On Friday evening Toney, the boys, and I were having dinner in an unfamiliar restaurant. And on the menu they had random items listed in quotations, like “spaghetti and meatballs,” “chicken parmigiana,” and a whole section labeled “desserts.”
And this made me uneasy. Not everything was in quotes, you see, just certain selections. So, what the hell?
What I wanted, of course, was all quoted-up and I asked Toney if I should risk it. She thought I was joking, but I wasn’t. I wanted a personal pizza, not a “personal pizza.” I mean, seriously.
But I finally decided the menu was probably prepared by someone whose reading material consists largely of the TV listings, Funyun sacks, and Facebook. Upon further investigation, I noticed it actually said “dessert’s,” which helped confirm my suspicions.
So, I went ahead and ordered the “personal pizza,” and everything was fine. In fact, it was really good. But while I waited for them to bring it out, I was imagining things that were kinda shaped like a personal pizza, but were, in fact, other stuff.
And boy was I relieved when they brought me an actual pizza, and not, say, a baked merkin. An overreaction? Perhaps. But those quotation marks made me nervous, OK?
I have some bad news for you guys… Nancy and the translucents have canceled their visit. We found out on Sunday. Apparently the big honkin’ battery in their Prius shit the bed, and it costs thousands to replace.
That car isn’t very old, but I don’t think you’re supposed to pack it out with five people, a hammerhead dog, a thousand pounds of LEGO, thirty Hupperware (real Tupperware is too expensive) bowls of breathtaking stank grossness, and a sea of rustling body hair that causes drag. And then… criss-cross the continent in the thing, month after month for years on end.
But what do I know about it?
The bottom line: no new Nancy visit, no new Nancy stories. I apologize, while dancing around in celebration.
And speaking of news, I received a little bit about my “book” last week. Yeah, they want me to do some more work on it… I was disappointed at first, but now I’m kinda looking forward to it, if you can believe it.
Just between you and me, I didn’t feel 100% satisfied with the second draft. Of course I understand I’ll never be completely satisfied with it, but there was a nagging concern about two or three specific things. And now I’m being given the, um, opportunity to fix them.
I was hoping they’d say it was ready to be shown to publishers, but I have a feeling I’ll be thanking them in the long run. They’re tough, but I’ll undoubtedly come out of it with a better manuscript.
So… I’m going to be devoting Thursdays and Fridays to the book again, until I finish the revisions in early to mid-September. I’ll try to post an update Sunday through Wednesday during that period, but it might occasionally slip to Monday through Wednesday.
Sorry, but we’re getting very near the end of this thing. By the time this hell weather starts to sputter out, I think I’ll have a completed novel on my hands. And that still excites the pooplets out of me.
I was talking to a guy on Saturday who has the new Droid X phone. Have you seen that thing? It’s huge! He had it in a red case, and it looked like he was holding an Etch-a-Sketch up to his ear.
He allowed me to play around with it for a few seconds, and it’s a complete monster. The screen is gigantic, and it really is like a small laptop you can stick in your pocket.
For a few minutes I was experiencing Droid envy, but I’m happy with my replacement phone. The first one was a lemon, I’m convinced, because the new one is MUCH faster – especially when I’m tapped into wi-fi. I love it. The shit is fantastic.
But do you have the new Droid X? What do you think? Should I have waited a few months? If so, I don’t wanna know… But tell me, anyway.
For the Question of the Day, I’d like to get your stories about the most embarrassing things you’ve witnessed (or experienced) in the workplace.
When we were in Atlanta one of our co-workers was caught “taking matters into his own hand” in the men’s room, and news of the event spread throughout the building within a matter of seconds. The dumb bastard practically had to leave the state.
A few months earlier the same guy drove his car to a nearby sandwich shop, forgot and walked back to the office, then reported his car stolen at the end of the day. Heh. Same dipshit.
And, of course, there have been several women who came out of the rest room with a yard of skirt INSIDE their underwear. How does something like that even happen? I’m laughing just thinking about it.
But what about you? What are the most embarrassing things you’ve ever encountered at work? It could’ve happened to you, or someone else, it doesn’t matter.
Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Shiny Rod says
hot fuzz – Who the “hell” is Stephen King? No apologizes accepted.
Chuck in Belpre – You worked for DOW Corning? I worked for Dow Chemical at the Indy HQ 88-91
Shiny Rod, we used to have a Corning Glass plant here. They made lots of laboratory utensils, beakers, flasks, and stuff like that. That’s probably what Chuck was talking about. Of course, they closed a few years ago, putting lots of folks out of work.
Not Oprah says
My friend was working in a restaurant and got the back of her uniform stuck in her pantyhose. She walked through the entire restaurant like that and it was a coworker that she could not stand who smuggly told her.
WB – maybe the van was confused and going to try to pass the truck – thinking that the truck was signalling him to pass. That’s happened here before as there are large mining trucks which can’t go uphill fast, dangerous practise I’d say.
Nancy in Pittsburgh says
Most embarassing moment at work?
Two stick out in my memory. I worked in cust. svc. for a discount furniture retailer, at their call center, and I brought in a “screaming flying monkey” for a coworker to check out (they’re stuffed monkey slingshots that scream like monkeys when you shoot them, they fly FAR).
I pulled back on it and let it go, and it flew screaming straight out the doorway to our dept into the main hallway, and hit the arm of the owner/CEO who was conducting a tour with a focus group sent to give feedback on customer service. Haha, ironic. Thank goodness he ignored it and just kept walking like nothing happened. Pompous idiot.
2nd thing happened at my current job. We have an internal instant message system, and a coworker/friend was leaving early for the day and I sent her a message that said “Boo, you Ho! Enjoy the rest of your day, loser!”
Only I sent it to my supervisor who has no sense of humor and is one of those “strictly business on company communication systems” type of people. UGH
Nothing? Nodoby has said “shit” about the fur lined PO box?
Jesus “Christ” sometimes I just think you guys are phoning “it” in.
Another Dave says
And for the twelve year olds I said “reach around”
heh heh. heh heh.
Chuck in Belpre says
Yeh it was Corning Glass Works which was sold and became Schott Scientific. Made beakers and testtubes and stuff like that.
@WB, I think that’s a euro thing: “If there were another lane, I would be in it to pass you. “Yes, “quotes” drive me”batshit”.
An unrelated story, but one one I think the “majority” of “surf reporters” might find “amusing”… My co-worker and I were returning to the hotel about 5:30 or 5:45 this evening. In the lobby was the usual clot of people trying to check in. I caught a whiff of something I couldn’t quite place – what is that smell? – when I realized that one of the Teeming Millions had a small dog, which had just produced a fresh coil of cable on the carpet right in front of the hotel reception desk. We got on the elevator and chortled about it. Around the second floor, the elevator stopped and a Maintenance Guy got on. Almost immediately, his radio chirped. He said, “yeah, go ahead” and the voice at the other end said, “hey, can you come down to the lobby? We got a dog took a dump here”.
Brightens up my otherwise-drab day.
I know jtb will like this one…And this “type” of thing happened twice…(in two different years)
It is “job-related”, but not “on the job”. Hmm. Anyway…
One: Years ago, during a break from the San Diego Comic-Con, a bunch of us (artists, writers, etc.) went to a Padres game, and the stadium was fairly empty. So, you know how people move “down”, instead of sitting in their “section”? Okay.
So, we are all sitting around, in one big group, “talent” and fans alike, when these very obnoxious guys start spouting off about an “incident” with one of their favorite artists. “Yeah, that Kim DeMulder is such a bitch! All stuck up and thinking she’s all that…who the hell does she think she is charging that much for a sketch?” and so on…
Until one of us turned around and said, “Kim DeMulder is a GUY”. Turned out they hadn’t met “her” (him) they were just being a*holes.
Two: San Diego Comic Con, and our group goes off to Balboa Park and the San Diego Zoo. I can’t remember in which location this one happened…
A different couple of spouting douchebags talking about how they had a big confrontation with Peter David. And they told him Right To His Face how much he sucks as a writer. They even asked him if he wanted to “take it outside”..calamity ensued, and they even got Mr. David thrown off the premises!
Um. Really? Peter is standing RIGHT THERE. In our group. So, we point him out and say, so…you want to tell him to his “face” again?
I am not sure what these guys are thinking trying to “show off”. In both cases, the guys turned twenty shades of crimson, and beat it in a hurry,
Heh. I said “beat it”.
I’ll use quotations when I want to imply a “tongue and cheek”… or kind of a …”so called”, inference. (Can you imply an inference?..dunno and I don’t want to look up the “proper”).
So..maybe the menu miester was trying to put out a warning about the …so called “spaghetti and meat balls”…and other questionable items on the menu.
Good deal on the third re-write. Nothing wrong with that and I bet you will be thanking them later. You weren’t 100% sue and neither were…”them”.
Oh…just spent another thirty five bucks at the Amazon link. Two CDs and a book. My shelves will be amply stocked should I enter debtors’ prison.
WB raises a legitimate concern about the appropriate and proper use of grammar, punctuation and syntax. I’ve seen some hilarious, cogent comments on this site that contained all three kinds of errors. And Lord knows I make my share of mistakes, especially when I’m typing in a hurry.
I wouldn’t want to discourage anybody from posting a comment for fear of language usage retribution. There are Reporters who don’t write much as part of their jobs, and their comments should be as welcome as anybody else’s.
Jeff makes this site pretty darn inclusive, and I’d hate to be part of a junta that made the site exclusive based on proper usage. I would be pained to miss a Wal-Mart fashion story because a Reporter was worried about the appropriate way to make “dickweed” plural possessive.
For Stephanie, POD from JTB, 07.26.2010
HARMONIUM IN SAN DIEGO
Some year I will join you at Comic-Con
And meet the writers who howl at the moon
And meet the artists who sleep ’til noon
And meet the heroes they feed upon
And sip some tea at the Palaz of Hoon
I think I have told this before…..
I work for a plastic surgeon of extreme talent and oozes professionalism with his patients. On a busy clinic day, I joined him in a breast reduction consultation for a very bashful and embarrassed 16 year old girl…her mother present as well. This poor thing had enormous breasts for her age and was very self conscience.
So the doc goes into his speal about what the surgery involves, recovery, etc… At one point after he examines her, in an attempt to make her feel more confident he spews, “You know, women come into my office and pay to have “ti….”, um, er, breasts like your’s”.
The mother caught the faux pas; the girl was oblivious. I, however, almost peed my pants from holding in the laughter. Kind of like being in church when you know you can’t laught out loud…everything is that much more funny.
This is one of my better bikerchick-ism’s…not just one foot in mouth but the entire leg….
Years ago my girlfriend talked me into attending a house warming/welcome the NEW BABY Girl party for a friend of her’s that I never really warmed up to. During the ride to the party she warned me about not being corner by this girl’s mother-in-law as she is very religious and tries to convert people to whatever religion she is and loves to discuss the Bible.
The party is very uneventful and thankfully I kept my distance and was never cornered.
As we were leaving, the girl’s husband walked us out to the car. He asked me if his mother “got a hold of me”. I said, “no, but you guys were not lying…she must be religious as hell with all the photo buttons of the pope all over her blouse.” He just blinked for a second then said, “That’s not the pope…it’s my new daughter”
Alice in WV says
bikerchick — hahaha!
This just in…
Proven by three days of testing…green chlie beef jerky and beer is a breakfast.
thank you for the interruption….now back to the irregularly scheduled serious comedy.
Dave's not here, man says
@Bikerchick – do you get an employee discount at work? Just sayin’…
Yup…cosmetic surgery is free to us…still have to pay anesthesia and hospital charges though.
@ jtb: POD = Poetry On Demand (?)
What is OB12? Does it have anything to do with tampons? ‘Cause if it does, I’d rather not know…
P.S. Wallace Stevens…nice.
@ bikerchick; That is one heck of an employee “perk”!
Does your boss perform height transplants?
POD = Poem of the day, which today was written in your honor, and in honor of Comic-Con.
I never refer to tampons.
Nice pickup on Wallace Stevens. He’s my favorite. “The Emperor of Ice Cream”, “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird”, “The Palm at the End of the Mind”, “The Man With the Blue Guitar”, many others.
Sometimes it’s Lawrence Ferlinghetti, but usually it’s Mr. Stevens.
Why would you imagine I’d refer to feminine hygiene products in a comment to you?
Doesn’t matter NRA. (No Reply Anticipated)
@ jtb: Sorry…HTR. (Had To Reply)
You signed OB12 under jtb.
OB is a brand of feminine hygiene products.
And, thank you for the POD, then!