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Crinkle Intolerance, and Kiosk Bizarreness

April 27, 2010 By Jeff 72 Comments

I had some individually-wrapped Lifesavers in my Jack Sack shoulder bag on Friday, and ate three or four of the things while riding on the bus to New York.  And every time I opened one, some guy way up front whipped his head around and glared at me.

I have no idea how he heard it. He was far away from where I was sitting, and a li’l Lifesavers wrapper doesn’t exactly generate a lot of noise.  But there was something about the specific sound waves it was putting off, I guess, which cut through all the bus noise and agitated him.

I paid attention to other sudden sounds, and he didn’t even flinch.  But whenever I’d reach into the European manbag, and put my fingers on an overgrown Lifesaver, he’d turn all the way around in his seat and look straight at me.

It was a bit disconcerting, if you want to know the truth.

“How you doing?” I finally said, but he just stared at me without blinking, and eventually faced forward again.  And I lifted the Lifesaver to my quivering lips, hoping the cellophane wouldn’t betray me and let loose one last crinkle.

Then I decided that, for the time being, I’d had plenty of candy.  There’s no use overdoing it, ya know?

What is the deal with eyebrow threading?  At our mall there’s a little kiosk, right out in the middle of everything, where this curious service is offered.  And there’s ALWAYS a teenage girl reared back in a chair there, having her eyebrows (I presume) …threaded.

What is it?  I could look it up, but I’m a very busy man.  Is it hair removal?  Or some sort of brow-enhancement decoration technique?  And how does it work?  There’s a large Indian woman who works there, and she goes to town with an elaborate network of strings.  One end is in each hand, one is in her mouth, and she’s pulling and tugging and sawing something back and forth.

I mean, seriously.  I assume those strings are somehow insinuated into the girl’s eyebrow hair?  I don’t get it.

Also, there’s a machine out in the middle of the walkway where you can pay three dollars (I think), step inside a clear booth, and experience “hurricane strength winds.”  I watched some kid do it, and his upper lip filled with air and was almost lifted off the floor.

Once again, it’s a service I have no interest in pursuing.  That thing would probably blow the contact lenses out of my eyes, and/or my pants completely off my body.  Heh.

Have you experienced one of those phone boofs of high wind?  How’d it go?

At another mall, possibly in Myrtle Beach, they had a couple of iron lung-looking setups, that you could climb into, and be pummeled by jets of high pressure water.  You were protected by plastic, so you didn’t get wet, but the water would pound you and give you a “massage.”

It looked interesting, but no thanks. For one thing, I wouldn’t enjoy having sheets of heavy plastic suctioned to my body, which had only minutes before been suctioned to someone else.  Blecch.

But I bet it would loosen things up.  Know what I mean?  I’d probably be crapping something I ate in 1979.

Do you have a history with any of these things?  If so, tell us about it, won’t you?  Also, what other strange stuff have you seen at mall kiosks?  They’re often a source of surprising bizarreness.  Use the comments link below.

And before I call it a day, I want to thank everyone who bought shirts recently, or sent in donations.  It’s much appreciated, and I’ll thank you individually by email.  But I wanted to do it here, as well.  So, thanks!

Also, if you haven’t yet registered yourself in our annual (give or take) Surf Report roll call, please do so here.

I haven’t had a chance to go through all the info yet, but I hear we’re — once again — short a Dakota or two.  What the heck, man?  What’s the story?  Is there no laughter in Dakota?  Every… single… time.  I just don’t get it.  Any theories?

Have a great day, my friends.

I’ll see ya tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker

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Comments

  1. Gretchen says

    April 27, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Happy birthday Jorge!

    Reply
  2. renn says

    April 27, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Threading is an alternative to waxing and plucking hair.

    I have my eyebrows threaded with fair regularity, as I am highly allergic to the wax generally used. I end up crawling out of high end “boutiques” (ok, Fantastic Sams), looking like a frigging Klingon. My entire FOREHEAD swells up…and stays that way.

    Don’t bother telling me to use the hypo-allergenic crap. That’s even worse.

    Threading also hurts a LOT LESS than waxing, and the effects last longer.

    I tried the mall kiosk last month, and probably won’t be going back there. I’ll traipse 4 miles up the road to the Hindu Salon in Cary. They’re nicer, less expensive, and seem to be moderately confused by the pasty white chick with purple hair.

    Reply
  3. kristin says

    April 27, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    Ahhhh…..the Martz bus. How I miss you.

    Reply
  4. Alice in WV says

    April 27, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Jeff, that you included the word “quivering” in your life savers on a bus description was pure genius!

    Happy Berfday, Jorge!!

    Reply
  5. dto says

    April 27, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Damn man…wish is was there. I’d have opened a bag of potato chips and moved up a couple fo seats.

    Reply
  6. Tyrosine says

    April 27, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    Jorge: Happy B-Day (sorry I missed you in my earlier post).

    All this talk of threading vs. waxing reminds me of a torture device my wife once owned- The Epilady (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lQXukswY58&feature=related).

    Reply
  7. chill says

    April 27, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    My cousin just moved back east from South Dakota after living there since the 1970s. He brought with him the wife and child he acquired while living Out West. The son is in college now. He’s a good kid, but really a very serious young man. He almost seems like he grew up in a laughter-free area.

    Today’s WVSR Classic is from the wonderful compendium of twisted comic strips that is the Perry Bible Fellowship – http://pbfcomics.com/

    Nothing particularly strange in the mall nearest my house, but then I try to spend as little time there as possible.

    Happy birthday, Jorge! Congratulations on still being on the candy-coated side of 50.

    Reply
  8. Sidney says

    April 27, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    Happy B-Day Jorge! I turn 44 in a few days and I am looking forward to 55. Life starts here…and now!

    Pass the beer nuts, and corn? Oh hell, just a beer is good with me…

    BTW Jeff, if your mystery lady is Sophie Marceau, could you please tell her I…I…I…

    Reply
  9. Sidney says

    April 27, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    Never mind…I cant even spell her name correctly. But I’m I’m love with her dammit!

    Reply
  10. Lori says

    April 27, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    First off.. Happy Birfday Jorge! This is my 40th year and it’s one the best years of my life.. Single and fancy free..

    I’ve had the threading done.. let me tell ya.. the eyebrows were ok, the lip, a little tears.. the chin, had me ripping the vinyl off the arms of the chair.. after it was done, beautifully smooth and the pain was gone within an half hour.. i’ll get my brows done again but she can lay off my chinny chin chin.. ill cut a bitch first.. hahahah
    oh i don’t have a face full of hair.. she just decided to go to town on my face..
    the first time i had my brows wax i pissed the chair.. i had scabs on my eyelids for a couple weeks.. never again!

    Reply
  11. Ian the Errolite says

    April 28, 2010 at 12:25 am

    Hippy Barfday Jorge!

    I remember I once bought my wife a Philips Ladyshaver for Christmas. It went down like lead cement and I did not have sex that week! It seemed like a good idea at the time.

    I started a teaching a Karate class last night, so if any of you want to learn how to defend yourself / maim people in a Scottish village environment, I’ll be your Sensei!

    just putting it out there, in case.

    Reply
  12. johnthebasket says

    April 28, 2010 at 3:35 am

    Sometimes I feel like the Flying Dutchman
    Bobbing along on the sea
    Sometimes I feel like John Wayne’s horse
    With that fat man on top of me
    And sometimes I feel like just going home
    But my home’s now in Italy

    .
    Godspeed Knucklehead. May angels always have your back and light your way wherever you travel.

    John

    Reply
  13. johnthebasket says

    April 28, 2010 at 3:47 am

    Happy Birthday Jorge. I just un-celebrated 6-0. Since you are in the medical field, I’m sure you know that you still have eight or nine years before your penis starts shrinking, so you have that going for you. Use the years wisely.

    jtb

    Reply
  14. clintcurtis says

    April 28, 2010 at 3:50 am

    Yeah, that water massage thing seems really, really weird. I’ve only seen then in malls, and in the middle of International airports. I mean, how relaxing can that be, getting a painful massage AND having everyone watch?
    Happy Birthday, Jorge! From personal experience, my advice is, make the absolute most of the next few years, doing all the things you have always thought of doing. Or just get a civil service job and milk it out the easy way (like I did!)

    Reply
  15. johnthebasket says

    April 28, 2010 at 5:50 am

    Ian,

    I don’t recall the men at arms using karate at Bannockburn; as I recall, they just picked up some scattered cabers and shoved them up Ed II’s arse.

    I hope that, at the least, you’ll teach your students to shout, “Lay on, lay on, lay on!” right before they decapitate their attackers.

    I think it would please Robert the Bruce, but I’m just guessing.

    jtb

    Reply
  16. bikerchick says

    April 28, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Well, a day late and a dollar short…but here I am…

    I can’t stand those “used car salesmen” kiosks where they try to rope you in with some funky gadget that is suppose to make your whole life make sense. And I’m not particularly fond of massages….I’m actually an Esthetician so I prefer facials. Never had or performed the whole threading thing. Hear it’s pretty cool though.

    The goofball on the bus that kept eyeballin’ you….. When he looked back for the umteenth time, you should have said something like…”Sorry. My psychiatrist insists I take these. It keeps the voices in my head down to a low roar”.

    Reply
  17. bikerchick says

    April 28, 2010 at 9:15 am

    Oh…Happy Birfday, Jorge! Well..now belated… Hope it was a good one!

    Reply
  18. Ognir says

    April 28, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Facials?

    Reply
  19. bikerchick says

    April 28, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Ognir: Skin care for the face. Massaging of the face for relaxation, skin rejuvenation…sometimes extending to neck, shoulders and chest. Use of steam, masks..pretty much being pampered. I was trained in Hungarian facial massage. There are all sorts. Wonderful, really.

    Reply
  20. Ognir says

    April 28, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    There is a sign at the beauty school here that says FREE FACIALS.

    That’s funny.

    Reply
  21. Hodor says

    April 28, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    At the Mall of America they have the iron lung water thingy as well. After you are done with that you can go and breath some oxygen at Oxynate the O2 Bar. I think they also had a store where you could take a nap and it wasn’t Barnes and Noble.

    Reply
  22. PopHappy says

    May 4, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    I’ve done the lung water thing, and it actually felt great. I’m slightly claustrophobic, so it started out as a challenge. You get to control where it hits ya, so you can target any body part you want he he.

    RE CRINKLING! Oy, yes, I was at a matinee of “Puss in Boots”, a ballet, in Germany as a child. You know, a CHILD’s ballet? And I was a CHILD at this ballet? I also had crinkly candy wrapper and the German woman sitting next to me was LIVID because I was eating it. She spoke to me and to my mom about “the excessive noise” made by fake LifeSavers.

    Reply
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