Seriously? There’s a professional tennis player named Jack Sock? Check it out. He’s apparently rising to stardom. Heh. Jack Sock. That’s fantastic. It sounds like something I’d yell at people in traffic: “Get the hell out of my way, ya jack sock!” He definitely belongs in the gallery.
I know this might be hard for some of you to believe, but I’m sometimes accused of being far too impatient. Usually by Toney, but sometimes by superiors at work, as well. But I think I’m getting a raw deal on it.
A few minutes ago, for instance… I was down here working on something, after sleeping too long and being short on time. I was rushing to get it done, and the older boy walked in and said, “Will you take me over to Matt’s house?” Grrr…
It irritated me, but I was on my best behavior. You know, since I’m apparently the biggest asshole who’s ever walked. I’m trying to change that perception, so I said, “Sure, just give me a second.” No hint of aggravation, or anything of the sort. I’m really trying.
But that can’t be the end of it. Oh no. He can’t just give me the second I requested, and allow me to create the illusion of patience. He came back in here, almost immediately, and asked for my keys. Since I was taking so long (roughly one minute had passed), he wanted to put his guitar in the trunk. To cut down on further delays.
“Jesus!” I hollered. “Can’t you just wait a couple of minutes, until I’m finished with this? Like I asked??”
So, once again: The Asshole Riseth. But is it my fault? If he’d just gone upstairs and allowed me to get to a stopping point, it would’ve been smoove sailing. But no, he had to come back at me. And when he locked my keys in the trunk, it didn’t help matters, either. Good stuff.
Let me know your opinions on this. I realize I’m a little tightly-wound these days, but don’t think I’m completely at fault. What do you think?
And you know what else irritates me? Email signature files that say “Please excuse any brevity and typos. Sent from my Blackberry (or whatever).” Quit making excuses and do things the right way, you pretentious cock. Also: “Listen closely, as our options have changed.” No they haven’t. They’ve been exactly the same since 2008. Blow me.
I’m already spent. Holy shit. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to update again, I’ll be writing about 1981 for the next five days, but I’ll do my best. They might be posted at weird times, though.
And since this might be up here for a while, I should probably ask a formal Question of the Day, as well. So, in the comments section, please tell us which comedy legends you don’t think are funny. I’m talking about celebrities, who society has decided are hilarious, but leave you with no expression on your face, whatsoever. Expect maybe a scowl.
Please don’t list the obvious ones, like Carrot Top. My blood pressure is in a very volatile state right now. I’m talking about people like Cheech and Chong. NOT funny. Or Charlie Chaplin. Almost as funny as Madeleine Albright.
I have another one that would probably make a few of you gasp, but I’m not fully prepared to reveal it. I think I need to do more research; my knowledge of him doesn’t run very deep. As it stands, however, hugely overrated and NOT funny.
So, do with that what you will. And I’ll be back as soon as possible.
Have a great day, my friends!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
Fancy Pants Maguire says
You wanna know who I find to be funny? Norm Crosby, the master of malaprop.
Not Joe Pesci, though. I don’t find him to be funny at all (not like a clown, anyway).
Kelly from Iowa says
I never, EVER understood why people thought Rodney Dangerfield was funny. So. NOT. funny.
Wow – I just read the first 160 comments and now realize I don’t find anyone funny… I agree with everything that’s been posted so far. I am trying to reach and think of someone that really does make me laugh… A little help here.
Oh once years and years ago I saw Bob Newhart in Atlantic City – that guy was funny. But he cant be the only one right?
You saw Bob Newhart live? Wow. That’s awesome. He’s a legend and one of the the funniest men that ever lived. Some people don’t get him because he’s do dry but that’s the genius.
Yeah – he was great, totally dead pan the whole time.
I think you can say “is great”. He’s still on this side of the sod.
I meant the show was great, I totally know he’s still alive 🙂
O.T. Anyone with 18 minutes or so to kill can watch a documentary on the real Dude: http://vimeo.com/23379122
Rosanne Barr is about as funny as having the clap.
Roseanne was funny when she first started out. Then she turned into an obnoxious asswipe when the money started rolling in
Lucie in Tampa says
Yeah, her show the first couple of seasons was very funny. But when she won the money she turned into a shrill, nasty twat.
basically anyone who tried a career after they left SNL…and often while still on the show.
Yeah – what the hell happened to Eddie Murphy? A few hilarious stand up routines then a shit load of dumb ass movies.
Tina fey and amy pohler are hilarious
Fat faggot McGuire. Couldn’t joke his way out of an unjustified speeding ticket. His best joke was take my wife ….. oj.
Seemed a little shitty until the kid locked the keys in the trunk.
And is there a comedian you guys do like?
I think Louis CK is funny.
“When girls go wild, they show you their tits. When women go wild, kill their husbands and drown their kids in a tub.”
Love(d) George Carlin.
Lewis Black is pretty funny but I know he isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.
The big fat guy John Pinette
WB in OH says
About 3/4’s of everybody listed above. Maybe more.
Patrice O’Neal (RIP) – nobody better at setting the trap for the audience and then snapping it shut on them (see his Natalie Holloway rant on “Elephant in the Room”)
Louis CK – has taken his gift of standup and produced one of the best current TV shows, and changed the business model for comedians
Patton Oswalt – walks the tightrope between absurd and observational perfectly
Zach Galifiniakis – his standup is absolutely fearless
Anthony Jeselnik – he is bringing back actual, one-liner joke writing like no one since Mitch Hedberg, but in a very different way.
Mitch Hedberg (RIP)
Colin Quinn – thru twitter has found a way to parlay wry snark into performance art.
Damn – that’s who I meant – Colin Quinn.
Literate and cogent. ogh.
I’m getting the impression that most of us are fans of smart comics.
Eddie Murphy Delirious was probably the first comedy special I ever saw and it was SO dirty. My Mom made me go to confession when she found out. Still love it.
Big fan of Eddie Izzard.. Louis CK.. Bob Newhart..
Rodney Carrington is funny. So not like what I would normally like. Kinda rednecky, but set to music!
And of course, Carlin.
Greg Giraldo was my favorite.
Apparently, we’re a bunch of comedy snobs. Suck it.
Jim J. Bullock, not funny.
The Qweezy Mark says
Thanks for bringing that memory back! What was that shithole sitcom with Ted Baxter? Set in San Francisco? OOps…just Googled “Too Close For Comfort!” THIS is too close for effing comfort.
WB in OH says
Let’s play Twister, let’s play Risk…
If you believe, they put a man on the moon.
Definate never funny: Martin Short and Adam Sandler.
Both are riding the coattails of what may have been a brief moment of funny in the shows they started in and got old fast even within those shows. Ed Grimley was funny for 10 seconds on SCTV and jumped the shark within the same segment. Same for the whiney kid like screech that comes out of Adam Sandler.
Gotta disagree with ranking Emo Phillips and Steven Wright into the unfunny.
I saw Steven Wright live the other year, and he was hysterically funny. I was laughing to the point of respiratory difficulty. I would totally pay money for that again.
Hope you had someone to give you mouth-to-mouth. I agree that Mr. Wright is both smart and funny.
Chuck in Belpre says
Just for the record I think Bill Burr is the funniest stand-up working at the moment.
WB in OH says
I had to google Bill Burr. Found his website and watched his “muffin” bit. LMFAO!! Thanks Chuck!
Buzz in Wheeling says
Ridin’ the old caffeine-sugar buzz, so here goes:
Will Ferrell – never been funny.
Bill Murray – really getting sick of.
Adam Sandler – never been funny.
SNL – hasn’t been funny for decades.
Phyllis Diller, Roseann Barr, Kathy Griffin, Sarah Silverman – take a permanent hike, please, and don’t forget your Midol.
================ segue ================
I was sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot Thursday, staring at the large Wal-Mart sign, including their new “logo”. Suffering from fatigue, heat and hunger I felt myself sliding sideways into a semi-psychotic episode. And I experienced a revelation: you know how Wal-Mart sometimes has a RED STAR between the Wal and the Mart. Red China, right? (Oh, yes, it’s still very red,) And the new logo looks exactly like a puckered asshole – look at it!
So, I have a new slogan for them: “Shop Wal-Mart – at the sign of the Chinese asshole!”
(Serves them right for selling such shoddy merchandise and treating their employees like serfs.)
Without reading 177 posts, Ralphie May and all his tonnage has me in rolling with laughter. Not sure if anyone has mentioned him…..there’s so many that aren’t funny though and agree with all of them.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Remember how un-funny Richard Pryor was before the end. It got kinda sad there for a little while. He really was unwell, but still working. I am sad just remembering this. The guy was fucking brilliant in his prime.