Letter to Crimewave USA
Reprinted without permission from Issue Nine

I hope you're happy, Mark and Linnette!  You are directly responsible for my impending death. As you know, I weigh approximately 1300 pounds and have been told by doctors that unless I drop 800 or 900 pounds right away, I will probably be one dead fat guy by spring.  I have been visited by counselors and was mentally prepared to take on that massive task.  I had dreams of tossing aside the bed sheets that have served as my jammies since I was thirteen, and putting on real people pants.  I had visions of dismantling my ass-wiping device and never again hearing the mocking squeak of its lines and pulleys.  I longed to laugh at an episode of Seinfeld and not experience a liver-jarring full body jiggle that lasts until ER goes off.  But that's all gone now, because of Crimewave.  The new issue is shockingly good and I can't tell you how insensitive that is to Expansive Americans everywhere.  You must realize that, like recovering alcoholics with booze, if we flop down on the couch even once, we're goners.  And because your new issue is so irresponsibly good, I couldn't help myself from sitting down to read it.  Eight days later, I'm just lying here waiting to die.  Hope you're both real proud of yourselves. Murderers! 

--Jeff Kay

While we couldn't save you Jeff, we can make this vow in your memory.  For the sake of Expansive Americans everywhere, you have our solemn promise that we will never again produce an issue of that caliber.


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