I’ll give you a warning now, this probably isn’t going to be very funny, and probably won’t be very long, either. So, if you’d like to jump-ship now, I certainly won’t hold it against you. In fact, I’d recommend it.
At the risk of sounding like a whiny bitch-boy, I’m in the midst of a low-grade funk. Things aren’t going particularly well, I’m tired, and discouraged. I feel like I need to go to the top of a mountain somewhere, strip off all my clothes (that’s required, right?), sit in the lotus position, and take stock of my life.
OK, maybe I’ll leave my drawers on… I don’t like the thought of ants on my scrotum. But you get the general idea.
I’m terrible with productivity (it seems), and that always makes me feel guilty. I’m not lazy, I work all the time. But I try to do too many things per day, and have trouble focusing on the current task at hand. For this coming weekend I already have a massive to-do list and, based on history, I’ll get half of it done and beat myself up for being so goddamn lame.
The book stresses me out, too, if I can be perfectly frank. It’s selling, but not anywhere near the monthly goal I set for it. There are things a person can do to promote a book, and I try to do them. I’ve devoted a lot of hours to promotion, in fact, and so far I can’t get over the hump. It chugs along, but still hasn’t reached critical mass. It worries me, and eats at my stomach lining.
During the first week of October I’m going to start writing my second book, and hope to sell it to a traditional publisher. But if CROSSROADS ROAD doesn’t have a good track record… it won’t help me; it won’t help me at all. It will appear that I’m unable to move books.
I’ve read that it takes seven months of solid promotion to get over the proverbial hump, and October will be the seventh month. We’ll see what happens.
The crazy part? The book is doing pretty damn well. I frequent several forums for self-published authors, and know that CROSSROADS ROAD is selling better than probably 90% of similar titles. But it’s not doing the numbers I set for it in my head, so it gnaws at me. Day and night.
I feel like I need to get my shit together with productivity, and eventually just let the book go for now. I need to be writing. If I have to self-publish the next one, it’s not so bad. Hell, I’ve been self-publishing since 1985.
And there are other aspects of my life that need examining, which I’d like to tell you about, but probably shouldn’t. There be spies about… It’s nothing to do with my marriage or kids, or anything like that. But, you know, the ratio of work hours to take-home pay. That sort of thing. Man, my ratio is pear-shaped, at best.
Yeah, it’s a struggle right now, and I’m in a funk. Five years ago I was making almost $100k per year, doing this website as a hobby, spending time with Toney and the boys every evening, and life was good. Now things are… different. I’ve tried to turn the writing (which I love) into something more than a hobby, and the results have been mixed. I never see my family, which bothers me a great deal. And I feel like I’m — if you’ll excuse the expression — at a crossroads.
So, maybe I’ll go find an antless hill somewhere, and try to get some clarity on all this crap. Clarity is a problem… I’m all fogged up. Or perhaps I’ll just go out and buy a Corvette and a hair piece, and start cruising the parking lot at the community college? That might work, as well.
I’ll try to write something funny tomorrow. Sorry for this too-much-information whine fiesta. It’s up to me to fix it, anyway. Why am I bothering you guys with this shit?
Have a great day, boys and girls.
Funks are awful things but we all get into them at some point. No real advice for me to give but just know that we’ve all got your back. You have a lot of love and a lot of support.
Ugh. Enough of this hippy-loving crap. I’ll hoist a golden elixir in your honor tonight. (Perhaps you should hoist one as well?) Might not hurt…
For da blues, I recommend either the Go-Gos or Big Mama Thornton. Turned to 9 1/2. If the speaker cones survive, it wasn’t loud enough.
jtb
And I’d like to point out, in the midst of your dispair, that Ants on My Scrotum would be a fine name for a Punk band. Just sayin’…
jtb
TIME! (that stands for Tears in my eyes – from laughing)
John your sense of humor about all things scrotia mirrors mine in so many ways.
I’ve also had another favorite band name –
The Swirling Turds!
Back to Jeff’s funk – seriously I am there with ya brother. the year 2011 is one I will be so happy to file away in the history books never to resurrect. I too made 6 figures (salesman) a few years ago, until my employer realized I was over 50 and decided to cut me loose.
So I definitely understand the feelings you are having.
only advice is can offer (aside from start drinking heavily) is just hang in there. Things WILL get better. I am living proof.
Aas Winston Churchill once wrote – When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
go spend a weekend in a Yurt–that oughta do it….
good update though….
Welp, its like this Jeff, Corvettes are expensive and the maintenance costs are ridiculous if you go with an older one. Probably not as expensive as the divorce the would follow after cruising the community college.
I don’t set goals, because I don’t handle disappointment well. But it hasn’t made my life all that much more pleasant. Maybe try to bask in the completed part of your list rather than beat yourself up over the things you didn’t get done.
Jeff,
Come home to WV and come out to the winery.
It is an awesome place to get the hell away from everything, and it’s only about 45 minutes from your folks place.
I don’t have a yurt out there, but there is a great cabin.
A few years ago, the heft of my life reached critical mass and exploded all over my friends, family and myself. I couldn’t take the pressure of everything going in the shitter at once and pissed off a lot of people, including my wife and kids.
I’m now in a different job, making a lot less money and not giving a shit about all the fancy crap I thought we needed to be a sucessful family. We spend our free time hanging out doing nothing special at no where special and things have never been better.
I’m even getting laid by the wife without begging for it.
I don’t know how this will make you feel better Jeff, but I hope things turn around like they did for me. I just stopped whipping my hand through my hair and let it fall where it may.
I’ve been around long enough to have the chance to f-up everything in my life at least once. Lessons learned?
Priority #1: Family
Priority #2: Family
Priority #3: Family
Then again, everyone reading this is family by some stretch of the imagination.
i completely agree with that list of priorities!!! If you never see your family then no wonder you are in a funk!
Well, Jeff..I guess I must be having a sympathy funk for you. (that reads sort of..weird) I’m about to turn 47 next month and I’ve been feeling a generalized, low-grade panic. I guess it’s the thought of how fast the last 20 years have gone by and how much faster the next 20 will go. I’m getting invitations to weddings ,baby showers, college grads., etc., for kids whose diapers I just changed…or so it seems. WTF!? It’s a bit surreal at times. I’ll second Melissa’s post above..we, your loyal readers, do have your back….you whiny bitch-boy.
Let me know what mountain you choose & I’ll bring the ant repellant and a case of beer…Lager or Black & Tan? ~sigh~
Here, this will cheer you up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR5negCF024
Being in a funk can be devistating if you let it. I know as I have been through it….and sometimes revisit, but I have to make a conscious effort not to let it take over my life. Believe me, my boyfriend let’s me know it too. “Why the fuck are you so miserable? Did you stop taking your pills again?”
So I guess my point is that YOU are the only one that can change what ever is eating at you. (Besides the ants on your gunny sacs). Just make sure you don’t give up on this site because you’ll have worse problems than ants running amuck in your BVD’s.
Love ya, mean it!
dont worry, my life is pretty crappy too, your not the only one. but i look foward to reading your blog everyday so that should cheer you up a little bit! it cheers me up to read it.
even further evidence was depressing but wvsr classic instantly cheered me up, the brogan story is probably my favorite post ever! i remember it from the first time and reading it again was equally awsome!
Maybe you could cheer yourself up by hiring a prostitute, or shooting heroin? Or shooting a heroin-addicted prostitute? You’ll have TONS of material for the next book!
I fear all of us middle-classers are pretty much all fated for the same sad fate. It sucks big uns, don’t it? Twenty or thirty years ago, I never would have imagined that I would be 56 years old and still living basically from paycheck to paycheck. Well, maybe not that bad–I still use Tide and Bounty, but still. It’s okay to be in a funk every now and then because it ain’t easy bobbing just above the median income line–but, just imagine being on the other side–or as John and I just discussed–having to buy the Trend or Purex.
You tell us because we love you and this site is cathartic for you. For the most part we’ll sit and listen and aside from a few low-grade assholes we may bust your balls but mean it in good fun.
As for me, the girl isn’t pregnant (there was a question for over a week) but all is good now. Wouldn’t have been a bad thing but damn if she didn’t go from 0 to crazy in a Okarche minute. Which is fucked up when you start at crazy. Kind of like if you are going the speed of light and turn on your headlights what happens.
I’m gonna go eat a candy bar.
Hey now! I, for one, consider myself “high-grade”.
I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but you might take it wrong. Where’s the “tongue-in-cheek” button on this thing?
And I had to look up Okarche. Who knew?
GFY and tongue in cheek? I might pull a muscle.
I am an outstanding asshole that on occasion busts some balls. It is how I show affection. Hang in there Jeff.
Jeff-
I’ve noticed that the funk seems to coincide with your decision to drink less or *gasp* no beer. You need to fix that, my friend.
Seriously
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUVwR0rw5fk
The only book numbers you should obsess with is meeting your promoting goals. (did I actually say ‘goal’? ACK!) You don’t control the buyer, you can only influence them.
Jeff, as you can see from the previous posts you have a lot of people sending positive vibes your way. I’m a bit younger than you but have a 13 year old daughter, worked in “logistics” and am now making considerably less money than I was a year ago. Reading your posts is one of the highlights of my day and making people smile is a special thing, whether it’s sharing a joke at work,being a platinum selling comedian or running a “blog” like you do. I know you hat the mushy, psycho babble but you are doing great things Jeff, it will just take a while longer for the world at large to figure that out. As for now, just love the hell out of your family, make sure your wife knows that she is the greatest woman in the world and your boys know that you are proud as hell to be their father and things will be ok 🙂
Jeff…
In the 1980s, I was working for my Zen instructor, Mitchell of Bremerton, in a labyrinth of cubicles at an insurance company in a sprawling complex of warehouses, storage facilities and concrete called Federal Way, WA. I told him I had way, way too much shit going on in my life and not even close to enough time to do it. He gave me advice that is entirely counterintuitive and makes less and less sense the more it is pondered:
“Take on one more thing. It will clarify your priorities.”
Remember, this was a time before cell phones, the Web, Viagra, Lindsay Lohan, and grunge music. There was little efficiency to be gained from technology. Reagan was President; what the hell, I gave it a go.
Stuff started falling from the sky like shit from a turkey vulture. People got pissed off at me. Whole projects went under the bus. But, after a while, there was less to do. I saved my sanity at the cost of burning my reliability, but thirty years later, I’m glad to have the sanity, such as it is.
So the Zen instructor was right. Hell, they’re frequently right. Take on one more bigass thing. Maybe move the start date for the next book to tomorrow. Whatever. Nobody can choose but you, which is, of course, the point the Zen instructor was making in the first place. Anything else is just learning to juggle better.
I leave you with The Flitcraft Parable, a story within a story found in Dashiell Hammett’s The Maltese Falcon. I think it’s about people who believe that if they just work a little harder and a little smarter everything will be alright.
best of luck on the journey…
John
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiTYV4QnXxw
I fricking need a phd to read your posts.. maybe that’s why i luv you.. 😉
Aw…go fuck yourself.
Jeff, you’re not in the boat alone. 2011 has really sucked a bag ‘o dicks for me. Turned 50 and got canned during the worst economic times in memory. You just got to figure out what’s really important to you and focus on that. Odds are, it’s not all the fancy stuff. Snuggle with Toney, take the Secrets to the creek and skip some rocks, pack some baloney snadwiches and o to the park to look at some silly ass bird in a tree. Take some time to just BREATHE. Just because things are going to hell doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the ride.
I have found that practicing yoga helps with the stress.
It REALLY helps to mentally yell “RED ROBIN!” just before the instructor has you breathe out “Ohm!”
I laugh every time.
It’s lame, but it works.
I’d yell “Five Guys” before I’d yell “Red Robin”, but yeah.
.
dunno that I’d go that far, chill. Five Guys is pretty good (I introduced my Indiana nephew to it), but all in all Red Robin has a lot more to offer menu-wise, and the quality is good. My one “beef” with Red Robin is that they changed the recipe for their awesome “Macho Nachos” from being topped with taco meat, to being topped with some sorta chili concoction. My wife swears by the BLTA Crouisant (sp?). I go for the burgers and the fish and chips. Oh, and that stack “o” onion rings is a meal in itself!
Five Guys and Red Robin…both stupendous dining…just different.
You tell us because we care Jeff. We wouldn’t come back here week after week to write snarky responses to your posts if we didn’t love ya.
Just keep this in mind…bourbon season is just around the corner!
Thanks for the Brogan rerun; IMO it’s almost a textbook piece in humor writing. It could be used with hardly any changes in the next book.
Brogan. The name is almost classic. Without reading the story, you can picture this dude. His whole life and ‘tude is contained in the name, like the stoner Slater in Linklater’s Dazed and Confused. Even when he worked the $18/hr Volkswagen gig–jesus, that’s around $30 in today’s money, isn’t it?–Brogan was destined to end up sweeping out the Trash House. I hope further adventures lay in store for him later in life.
The thing that makes this story perfect is, Brogan was a real dude, in a real story, unlike Slater. It’s like his name determined his life. Change one syllable, or change the name to Stevens or Jones, and you get an entirely different fate, it seems. If you’re named Brogan, you’ve got a shitload of adventures in store. How many Brogans wear suits and work on Wall Street? Not many, I’d reckon.
Brogan. With this name, you’re gonna be a pirate, or Don Juan, or Rambo-style military hero. And if it’s the 80s, you’re gonna own a van.
Hang in there, Jeff. I find that if I lower my expectations, I don’t get disappointed as much. Besides, how can you set sales goals when you have no control? I mean, it’s not like you’re a salesman or anything, out there hawking the Product.
On beer: it’s chock full of B-vitamins – helps your digestion, and keeps your coat shiny. And plus, it improves one’s mood. Just sayin’.
And in all seriousness, we’re all on your side.
.
I usually switch jobs when this happens: I sit at work worrying about my family and sit at home worried about work.
That sucked.
Now to read the update.
I’m going to threaten all of my friends- buy Jeff’s book or no more friendship.
No more beers from my fridge.
No more watching football in the spacious confines.
No more ridiculous texts that save them from their shiity workdays.
And absolutely no more hand jobs.
Got your back, Jeff!
I quit my job of 12 years in May 2010 because I could no longer work for the owner of the company as he was quite possibly the worst person in the world to work for. The stress was destroying my family life, I couldn’t sleep and I started drinking way too much. Fast forward to now… I can’t find a job. We struggle every month to pay the bills and I find myself wondering everyday if I did the right thing last May and continue to tell myself I did. I still have the stress, but hey… I have nothing but time to sleep and I can’t afford to drink anymore so 2 of my 3 issues fixed themselves!
Jeff, this “funk” shall pass. Things always seem to work out- I don’t know how or why, but they do. Just hang in there!
Tadpolegal, you wouldn’t be a sysadmin, would you? I found out today that our IT Dude of many years is quitting to start his own company. Do you know Redhat? Network security? That kind of stuff?
.
No, I’m not. I know enough about computers to function on a daily basis and that’s about it. I should probably take some computer classes and learn while I’m on this sabbatical but at 42 years old- I don’t know if I can hang with the young pups out there. Old dog here.
42 is not old!!
What’s the difference between a duck?
That would be last Thursday morning’s humidity in Botswana.
Time is nature’s way to keep everything from happening at once.
Enjoy what you do get done and look forward to chipping away at the things yet to be done. A chip leads to a chunk.
And fuck it dude…go bowling! Honest.
masturbating = stress relief
🙂
The classic really was a good post… and 149 comments …none of them using the reply feature… ah back in the good ‘ol days…
I forgot about Tilly’s story about being as crazy as a bag of monkey hair…. (from the comments on the classic)
Jeff- wtf man? don’t be so hard on yourself. Go have a staring contest with Andy. It’ll get you out of your funk.
I agree with Fuzz: This is one of the best reasons to have a dog. Go talk to Andy about all of this.
…and try to keep two things in mind:
1) Things are never as bad as they seem.
2) Life is way too short to allow you to have the time to fuck things up too badly.
Driving home from work last night, I was still thinking about funks and being in one. I checked my iPod and sure enough, I somehow had Give up the Funk (Tear the Roof off the Sucker) by Parliment. That isn’t too surprising since my iPod contains 30 gigs of assorted crap. Anyway, I came to this conclusion:
Listening to “Give up the Funk” made me think of the summer of ’76, when that song was released and played to death on the radio, which made me think of white people with Afros and giant bell bottom jeans, which made me laugh, forcing me to “Give up the Funk” as it were & I felt better.
I submit that that song is a “Funk-lifter”. You might give it a try..
Right on Brothuh! Thanks for lifting my funk today, I’m LMAO at your commentary since I lived thru that bellbottom phase, and I’m white and DID have a bit of a fro then, what with my kinky hair (thank gawd for male pattern baldness in my later years).
Can’t stop laughing at the image Give up the Funk brought back.
Dang I’m glad no one on this blog knows who I really am!
All the way from Illinois to you.
Hey, don’t feel like the stoned stranger, there are a few of us in that boat. Try being 51, single, getting fat and bald and working in a dying profession. Not many people buying fancy home theaters in this economy. Not to mention the washer/dryer is getting ready to take a shit when what I really want is a new Kimber… Hang on and hopefully things will get better in 2012!
Man, those Kimber’s look sweet and I’ll bet they shoot sweeter.
Happiness is a warm gun…
I have had the pleasure of shooting a friends lately and it is a work of art. I am looking at a Custom TLE/RLII. I would take one of anything on their website though…
yup…we all have our “shit.”
A day late, but it appears you may need a Sedaris Family Fuckit Bucket
Jeff, sorry to hear about your funkyness..
I ditto all the good things said above..
I think your book would make a great sitcom.. as long as hollywood doesn’t ruin it.
I still say podcasting is the way to go right now.. Serialize your book! Pure Radio Theater!
i’m full of ideas…just ask me heh
I laughed quite a bit at this update…does that make me a bad person? Haha. The hilarity on the wvsr helps me outta my funks.just throwing that out there. This helps too sometimes, I’m not Buddhist or anything but the guy is funny and relaxing….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H94Dz4Iq2d4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Believe me Jeff, $100,000 today doesn’t go as far as it used to.