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Doing the Thursday Purge

September 4, 2008 By Jeff 101 Comments

One of the irrefutable Surf Report Rules of Thumb is that “nobody cares about the weird dream you had last night.”  I know it, all the way down to my skeleton (which is a long way), but still feel compelled to tell you about the one I had earlier this week…

Toney and I were in London, you see, inside a huge crowd.  It might’ve been at Trafalgar Square, I’m not sure, and people were everywhere. 

Since I don’t like being trapped in a crush of humanity, I was mildly panicked and trying to get away from the chaos.  And when we finally escaped, I realized there was something in my right jacket pocket.  The crap?

Turns out it was a cheap digital camera, that I’d never seen before, with eleven images already saved in the memory.  I showed it to Toney, and she said we should take a look at the pictures.

And every one of them featured a young girl, maybe fourteen or fifteen years old, lying on a bed in various states of undress. 

What in the finger-snappin’ hell??  Was I being set-up?  Would somebody be jumping from the crowd soon, with a tall-hat cop in tow, and pointing at me:  “There he is officer!  That fat fuck in the Brooklyn Dodgers cap!!”

Completely stressed, I asked Toney how we should get rid of the camera.  We finally decided we’d throw it down a sewer, so fingerprints couldn’t be lifted from it.

And for the remainder of the dream (until the real-life Toney woke me up), we were power-walking through the streets of London, frantically looking for a sewer opening, or a storm drain.  And there weren’t any!

When the real Toney shook me awake my heart was racing and I was overcome by paranoia.  Even after I’d hoisted myself off the platform, and was standing up in the small room, I had a strong sense someone had been chasing me – someone who didn’t have my best interests at heart.

And what in the heck does all that mean?? 

I’m having trouble reading, all of a sudden.  There’s never much free time in my life, and even under the best of circumstances it takes far too long for me to finish a book.  But now it’s become completely ridiculous. 

I always see people on TV curled up on a windowsill seat, wearing a giant sweater, with one hand wrapped around a huge coffee mug, serenely reading the pages of some great scholarly work.  But that ain’t me.

For one thing, I don’t wear sweaters; they make me itch and look like my grandmother’s couch come to life.  And I don’t perch my big ass on windowsills, either; believe me, nothing good would come from such an exercise.  No, I’m lucky if I can squeeze-out five pages in bed, before I start going all rubbery and looking like Gomer in a gas leak.

Suddenly, however, I can’t manage even five pages.  I fall asleep after a couple of paragraphs, and nothing holds my interest.  Even though I’m completely opposed to such things, I’ve abandoned several books within fifty pages recently, and am just generally floundering around.

It’s disturbing.  I love to read, but just can’t get a rhythm going anymore. 

I’m thinking about turning it into a challenge, and possibly attacking The Stand, once and for all.  I bought a copy of it, maybe a year ago, and the thing is huge.  Here’s a photo of me with it, after I got it home. 

Perhaps if I turn it into a project, some sort of wager with myself, I can get my shit correct again?  Of course, it’ll likely take me months to read, but if I treat it like a dare of sorts, maybe it’ll make the difference?

Yeah, I’m not sure that’s the correct strategy – it could trigger a perma-lock – but I’m considering it.  Any opinions?

Our dog Andy hates Fritos.  He’ll eat almost literally anything, but lets Fritos fall out the side of his mouth.  He doesn’t like mustard either, or anything that’s come in contact with onions.  Just thought you should know.

I saw this article a few days ago, about the dwindling firefly population.  And that’s sad, I guess, but they’re called lightning bugs.  “Firefly” irritates me, almost as much as “underpants,” and “supper.”

What words bother you like that?  What’s your personal firefly?  Tell us about it, won’t you?

On a semi-related note… it really gets on my nerves when TV weather people use the phrase “cone of uncertainty,” when talking about the projected path of a hurricane.  Is that something they’re supposed to say now?  Was it featured in the weatherman newsletter last month?  FLASH:  cone of uncertainty is the hot new catchphrase this season!  Don’t be left behind, use it today!! 

They can all kiss my ass-meat.  

And what do you think about TVs in the bedroom?  Toney and I share an opinion that bedrooms should be a sanctuary, free from chaos and noise, and have never considered putting a television in ours. 

But the oldest Secret is lobbying for one, since we have an extra in the basement…  We told him it wasn’t going to happen (and it won’t), but Toney and I had a conversation about it recently, and I wonder if our strong opinions on the subject are common?

So what do you say?  Are we alone in this?

And that’s about all the relish I can muster…  I hope everyone remembered to repeatedly flinch today.  I’ll try to start reminding ya’ll on Wednesdays. 

We’re going out to dinner tonight, to either Kildare’s or Texas Roadhouse, to belatedly celebrate our anniversary.  And I predict a few adult beverages will fall; I am officially putting every one of them on notice.  Pass the beer nuts.

Tomorrow is an off-day, but I’ll probably update over the weekend sometime.  So check back, my friends.

And I’ll see ya soon.

Now playing in the bunker.

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Comments

  1. chrispy says

    September 4, 2008 at 9:59 pm

    Personal firefly? Personally I like “firefly” – “lightning bug” is a southern-ism. But it bugs me when people say “green onions” when they mean “scallions”. Or “commode” when they mean “toilet”.

    Reply
  2. Brenda Love says

    September 4, 2008 at 11:48 pm

    Your dream obviously means that you are terrified that someone is going to discover all that porn on your computer.

    Reply
  3. Carla says

    September 4, 2008 at 11:55 pm

    I cannot stand it when people say “Like” and “seriously” and “for real”

    Seriously, like, for real???

    There are tvs in all 3 bedrooms of my house as well as the B.A.T.V. in the livin’ room. (Not family room or den, I hate that) The bedroom tv only gets turned on when theres bad weather, or something “nasty” to watch.

    Also I hate it that my husbands family says devan(sp?) instead of couch.

    I love to read and the hardest book for me to get through was “Imagica” by Clive Barker. It had 87,000 pages and the last 40,000 really started to run together.

    Reply
  4. MamaT says

    September 5, 2008 at 12:14 am

    Love The Stand but maybe save it for winter when you can give it your full attention. I read it when I was in the hospital on bed rest for 3 months with my secret, also gave it to my nephew to read when he went to jail for 3 months..its that kind of book.

    Agree with the craptastic review of the made for tv movie/miniseries of it, the kid from Parker Lewis Cant Lose as Harold?!?! When I first read the book I TOTALLY thought of Dobber from Coach as Tom Cullen, perfect casting in that!

    Reply
  5. Ebenezer says

    September 5, 2008 at 12:17 am

    I want Green Onuns! Not fucking scallions. They do differ.

    Reply
  6. TxTy says

    September 5, 2008 at 12:57 am

    Although we have a TV in our bedroom, it’s hardly ever used. The only time we use it is when we want to check out the Weather Channel before we go to bed. It’s on long enough to catch the next Local On The 8’s and that’s it. So, in answer to your question, ‘No’ to a TV in the bedroom. Besides, any doctor will tell you bedrooms should only be used for two things…sleeping, and something the oldest secret won’t be doing for quite a while…if you’re lucky.

    out, y’all

    Reply
  7. JR says

    September 5, 2008 at 1:42 am

    Husband calls both rugs and carpets ‘rugs’. Drives me crazy. Rugs can be washed, moved and thrown out. Carpets are fastened to the floor.

    We have a TV in bedroom. Husband is the only person I know who would use the ‘timer’ feature on the TV so it would turn off after 30 minutes.

    Reply
  8. Dave in Seattle says

    September 5, 2008 at 1:44 am

    Rugs is carpets, and vice versa
    If you don;t use features like the timer, they take them away

    Reply
  9. WVKay says

    September 5, 2008 at 2:44 am

    No bedroom TV. Don’t need it. With all the sex, reading and sleeping going on, TV is just superfulous. My children never had TV in the bedroom because we were poor. They flocked to the living room on Saturday morning to watch Pee Wee’s Playhouse. They are normal young men now. Really, they are. TV’s influence is overrated.

    Reply
  10. tony tony tony says

    September 5, 2008 at 4:35 am

    I’m a little drunk so forgive me. The first part of the update was like what I’m reading right now. Lost Moon, the Apollo 13 story. There’s a part towards the end where one guy is scared shitless he’ll hit the wrong switch and kill all of them, 5 hours till splashdown after they made it all that way.
    It relates because its a bad dream for him

    Same thread, if you don’t believe we went to the moon, contact me.

    beyond that, come to marietta ohio this weekend for some old town charm and some awesome fireworks.
    T

    Reply
  11. lakrfool says

    September 5, 2008 at 5:36 am

    Although we have a TV in our bedroom, it’s hardly ever used. The only time we use it is when we want to check out the Weather Channel before we go to bed.

    Nerd porn.

    Reply
  12. Dionne says

    September 5, 2008 at 6:58 am

    Can’t stand “sneakers,” especially when Billy Joel is singing about them!

    TV in the bedroom but it’s only on for about an hour a month.

    I’ll be singing(?) Debasser and Gouge Away all day now – choooon! Where’s my air guitar when I need it?

    Reply
  13. Karin says

    September 5, 2008 at 9:15 am

    Words/phrases that irritate me…
    The grocery – its the grocery store
    Mango – its a bell pepper you boob
    Say? – meaning ‘what?’ or ‘excuse me?’

    I kind of like Davenport for couch and Chifferobe too… my grandma used to say them.

    Reply
  14. Yo says

    September 5, 2008 at 9:16 am

    Ginormous. I really hate that word.

    Reply
  15. Cody says

    September 5, 2008 at 9:35 am

    NO TVs in the bedroom. You are right, it is a sanctuary. Train him now!

    Reply
  16. Bossinjo says

    September 5, 2008 at 10:31 am

    Any asswipe know why when I click on old site it does not take me there?

    Reply
  17. KYDave says

    September 5, 2008 at 12:03 pm

    Here’s the logic of the TV in the bedroom.

    My living room has a couch, a piece of furniture designed to be sat upon. When watching TV neither my wife nor my secrets will sit on it, they lay on it. There’s no pillow cases on the couch to protect it from their normal grime, there no sheets on it that get washed regularly.

    My bedroom has a giant king sized bed, whose linens are on a constant cleaning cycle. Also there’s room for 3 out of the four of us to lay on it, unlike the couch.

    So I put a smaller version of the living room’s B.A.T.V. in there and when we all watch T.V. together its in the bedroom.

    My secrets also have computers in each of their rooms (I work in I.T. so I can always drum up an old P.O.S. for them) but they have strict rules about its usage and so far they follow them.

    I always had an old B&W T.V. in my room when I was a kid, nothing like watching re-runs of Gilligan’s Island on a snowy B&W.

    As far as the word thing goes, I’m the guy that makes you guys crazy. I can’t say Massachusets (?sp?) right and it drives my coworker nuts. I use the word “salve” to refer to everything from mayonaise to neosporin. I say soda instead of “Coke” like the rest of my southern brethren, I tried “soda pop” for a while but that drove everybody crazy so I backed it down to soda.

    What really drives me nuts is the “Thesaurus” attitude that every word can be replaced by another when in reality most words have a unique definition and really aren’t interchangable, which I guess is really the root of this whole conversation.

    A buggy is a small four wheeled device for carting babies around in during the Roosevlet era not a shopping cart at Wal-Mart.

    Rugs are sometimes made from carpet that has been surged, never is a carpet a rug.

    I could also go on for hours about text messaging and how its going to ruin grammar for an entire generation, but I won’t

    Reply
  18. Vegii says

    September 5, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    Got a 52″ HD TV in the bedroom. Kind of the ying to your yang…

    Reply
  19. Eugene B. Sims says

    September 5, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    I personally hate “pocket book” used instead of handbag or purse. Don’t know why. Just sounds silly.

    As for the Great TV Debate… Kids living at home, it’s cool. It’s kinda like their living room where they can entertain friends. But when you’re grown up… Keep it out of the bedroom. It is indeed a sanctuary.

    Reply
  20. Mrs. Wally says

    September 5, 2008 at 12:43 pm

    I also hate firefly, underpants, panties, and supper. I have to add the word fondle. It is so desriptive and dirty. The phrase “next year is our year” in reference to the Chicago Cubs makes me homicidal.

    We used to have a TV in our bedroom but Wally and I’s internal clocks are so off that we would keep each other awake. It is gone now and we are both happier!

    Reply
  21. strangeart1 says

    September 5, 2008 at 1:14 pm

    NEVER a TV in the bedroom, ask the EX-husband who had to have it running all night, it could ruin a marriage.

    Hate “fixin’ “, as in I’m fixin’ to go the store….

    Sorry southerners…

    Reply
  22. Kevindust says

    September 5, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    I love the word panties, it’s impossible to say without smiling! Then again, I have a fetish for sexy woman’s underwear (viewing and removing, not wearing)

    Our local dialect:
    firefly, not lightning bug
    (shopping) cart, not buggy
    grocery store, not food store or grocery
    green onions, wtf is a scallion?
    supper or dinner

    Hey, Mark from the Heartland…does this mean it’s time to light one up?

    Reply
  23. CADude says

    September 5, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    The bedroom’s a “sanctuary” where there shall be no TV? TF?
    IMHO the bedroom’s one of a number of rooms in the house that are to be lived in. If/when you want it to have a “sanctuary” feel, turn off the TV and light some candles. If you want to catch the news while getting dressed in the A.M., turn on the TV. If you want to watch TV while lying down and falling asleep–or while enjoyin’ the company of your spouse or SO–do so. That ‘splains my 32″ HDTV in the BR.
    I hate it when someone starts a sentence with “To tell you the truth…” I want to ask, “So all the other stuff you’ve been saying is bullshit, and only now are you going to be straight with me?”
    OK, I’ll hop down from the soapbox now. BTW, has anyone ever seen a soapbox?

    Reply
  24. Kevindust says

    September 5, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    What bugs me?

    Ski-doo and Sea-doo.
    It’s impossible to go Ski-dooing or Sea-dooing when you drive a Polaris/Yamaha/Artic Cat/Kawasaki snowmobile or personal watercraft.

    However I use a Kleenex to blow my nose, not a facial tissue. Go figure?

    Reply
  25. Brandy says

    September 5, 2008 at 3:13 pm

    I clean my ears with a Q-Tip, not a cotton swab.
    I wear tennis shoes even though i’ve never played tennis.
    I cringe when someone calls my jeans “dungarees”.

    Reply
  26. Billy Bob says

    September 5, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    Dont ever use the word “super”. Makes me want to drop kick anyone who even thinks thats normal to use. Very creepy on the bunker shot. It screams, he’s dead and I did it. Holy shite….

    Reply
  27. Brooke says

    September 5, 2008 at 3:35 pm

    My Mom calls her purse a pocketbook, and that goes up my ass sideways.

    Reply
  28. Uncle Buzz in Wheeling says

    September 5, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    Hmm, when you eat around noon, that’s *lunch*. Right?

    When you eat around 6 PM, that’s supper. Right?

    So when’s dinner, anyways?

    (I always thought a scallion was a neutered horse. No?)

    Go Steelers!!!

    “Comfort the troubled; trouble the comfortable.”
    G. K. Chesterton

    Meditation: it’s not what you think

    Reply
  29. Debra says

    September 5, 2008 at 4:57 pm

    Who’s the genius that came up with “walkie talkie”
    or how about “ping pong” ?……….. silly words.

    Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway? (George Carlin R.I.P.)

    Reply
  30. WVULauren says

    September 5, 2008 at 9:19 pm

    I HATE the words “hubby”, “kudos”, “kiddoes” and “folks”. All of them make me violent when I hear them.

    Reply
  31. renn says

    September 6, 2008 at 8:11 am

    When I first got married, I had an entire list of words that my husband was not allowed to use.

    Fast forward 13 years (!): I’m a mum and work in construction. The list is(mostly) gone.

    I am now pretty much cleaning up puke with one hand and making dinner with the other.

    Reply
  32. Amy says

    September 6, 2008 at 10:01 am

    Okay. I think the same as you do that the bedroom is a sanctuary. NO TV in my bedroom.

    Reply
  33. Bill in PA says

    September 6, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    The term “sweet” makes me want to puke.
    “Ohhhh, that’s sweet!” or “Sweeeet!”
    Go fuck yourself.
    Not to be critical.

    Reply
  34. Bill in PA says

    September 6, 2008 at 2:09 pm

    The term “sweet” makes me want to puke.
    “Ohhhh, that’s sweet!” or “Sweeeet!”

    stfu

    Reply
  35. Kelly from Iowa says

    September 6, 2008 at 3:03 pm

    “Actually” is the most over-used word lately. People use it so randomly in sentences. It seems to be mostly 20-somethings I’ve noticed doing it, from the local news to sales people in stores. It grinds my gears. “I can actually show you this model….” Really? Can you really? That’s amazing!

    We say “lightning bugs” around here, which there were a ton of this year. I say “Thunderwear”, because I come from a gassy family.
    Also, it drives me nuts when my dh says, “I’m going to go cut the grass”. Gaaaahh!!! It’s MOW THE LAWN!
    Just my 2¢.

    Reply
  36. Angie says

    September 6, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    I love TV. We have a 52″ flat screen on the LR wall, a flat screen in kitchen, one in each of 4 bedrooms. We are TV-holics.

    Reply
  37. CincySusan says

    September 7, 2008 at 4:33 pm

    Lovely and Dreamy are words that can be removed from the dictionary as far as I’m concerned.

    Working weekends provides me with plenty of reading time. Working my way through the Bentley Little books. Thanks Jeff!!

    Reply
  38. CincySusan says

    September 7, 2008 at 4:34 pm

    Oh yeah….and definitely TV in the bedroom. Guess that comes from being single and living alone.

    Reply
  39. Brooke says

    September 7, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    “Tomorrow is an off-day, but I’ll probably update over the weekend sometime. So check back, my friends.”

    …Sunday night, 8:13pm, clock’s tickin’, Mr. Kay…tap tap tap

    Reply
  40. Shank says

    September 7, 2008 at 9:51 pm

    The word that gets me, and EVERYONE says it, is “hot water heater” (well not a word) When I hear that I say “if the water is hot, why do you need to heat it?” And up here in NY it’s lighting bug.

    Reply
  41. Loober says

    September 8, 2008 at 7:00 am

    Jeff, I hear ya’ on the reading thing.

    I have been a narcoleptic reader for the past 10 years.

    I’m sure you didn’t update because you were proofreading it and ended up doing a face plant on your keyboard.

    Reply
  42. Shiny Rod says

    September 8, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    Jeff, the secrets want the TV in the bedroom so they can play video games until the wee hours. Keep their bedrooms video free.

    Reply
  43. Shiny Rod says

    September 8, 2008 at 12:03 pm

    Uncle Buzz, dinner is when you eat around other folks.

    Panthers Rule!!! Yeah!!!

    Reply
  44. Shiny Rod says

    September 8, 2008 at 12:16 pm

    For those folks with TV’s in the bedroom. Nothing kills the mode more than Jimmy Kimmel or Jay Leno yaking to no end. Nuf said! Leave the TV in the family room. It’s a “bedroom” not a TV room (emphasis on BED). Just think of all those fun things you could be doing in bed instead of watching TV. OG God, I just got a Brittney/Lindsay and the Palin bunch visual. OK put the TV’s back in the bedrooms.

    Reply
  45. me says

    September 8, 2008 at 3:46 pm

    all 3 of my kids have tv’s in their rooms….it is a godsend…… (and a babysitter. :p )

    Reply
  46. Kathleen says

    September 8, 2008 at 7:10 pm

    The way I get through books these days is that I list what I read in my blog at the end of each month. It gives me a kick in the ass to read when I think there’s something better to do because I don’t want to look like a complete slacker. Of course, I read while I eat breakfast and lunch (probably get two whole paragraphs read as I’m a pretty fast eater) and as I walk home from work and then when I really need to read, I get on the treadmill. Reading is the only thing that keeps me on the treadmill – I get bored out of my mind otherwise.

    Reply
  47. Kathleen says

    September 8, 2008 at 7:10 pm

    Oh yeah – no TV in bedroom.

    Reply
  48. Kathleen says

    September 8, 2008 at 7:13 pm

    The word “awesome” should be stricken from the vocabulary, particularly my mother’s!!!! DRIVES ME INSANE!!!!

    Reply
  49. Kathleen says

    September 8, 2008 at 7:22 pm

    I’m with Jorge in the swimsuit vs bathing suit in Michigan debate. I’ve always said bathing suit.

    And for the record, it’s POP, not soda or Coke, but pop, at least in Michigan. My younger sister got all pretentious when she was in Maine for 8 months and now she says soda. I lived in San Francisco for four years and still came home saying pop, because I hate the word soda.

    Reply
  50. Tony Tony Tony says

    September 8, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    underpants and tummy.

    If you tell me you have a tummy ache I will hike your underpants so far over your head that your brain will have skidmarks.

    Went to the Sternwheel Festival in Marietta, OH over the weekend and I seriously think that Wal-Mart lost money because their clientele was down on the river huffing funnelcakes and deep fried everything.

    Reply
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