I went full-Nostrils today, and stayed home. I was planning to work ten hours, but there’s a limit to everything and I’ve reached it. Over the past month I’ve logged so many hours in that place… just the smell of it makes me sad.
Yesterday I got home at 2:15 am, went to bed at 3:00, and was up at 7:00. Toney and I had a meeting with the accountant at 9:00, ate breakfast at Waffle House, and I left for work at 11:00. And because of so-called construction, the 36 mile trip took 90 minutes to complete. Grrr…
I worked until about 6:00, was a walking “zambie” (as one of my Greensboro co-workers used to say), and kept dozing off while driving home; my head was snapping up and down like I was at an Anthrax concert. We had pizza for dinner, and I was OUT. Toney woke me around 8:00, and I was still in a seated position on the couch. She told me I was snoring, and needed to go to bed. I don’t think she could hear the TV…
And I slept, straight through, until about 6:30 this morning. When I shuffled downstairs Toney told me it would be a good time to do the blood work my doctor ordered. You know, since I’d been “fasting” for so many hours. I wanted coffee, but she was right. This was a perfect time to go to the lab, and let them bleed me.
So, I took a shower and drove over there. The place was empty, except for two women in nursewear. The younger one ripped a hole in one of my veins, and filled two or three vials with blood. I just stared straight ahead, not wanting to see any of it. I’m not overly afraid of needles, but they’re not at the top of my FAVES list, either.
Once that was finished, and she taped a cotton ball to my arm, I was handed a cup with my name on the side.
“Are you able to go to the bathroom now?” she asked. “If not, we have a water cooler across the hall.” I told her I was ready to go, and instantly realized how weird this conversation was becoming. But she seemed pleased with me, and requested that I leave my sample inside a little basket on a shelf inside the bathroom.
There were instructions for men and women in there, and they made me chuckle. You know, because I’m a fifth grader trapped inside a hideous 49 year old body. It said I was supposed to use a “moist towelette” to clean off the “tip” of my penis before “producing” the sample. Heh. Let the record show that I deemed my tip to be suitable for production, without the use of any kind of wiping tool.
The women’s instructions said to use two fingers to “part” the “Vulva.” And vulva was capitalized. These kinds of things make me laugh…
It said I was supposed to capture urine in “mid-stream.” The first and last part should go into the toilet, and the middle section should be inside the cup. Hmmm… So, this would be more like a champagne fountain at a wedding, instead of a beer tap situation? I was supposed to thrust the cup into an in-progress stream, and pull it back? I didn’t really care for it.
Indeed, I was so uneasy with the champagne fountain directive (wouldn’t the cup get covered in pee?) everything was cutting in and out. I started to go, stopped, started up again, etc. So, I was able to “produce” without making a mess.
I put the lid on the cup, and placed it inside the piss basket. And I started concocting a scenario where someone was confused about what they were supposed to do, and left a tightly-compacted turd inside the container. I wanted to ask if it had ever happened, but decided to just let it go.
And now I get to wait, and stress about what horrible things they found swimming around in my “samples.” By Monday I’ll be convinced I have full-body cancer, or somesuch.
Itinerary for the rest of the day: Wait for my enormous jeans to dry, go to KFC for lunch and collect data for a possible new fast food review, buy the new Jack White CD at Target ($9.99), mail some DVDs I owe to half dotcom customers, and do some work on the new book.
And, of course, feel guilty for being a Nostrils-style delicate flower who couldn’t handle one more day of work…
Have a great weekend, my friends.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
Hello there
Buongiorno!
Buongiorno, Principessa.
jtb
I hate doing urine samples, just because of the awkward instructions and the even-worse diagrams. Also, I’m always afraid the person on the other side of the little “cupboard” will open the door the same time I do, and see me standing there with a cup of pee in my hand.
I always wonder why they draw so much blood? is there a hidden black market for all that extra blood – 3 large vials.
When if you can believe half of what you see on TV, they can deduce your DNA, your blood type, nearly everything except your shoe size from a single DROP of blood found at a crime scene.
Are the doctors using old technologies? they shouldn’t need more than a few drops to do most of their tests. Why all the extra blood drawn!
You bitch more about shit than most people do all day.
Anyway if you are a lady you have to double up on the moist towellettes for your labia (ladia?) I took a picture when I took the waste of time drug test earlier in the week. I’ll forward it to you if you’d like.
inner folds, outer folds.
Fuck.
Unrelated, but… anyone else think the guy who secretly taped his autistic son’s teachers looks like Jeff Kay? There are so few photos of the man to go by… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfkscHt96R0&feature=related
omg this is so sad, yes it does look like jeff but i signed the petition, thanks for spreading the word, i posted it on my facebook.
Yes!! The YT thumbnail shows a shot that looks just like one of the photos Jeff shares with the public! Glad I am not the only one who noticed.
My first thoughts (literally) when I saw this on the Internets a week or so ago was “How did JK get involved with this,” but when the dude opened his mouth a distinctly non-JK accent popped out, whew, bullet dodged.
Jeff Kay… He has a clean tip.
You were able to start, stop, start on command? You, my friend, sport one awesome prostate.
You mean startin and stopping isn’t a common ability?
Depends on how full the pouch is. Not if there is a force behind it, like beer (6 or 7 of them).
I hate piss tests.
Especially when I was in the Army.
They claimed that they had to be able to see the entire stream from hole to cup. That always troubled me. But to get back at the perv watching, who also had to “receive” the sample, I would piss all over the outside of the cup so he would have to clean it off.
Did anyone else catch this ironic connection? Worried about the blood and pee work, then summed it up with: Wait for my enormous jeans to dry, go to KFC for lunch . Beautiful!
Hey, did you dodge the finger up the ass yet again? When they did that to Beloved, the doctor exclaimed “Your prostate is beautiful!” Talk about eerie. I don’t want beauty and ass inching in the same thought process.
I’m aware of no evidence linking enormous jeans to bad blood and pee outcomes. And, not to sound like just another asshole stickler, if Jeff writes it that way for comic effect, the irony vanishes like a Republican presidential candidate. I’m just sayin’…
jtb
“because I’m a fifth grader trapped inside a hideous 49 year old body.”
That needs to be added to your greatest quotes list!
Whining about 3 vials? Heh, last month down at UW Med Center I had 17 vials drawn. I do agree though, the waiting for results really gets to a person.
i had back surgery and i had to give 2 pints of my own blood before hand cuz they knew i was gonna lose a lot of blood so at least they had my own to give back to me..
Not to get too technical, but that’s closer to “putting in a rainy day fund” than to “giving”. For my back surgery they let me keep my blood and settled for my wallet. That’s “giving”.
jtb
I used to go to the sperm bank and put some away…just in case I get impotent later in life and want to masturbate later.
Theresa, I hope the back surgery went well. My brother in law has back pain, and it is horrible. How did you like getting those two pints of blood back? I had 3 pints of plasma and what they called a “six pack” of platelets last month. It took nearly 4 hours. Weird thing about plasma is that it isn’t red like I thought it would be.
Worst thing I had done was having some kidney stones blasted. They had to stick a camera up my “front appendage.” Man, when I went pee afterward, I coulda given them a urine sample and blood sample both at the same time!
As they say in Boston.. that’s a wicked pissa.
What happened to me wasn’t one of those “pee in this cup” type dealies, but a 24-hour urine panel. Fine, I do it correctly, and the next day I’m off to the doctor’s. However, unbeknownst to me, I hadn’t put the top on the “jug” tight enough. So I arrive at the reception desk, drop off my sample, and go on my merry way. (Why I didn’t actually SMELL the pee as it was ALL OVER THE DAMN FLOORMAT (on the passenger side), I don’t know.
Anywho, at the appointment, the doctor looked very confused (and somewhat amused) that I only had 2 oz. of urine. I then told her of my “accident”, and I got another jug, another “hat” and got to come back next week.
Another reason I don’t want kids–cleaning up my OWN piss was bad enough, but a baby’s? Oh HELL no!
Will that show up on the carfax?
COTD
The Jack White record is IMO the best new release I’ve heard so far this year.
This reminds me of a VD test taken in my youth. The doctor took a metal shaft Q-tip and shoved it up my penis, then says “I have to swab vigorously”. I think he was a religious type trying to punish me for my sinful ways. At least the test came up negative.
Somehow even if it weren’t for the harsh, impersonal q-tips with impossibly long handles, pee, swab or blood VD tests are vigorous and feel like punishment. (also always negative praise sweet baby Jesus.)
I’ve never noticed instructions for giving a pee sample. I’ll have to pay attention next go around.
About the turd sample…Jeff do yourself a favor and watch the movie “Out Cold”. It is a low brow, stoner retelling of Casablanca with snowboarders. Truly hilarious. I know you are dubious but go against your instincts. If you don’t laugh out loud in the first ten minutes I will mail you $5.
Next time the nurse hands you a cup to fill up ask her if she has any vintage Hustler, Swank or Juggs magazines available…. You will then get detailed verbal directions on how to produce a urine sample.
Thanks to the Further Evidence link I found myself wandering through gobs of videos of penis enhancement surgery. I hope to god nobody checks my history.
You’ll be fine. Your blood work up will show you’ve got border line heebie jeebies. However…your urine will show an elevated level of sea monkeys.
Sure. On the other hand, Huey “Piano” Smith tested positive for the rockin’ pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu, so at that point the heebie jeebies would just be icinig on the cake, if that’s your idea of a good time.
jtb
Re: Further Evidence. I purchased one of those extenders for my finger so I can communicate more clearly in traffic.
jtb
Now THAT was funny!
“Horn broken – watch for finger”
.
Is this guy stealing jeff’s shit.
http://www.maniacworld.com/Fast-Food-Ads-vs-Reality.html
Absolutely! Same shots.
For better or worse, I just emailed the following to the douchebag’s “contact” address:
—
Regarding http://www.maniacworld.com/Fast-Food-Ads-vs-Reality.html, it
seems odd that you assert copyright on someone else’s work. The content
of that page was lifted lock, stock and barrel from
http://thewvsr.com/adsvsreality.htm. Please contact [email protected] to
arrange your payment to the author.
—
So, we shall see.
.
Even stole the copy under the title. I smell a big, fat lawsuit!
Looks like all that place is is a Buzz Feed wannabe. Click on the maniac logo up there and you’ll see he (or is it she) just posts other people’s (is that a word?) stuff without credit or link from whence it came. It’s cool Jeff’s stuff gets around…he should also get the credit. You can comment over there I see. I was going to give ’em a GFY but I think as a reporter from the WVSR I’ll thank them and provide a link. Anyone else wanna do that….”You’re thoughts Hobson”.
That man is a dick and a turkey, and he’s chicken. He’s a turdicken.
Damn, I’m slow, but I finally figured it out. Someone used the Further Evidence on the item in the Bunker Cam.
jtb
Shit. I always use 4 fingers to part my Vulva.
You know… like Spock might do if he had a vagina.