There’s a website out there, where wild websites roam, that reports on the wacky things a man supposedly says in his sleep every night. The guy’s wife records the comedy, we’re told, and posts his best nocturnal pearls of wisdom to the internet every day.
And excuse me for being skeptical… but I don’t believe a word of it. The needle on my boolshit meter is dancing around like crazy. I suspect they’re attempting to create another ShitMyDadSays, which is also a dubious exercise, in my opinion. But at least that one’s funny…
In any case, it got me to thinking about the weird stuff that happens while we’re sleeping. Sleep is creepy, of course, but it sometimes gets even creepier — because of the tricks some of us perform while in a dormant state. Shit!
I don’t believe I talk in my sleep; nobody’s ever complained about it, anyway. And I certainly don’t sleepwalk. I’ve only seen that happen on TV shows, and the person is always wearing pajamas, and stumbling around with their arms stretched out in front of them.
I’m much too cool for such shenanigans, thank you very much.
Do any males between the ages of, say, 9 and 85 wear pajamas at this point? Somehow I doubt it. The idea of putting on a full set of clothes before going to bed, featuring a collared button-up shirt with a pocket on the front, makes me laugh. What’s the pocket for? To store an emergency sack of Combos, or something?
No, I’m strictly an underwear and t-shirt kinda guy. It’s the least I can wear, and still feel at-ease. I simply cannot endorse free-range genitalia while unconscious. Anything could go wrong. Ya know?
And I’d like to think I’d never walk around the house with my arms outstretched, like some kind of foo’. So, sleepwalking is out, on principle.
I guess the closest I come to funny sleeping tricks is snoring. Everybody says I snore, including the neighbors and pilots of passing aircraft. So, apparently it’s true? I’ve never heard myself snore, and used to doubt it, but there seems to be an awful lot of evidence to the contrary.
Toney’s even gone so far as to suggest I visit one of those sleep clinics, where they hook all kinds of diodes to your body, and videotape you thrashing around in the bedclothes from above. You can probably guess my answer to that one. Ha!
Everybody I’ve ever known who’s gone to one of those places is now required to wear a full World War I gas mask to bed, or something very similar. I don’t think so. Jeff Kay does not strap apparatus to his head, before turning in for the night.
So, except for the snoring, I’m a fairly boring sleeper, I believe. When I was young I did have a couple of disturbing dreams that I still remember, 35 years (or so) later. And they’re probably the most remarkable sleep stories I can offer.
The first was a vivid nightmare in which both my parents were killed in a nightclub fire in South America, possibly Brazil. The setting is laughable, of course. My parents have rarely set foot outside the southeastern United States, and aren’t really the nightclub types, either. But the dream was so real I remember many details from it, even today. Scary.
Another happened on more than one occasion, and was also terrifying. I was still asleep (I guess) but dreamed I’d just snapped awake — completely paralyzed. I laid there trying to move my body, and couldn’t. And I’d try to scream for my parents, but couldn’t do that, either.
Then I’d wake up for real, my heart hammering in my chest. This probably happened to me five or six times, all prior to fifth grade, when we moved to a different house. Have you ever had this dream? I’m not a fan.
Do you perform funny tricks in your sleep? What about people you know, or have known? Do you know someone who sleepwalks, for instance, or talks in their sleep? Did you have a dream or nightmare decades ago, that still affects you today? Have you ever visited a sleep clinic?
If you have anything on any of these subjects, or even if you don’t, please use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Have a great day, my friends!
@Adam…I was going to just comment without reading all of these, thinking that no one would mention sexsomnia…but you did!
I “suffer” (heh) from this supposed disorder, and I actually have sex with my boyfriend while I am completely asleep. I also do other things to him (use your imagination) and all the while, I am sleeping. I never remember any of these episodes, and did not believe him (since it never happened before, with anyone else). He, (very wisely) once began recording me. He grabbed his cell phone off the nightstand one late evening/middle of the night, and voila…there was the proof!
We were actually featured on WOIO in February, 2007 as a few couples were interviewed on the subject.
No, I do not get “violent” during these episodes. I do not do anything “out of the ordinary” for me (that I wouldn’t do normally, since I am one of them there trisexuals…”try anything”) so it is not like I am acting out some fantasies…we do that all the time anyway when we are fully awake. And it is not like we don’t already have a healthy relationship in that department; we both have very high libidos, so it is not about making “up” for not getting any, either.
Boy…am I ever glad to be the last commenter on this post! (Knowing no one will actually read this)…
*whistles to self*
White Trash Barbie says
Stephanie – Ummmm, people are still reading.
SeaninSac – I have a very close friend who was in the first Gulf War. I knew him before the war, and I noticed subtle differences in him after he returned. Only in the last few years has he sought out professional support. It seems to have really helped him. I certainly don’t know what he went through other than a couple of things that he mentioned to me, but I know he went through a lot. You’re not alone. I hope you find whatever it is that you need to exorcise your demons.
QOD – Yes, I walk in my sleep and talk in my sleep. I used to have horrible nightmares and the occasional night terror. So…
TILLY – Yeah, you do know someone who walks in her sleep. I guess the upside to me knowing so much about you and you not remembering anything about me is that if I ever run for office, I won’t have to have you killed.
30 miles south says
After reading all these comments, how are any of us supposed to get some sleep tonight? I’m too freaked out!!
Pickles the Clown says
I have been to the clinic and now sleep with the CPAP. It’s incredible. Now I can’t sleep without it. It took a couple tree weeks but now it’s a must have. The hot nurse who hooked me up was nice enough to tell me that erections were totally normal during sleep so I shouldn’t think about it. I wasn’t before she bought it up. Long night at the clinic. They woke me up at 3:30 to put the mask on for the first time. She told me I stopped breathing over 70 times and that made me forget all about the boner thing.Then four hours later I felt like I had ten hours of sleep and decided I should give that ridiculous contraption a chance. No turning back now…
Pickles the Clown says
By the way, great post today.
Trisha aka Mrs Wally says
I am a case study of all different sleep abnormalities. I used to sleep walk as a kid. My parents had to put up chairs at the top of the stairs to keep me from taking a header down them in the middle of the night.
I talk in my sleep. Wally tells me I spout off chemical equations and such. I suck at chemistry!
Interesting you are on this subject today. My doc just signed me up for a sleep study, because she thinks I have sleep apnea. I am mildly freaking out about it.
I snore like a freaking freight train. I often wake myself up. I have started wearing a Breath Right strip every night, and it supposedly helps.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I like wearing socks to bed.
Also, I eat a bana for breakfast on most days.
I know what your thinking: “Gee, what an interesting guy!”
Lee Harvey Ramone says
The proper spelling would be banana. I think that my laptop is beginning to eat letters.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Sorry Again: I meant Bananarama.
I eat breakfast most days while listing to Bananarama.
RUSTY IN JOISEY says
I had a really weird dream once – walking down the hall of a funeral home, hearing a woman wailing and sobbing, then seeing camera flashes in one of the viewing rooms and thinking “huh, they take pictures of the dead people? That’s strange.” Then some little red-haired woman wearing black comes running up to me saying, “you came, you came, oh my little sister, you came!” and she gave me this big bear hug and started crying hysterically. I wrote it off as just a weird dream and left it at that.
About six months later, I was on a new job, and a lady who was a fellow redhead who I bonded with instantly lost her husband suddenly. You know where I’m going with this, right? Yep, first time ever in a funeral home, I’m walking down the hall, woman crying, camera flashes, etc. It seemed like deja vu until my friend came running up to me just as described above. Then I remembered the dream and just about crapped myself. Needed many, SO many shots to get over that one. Not the first or last time something similar has happened, but it was the longest and most vivid episode. Creepy. Why can’t that kind of crappola give me winning lottery numbers instead?
First and most importantly- GO COLTS! (That was for Tilly, and myself)
I can relate now to Swami’s statement, as I have worn the nicotine patch (accidentally forgetting to take it off before bed) three times in the past two weeks.
First vivid dream- In a shopping mall, the exact same mall I have been at in other dream, but no mall I have ever seen in my life. I can remember the set, the store, the plants, etc… from other dreams. No idea where this mall is, but I feel it does exist somewhere in America. Could not find my wallet. I went to the info desk, which was behind a red door, and Dolly Parton was behind the desk. Dolly asked if I had seen her snatch, and proceeded to show it to me. She then grabbed my junk (I was suddenly naked) and stretched it to about two feet in length and jammed it down her throat. She then turned into a large turkey, and I was standing back in the mall with a raw turkey on my rod. Everyone was running away. Then I woke up.
Nicotine patch dream #2- Fambly and I had to move and had two weeks to pack. Time flew by (like two weeks in ten seconds) and we had a half hour to move. Nothing was packed. Some company came in and set all of our shit on fire and screamed “Get out, now!” We then moved into the back of a Ryder truck, where Jefferson Starship (with Grace Slick) was performing. However, due to lack of ticket sales and available room in the truck, they stopped after one song (“Caroline”) and left, leaving us to move into a crowded Ryder truck, with speakers, drum kit and guitars scattered about. Woke up.
Nicotine dream # 3- I bought a dragon from a guy I worked with about thirty years ago and immediately regretted the purchase, as the dragon clawed and shredded my parents, sister, first wife and kids and current wife and kids with it’s razor sharp three foot long claws. The dragon was larger than an airplane and told me (it could speak) that it needed me to feed it or I would face the same punishment as all the others had endured. Somehow, I was able to pull a White Castle into my yard and the dragon ate it, employees and all (who were still working, serving customers). The the dragon told me it was not enough, and I was going to die. I woke up as the flames from his mouth engulfed me.
There are numerous “walking my sleep after a night of drinking” stories from my past, but I will save them for another time.
On IPOD right now- ” “Stigmata”- Ministry
I dream so vividly around my menstrual cycle and during it’s hard to believe they’re not real. Some good, some bad, some the kind that bother you all day. In fact, just last night I dreamt that I was at an antique auction. Previewing the goods noticing it was that it was all stuff I collect/sell. I was making my list of what to bid on and realized I had no money with me. Flat broke. So I had to walk away with nothing. Story of my life!
My late husband’s snoring was so bad we had to sleep in separate bedrooms….doors shut! He finally had a sleep study done and they said it was one of the worst they had ever seen. He passed away a week before the C-PAP was to arrive. Sleep apnea is nothing to fool around with.
WTB- I never witnessed you sleep walking i don’t think but now that you mention it i do vaguely remember that about you.
It is great to know that you won’t have to have me killed. In fact as bad as my memory is you could rewrite your whole past and get me to verify the whole thing. So you will only need to kill everyone else and that is not so bad a proposition.
GO COLTS!!!! AWG- how awesome is it that we play the Jets and not the Chargers??
White Trash Barbie says
TILLY – You were never first on my list of people to kill anyway, and I am pretty sure that even if you did remember everything, you would go along with whatever revisionist version I came up with. You are that good of a friend. And, if, God forbid, the Jets beat the Colts, I will personally take a box to the Colts complex for Caldwell to pack his things in. Of course, when we win the SB I will be singing Caldwell’s praises for his brilliant idea to rest the starters against the Jets in the regular season.
WTB- Regardless of how the season ends up, I think resting the starters was a stupid idea. An undefeated season is memorable. Everyone remembers things like that for years to come. I’m sick of seeing the 72 Dolphins champagne party every year the final undefeated team goes down.
Yes, TILLY, I always worry about San Diego. They seems to have Indy;s number.
On IPOD right now- “Thunderstruck”- ACDC
Rat Bastard says
@Stephanie — I’m normally the last to comment around here for some reason…the cleanup crew, I guess.
I used to sleepwalk when I was in my early, early teens. I would walk downstairs and sit at the kitchen table with my Grandfather and watch the late shows, talking gibberish until either he or another family member would convince me to go back to bed. It eventually stopped when I was 15 or 16.
Nightmares: dreams about going to prison, but the weirdest is the one that involves being crushed by a ridiculously large steamroller type contraption that makes a hideous noise as it approaches. I’m sure a psychiatrist would have a field day with me.
In the summer, underwear is the most that I can wear to sleep. Recently though, I’ve been passing out every 2 days or so fully clothed, sometimes still wearing my jacket and almost always in my boots. Stumbling home at 3AM after being awake for 48 hours or so will do that to a person.
Have a good week, Surf Reporters.
Jerry in WV says
I have a different twist on the sleep paralysis thing. When I was a kid, 1st grade I think, I experienced sleep paralysis. The difference was, I could make a small dark shadow of something just inside my pheripheral vison. Scared the hell out of me. This happened a couple more times until I moved away from home. Now this is the really weird part……..This exact same thing has happened to me, within 2 weeks each time I have ever moved into a new house. Totally freaks me out and there is the “thing” right beside my head!!!! Weirds me out big time!
Ron form Niagara says
Chuck in Belpre says
@Jerry – Shadow people…look it up.
Is that Eninen’s wedding reception in the WVSR classic?
Rat Bastard says
Oh yeah: on the living room stereo: Reigning Sound — “Reptile Style”
This band is so underrated, it is criminal….great background music for packing the house up and drinking vodka. The only way to move.
@Ron from Niagara: I’m always last!
Perfect score in “Further Evidence” today (Lifetime Channel Movie title or Megadeth Song). I never realized that the two were really similar.
On IPOD right now- “Timothy”- The Buoys (Rupert Holmes “Escape- (The Pina Colada Song”) is the singer. the song is about cannabalism in a coal mine.
I usually don’t realise it, but it seems I sleepwalk a lot… (says my gf) actually, I think it’s night terrors (same thing, different stage of sleep)
The other day, I was dreaming that I spilled a bucket of paint on my new wooden floor, so I get up in a panic and turn on the lights (in my dream and in reality) to see what I can do to clean it up. But that light was real bright so I ended up waking myself up. All of a sudden, I’m real confused, standing there looking away from the bright light. My gf saw this and was laughing her ass off. I didn’t think it was that funny.
Except she doens’t think it’s that funny when I think she’s in danger and try to move her out of the way to protect her. I’m real strong in my sleep, and almost hurled her across the room once (she was barly hanging on to the bed, yelling at me to wake up) lol
WB in OH says
Oh boy, I was wondering how to explain waking up and seeing someone or something in my room and not be able to make them go away by blinking or what not.
It’s just shadow people, cool.
JCIII- I was seconds from posting the exact same satement. Y’know what they say ’bout great minds.
greg t says
free-range genitalia is the only way I go otherwise the “boys” get all tangled up. I used to “walk” as a kid. My parents were having a party one night when I was 4 or 5. I came walking down the stairs into the living room and started peeing in the fireplace. I guess I got a pretty good laugh. I still gewt chased from time to time and the wife has to wake me up to stop it. I also have sleep apnea. The breath right strips help alot I am told.
I used to sleepwalk when I was a kid. They kept telling me stories about wandering around the house muttering nonsense. I thought it was bullshit. So I started wearing socks to bed. I woke up and the socks were covered in mud. I’d been walking around outside at God knows what hour. Scary! So they fixed locks up high where I couldn’t go out and get raped or hit by a car or whatever. As far as I know the sleepwalking stopped when I was around 15.
My 3 year old sometimes “sleepwalks” in a way. I’ll go by her room and she’ll be sitting up in bed staring at the wall, babbling nonsense about apes and toothbrushes and shit like that. It’s creepy to see.
I was always told not to wake up a sleepwalker because they’d have a heart attack or something. I guess the shock of falling asleep in bed and then waking up shooting pool would freak some people out. I doubt it would cause a heart attack. If I’m ever in a situation where I see a stranger sleepwalking I’m going to wake him up and see what happens.
My wife snores (now that she’s preggers) when she lays on her right side – but not on her left side, for some reason. I admit that I snore now that I’ve put on an absurd amount of weight. Richard Simmons is going to be crying over my bed on television any day now.
Another weird thing about my wife’s sleeping habits is that she “jerks” as she’s falling asleep. She’ll start dozing off and her leg will yank like she’s trying to kick a soccer ball or something. It used to scare the shit out of me but now I wait for her to stop having seizures before I try to fall asleep.
T. Farty McAppleass says
I sleep nekkid. I like to sleep on my side with a pillow between my knees, that way I don’t pancake my cock ‘n balls with my massive thighs.
I’ve woken myself up with my own snoring. I sleep in boxers or nekkid, it’s always warm in my apartment because heat and hydro are included in the rent.
I scored 100% on the Lifetime Movie or Megadeth Song quiz.
That is all, now back to your regularly scheduled programing.
T. Farty McAppleass says
I had this dream last night where I was standing in a field next to an old man who was laying in a bed. He said I had on too much cologne and said something about my being naked so I punched him in the neck and ran off. I made my way to a small town and realized I was dreaming so I started seeking out women to molest. I had one down and was almost finished when I heard the cops coming. So I hopped in this old blue truck that was running beside the curb. I lost the cops and ran over a bunch of fences and signs and things like that.
This morning when I woke up I saw a wrecked blue truck in my front yard. Oops. Guess I wasn’t dreaming after all. So I raped you, lady.
My husband (age 47) wears pajamas. He’s not comfortable sleeping in just underwear.
He reports that we have some really bizarre conversations at times, that I have no memory of the next day. I tend to point it it’s a wonder I slept, what with his snoring.