I’m in West Virginia, drinking a Keystone Light from my father’s stash. What of it? Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I arrived at my parents’ house last night, and the drive was long and NOTHING like meditation. The first half was annoying for all the usual reasons: endless road construction, and an inordinate number of so-called wide loads moving at 35 mph. What’s the story, man? Why are there always houses being transported down I-81? And massive propellers, or some shit? Then, as soon as I left the Devil’s Parkway, it started raining and never really stopped. So, good times.
The trip took 9 hours, 15 minutes. I stopped for lunch in some yuppie enclave in Maryland, and enjoyed a #2 combo meal at Chick-fil-A. It was excellent, as usual. I also stopped for gas one other time, and took an additional off-and-on pee break in Fairmont, WV. Someday I’d like to open a chain of high-end rest areas alongside interstates, called Urination Station. The entire business model would be built on pissing. Don’t steal my idea!
As I was driving, I saw a lot of those makeshift memorials, at spots where people had apparently died at some point. Most were sparkly and shiny, with a white cross in the middle. But I saw one that was more elaborate, and possibly maintained by a professional designer. It was fall-themed, with a pumpkin and multi-colored leaves. Fancy! I also saw one on the other end of the spectrum: white spray paint on the trunk of a tree that simply said RIP JOE.
How do you feel about these roadside memorials? If you went sailing off the highway, and roasted alive behind the wheel, would you like for your friends and family to mule a sack of crap they bought at Michael’s or Hobby Lobby out to the exact location, and start doing craft projects? It’s not necessary in my case. I want that to be on the record.
As I was driving along, the suction cups on the GPS gave way, and the whole apparatus fell off the windshield. It hit my fancy stainless steel travel mug, and snapped the handle clean off. That thing cost something like twenty bucks. I was pissed. Now it’s nothing but garbage. Grrr… We can put a man on the sun (or whatever), but we can’t build a suction cup that’ll stay stuck to glass?
And I experienced several cell phone dead spots. Interstate 79 used to be mostly like 1947, but there have been improvements. There’s not 100% coverage, by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s probably 60%. That’s a lot better than the last time I went through there. Maryland has a lot of dead zones, too.
Why is that?! It’s 2013. Am I off the mark in believing all of the so-called lower 48 should be covered by now? I’ll give them a break on Alaska, but the rest of it should be pumping 4G at this point. Am I wrong about that? Sheesh.
I arrived at my folks’ house around 7:30 pm, and my dad made me a West Virginia delicacy for dinner: hot baloney sandwiches. It’s thick slices of bologna, cooked in a spicy barbecue sauce, with lettuce, tomatoes, and onions on a bun. It’s fantastic. Today I saw two businesses near here advertising hot baloney, and I’ve never seen it anywhere but in this area. It’s good stuff, but I can’t get Toney to even CONSIDER trying it. Heh.
I’m going to bed now. Well, maybe after just one more of these horrible beers… I don’t really have a question, so just have a go at the stuff I wrote above.
And I’ll try to write more tomorrow, and maybe post a few photos, as well.
Have a great day, my friends!
Glad to hear that you arrived safely.
I don’t really have an opinion on roadside memorials, but if you like ghost on the road stories I recommend The Night We Buried Road Dog (by Jack Cady).
Love Road Trips! Have a great time with your folks Jeff…
PS what is bologna? (I’m in Australia OK)
Mostly, it’s hot dog wiener filling pressed into a “loaf” and sliced for sandwiches. It’s similar to salami.
I am highly offended, Stuart.
It’s nothing like salami, it’s animal sourced shaped mush. It’s about as Italian as Olive Garden. I do not eat it.
Go to Tudor’s while you’re here and get a Politician. Baloney on a biscuit.
Jeff,
I actually thought of the same idea for a business built around pissing! When I was a kid, I was famous for making my parents pull over in emergency cases for me to take a piss. Let’s just say that I knew the best restrooms along the I-10 and I-15 corridors in Southern California.
So one day, my dad and I talked about a business model where we build fancy ass bathrooms. Basically, you can purchase a membership where you can use a chain of restrooms nationwide, and they would be the absolute best restrooms. Super clean, staff on duty, Charmin Ultra in every stall…everything. Of course, it probably wouldn’t make money, but it was an entertaining idea.
But maybe opening a restaurant or a convenience store with average food but incredible bathrooms is a good idea. You stop and take a piss, then buy a drink or something and head out.
How about a one day membership for a crazy price? Like airports and hotels do with their wifi (wiffy).
Great Idea! Let’s call it “Howard Johnson’s”!
I like roadside memorials. I prefer Burma Shave signs, but that era has well passed. Actually, roadside memorials were in trouble, what with antilock brakes, crumple zones, front and side airbags, and mandatory seatbelt laws. The glass candles with pictures of Jesus were disappearing from the sides of our nation’s roads until mobile texting and surfing became part of the culture. Now we can once again hurtle into roadside poles and trees and break the surly bonds of car safety systems.
Just like the old days.
jtb
Somewhere there has to be a roadside memorial to a “died while texting”
RIP Dave Miss UR TXTs TTYL
They should replace the “STOP THE TEXTS, STOP THE WRECKS” signs with your idea, it might actually sink in.
Like. (I’d type more but I’m currently doing 140 km/h down the 416 HWY.)
(Not really.)
And they can tie it all together with:
TEXT DEATHS – Like us on Facebook
I think all types of makeshift public memorials are weird. I don’t remember then being a thing when I was younger but suddenly every death started being commemorated with a giant pile of soggy teddy bears and fake flowers. I would like my loved ones to forego such a display in the event of my violent demise.
My first thought after reading, did you need GPS to find your parents house?
I think people who build roadside memorials can’t afford a decent headstone.
I’m a touch hung over this morning, sorry if it sounds snarky. On second thought, I apologize for nothing and the whole world and everyone in it can go fuck themselves. Have a nice weekend y’all! Go Bucks!
Go Jets! (I’m three weeks in to rooting against my beloved Bengals and they have won three in a row, so there you have it).
I feel the poorer you are the more elaborate and tacky your memorial is. If that happened to me and my parents did it there would be nothing. If my sister in law did it you’d see lots of beer cans and teddy bears and shit.
Was your GPS unit actually a GPS satellite? How the fuck heavy was it to break a travel mug? You might be cited for child endangerment for having the secrets in the car while that thing was suctioned to the windshield.
Off topic but last night I went to a parenting class at the half-secret’s school. He just started Kindergarten and the district tries to get the parents from the two elementary schools together for 2 5-week sessions to learn about how and why the little shits do what they do and how to react (Shaking is bad, praising is good, shaking while praising is bad).
The turnout was 12 people. 25 signed up. There were two dads. Me, and my gal’s ex-husband. So that was fun.
Anyway, one of the ice breaker questions was do you remember what the last song you heard was. There was a lot of Rhianna and crap like that but mine was Boys Don’t Cry. Good times. I’m just glad it wasn’t that horrible Florida/Georgia Line song. Blurgh.
Yesterday’s movie question – The Usual Suspects.
“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
“There’s nothing that can’t be done.”
Cop: I can put you in Queens on the night of the hijacking.
Hockney: Really? I live in Queens! Did you put that together yourself, Einstein? Got a team of monkeys working around the clock on this?
Cop: You know what happens if you do another turn in the joint?
Hockney: Uh… I fuck your father in the shower and then have a snack?
…and from the fine movie “They Might Be Giants”…
Justin Playfair: I think if God is dead he laughed himself to death. Because, you see, we live in Eden. Genesis has got it all wrong. We never left the Garden. Look about you. This is paradise. It’s hard to find, I, I’ll grant you, but it is here. Under our feet, beneath the surface, all around us is everything we want. The earth is shining under the soot. We are all fools. Ha ha. Moriarty has made fools of all of us. But together, you and I, tonight… we’ll bring him down.
I’ve never seen the movie, but in my head I hear the Hockney lines being spoken by the voice of Bobcat Goldthwaite.
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The NC Triangle area is littered with roadside memorials – you can count on there being one for each and every roadway death. I kind of like that morbidity of that. “On this spot someone died quite unexpectedly and in a rather horrific manner’ is the implication, which is a fantastic reminder to pay attention on the road because today might it for you if you don’t smarten up and drive right!
But then they get all tatttered and worn, and it’s clear the IDGAF button was pushed in regard to maintenance, and all that’s left are the fading skidmarks on the road and perhaps a few burned trees as legacy. Sad.
Plastic Flowers on the Highway – Drive By Truckers
Those roadside memorials are a little too creepy for me. I just envision some twisted, charred soul hovering around mile marker 28, or a decapitated head out on Highway 10 frozen between the living and the dead.
I think I’m siding with Toney on the hot baloney sandwiches but I’d probably try one if I was drunk enough.
There’s now a trend of placing outsize memorial stickers in the rear car window, too. I spotted one the other day that draped the entire rear window in a Chevy pickup. “In Loving Memory of Bruce. I miss you, Bro” or something equally classy.
My dad is an Old Milwaukee man but that didn’t keep him out of my Two Hearted pale ales. He had two of them down before he realized they were 7% ABV. I told him how much they cost and he leaves them alone now.
Around here a hot boloney sandwich is a fried boloney sandwich, no BBQ sauce.
Which brings ne back to your Saturday meal duties, 2 slices of boloney, make a 2″ cut from the outside of the boloney slice towards the center of the boloney slice at 12, 3, 6, and 9 like as in a clock, this keeps it from cupping. Throw that shit in a skillet and heat it up and get some color on it, in the mean time get two slices of bread and a slice of American cheese. Slather some mustard and mayo on the bread, when the boloney is about done slap that mother fucking cheese slice on one of the boloney slices and cover it with the other give it a minute to melt the cheese then slap that shit on your bread.
EAT THAT SHIT!
Repeat until everyone pops the top button on there pants.
I fry the bologna, make 2 pieces toast, butter one side of each slice and put ketchup on the other side, and then slide the slightly crisp bologna in between the ketchup sides. Greasy, warm goodness right there.
Did you get a case of the “useta’s”?
As in … That store useta be a corn field.. and so forth.
I miss the Pizza Huts… Dairy Queens and 7-Elevens.
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The giant propellers you’re seeing are windmill parts for power generation. I see them quite frequently here in Michigan, often in convoys of five or six at a time. I see them on the railroad, too.
The roadside memorials creep me out, but I don’t really feel comfortable telling people what the proper way to grieve is. Its especially creepy when they aren’t maintained.
On the way to the office, there’s a 1 ft tall roadside cross on a fence post that just says “Dad” on the cross member… on the way home, there’s a pile of flowers and crap and stuffed animals and more flowers and OH MY GOD THEY’RE STOPPED AND SMACK IN TO THE BACK OF THE PROPANE TRUCK … nice way to keep the memory alive of a trucker that in this case sacrificed his own to save others.
Replace all that with something like a cremation marker style stone flush to the ground so it’s there for the people that have lost a loved one but don’t distract others.
please…
There’s a replacement kit you can buy to replace the window suction cups . it incluides a 3/4 in glass drill bit, bolt, nut, washers and directions. Your GPS will never fall again,
We need to erect one of those Gone Too Soon markers outside of my now former place of employment…I was just fired.
It was very much like bikerchick’s employment situation and the best thing that could have happened since the place is toxic as hell. “Management” keeps letting people go thinking, “Oh, this one must be the cause…no, this one…” etc. but they have yet to fire THEMSELVES which is the problem.
I am terrified (since I am the breadwinner in my household) as to what we are going to do now…(No, I am not one of those lucky few who has six months salary put aside in case of emergency). WHO can do that anyway when you are living paycheck to paycheck?
Very few people have that 6 months.
What part of the country are you in?
First thing is file for unemployment. Then get out there and beat the bushes for a new job. Then slash your monthly budget, which is probably slashed already. If you were in Ohio and an electrician I could put you to work Monday.
Sorry to hear that Stephanie. There ARE better things ahead. The “do as I say, not as I do” attitudes of some of these assholes in charge will get them nothing but an office with revolving doors. And no, they’ll never figure out why.
File for unemployment, keep your chin up, and keep busy during your time off. Something will come your way.
T-Storm, I am in Minnesota.
WB, yes the budget been as slashed as it can get, sadly. No place else to “cut”..
bikerchick, Thank you for the confirmation about work assholes and there HAVE to be better things ahead. That place was a cesspool of harassment and discrimination. After making us watch anti-harassment videos and telling us to report ANY that occurred, and I did…they decided I was “toxic”.
I’ve filed for unemployment and know they will claim terminated with cause, which is not anywhere near the truth. Then, I will have to appeal. Like I haven’t been through enough with these Doucheketeer…it is exhausting.
Ummmm just learned that Misty Hyman is a real person. Awesome. And she’s probably wet right now.
I agree that roadside memorials are just too distracting to drivers. I don’t care for video billboards, either, for the same reason.
apropos of nothing except trips, perhaps… my loving husband went on a fishing trip last month. while in the boat, he found he needed to relieve himself. he unzipped, pointed over the side of the boat, finished, turned around and said, “oh shit, i just pissed on my fish.” his friends thought it was hilarious. i thought it was funny maybe you had to be there.
Few things sadder than an overgrown, neglected roadside memorial, unless it’s faded butt tattoo on a hefty water park mom.
I’m not sure I care for the roadside memorials either. They seem kind of like ostentatious public mourning and, as previously mentioned, distracting to us drivers who haven’t yet gone down in flames. I like Fuzz’s idea of the flush-mount marker, so those who knew the person can visit, and those who didn’t don’t get caught up in the story while driving.
Here in NoVa, I’ve seen bumper sticker memorials. It looks like somebody had a batch of stickers made up, and I’ve seen many cars sporting them. “In memory of”, followed by two names – always the same two names. Maybe local cops or firemen? I don’t know. Since I didn’t know these people, I can’t recall their names.
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Roadside memorials are sick and twisted. Anyone who puts one up should be institutionalized. Same for rear window decals. I’m sorry your loved one passed, but we all are in that situation at one time or another. Grow a pair and get over it.
I do not like roadside memorials. Thats what the graveyard is for, let go already. Putting up your memorial of rubbish is an eyesore.
I respect those crosses. Some family has lost a dear part of them and they want to express their sorrow anyway they can. What’s wrong with that! It may also have saved other lives knowing it is a hazardous crossroad. I pray that none of you would have to be in this situation. God Bless!
well it is littering, dangerous, usually illegal, and a the money could be better spent on a different type of memorial, perhaps something more personal..
I don’t like the roadside memorials, and I don’t know which I find more disturbing, the neglected kind or those that are hyper-maintained. I also really, really don’t like the back window decals. It’s just undignified to memorialize Memaw between a sticker for your favorite sports team and another one of Calvin pissing on a Chevy bowtie. And while we’re on the subject, I’m very disturbed by solar power crosses on graves. THAT could cause some accidents, you drive by a cemetery late at night and see. Blue white glow, you tend to do a double take. I also disapprove of turning a gravesite into something that looks like an end of the season clearance sale at a Dollar General lawn decor department. Can we just stop at a tasteful headstone? Must we add a plastic cherub, a pinwheel, wind chimes, and plastic flowers? Hmm, reading this makes me realize that I’ve apparently put a lot if thought into other’s displays of grief.
Jeff, you did the road trip right…alone. My best was a 35 day vacation mainly consisting of driving. You can’t rent a car for over 30 days, because afterward it falls into “lease” rules.
So, I rented in Reno, visited the folks in Oregon. and the up to Seattle to see my younger brother. When I returnd it to get a full 30 rental, the guy at the counter seemed a bit amazed at the miles I had put on.
30 days later when I returned the replacement car, I got the same guy. I had filled out the form, putting in the mileage. The guy asked me, Sir, are yo sure the mileage is correct????. This shows yo put over 10,000 miles on the vehicle.”
I told him, “Yeah, that sounds about right.”
Best part of the trip? 47 hours and 53 minutes from St. Marys, WV to the I-5 interchange off of I-90 in Seattle. Stopped for gas, and a few burgers while the car was filling. Peed into an empty Big Gulp cup, then winged the piss out the window. Got stopped ONCE in Montana, the cop asked me, do you know how fast you were going?
I told him, the ignition cuts out after a while, and the speedometer cuts out a little before that, so I’ve been calculating it off the tachometer and I came up with 104 mph.
At last! A valid reason for math.
Jeff, you did the road trip right…alone. My best was a 35 day vacation mainly consisting of driving. You can’t rent a car for over 30 days, because afterward it falls into “lease” rules.
So, I rented in Reno, visited the folks in Oregon. and the up to Seattle to see my younger brother. When I returnd it to get a full 30 rental, the guy at the counter seemed a bit amazed at the miles I had put on.
30 days later when I returned the replacement car, I got the same guy. I had filled out the form, putting in the mileage. The guy asked me, Sir, are yo sure the mileage is correct????. This shows yo put over 10,000 miles on the vehicle.”
I told him, “Yeah, that sounds about right.”
Best part of the trip? 47 hours and 53 minutes from St. Marys, WV to the I-5 interchange off of I-90 in Seattle. Stopped for gas, and a few burgers while the car was filling. Peed into an empty Big Gulp cup, then winged the piss out the window. Got stopped ONCE in Montana, the cop asked me, do you know how fast you were going?
I told him, the ignition cuts out after a while, and the speedometer cuts out a little before that, so I’ve been calculating it off the tachometer and I came up with 104 mph.
Jeff, you did the road trip right…alone. My best was a 35 day vacation mainly consisting of driving. You can’t rent a car for over 30 days, because afterward it falls into “lease” rules.
So, I rented in Reno, visited the folks in Oregon. and the up to Seattle to see my younger brother. When I returnd it to get a full 30 rental, the guy at the counter seemed a bit amazed at the miles I had put on.
30 days later when I returned the replacement car, I got the same guy. I had filled out the form, putting in the mileage. The guy asked me, Sir, are yo sure the mileage is correct????. This shows yo put over 10,000 miles on the vehicle.”
I told him, “Yeah, that sounds about right.”
Best part of the trip? 47 hours and 53 minutes from St. Marys, WV to the I-5 interchange off of I-90 in Seattle. Stopped for gas, and a few burgers while the car was filling. Peed into an empty Big Gulp cup, then winged the piss out the window. Got stopped ONCE in Montana, the cop asked me, do you know how fast you were going?
I told him, the ignition cuts out after a while, and the speedometer cuts out a little before that, so I’ve been calculating it off the tachometer and I came up with 104 mph.
The Trooper told me, “Yeah, that’s exactly what I got you at.. Our speed limit here in Montana is a “Safe and prudent speed. 104 is a bit fast. Hold it down to 90 and you’ll be okay. Oh, and by the way, I have a buddy up the road about 20 miles.”
Totally coolest cop, and one of my favorite road trips!
Sounds exactly like some of the best times I’ve ever had. Especially with the piss winging and explaining ridiculous speeds to the fuzz.
I put ~10,000 miles on a rental doing a road trip, Hertz didn’t bat an eyelid. The thing was *filthy* with bug splatter. It was a Volvo C70 that I rented because I wanted the best seats (Volvos have great seats) and it was a convertible in fall – who doesn’t want to do a 10,000 mile tour the country roof down? Big Sky Country indeed.
Road trips rule.
I suggest an addition to Further Evidence…
http://www.transportation.wv.gov/highways/traffic/roadsidememorials/PublishingImages/roadside%20memorial%20sign.JPG
These “roadside memorials” are nothing more than genteel littering and I question just how genteel they really are. What they are is trashy.
It’s sort of like tattoos. Used to be, you only saw them on ex-cons, carny workers and artificial badasses. Then, somebody decided that they were hip and stylish, and even worse, cute on women.
Guess what, folks. They’ve lied to you. Tats are not hip, stylish or cute. They are Wal-Mart billboards. If you want to engage in “self-expression” don’t engage in eye pollution. Learn to play an instrument or write.
Colin Cowherd on ESPN summed it up perfectly: “You can have great tattoos or a great job – take your pick.” Exactly.
I’m trying to think of a “yuppie enclave” off of I-81 in Maryland.
I-81 crosses Maryland in Hagerstown, which is very much NOT a yuppie enclave.
… although, maybe I’ve just been living here too long? Or maybe they’ve formed a small Hive in Hagerstown that has so far eluded me…
Anyhoo… back to my excessive use of ellipses. Bye.