Last night at work I bought a cup of chicken noodle soup from the cafeteria, and promptly dumped a load of it down the front of my shirt. Everybody had a big laugh at my expense (assholes), and I tried to put on a good-natured act of exasperation. But I was secretly seething with anger.
I hate when people slop their food around, and am very careful not to be that guy. I’ve developed certain methods through the years, designed to minimize the possibility of becoming a goddamn slob at mealtime. And I’ve gotten pretty good at it.
Some people lean way back, like they’re in a recliner, and transport spaghetti or gravy-laden meat a great distance to their mouths. And by the end of the meal they look like they just painted a bedroom. Or they’re always splashing stuff. Have you seen this? For whatever reason, they can’t effectively engineer the use of a fork, and keep dropping heavy beef-bombs into their broth, or whatever.
But that ain’t me. And on the rare occasion when I do get food on my clothes, I hate it. I beat myself up, and shout hurtful things inside my head: “What are you, retarded? You can’t move a noodle twelve inches without triggering mayhem? Why not rub a little chili in your hair while you’re at it…?”
I wiped off my shirt, with steam blasting from my ears, and within fifteen minutes everything looked OK. But I smelled like soup. And I’ve been very clear through the years that one of my daily goals is to smell like nothing. I’m not a fan of the colognes, or any of that faggy nonsense, and don’t want to smell like an appetizer, either. I felt like I was sporting a new fragrance called Comfort by Campbell’s.
Sure, if I absolutely had to smell like something, there are worse things than chicken noodle soup. Like… oh, I don’t know… August ass. But that’s missing the point.
And this soup-slopping episode pretty much ruined my evening. I never fully recovered, and didn’t treat people very well for the rest of the shift. I caught a few of them exchanging glances, and throwing shoulder shrugs that pantomimed, “Hell if I know, he’s just being a bitch tonight.”
Yeah, I’m a little tightly-wound these days. What of it?
But I’m off from work until Monday. How cool is that? I’ve been doing six ten-hour days per week, since October. And now I’ve got four and a half days off – in a row. Oh, it’s gonna be fantastic. I’m going to sleep a little more than normal, watch some TV, spend Saturday with the family, and (gulp) hand over my “book” to the formatting chick.
And, quite possibly, enjoy a few adult beverages along the way…
I’m going to leave you now with a Question we’ve tackled several times. But I think it’s important to revisit it occasionally, just to keep our fingers on the pulse of the bitterness. In the comments section, please tell us what words make you secretly grit your teeth with aggravation.
I’m not talking about idiotic phrases, or corporate-speak, or mispronunciations, or anything like that. I mean simply…. words that bother you.
I hate (HATE!) the non-word meh. It’s trendy and stupid. Nobody used it five years ago, but now everybody’s jumping on the bandwagon, and it triggers a full-body flex every time I see it.
I also hate the word supper. I don’t know why, but I do. Same goes for commode. What is this, Dust Bowl-era Oklahoma? It’s dinner and toilet. Usually in that order.
And now I’m going to turn it over to you guys. What words bother you on a primal level? Please use the comments link below.
I’ll be back in a few days, after I’ve manned-up and let go of my manuscript. I don’t know when that will be, but I’ll wipe the tears from my eyes and crank out a new update as soon as possible.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Support the cause with beer!
Good Evening Surf Reporters…..
The word “potty”. Have hated it since the day I could comprehend the English language. When an adult addresses a child; annoying.
When an adult (usually a woman) says “I have to go use the potty…” I’m getting uptight just typing this.
Last time I heard a woman say that I thought she said, “I have to go to a party”. So I asked her if I could go too and she said yes. We went to the restroom and she pulled em down to her ankles and started pissing while I stood there. Very awkward. I tried to make small talk, but no dice.
ideal. As in I have an ideal…
Even though one of the internet dictionaries says “surveil” is a verb, and has been around since 1917, it’s not. It’s part of the word surveillance. I’ve never surveiled anyone or anything. Hate that bastard.
Bounce, meaning to reboot, as a computer or similar device.
Liaise. I might have misspelled this non-word; it’s a semiliterate back-formation of “liaison”. Same deal as “surveil”.
Play-date.
.
I think I hate liaise more than surveil.
Liaise is a word and a good one at that. The Concise Oxford Dictionary defines liaise as “establish cooperation, act as a link.”
What is with all the hate? I believe it has more to do with popular usage and pronunciation than the word itself.
It’s a word, in the sense that it is a recognizable sequence of letters. I only ever hear it spoken in a context of tortured, barely coherent corporate-speak, hence the hate.
And it’s not in the OED.
.
chimnley
baby daddy
worsh
stop
I absolutely loathe the word “panties” and want to embark on a five-day shooting spree whenever someone utters it. It sounds like some kind of fancy diaper for infant girls. “Underwear” is the much preferred term.
Clit Cradle?
I’ll tell you what bugs me, the hordes of otherwise (allegedly) educated people that pronounce across with a “T”. When it comes out as “acrosst” I start getting irritated.
Also the tools that think there is such a thing as a prostrate gland. I think that’s only available when you’re lying down.
Oh yeah, and the operation you give to your female cats to sterilize them. “I had Cassie spaded last month, don’t want any kittens around here you know.”
And then there the “back in the day crowd”. Sheesh!
The word “stakeholder”. Sucks. What are you, hunting for vampires?
“Mission Statement” – a relic held over from the 1980’s. Take your mission and shove it up your statement.
Of course, being a suburb of Pittsburgh (of sorts), we get to use all sorts of questionable words. Yinz = you’ns = you people; the ever-popular Jeet jet = have you eaten yet. And then there is ” ‘n at” which is a catch-all phrase, as in, “We’re goin’ to the mall ‘n at. Are yinz goin’?”
Stuff younger people say..
“beast”- if something is good
“game game”- contest over
misused,corporate & new agey…
existential
surreal
tantric
guru
synergy
paradigm
sublime
literally
metrics
also just pompous…
actually/technically
fatuous
secular
guilty…
meh
dude
faggy
and…
shunt
SHUNT doesn’t get any better when you look up the definition
The real definition of shunt (in my world) is an electrical thing that is wired in parallel. This derives from railroad usage, where a track might be split off from the mainline and rejoin later. A shunt-wound electric motor is very stable in its speed of rotation, which makes it a good choice for your turntables, tape decks and clocks. In contrast, series-wound is better for high starting torque, so use that for vehicles and elevators.
Oh. I see what urban dictionary says. Definition 3 is indeed supremely nasty.
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I was talking about the medical definition for “shunt.” Urban Dictionary takes to another level entirely.
It seems that many are saying “flustrated” or “flusterated” when they mean, of course, “frustrated”. Or do they really mean “flustered”?
or fustrated. I hate that one, too.
Did it stop raining in the Great Northwest? Did jtb dry up and blow away?
Maybe it’s still raining, and he warshed away.
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Not that I think you’ll read this (after 105+ other comments) but I HATE the word “awesome”. It sneaked into the language somehow, and it isn’t really a word (or wasn’t). Now it is overused by nearly everyone and in my opinion, it pegs people as dumb. It is worse than “meh” and “whatever”, but they run a close 2nd and 3rd.
awesome is in the bible.
Kenju missed the last train to awesometown!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDpqQCieKJg
My girl’s mom has a british mother but both her and her mom and her grandfather are American as Apple Paltrow. It drives me crazy when she says mum, or auntie, or rubbish, or film instead of movie.
What you see at Sundance is a film, Die Hard is a movie.
Fancy that!
The word ‘movie’ is used so that you know that you are not viewing a photograph (which according to that logice should be referred to as a ‘stillie’)
Man, I hate the word ‘stillie’
And “You’ve Got Mail” is a flick, of the chick variety.
Disclaimer: To all females present: I myself do not use the word ‘chick’.
Anymore. (I was re-trained by wife Barb, she of the short fuse.)
OK, so it’s film->movie->flick->video->loop->clip. That right?
Just remembered: “Don’t go there.” is starting to annoy me.
You forgot porn. No need to say porn movie or porn film – just porn will suffice.
Preggers. That shit needs to stop. Preggers. What dipshit thought up that word. Or Preggo. I hate those words. I also dislike meh. It’s like you think you are so cool. Meh. Well, Fuck You. Meh. I hate it with the heat of a thousand suns.
Not rain so much as snow. Six inches a day for something over two days. I keep a supply of smokes and Hostess Cupcakes (west coast equivalent of Little Debbies’) and other essentials and so far haven’t had to send a squad of cats into the night for supplies. I was driving home sometime after midnight on two inches of ice covered by two inches of powder. No real steering control or brakes. I keep a five iron in the front seat to be used as sort of a rudder, and for hooking utility poles when whipping into the 7/11 lot. I was slicing as usual.
The real challenge, as always, is keeping my rubbers dry.
Thanks for thinking of me, Chuck.
More soon.
jtb
Warsh your mouth out with soap, jtb…Hostess cupcakes are NOT the equivalent of Little Debbie!!!!! Hostess is the Cadillac of snack cakes, Little Debbie is the Kia.
What he said.
And I don’t know what’s so West Coast about Hostess… it’s been widely available in all the East Coast places I’ve lived. But if Hostess is the Cadillac, then Drake’s is the Mercedes. Don’t get me started on Freihofer’s cookies.
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You guys are right about Hostess products. I thought there was some regional loyalty to Lil Deb, and I was trying to be my usual sensetive self. But fuck it, Debbie can deep throat some Hostess Twinkies with me tonight whilst the snow gently falls.
jtb
LD does (or did) have a somewhat suggestive advertising slogan: “Little Debbie has a treat for you.” I’ll bet she does, that See You Next Tuesday.
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Yes, Hostess is national…HOWEVER… If you want a really, really good Hostess Lemon pie, you will find it all over Washington, Oregon, and California. The ones in Alaska suck. You can sometimes find a good one in WV…but it is spotty. Cherry pies are pretty much the same goodness all over. Twinkies, I believe, are delivered to earth once a year by an Alien Mothership once a year to a central distributing location in Dallas, TX.
I see some perfectly good words here that Reporters would like to discard because some people misuse them. Hey, lots of men misuse their penis, but that doesn’t mean you should prostrate your prostate.
Fatuous and secular are great words, as are existential, surreal, synergy, paradigm and sublime. Sublime is nearly sublime.
Also, panties, kiddos, per se, and superluminal. Especially in the same sentence.
jtb
I hate the word “tender”. When my husband and I decided to have a Las Vegas wedding with an Elvis impersonator, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. When he started singing “Love me Tender” during the ceremony, it was very difficult to not interrupt and ask him to stop. Even “In the Ghetto” would have been preferable to hearing that word during our ceremony.
“Love Me Tender” was Elvis’ 2nd biggest hit (after “Hound Dog”/”Don’t Be Cruel”). Did you expect him to sing “Heartbreak Hotel” for your wedding?
As always, just curious.
jtb
No, I didn’t expect him to sing that. He told us before the wedding which songs he would sing before and after the wedding (Can’t Help Falling In Love and Viva Las Vegas). He didn’t tell us about “Love Me Tender” so it was unexpected.
Paula…
Then you was robbed. Nothing more sinister than a lying Elvis impersonator.
jtb
‘Tender’ is my favorite Blur song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNy0ZRLrtis
Let it be reinstated as a top word!
Manup….damn what a pussyassed word that is. Like somebody is walking around in Bass Weejuns without socks all the time and then has to change his footwear for some temporal man act.
When you’re a man you’re a man all the way
From your first stolen kiss ’til you’re last spurtting day.
I am not a fan of the word cleft.
I can understand that. Jimmy Cleft had a high-pitched voice and always sang in the treble cleft.
jtb
There’s not really any words that get under my skin, although it bothers me when Mr.Man refers to my boobies as “tits”.
As for other people around me, they have complained about me using such annoying words as “moist” and “supper”, The supper thing is mainly because I grew up hearing it called supper.
I’ve had people say something about me using “jeezum crow” and also “dooryard” which are also a regional thing.
It does kind of annoy me a little that people around here say “do what?” instead of “what did you say?” when they didn’t hear what you said. I’ve never understood that.
I’ve gotten a few dirty looks when exclaiming, “What kind of cocksuckery is that?” Go figure….
Why does everyone talk like cocksucker is a bad thing? I don’t get it.
I don’t think it’s any worse than “Fuck”, And it wouldn’t be nearly as funny if repeated by the lisping saleslady at WalMart.
Maam, you can’t thay “cockthuckery” in the thore….
BWAHAHAHAHA!
It’s not Aks it’s Ask!
“What Not”
I only have one food story. One morning while showing my son the correct way to pour syrup I spilled the entire contents of the small container in my lap. My family and the other patrons in the restaurant thought it was pretty funny…
Growing up in Indiana we all said “warsh” and George Warshington. That lasted until I dated an English teacher.
Love the word panties as in “I’m not wearing any panties”!!!
People that say “either” as though it’s spelled “eye-ther”, well aren’t you brilliant?
Also, some say “burgled” when they’re talking about getting stolt from.
The word I can’t stand is…wait for it…
pamphlet
Seriously, when used as a one word question. As in…
“The dog just puked on the floor.”
“Seriously?”
“No, I was kidding, he just shit on your new silk dress.”
“my bad”
It’s run its course.
My step-mother-in-law can’t speak worth a shit. Pronounces DVD as VDB. And has anyone seen her “pockey book?”
My co-worker once asked me about a bloge. Pronounced the “g” sound as in “large.” I had no idea what she was talking about. Also says “mens” for men and Walmahts.”
My daughter can’t stand it when I end sentences with, “but uh.” One of those things I never realized I did. Now I’m extremely self-conscious about it but can’t stop.
I hated “my bad” even when it was allegedly popular.
I’m with JTB, there are many “teeth-gritting words” in these comments that I love. In fact, panties may be my favourite word of all time. It is impossible for me to say it without smiling. Don’t even get me started on moist panties…
Moist panties are the best. The very best.
.
My panties are moist from my cleft shunt
Have a delish moist shunt cunt for supper, meh, at this time.
I don’t like big words that I don’t understand.
including words from other languages, like Chines words that I connot even pronounce.
see, I can’t even spell Chinese…
…or cannot….
We should stop using words and use symbols, like Prince or the ancient Egyptians did.
Exactly; why do you think the Wingding font is included in your MS Word software?
Its there to help us evolve into a race of symbol-using superhumans.
I’m geting really tired of “din’t” oh no you din’t!
Reminds me of Dinty Moore Beef Stew. In a dinted can.
Spanglish – fuck you it’s one or the other. Choose.
Wind.
Right now I’m hating the word wind. My mailbox box got blown off its post so I have that joy to fix tomorrow morning.
If the wind knocked down your mailbox, it was probably overdue for a little maintenance. Just saying, at this time.
It was way, way overdue for a little maintenance, but now my hand has been forced and I was enjoying a good procrastinate.
It is ludicrously windy though.
But now where will they put your junk mail?
Louisville…But I hate when people pronounce it Loolville. It just sounds like your trying not to drool. The voice over guy on First 48 always says Loolville and I go crazy.
I prefer Louie-Ville.
But I live in Chicago, so I guess I really don’t have a say so :-/
supple, gyrate, cupboard, ovulate, void, new-fangled, buffer, rigamarole, higgledy-piggledy, beancounter, dainty, leverage, palpate, crack, happenstance, forget-me-not, void, cuticle, sphincter, discharge, crusty, pustules, creamy, kudos, towelette, giblet, nurture, smoothie, dingleberry, slacks, cold cuts, mauve, engorged, veggie, saliva, pundit, zeitgeist, low-hanging fruit, widget, puberty, nub, persnickety, scrotum, caress, people person, props, outside the box, push the envelope, doodle, delish, burp, fat-free, disco, goiter, masticate, girth.
Eve, PLEASE tell me that you are not the person working next to me on the sorting line at the U.S. Post Office!
I hate VOID so much I included it twice. (Actually, it was unintentional.)
Eve must not be a programmer.
Brit,
I agree it’s louieville, not loolville. I didn’t live in St. Lools for 4 yrs.
Dungarees. Moist dungarees.
Hey, no fair using the actual names of porno movies. And I think you just gave away the plot.
jtb
Dungarees? As in dungarees crab cake? Moist dungarees crab cakes?
I think the dungaree crab is a west coast thing.
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Gretchen if you keep writing like that I will have damp boxers.
Well, if you scroll down to the World’s Fattest Contortionist link and Tammie’s subsequent commentary, your boxers will be quite dry, I assure you. 🙂
“meh.” is not a new term. It’s been in use for a good fifteen years. I generally do not like trendy, new words, but make an exception for this one because it is onomatopoeia.
I don’t care much for the word onomatopoeia. It seems awful full of him or herself wihat with all those shiny extra vowels.
I guess “what” was feeling a little jealous and needed an extra vowel as well.
It makes me feel like killing when I hear the adjective ‘pure’ being slummed. i.e. not being used to describe silk or gold or the purity of something, but being tacked onto something it doesn’t belong to, like ‘it was pure raining’ or ‘pure brilliant’. This is normally delivered in a Glaswegian accent, but not complaining about something for fear of being stabbed still doesn’t make it acceptable!
‘Gusset’
Here in Alabama they use “plum” in the same way. Drives me insane. “I’m plum wore out” or “He’s plum crazy.”
Scoosh. Can’t decide if I hate the word or the person that uses it. If it’s a guy I tend to rush to judgment.
Do you mean:
a. skosh
b. scooch
c. something else, mind your own beeswax
d. all of the above
Is that ‘Scoosh’ as in ‘can I get a wee scoosh of lemonade in this’ ? This is something I hear all the time in my P/T bar job.
I thought it was Scots.
Good to hear its crossed the ocean and is annoying americans too!
Ian’s take is what I was after. “A tad more”, kinda thing, usually accompanied by a raised ‘pinky’.
In American English that would be “skosh”. But I’ve heard it mispronounced “skoosh”. It should be reserved for grandmas and country club bitches when eating those fancy little sandwiches. “I’ll take a skosh more beluga caviar, please.” Pinkies out!
…yep…skosh it is. “3). a squirt or rush of liquid” is also fitting for Ian’s scoosh. I was going for the long ‘o’ sound. I’m here to learn. .
Supposably
When some answers yes by saying “yepper”, it just chaps my ass.
“World’s fattest contortionist.” Three words that are all right on their own but fairly appalling when combined together.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1360918/He-weighs-400lbs-touch-cheeks-toes-Roll-literally-worlds-fattest-contortionist.html
My mailman told me about a trip he took to the local pet shop. He said that an enormous woman walked in and started talking to the shop owner about this puppy she’d lost a month earlier. She said, “I finally found it after I went to the doctor. I’d started noticing this bad smell coming from one of my fat rolls so I went in to have it checked and there was the puppy. It had crawled next to me in bed and I’d apparently rolled over on it and suffocated it. The smell came from the decomposing body.”
Ummm…I don’t know about anyone else, but that’s NOT the kind of story I’d share with anyone, you know?
Maybe if she had been a contortionist she would have found it earlier.
Or maybe it would have ended up in a different place and she would have been discussing her own personal “cat and dog” fight with the cat winning?
Tammie for the gross out win!
Preggers or Preggo. God, you’re pregnant. Get over youself.
yourself that is.
Slice
Slather
Moist. Ew.
Literally
Word
Psyche (as in , I just pulled a stupid prank on you…”psyche!”
Mancave
Manscape
Totally
Dude
Whoot
Easy peasy
Cool beans
Words butchered by local media:
* “Probably” gets pronounced “probally”
* “Temperatures” gets pronounced “tempachurs”
* “Tractor-trailer” gets called a “semi” 99% of the time
* “Meteorologist” gets called a “meatorologist” (he works at the butcher shop, I think)