll get a real one.
Dropped the cell in a toilet and I chose not to retrieve it. I had a warrenty and got a new one and left that one on the top of my car. the warrenty replaced it again and all has been well ever since.
See my comment from yesterday for the long story about the last time I called the cops. The short story: some little shits made like Hank Aaron and clobbered mailboxes throughout my neighborhood early Monday morning. And Terminator 2.0 showed up to deal with it. Like his movie counterpart, he failed.
My LG cellphone from 2006 has been beat like a rented mule, but it still works great (knock on wood). Haven’t had the pleasure of dropping it in water yet though.
I’ve never called the cops.
I’ve gone through about 6 cell phones in the past two years. I have a bad habit of jambing the thing between my legs while I’m driving. I forget about it and it hits the ground when I exit the vehicle. So I’ve run over two of them. I dropped one in the toilet (not what you think). I was starting the shower and It slipped out of my hand as I walked by the toilet. Ker-plunk. Ruined.
I want one of the iPhones but I’m not buying one until I’m able to keep a cheapy for at least a year without breaking it. I switched to t-mobile because I discovered that I could get the chip outta my wet or smashed phones, buy a new phone at Target, and keep on going.
Cell Phone: Last summer, went out on a small sailboat on a lake, gust of wind knocked the boat over, and me overboard. Phone got wet, and died.
Cops: Woke up early one morning (about 15 years ago) and saw two teens (a guy and a girl) spray-painting the fence across the street (graffiti’ing it, not giving it a new paint-job). Called 911. Cops busted ’em. I had to show up in court twice, but they copped a deal so didn’t have to testify. But the time spent filling out a report at the police station that morning, and two days missing work ’cause I was subpoenaed to testify, made me reluctant to call 911 again unless I’m witnessing an attempted murder (and then only if the victim is someone I don’t want to see die).
Cell phones: Well the worst was the one that happened to my husband’s PALM work cell phone. He left it in his pants and threw them in the hamper. Needless to say, I washed the phone and even dried it. He found it when he unload the dryer. Somehow it didn’t break the screen (I’m shocked on that!) but it never worked correctly after that.
Cops: The last time was for a fender bender we came across on the highway. We didn’t witness it, but I did call to make sure it was reported.
Until last week I had the same black razr for 3.5 years. The step-secret blew through 4 hand me down phones in 6 months, finally we ran out of relatives to mooch off of, and I bought a 20.00 at&t go-phone from walmart, put his dried-out sim in it, and happily it has worked for almost six months. When that one meets its inevitable fate, the same strategy will be employed.
In the same 3.5 years the other half has gone through 6 razrs in about a year and a half, and has had her current model for about a year and ahalf now, so at least her replacement curve is getting shallower.
Of course, two weeks ago we both “upgraded” to fancy new samsung touchscreen phones, so lets see how long these last…
I drop my cell phone in a bag of rice and it became so dry that my dyson vacuum swept it right up. I lost everything.
Work supplies my cell phone, so I “upgrade” by convenient accident every 18 months or so. My current one is an LG Rumor, which I like a lot, but I’ll bet in a couple of months it will meet it’s untimely end in an elevator shaft.
I deal with the cops all the time: I manage social housing and it comes with the territory. Last call was about a suspected grow-opp. Turned out to be nothing major.
I’m going to have to knock on wood after this comment. I’ve never dropped, broken or lost a cell phone. I did upgrade recently – mainly so I could get one with bluetooth and sync it up with the GPS in my van. I gave my old phone to my oldest Secret and got him a new number. We’ll see how long that lasts.
As we were leaving a football game I dumped out a small lunch box cooler dried it out with the secrect sweat towel and put his hand pads, the other secret’s DS and the cell phone in there. Got home took it all out and the Cell phone was dead (3 day old motorola) took it back to the store they sent it in for warranty replacement (even though I had insurance) 6 weeks later I was informed that the phone had been submerged in water and the factory wouldn’t replace it. The insurance sent me a shitty doppleganger that never worked right.
The moral of the story, don’t let them got from really hot and humid into the really cold, condensation will kill them as easily as jumping in the pool.
I called the cops once when I was driving myself to the ER. I witnessed some hooligan throw a car battery through the window of a gas station and climb in. Wasn’t sure if they caught the guy until about an hour later, I was sitting in one of the rooms in the ER and a bunch of cops shuffled by with this kid that matched the description I had given them. Apparently he had cut himself pretty badly climbing through the glass window to steal a 12 pack of Heineken…heh. Dumb ass.
I dropped my old Razr (Gay-zer) in the toilet. I immediately took out the battery and poured rubbing alcohol in every orifice – trying to flush out the water. Let it dry on the dash of my truck for 3 days in August, popped in the battery and it worked fine.
I think getting out the battery before the water can short anything out is the key….
Links:
Two lovely ladies invent the Mcnuggetini – http://thisrecording.com/2008/04/08/in-which-georgia-gives-you-the-mcnuggetini/
Re-link: Headbanging while making fire (be sure to click the HQ link for higher quality – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=389DkzjHpus
Sorry I’m whoring links here, but where else am I supposed to share this weird shit I come across?
My first “portable phone” was installed in the car, maybe 1989? Think it had 50,000 watts. I had full service in the deepest hollow of Southern W.Va. or the highest mountain of New York.
Second phone was one of those bag type portables, about the size of a shoe box and weighed about 20 pounds. That one was intentionally thrown off of the Fort Pitt Bridge. Told the boss it was stolen from my car.
No incidents after the “mysterious” bag phone disappearance.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
I may be one of the few remaining human beings that does not own a cell phone. Oh yes, I’ve been ostracized by modern society and treated like a pariah, but so be it.
However, the wife and youngest Secret just hooked up on a package deal for two phones. I checked my son’s out, and you know what? I hold steadfast to my decision not to have a cell phone. Too many little buttons and switches and whatnot. Just not for me.
Last time I called the cops was right before Christmas last. Had to file an assault charge. Seems that the youngest son was somewhere he shouldn’t have been, was with a crowd of people he shouldn’t have been with and wound up on the receiving end of a first class, grade A ass whupping.
I’ve had my share of fights, but back then after the dust up, the two participants shook hands and that was that. Times have changed, I guess. The assaulter held down the assaultee and proceeded to turn his face into hamburger.
The wife and I had to take him to the ER on a Sunday morning for CAT scan and X-Rays. Thankfully no broken bones and no brain bleeding.
His amateur record is now a BIG zero and one.
I’ve had several phones die an untimely death as a result of over-consumption. One lost in the pocket of a relatively new ski jacket on High Street in Morgantown after a football game. One intentionally thrown out the window at 3 a.m. One in my pocket while jumping into Summersville Lake fully clothed at 2 a.m. One in my pocket while falling out of a tree into a creek while trying to retrieve firewood.
I’m sure there are more, but I will quit there. Don’t want to embarrass myself or anything. You would think I would see a pattern and quit drinking. Nope, just bought insurance after losing the first one. Hey, as long as it solves the problem.
As for cops, had a creepy crack-head roaming the streets in Morgantown years ago going door to door and saying crazy shit. The neighbor girl got terrified so I … called the cops. Yep, I’m a bad ass.
Last time I called the cops…Uh, I live in the Haight-Ashbury. I’m ALWAYS calling the cops. Someone is pissing in my yard, there’s a drunk sleeping on my porch, etc….
I, like Jason, have gotten into the habit of driving with my phone between my legs, so if the radio is blasting, I can feel the vibration and know the phone is ringing. I always forget it’s there, so I end up running over it or dropping it or having it fall into the sewer. Yep. The sewer. At least that happened in front of the house, so I waited until the husband got home and had HIM fish it out. Yechh.
Heppy Tuesday, Surfers!
Thank you once again for clearing up a mystery that has been pondered over for centuries! why do all old asian people look like dried up prunes? The rice sucked out all the moisture!!!!!
Ist cell phone ruined- Standing on a rock cliff on a mountain in North Carolina, when I sqatted to sit and have a smoke. The phone was uncorfatble in my pocket, so I took it out and sat it on the cliff beside me. A 60 mph wind whipped through the valley next to the cliff and took my phone to it’s painful death 700 feet below. It looked like Wile E. Coyote after a few seconds. I swear I saw a cloud of dust when it hit bottom.
2nd cell ruined- My daughter, then three was outside with me. I was in the pool, she was eating a sandwich at the table by the pool. My phone rang….she said, ‘Daddy, catch!”
3rd cell ruined- Got relentless calls from creditors. One called me nine times in one day. I finally answered and flipped out on him. Then, somehow thinking he might feel the pain in it, I threw my phone against the outside of my garage.
Called the cops this morning, asking when they are going to interview me for a corrections officer job at the jail. Have never had to call them since I moved back to Florida for any criminal activity. Everyone who lives in my neighborhood is close to their final days.
Screw cell phones. If someone wants to find me that bad, they can come and look for me. Otherwise, I have no desire to talk to anyone unless it’s urgent, then I’ll “somehow” find a phone. I don’t know where though, they’re so scarce. I do not feel that my life is important enough to have to stay tethered to the world 24/7. Just my $2.00 (used to be $0.02).
Oh yeah, don’t remember ever calling the cops. They were always being called on me.
I washed my cell phone one time. My son worked for Verizon and he had me open it up and lay it on the heat vent. Left it there overnight and it still works to this day!!! It’s an LG EnV in case it matters….
I’ve never lost or broken a cell phone. I’ve dropped my current one many times, but apparently it’s durable.
About 8 years ago, I had to call the cops because some drunk-ass guy was beating on my apartment door at about 4am on Thanksgiving Day. He was beating on it so hard, I thought he was going to break it down. And he was cussing up a storm. The cops came and arrested him for public intoxication.
Apparently he thought my apartment was someone else’s. Easy mistake for a drunk to make.
@Illinois Surf Fan – Mine’s an EnV too. Wow, I guess those things ARE durable!
Long-time reader, first-time commenter… I’ve only called the cops a few times in my entire life. Oddly though, I’ve had to call them twice in the last two weeks.
Someone broke into my apartment a couple of weeks ago… I wasn’t at home when it happened, and not much was taken. Just my Nintendo Wii plus games, a cheap power drill (?), and also some freshly dry cleaned dress shirts (???). It’ll all be replaced with insurance money, but the stolen Wii annoys the heck out of me… not only did I lose the save points in a few video games, but I also lost my high score of 269 in Wii Bowling. Not sure if I’ll ever achieve that again.
Then I just called 911 again today while driving back to work after lunch… technically it was for fire, not police. There was a small fire in the bushes in front of a house. A guy doing some sort of yard work at the place had pulled a For Sale sign out of the yard and started waving it at the flames… great idea, fanning the flames. Once the fire had completely engulfed one of the bushes, he started hitting the bush with the For Sale sign. Sorry buddy, it’s too late to smother this fire. Originally I wondered if it might be a “controlled burn”, but there was a car parked right next to the bushes. 911 said they’d send someone out right away.
Funny you mention the jeans…I’ve wondered about the same thing for years! My husband leaves the house in regular-fitting jeans every morning. When he gets home from work, they’ve stretched to ridiculous proportions. His belt has to be working overtime to keep the bastards up. This only happens during our ridiculous Texas summers.
I ordered the iphone on friday. Still waiting on it to get here. Have a feeling it will become an obsession. Still desiring the kindle really badly, waiting hoping they will drop the price a tad. Ran over a phone, still worked. Seen several take a swim and keep working just depends on the phone I guess.
Called the cops on our neighbors once a few years back for firing fireworks at our house, they thought no one was home. Thats exactly what they told the cops too when they got there. Oh, we’re sorry we didn’t think anyone was home. Like it freaking matters whether we are home or not when they are shooting roman candles under the shingles! They were the definition of buzz cut hicklets. Lets just say they were always shoes and shirt optional. Thanks god we moved soon after.
The same thing happens with my pants, especially if I’m carrying something. Sunday I brought a large planter inside to escape the frost, and my shorts fell to my ankles. WTF?!
@angrywhiteguy…. Good thing you where not making toast by the poolside.
Last time I called the cops was back in ’92. Before they came up with the reporting center and you called in any collisions for a cop to come out. (some tard decided to make a u-turn while I had claim to the space).
I’ve lost a work phone.
Cellphone.
Last night jumped off a table and hung itself by the charger. Phone works but the charging port is busted so it won’t charge.
On my birthday after pissing off everyone I know I spilled mountain dew in my console in my car and was so drunk I didn’t see my phone in the abyss. It spent the night bathed in the dew.
Cops, friday morning my neighbor called the cops because my girl and I were being white trash and fighting.
I accidentally toasted my phone after a PCP bender.
I learn not to “get attached” to any one phone.
I have ruined several cell phones so far.
Water exposure is the key culprit, though I’ve had one smashed and I’ve dropped a few others.
You don’t want to know how often I call police headquarters….
Twitter? No
Facebook? No
One of my coworkers sons calls 911 every time she brings him to the office. Loads of fun!!!
My mother’s phone gave up the ghost after 2 years spent in her bra while she takes her 4-mile walk each morning. She couldn’t understand why it wasn’t working and took it to the Verizon store, where the employee told her that it showed signs of “moisture”, after which I promptly blurted out, “Oh, it must be your boob sweat that caused the problem.” The boy dropped it like a hot potato. We let it dry out for a few days and it came back to life.
My cell is about to give up the ghost because the battery is so misshapen and bloated that I don’t dare to leave it in my purse anymore. No sense ruining a good purse when the thing finally blows.
eels, eh? Did you catch the Nova doc on him and his dad? Pretty interesting. Apparently, his old man created the ‘many worlds’ theory of quantum mechanics. Basically, every moment where more than one thing can happen, both actually DO happen, only the universe splits in two – one where you drop your cell phone in the pool and one where you don’t. This creates infinite universes. Pretty cool stuff.
Anyway, you might want to look for it. It was called ‘Parellel Lives’ or something.
I called the cops only once —
We had a plumber out to install a new sink in the bathroom. He found a dusty old handgun in the wall.
FULLY LOADED!
He kept asking me if it was my husband’s and was I sure it was not his? He saw the look of terror in my eyes, registered the 25 yrs of dust on it and told me to call the cops and turn it over to them.
Called the cops once after a long night of college partying. The roommates and a few others were sitting in the living and a HUGE white rabbit hopped up the front steps across the front porch and into the living room. It was clearly someones pet, so I called to see if anyone had reported a missing, large white rabbit. The dispatcher starting laughing so hard she had to pass me off to another person. And they laughed and laughed and laughed. We ended up giving the thing to a neighbor kid.
oh, I forgot — called the cops another time from the same college house. There was a huge bat hanging on the wall. House full of girls, we didn’t know what to do but call the cops. Again, much laughter on the other end of the phone. The send what could only have been the rookie on duty. We met him at the front door with a tennis racket, broom and a base ball bat and said “choose your weapon”. He went in the room with all three, we heard a bunch of loud bangs and then he opened the door and asked for a body bag. Our hero…
my son wears carpenter pants and his cellphones have been washed at least a half a dozen times. The early ones would recover but newer ones just get replaced.
I washed a blue tooth earpiece it dried out and worked fine, actually a little clearer than before.
Last time I called the cops was for a car that was abandoned near my home on a trail.
I feel your pain with the cellphone. Our, then 15 year old, and a friend of his were horsing around near the pond in our back yard. There’s a little gravel road that goes along the east edge of the pond with two ginormous culvert pipes running underneath it about 3-4 feet from each other.
They got the brilliant idea of seeing who could jump across them. Sadly no one fell in, I might have enjoyed this story more had they, but my genius son jumped with his cellphone in hand and PLOP! There it went into the pond. He fished it out, but it was already ruined and burning a blistering sore on my good humor..
Apparently newer phones have a tattle tell spot on the circuit board that turns red(I think) when it’s wet beyond salvage. Ours were two tiny squares on the board. The phone shop jockey took one look at those two spots and said,”Yep. That’ll be one new phone for the young man.”
Sigh…
I have droped two cellphones off the back of my boat. Mine was on and it went down about three feet before I could get it. Salt water is BAD for a cell phone. Ypu… I dropped my wifes phone the same way. But I grabbed it at less than a foot. Shut it off quickly. I took it apart and washed it with fresh water and left it on the back of the boat in the hot sun to dry out. She still uses that phone and it was two years ago. So rice is NOT the answer…
I was exactly like Bill from WV when i came to cell phones until, when we lived in NC, I was on a mountain road, going to pick up my son from school when an accident blocked both lanes of highway, with no escape possible. It took two hours to get to the school. My wife (child bride) was hysterical, calling the Sheriff’s Department, local police and hospital, seeing if I was there. The next day, I had a cell phone. The only person I talk to on it is my wife. I see it as a waste of money.
By the way, Bill from WV is the real deal. He isn’t just talking smack. He was quite the hellion as a kid and I figure that continued into his adult years. Also, by the way, he, Jeff and Jeff’s little brother were the funniest kids I knew. I miss all you guys.
Yeah, I expect to die soon, after all, I live in Florida.
Been through many phones and proud to say the one I have now has worn itself out and is going on it’s own natural causes and not my negligence. I didn’t drive over it, lose it or put it through the washing machine which was the fate of many other of my phones.
Last time I called the cops – a few years back I had an old house that I was renovating that had the bathroom window in the shower (could only see from the shoulders up). I didn’t think anything of it because the house was so remote and steamed up when I was in there. One morning in winter the light sensor in my backyard went off while I was showering – I cleared some steam off the window and there was a guy standing there watching me. My heart almost jumped out of my chest – he ran when he saw me look. I called the cops just to report it incase he was causing problems around the neighbourhood. Later on that day 2 young girls were groped while waiting for the bus. I was telling a co-worker about this and he started teasing me – ‘sure get’em all worked up and look what happens’.
@CitizenX: I found a creepy Halloween mask and two bullet casings behind the bathroom vanity in my old [haunted] house back when I lived in Ohio. Maybe the former home owner and your former home owner were bank robbers together. I didn’t call the cops, though.
@Amy: I once did battle with a bat….completely nekkid (I know I posted this story here before). It never occurred to me to call the cops then either. Though I might call the cops on that worm in the Bunker Cam. Holy SHIT, that thing gives me the heebs!
@AngryWhiteGuy – glad to see you back a little more regularly. Is a new Gargoyle Report in the works?