A few weeks ago, as some of you might remember, our dog Andy came down with some sort of freaky ailment.
He began walking around the house all low to the ground, like a bear rug, and yelping for no apparent reason. At one point he acted like he didn’t even recognize us, and was cowering in the downstairs bathroom – where he never goes, because of chronic bath-fear.
It was a disturbing, and concerning turn of events.
After the behavior continued for an hour or so, we decided to take him to the vet. And the dog doc couldn’t figure it out, either. He took some blood, but all the tests came back negative. The hound’s temperature was elevated, for some reason, and he “gave” us some antibiotics in case there was a virus or infection, or somesuch.
And the next day it was as if nothing had happened. Andy (Black Lips Houlihan) was his old self again, on perpetual high-alert for that most hated of creatures: uniformed delivery personnel. We were relieved, but what the hell? What was it all about??
A week or so later Toney mentioned it to one of her Pennsylvania buddies, and she said their dog had recently gone through the very same thing. They also took her to the vet, with the same results, for the exact same amount of money. And both are indoor dogs, who almost never mingle with the general doggie population. What the crap? It’s just bizarre. Someone call Art Bell, straigh’ away!
Anyway, the vet took Andy’s temperature that day by jamming a thermometer up his poop chute. …Well, since he’s a dog, it wasn’t really up, it was more of a horizontal motion. But you know what I mean.
And before the jamming commenced, the doctor also shaved the fur from around Black Lips’, um, pucker. Oh, the indignity! And even now, weeks later, Andy’s butthole can be spotted from a full city block away.
I’m not kidding, it’s like a spotlight is trained on it, or the hole itself is housing a light-emitting diode. I asked Toney if she’d noticed the veterinarian installing a single Christmas light in Andy’s ass, but she wouldn’t even discuss it with me. Apparently she thought I was just being ridiculous.
But I wasn’t, I’m serious. I believe it’s putting off light. Sometimes, when it’s dark in our house, I believe I can see a floating dog anus moving through the rooms. And mister, that’ll get your attention.
I don’t think Andy knows what’s happening, and I’m glad. I mean, how humiliating… But at the same time, if there’s a house fire, or some similar emergency in the middle of the night, we’ll probably be able to follow the light through the smoke. So, there’s that, at least.
But how long does it usually take for canine hole-fur to grow back? I’m embarrassed for our beloved family pet, unknowingly prancing around the front yard with a pulsing under-tail beacon… The other dogs in the neighborhood are probably bark-laughing at him, and creating hurtful nicknames. Like “Brake Lights,” and whatnot.
I’m seriously thinking about coming to his rescue, and coloring it in with a Magic Marker.
But I haven’t yet made a final decision.
First??? Really? I couldn’t resist. WOW!
My first 2nd. Wow, a Sunday update.
Try shoe polish.
Surely you could craft up some ‘extenstions’ of some sort.
I use to use this stuff called “Funny Fuzz” as a kid when making a Big Daddy Rat car model. That stuff involves glue so maybe not. Or go to one of the we’ve-got-everything -for-any-pet store and ask for a canine anus toupe. They won’t have it but it’s worth the reaction.
Not second. I rushed the ‘first’ thing…-d
Shaved him just to take a temperature? Never heard of that in my life. Hmmm.
Do they still sell that spray-on hair stuff on late night tv?
Some sort of Anal Dog Merkin (patent pending) seems to be in order…
Poor Andy. But I bet his fur grows back in no time. Still laughing over here, though….
Jeff if your place is anything like ours, approximately 10 minutes are cleaning the house there is enough hair in the corners of the hallways to essentially craft an entirely new dog. I’m sure the Andy clone could be put off another week for the sake of Andy’s ass.
There’s a lady down the road from me who owns a sizable herd of weirner dogs. She takes them walking every night and they’re always dressed in pants, shirts, and hats that she crochets for them.
Maybe Andy could wear shorts until his ass hair grows back.
Pleased to see you have the cam problem fixed! and further evidence back on line! What I reaaly LOVE! about the new Surf report is having it on my google homepage right next to: this day in History. Now every morning I can learn two new things: this day in history: The secrets of DNA discovered! Jeff makes the “Greatest Fart Story ever Told” (written & directed by his son!) kinda helps put my world in perspective! As a new fan may I just say: Many Thanks!
I’m with wordnerd, never heard of them having to shave the poor dog to take a temp…maybe it’s different for dogs, since I have cats, but still. Couldn’t the vet find it otherwise?
They actually did that with my dog years and years ago and I remember thinking it looked like it was winking at us. It became a big joke in our house and the poor dog started to get a complex! Eventually we just started referring to his anus as “Pete” so he wouldn’t know what we were talking about.
Then came the day that I dreaded: a new semester and one of my student’s names was “Pete.” I couldn’t get past thinking of him as being named after my dog’s ass! To this day it makes me snicker.
A doggie Brazilian….nice.
Never heard of them shaving a dog’s butt to take its temp. Maybe Andy’s new middle name should be Dingleberry?
I had an English Springer Spaniel with a long crop of fur “back there” which used to “swish” back and forth as she walked. Once it got cut off (during a bad grooming), it never grew back.
Interestingly enough, the last time I went to the doctor, they wanted to shave my ass.
In the event of a fire, would it make more sense to follow the light, or pick up Andy, turn him around and use his brilliant bum-beam to seek out the front door? Whoever knows until such a predicament arises?
Tinwop, baby! Pictures or it’s not happening!
A florescent pink balloon knot…nice.
>She takes them walking every night and they’re always dressed in pants, shirts, and hats that she crochets for them
Jason, you need to get a picture of this.
Maybe Andy has been using this and forgot to tell you:
http://www.shopinprivate.com/anbleaccream.html
I used to work for a couple of small animal vets, and not one of them ever needed to shave that area to take a temp.
and to be honest it may never grow back. poor black lips.
1) You just used the phrase “floating dog anus.” I don’t believe those three words have ever been strung together in that order in the history of spoken language.
2) You just devoted an entire post to your dog’s anus. That, sir, is impressive.
Best
Update
Ever
A Sunday update? and funny as all heck, too.
Poor Andy . . . now, if he rubs his butt along the carpet he’ll get bad rug burns. Funny!
Oh my god, I am still wiping away the tears!
Thank You Sir, for starting my week of with such an IMPORTANT update!
Poor Andy, he must feel like a cat.
Awww, poor Andy. DOes he have no dignity left?
The only thing left to strip him of his dignity would be to post a pic.
please?
Surgery to remove a benign tumor from her anus left our black Labrador with the glowing flesh “bull’s eye.” It took about 4 or 5 weeks for the hair to grow back to the point where you couldn’t tell it had been shaved.
If your vet needed to shave your dog’s ass to take his temperature, either he has a weird sexual fetish or it’s time for a new vet. Maybe he/she was looking for something else? I dunno–I’m just sayin’…..
If you touch a magic marker to his ass, he will probably run for a week.
I agree with the above poster, pic please.
Poor Andy. Maybe try that hair in a can for his embarrassing problem!
http://www.onlyhairloss.com/glh/?source=google
Sounds like he may have had an impacted anal gland. Hence the shaving around the anal area (to see if he was imapcted and so he wouldn’t get any ooze on his fur). Impacted anal glands can get a little painful and irritating for some dogs. But once you pop that thing like a zit, their almost ready for action again. If you saw him dragging or scooting, that is usually a good sign of and impacted anal gland. Some just cower around wimpering and you may witness reluctance to evacuate and even some wimpering when going.
Treatment of anal gland problems is usually pretty straight forward. If the glands are impacted (backed up), they can be manually expressed (emptied). Your vet can do this, and he or she can show you how to do it so that you can do it yourself in the future if needed. Your vet will show you how to use your fingers or a thumb and forefinger to gently apply pressure on either side of the anal opening – on the outside of the glands. Press inwards and upwards and you should see the fluid being expressed.
If your dog frequently has problems with his anal glands becoming clogged, your vet may recommend changes to his diet. A high fiber diet may be recommended in order to make his stool more bulky. This will cause his stool to help express the anal glands when he defecates. You might also try Pet Alive AnalGlandz to treat infected anal glands in dogs naturally. It is a 100% natural, safe effective herbal remedy for preventing unpleasant odors and promoting anal gland health.
If the glands are infected, antibiotics will be prescribed for you dog. Infected glands will probably need to be expressed manually until the infection has cleared up.
But, what ever you do, don’t be in the line of fire when the gland evacuates. Cheer up Andy, it’s a lot better than a colonoscopy.
I saw this done once on an episode of Dirty Jobs. Jeff….take my word for it—let the vet do it. Dear God.
“I’m with wordnerd, never heard of them having to shave the poor dog to take a temp…maybe it’s different for dogs, since I have cats, but still.”
We have cats too and when they get their temp taken at the vets, the cats always request that the vet shaves a dog’s anus.
This update had me laughing out loud! I’m sure my coworkers think I’m insane. Luckily I wasn’t drinking while reading or my keyboard would be toast! Another Kay Classic!
We used to say to someone we didn’t like “if I looked like you I’d shave my ### and walk backwards.”
Wow, it’s way to early in the morning for anal gland expression directions. *shiver*
Poor poor Andy and his beacon butt.
Seriously, Shiny Rod? Jeff, manually expressing Black Lips’ anal glands? Never gonna’ happen….
Agrh!! First class of the day and I have another student named “Pete”!!! Jeff, you cursed me!!!
Maybe you use the corner hair to weave a small tushie toupee and hang it from Andy’s tail. Maybe Andy’s vet is related to Joey’s tailor on Friends…I’m just sayin’
Heck, mine always grows back?
Canine hole fur = best update evar!!!!!@111!!!
Good gawd amighty – how fucking high were you when you wrote this one? don’t get me wrong, it’s funnier than hell.
While we’re on teh subject, my dog Lucy Loo has the biggest butthole of any dog I’ve ever owned. Even the vet has commented on it.
scratch the black marker, grab food coloring…something like a nice bright GREEN.