Last night two people called-off at my job, and we’d been left with roughly three days worth of work to complete. So, I had to hoist myself off my desk chair, and lend a hand. And man, that sucked with a powerful urgency.
It was really hot in there, and I was slick like a seal. And my pants, for some reason, kept getting bigger and bigger. Have you ever experienced such a thing? At the beginning of the night they were a normal pair of jeans, but had doubled in size by quitting time.
I had to keep yanking them up every few seconds, or they would’ve gone all the way to the floor. And that’s not a joke. I don’t think the waistband was even touching my body by 1:30 am. And WTF?
A few nights ago I was completely asleep and Toney shoved me hard. “I think somebody’s in the house,” she said, in a concerned and nervous tone.
Andy was in the hallway outside our bedroom, barking and turning backflips, and we could hear two voices that sounded like they were coming from our living room. Holy crap!
Nancy and I agree that it’s unfair to assign traditional gender roles, and I considered telling Toney she’d better go check it out, while I remained behind the safety of the comforter. But my instincts told me I’d better take the lead in this situation.
So I got up and started looking around for the pair of shorts I’d flung into the corner.
“What are you doing?” Toney asked.
“Looking for my shorts.”
“Somebody’s in the house!”
Hey, if I was going to be forced to fight a burglar, and maybe attempt some kind of fat-man tae kwon do, I didn’t want to have to worry about being in my underwear. I have a feeling that might’ve put me off my game. Heh.
But it was just the paperboy, and some girl, delivering the daily news. Their voices were carrying like a son of a bitch. I don’t know why, but I could still hear every word they were saying, when they were all the way at the end of the block.
So I went back upstairs, kicked my shorts off again, and slept for another three hours.
The younger Secret was at a friend’s house a few days ago and jumped (or fell, depending on what you want to believe) into their pool — with his cell phone in his pocket.
The thing was completely fried. It wouldn’t turn on, and when you pushed a button the keyboard got wet. It was loaded up with pool water. Grrr…
I remembered hearing somewhere that if you get a phone wet, you can bring it back to life using rice. Supposedly the stuff will draw the moisture out of anything, if you give it enough time to work its magic.
So I went to the grocery store and bought a bag of white rice, poured it into a bowl, and buried the cell phone in it. I told everyone to leave it alone, and we’d check it on Sunday morning — three full days later.
Yeah, and it didn’t work. When we tried to turn it on, the phone just vibrated and wouldn’t stop. Fan-freaking-tastic. It’s the kind of thing that just makes me so goddamn happy…
But we got his number moved over to my previous phone, and he’s now back up and running, with no extra cost to us. It’s a rare happy ending!
Have you ever ruined a cell phone? If so, tell us about it in the comments. So far I have nothing to report, but I’ve started shoving mine in my back pocket. I know this is a dangerous thing, yet I keep doing it. It’s only a matter of time before I mash my phone to death with my right ham.
Please stay tuned.
And I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there are some new features at the site. We now have recent Twitter tweets in the sidebar, and Top Commentators in the footer. I also paid someone to install and configure an ad management system, that’ll work behind the scenes. And a few other boring but essential things, as well…
In the near future there will be another new feature that I’m extra-excited about. I think you guys will like it, too. At least I hope you will. Ahem.
The commentators thing goes back 30 days, and ranks folks by the number of comments they’ve left at the site during that time. But please don’t game the system, OK? I love comments, but they need to be legit. If it gets out of hand, I’ll have to pull the plug on it.
And since I mentioned Twitter, how about a multi-step Surf Report call-to-action? Please follow me at Twitter. Then follow mockable at Twitter. Then follow me at facebook. Then join the mailing list. Four steps to eternal happiness! Or something.
I just downloaded the new Eels album, from eMusic. I plan to also buy a physical copy of it, from Best Buy (for $9.99). The Eels are one of my favorite “bands,” and I need to have an archival copy on the wall, as well as the convenient download version I’m listening to, right now.
And I wanted to cover a few other things today, but am all out of time here. Good thing they keep making tomorrows…
Please tell us your cell phone horror stories, and I’d also like to know about the last time you called the cops. What happened? Hopefully it wasn’t because a paperboy walked past your house? Use the comment links below.
And I’ll see you guys on Wednesday.
Taiwan On says
@ashton, could not agree more. No Twitter. No Facebook.
@several. Get a cellphone. And one of those new-fangled iceboxes what don’t require no ice. And a color telly-vision.
Last time I called the cops was back in college. Some douche-nut broke into our apartment and found out there was not much to steal. We were college kids! The biggest loss was our stash. Which wasn’t really much of a loss, considering that back then pot cost $40 per OUNCE. I don’t think many kids these days can even picture how much weed that is. Of course, we could not report the loss to the fuzz.
No cell phone incidents to report.
Bill in PA says
My biggest fear is losing my SIM card. I’ve got sooo many numbers stored on that thing. Yes, I’ve backed it up with the phone utility, but I don’t trust it. I’ve handwritten a list of all the numbers, but it’s quickly out of date. Can you clone a
Bill in PA says
Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says
I have never ruined a cell phone. I am attached to the thing, so I take good care of them. I just got an LG Voyager and I love it! Hope I didn’t just jinx myself! If I ruin this phone you will have some ‘spaininng to do, Jeff.
I have drowned not 1, but 2, cordless phones that belonged to my parents. Both involved the pool. But only 1 involved alcohol. I died forever, the other I took apart, dried it in the sun, and was good as new!
I rarely call the cops. But I am a big enough bitch to scare people into doing my bidding!
Gretchen that’s her pet tapeworm she lets it out for some exercise & swallows it right back up again! It beats going on a diet! Talking of diets I knew Elvis was a fat drug addict who died on the can, what i didn’t know until I read that poem was what a dick he was!
i am the last person in world with crappy dialup because here in doddridge county ,wv,the armpit of the world, the phone lines are so old that high speed not available
twitter aint happening on these antique lines
takes about 10 min for this surf report to load as it is
the reason for droopy drawers is sweat makes leather belt streach
happens to me all time
belt looks like i lost 1003 from all the streached end hanging
One was punched over and over again when my GF told me she was fucking other guys. Yeah, I am a douche.
One found it’s way into the toilet. I was putting it in my pocket and unzipping at the same time.
Cops – I call them all the time. One block west we have the homeless. One of them passed out in the gutter on my corner. I thought he was dead. Only the siren of the fire truck woke him up. One block north we have the illegals. They are usually not a problem. One block east we have the gangbangers. Not a problem for the most part. A year ago we had some graffiti, but that is about it. Here is an article about my hood. I live in the stately homes part. Everyone that lives on my block is old.
mountie9wv. We are going to Summersville Lake at the end of this month! I have only ever been to Wheeling and Oglebay. (I’m an Ohio girl) that is the extent of my West Virginia experience. Is there anything special we should check out while we are staying in our lovely cabin? Any good restaraunts to try?
Put my husband’s cell phone on the dash and it went ploop right into a big ole cuppa coffee….DEAD forever.
I never call the cops. They have never been nice or helpful to me. I fear them. I do have a cop friend that is an awesome guy though.
ralph is hardcore. I submit that his (or her?) one comment counts for 5 dsl/cable comments- and that doesn’t even factor in the enthusiasm quotient.
@Bill in PA
My next post I will offer steps on cloning your sim card and backing up your cell phone
@ Gretchen — Epic
All of the follow links Jeff asked us to do?
Great Googly Moogly says
Once after taking an absolutely epic bowel movement I had stood up and turned around to flush the shitter. Somehow my cellphone tumbled from my pocket and into the bowl where it not only submerged itself in the thoroughly tainted toilet water but stuck itself about halfway into a pile of shit. It was not only wet but from toilet water but a large amount of fecal matter had been deposited in all of the keys and had impacted into the little mic holes. Nothing was gonna save that phone. Nothing.
As for cops several years ago I was doing some late work on my laptop when I heard someone entering my front door. Being 2 or 3 am and living alone and expecting no visitors I knew this wasn’t likely to end well. As I dialed 911 I armed myself with a positively evil firearm, jacked a round into the chamber and entered my living room ready to kill whatever was out there. My flashlight caught the face of a strange woman standing in the middle of my living room. I made it very clear that if she didn’t drop what she had in her hand ( turned out to be a cellphone, and keys) and lay down on her floor until the cops got there she’d be dead before she hit the floor. Fortunately she complied. Turns out she was dead drunk and had wandered into my house. Weird part was that her key just so happened to also fit the lock on my front door. Seeing she was drunk, was bawling her eyes out and had pissed herself I didn’t press charges. The officers read her the riot act and explained that she was not only lucky to not being going to jail but exceedingly fortunate to still be alive.
Even with that it probably scared me more than it did her. I was shaking for hours and couldn’t sleep for weeks.
@ Jason (and Jeff) – the documentary about Mark Everett from the Eels is called Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives. Just happened to catch it the other day and was surprised at how interesting it was to a non-geek like me. I’ll admit I’d never heard of Hugh Everett III before last week, but I’m now interested in his theory.
What the heck? According to Jeff’s new list at the bottom of the page, I’m one of the top commentators here? Apparently nowhere near as prolific as Shiny Rod, but….
I guess that would be my cue to STFU. My apologies. I had no idea.
Hi Jeff in Denver. I am off my meds that make me happy and it makes me a little more coherent to use the internet again. However, the lack of meds also makes me a little more depressed and negative, so it’s a two edged sword.
The neighborhood I live in now does not care if I have a gargoyle on my front porch. They are all so old, they probably think its my dog or something, so no update. But he’s still around, basking in the sweltering heat and still smiling.
I see your Nuggs almost made it. However, my Magic did but will have a hard time against Kobe and the refs. Perhaps someone could slip a blonde white woman into Kobe’s hotel room.
One evening when Mr.Man was out of town for work, I heard the dog bark downstairs. I got up and fished around for my robe (as I was sleeping ala-nakee) and before I could get it on, someone started walking up the stairs.
Being concerned only for the safety of my children, I leaped into the hallway holding an antique sword that hangs on the wall in our bedroom and let out a loud “HIIII YAHHHHH!!!!” hoping to intimidate the intruder into fleeing.
As the intruder rounded the corner I saw it was only my husband.
Imagine his surprise at coming home a day early, only to be met by his naked wife, yelling and swinging a sword.
Yes….we still laugh about that one but it’s just one of many things I have done to entertain him over the years. 19 years together and never a dull moment people…
Bill in PA says
@ CitizenX Music to my ringing ears.
I’m with ya on the whole expanding waistline thing. WTF is up wit dat? Bought a pair of shorts at Old Navy for a picnic I was going to attend. By the end of the night I had an F’n piece of rope around my waist, ala Jethro, to keep them from falling to my ankles…..which is always a good look. Threw those mother’s right in the trashola.
Fried my cellphone while it was on my shoulder as I was trying to talk and fill the dog’s water bowl at the same time. Slipped right into the water. >heavy sigh<
Last time I dealt with the “men in blue”…they were called for a little bar scuffle I was a part of. My boyfriends ex-ghoulfriend couldn’t keep her dick-licker shut & followed him into the men’s bathroom….. so a few of us “biker bitches” lumped her up.
Debra: There are not a whole lot of fine dining establishments in Summersville, but the lake is unparalleled, in WV anyway. Dominic’s is an Italian place close to the Courthouse in Summersville and was excellent last time I was there. Cafe Acropolis is also in town and serves Greek/Italian and is also good. Mexican place isn’t too bad either, run of the mill Mexican though.
Fayetteville, which is not too far away, is a little hippie (kind of) community with a few neat places. Pies and Pints has a decent beer selection and serves pretty good gourmet (read: weird ass toppings) pizza. Cathedral Cafe and Sedona Grille are both pretty good to.
If your looking for night life, there are not any “night clubs” but some cool little bars. Mayors in Summersville is a hole in the wall that has excellent hot dogs but you come out smelling like a deep fryer and must shower. The Tractor Bar in Mt. Nebo is always a blast and the Pioneer Inn in Glade Creek is good also.
Sorry about the travel essay but that is where I grew up.
garrett - g1g3m says
@angrywhiteguy – you still have the gargoyle? How about the shit stained page of HOA regulations?
Well, if his last excursion into that territory is any indicator, he’d turn it on on the court. Gotta play well to pay for a 4.1M diamond… Congrats on the Magic beating “The King”. Nuggets SHOULD have wrapped that series up in 6, but as usual, they can only play 24 good minutes a game.
I know what you mean about the meds. The stuff I was on for a while had me happy, but I was spacy, and not me. So, fuck it. I’d rather be who I am, and pissed off 90% of the time than be an empty shell.
Lost a phone at a ghetto Kohls. Was due for a new one anyway – new one takes pictures… I still don’t know how to text… am I the only person on earth that just wants to use it for emergencies that require a phone?
I call the cops a lot. My husband is one. For an actual issue? I recall calling in college when someone behind my dumpy apartment threatened me and my roommates. Lots of ‘friendly’ folks there offered to allow us to suck them off. So kind.
@ Debra: Cafe Cimino in Sutton is where you want to eat, hands down. You can even stay there. Check it out here: http://www.cafeciminocountryinn.com/cafecimino/index.html
@ Debra: Sorry, wrong Lake. This place is at Sutton Lake.
No cell phone. No need for one…honest!
Jill threw Mikes cell into the campfire one night. (He wasn’t looking) She got tired of his daughter calling him every 5 mins. (Me too). He kept looking for it for an hour or so. I found it the next day and it’s amazing what those things look like melted. Told Mike the next day I had found it and he laughed his ass off. Good times!!
Jeff – Your pants are not getting bigger, you are getting smaller. Although fabrics do expand a bit throughout the day a little bit, it’s the water balance in your body which changes due to sweating and peeing In high temps it happens faster. Also, your salt intake will have alot to do with how you hold and release excess water in your body. If you ate for shit the day before (fast food, high calories, etc…) you more than likely were holding ALOT of excess water, and the physical activity, the sweating and the heat all released the water from your body. It’s your body compensating for the excess sodium. The first place excess water goes is to the waistline, (the second to the legs and the 3rd to the hands) so as you lose it, naturally you get thinner!
Actually it was her daughter that kept calling. Do not mess with Jill…!!! Great gal!
J Shifty says
Called the cops on Sunday when a tree right across the street fell over, gently brushed the power lines on this side, and landed blocking traffic in both directions.
It was the quietest hour and a half on this road in quite a while.
New to PA says
phone in the pool. I let it sit for three days and it still wouldn’t work. I threw it in the back of my desk drawer and forgot about it. A month later i clean out my desk and turn it on out of curiosity and it worked perfectly. wasted money on a brand new phone. sucked.
Called the cops two years ago when my cousin fell up the stairs with a glass vase in her hand. idiot damn near cut her thumb off tripping up the stairs.
Jenn H says
We have a wonderful behind the couch table to keep the lamp and cocktails out of my two toddlers reach. Hubby put his phone down on this table but missed and put it in his whiskey. Ruined. But I decided to beat him a few months later. I didn’t check his pants pockets well enough and washed his new phone. Once again ruined.