A few nights ago Toney and I were watching some generic and forgettable show on cable, probably about flipping a house, buying a house, renovating a house or something similar. I’ve started renaming these programs, by the way. I always feel like I can do better… Yesterday, for instance, we watched a couple of episodes of Toothy & Mule-Face, and last night before bed we watched at least three episodes of Poofters In Paradise.
Anyway, in these shows they almost always feature the homeowners chopping produce for some reason. And in one of them a man was slicing corn off a cob, and Toney said, “Y’know, I don’t really like corn. Never have.” That touched off a ten minute conversation about fruits and vegetables, and the ones we like and don’t like. And you thought our lives aren’t exciting here at Surf Report Central? Ha! Consider yourself corrected.
Many people claim to hate broccoli, including Newman:
But I love it. It’s freaking fantastic. In fact, I like almost all vegetables. The only ones I shy away from are asparagus, zucchini, and squash. I can eat any of them — I don’t let ’em fall out of my mouth like Newman or a Cocker Spaniel — but I’d prefer something else. There’s a mealiness to the zucchini and squash that I don’t care for, and asparagus just tastes kinda yuk. Yeah, I know it causes your pee to take on a delightful scent, but I can live without it.
Another thing I don’t like: mushrooms. I don’t know how that crap got lumped in with vegetables, but I’ll pass on the fungus. Again, I can eat it on a pizza, but would prefer it not be there. It tastes like dirt, and is spongy and disturbing.
When I was a kid I’d just load up on vegetables and sometimes not eat any meat. My grandmother viewed this as unnatural and possibly dangerous. She’d practically force me to choke down a piece of beef the size of a paperback book to bring the universe back into proper focus. But I was fine with the vegetables. I still love ’em.
I’ve always liked salads too. The more stuff in it, the better. Go ahead and speculate about my sexual orientation, if you’d like. But I like almost everything salad-related, including radishes — another vegetable that’s hated by many. But radishes are quite tasty, and are a superior burp-generator. I recommend them highly, especially right before a night on the town.
So, I’ve always been strongly pro-vegetable. Fruit, on the other hand, falls into the ‘take it or leave it’ category. I like a lot of fruit, but don’t crave it or ever think about buying it. Toney buys grapes, or cuts up watermelon or cantaloupe. And I’ll eat it. It’s perfectly fine. But it just isn’t as good as vegetables. Not in my opinion, anyway. Vegetables are Bruce Springsteen, and fruits are John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.
Care to weigh in on this controversial subject? Use the comments section, above or below or wherever the hell it happens to be. Tells about the stuff you love, and the things you strongly dislike. Also, can you come up with a better example of burp fuel than a radish? Tell us about it.
Before I call it a day here, I want to bring you up to date on the paperback version of Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia. On Saturday I finally submitted all the files to Amazon, expecting the worst. With Crossroads Road we went through a frustrating series of rejections and revisions. I think they rejected it four or five times, and I was losing my grip on sanity. But, with the new book… they approved it without a single change. Crazy. They mailed me a proof copy, so I can see how the paperback will look in real life. And if it looks OK, it should be available for order by the end of the week.
As it stands, the ebook is available for Kindle, Nook, and Kobo. There are some funny stories from that first year. The one where I’m searching for a real old-fashioned barber killed me. I’d almost forgotten about it, but, man… that’s some good stuff. Check the book out, if you’re so inclined. It’s priced super-low.
And I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have a great day.
Support us by doing your shopping at Amazon! If you’re in Canada, here’s your link. Thank you guys!
Nothing better than a bowl of corn MFers!
Perfection!
Hey, Jeff. I just posted the longest comment that I’ve ever sent, cuz I actually had something to say/ask. And the site tells me that they dont have my name or email. Wish I had known that. Is it because of the transition back from maturity is for assholes, or whatever? Been following u for 8 years. Bums me out that I cant post a comment.
I feel the same way. I love me some vegetables but don’t really care one way or the other about fruit. I just realized that I didn’t know John Cafferty existed. I always assumed Bruce sang Dark Side. Guess I should pay more attention
Tomatoes. Love them cooked and made into sauce, but just sliced and on a sammich or salad, eh.
Not that I don’t eat them, but I don’t search it out. I think turnips are highly underrated, cucumbers give me the burps, and avocados suck.
Beets. I hate beets. They taste musty and a lot like dirt. I won’t go near them. And liver; I hate liver, too. There’s something chalky and dry about the texture of liver that makes me shiver; and that doesn’t even include the horrible taste. I don’t do any kind or organ meat at all. I hear people talk about fried chicken gizzards and livers and just the thought of them makes me want to hurl. And what about those people that eat cow tongue? Who ever came up with the idea to eat cow tongue in the first place?
Oh God, cow tongue. I used to date a guy who made tongue tacos (tacos de lengua). He cooked a tongue in a pressure cooker once and the stench was unbelievable. Once the tongue was cooked he peeled off this thick, wax-like layer that had developed over it during the cooking process. One of the most totally vile things I’ve ever seen.
I just gagged on my soda. That is downright friggin’ revolting! Blech!
My mom used to cook cow tongue in a pressure cooker. I don’t recall a stench or a thick wax like substance but I love beef tongue so maybe my memory is skewed.
Just last night we had a fruit themed conversation. My wife was in the kitchen getting some kind of fruit– plum, nectarine, peach, or somesuch (I wasn’t too terribly interested)– and asked if I wanted one.
I replied with my standard response when I’m not to terribly interested, “No thanks, that’s not my favorite.” She asked, quite sincerely, “What is your favorite fruit?”
It took me about a nanosecond to answer, “Roll-up,” because I didn’t want to expend the effort to weigh the pros and cons of fruits I have known in order to rank them.
I would have said Neil Patrick Harris
You can’t have a salad without some beets in it. Plus you get that fun “oh god I blew a kidney in my sleep” moment when you see your morning dump.
Parsnips for some reason aren’t popular here. Roasted parsnips are probably the best vegetable going.
We refer to “The Biggest Loser” as “Fat People Crying”.
OMG that is hilarious!
Gimme a can o’ corn and I’ll be alright.
Burp fuel: green bell peppers.
Oh hell yeah! Totally agreed.
Things I hate:
Brocolli, cauliflower, beets, turnips, radishes, celery, spinach (double gag), asparagus, peaches (OMG KILL ME), brussel sprouts, rhubarb, heart of palm (don’t know WTF that shit is, but it should be banned) avocado, pomegranate, blueberries, squash, rosemary, sage and thyme.
I WILL however eat a lot of broccoli if I’m pissed off at the wife. She gets to savor the ‘winds’ I create as a result.
I prefer to stick to the 4 main food groups, candy, candy canes, candy corns and BEER.
And I like me some French fried taters, mmm, hmmm
Burp fuel – Diet Coke. I dare anyone to guzzle 12 ounces of that stuff fresh out of the can and not feel like they’re about to split their esophagus.
Beets are horrid things, esp the phantasmically-colored pickled kind. How can people LIKE that stuff? If they’re being eaten just for the ‘morning after’ effect, then I’d take asparagus anyday because it works in like 10 minutes. Why delay gratification?
First off, hello! I only recently discovered your site and I’ve become quite the fan.
I’ve always loved fruits, but only recently started eating salads. Beets are such an under appreciated veggie. They verge on the right amount of bitter and lethal, but I’ll be damned if I don’t love the flavor. If you haven’t done so, I suggest slicing them into little chips, tossing them in some light oil, and baking them with a dash of salt and black pepper. They’re fantastic!
I can’t think of any vegetables I don’t like. I do love pickled things too (beets, okra, peppers, etc). When it comes to fruit I like all of it just fine but I find myself seeking out the things that are a bit more unusual than just apples, oranges, and bananas. I go for kiwis, pomegranates, star fruit, stuff like that. And I love blood oranges.
I could also be very happy with a diet that consist wholely of meat and I’ll sometimes go for weeks without any fruits or vegetables whatsoever.
I love mostly all fruits. If there is a fruit themed dessert item, I’ll choose that over chocolate. Pie, tarts, cobblers, oh hell yeah.
I like vegetables certain ways. I really only like asparagus if it’s been grilled with deep char marks. But under no circumstances will I eat Brussels sprouts. Tried them a variety of ways and just no… N.O. And I find kale to be the devil’s pubes. That shit is nasty.
I call “Dancing With the Stars” – “Hoofing with the Has-Beens”.
As a card-carrying carnivore, I view vegetables merely as a garnish. However, I do like some corn on the cob with my burgers. Green beans are a favorite as well. Potatoes are my all-time favorite, but they’re like the black sheep of the vegetable fambly, so I don’t even know if they count…
I’m right there with you on mushrooms, though. “Fungus” and “eat” should never appear in the same sentence!
I have no problem insulting my intelligence: I watched both political parties’ primary debates, for example. But I draw the line somewhere south of prima facie fake “reality shows” that contain the terms “hunting”, “flipping”, or “house”, so I have missed all the poofter vegetable fondling along the way.
However, I don’t understand why anybody except the Mayans and other tribal Mezoamericans would slice corn off a cob when God went to all the trouble to include a perfectly acceptable delivery system featuring a rotating core and disposable handles. If a person lacks front teeth (and we ARE talking reality shows here, so it’s not exactly out of the question), Clarence Birdseye solved the single kernel problem in 1930 with the invention of flash freezing.
I suspect the segment producers have the poofters slice corn because 1) it’s a nice camera visual, and 2) it’s phallic. But that’s just a guess.
I readily admit to watching Miss Julia Child beat the chicken on PBS, but I don’t recall her stripping the corn. She died at 91 with a nice set of choppers.
jtb
With regard to fruits and vegetables: I have a salad either for or with dinner about five times a week, year round, but I never forget that we developed opposable thumbs and tamed fire so we could eat ribs.
I will have to remember that for my 7 year old daughter who murmurs about being a vegetarian. I’m currently using the “look at where your eyes are in your head compared with a cow/rabbit/chicken” argument. Plus, aren’t these lamb chops tasty?
Thats it!! Lamb! Was racking my brain for the worst burp, thanks Limey. Ate the lamb and loved it and then burped and thought I would barf. Uggh bad memory.
Husband and I used to rename all the shows we watched. Getting old is a bitch “What you wanna watch? How about Face off? Castle? Drunk History?” Too slow to make up names now….or too drunk. If you haven’t found Drunk History go find it now, best concept on TV in years.
Veggies = yum. I love to make a salad at a Souplantation – a bed of spinach and spring greens with garbanzo beans, beets, red onion, sunflower seeds, celery, tomatoes, carrots, all doused with Italian dressing or 1000 Island. Goopy mess but delicious.
Fruits = yum too. All the summer fruits, such as, citrus, nectarines, mango, plums, plus strawberries, raspberries, blackberries. Apples, meh. Bananas, double-meh.
I guess I could do the vegetarian lifestyle, however, meat is also good.
Broccoli is the Devils toilet brush. In general most vegetables suck.
Greek salads with lots of feta and olives are pretty good.
My kids eat fruit like a flock of fruit bats.
Macaroni and Cheese vegetable, my favorite.
Call any vegetable (Call any vegetable)
Pick up your phone (Call any vegetable)
Think of a vegetable (Call any vegetable)
Lonely at home (Call any vegetable)
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
That a vegetable will respond to you-hoooo
Popcorn is a vegetable, motherfuckers.
So are potato chips! And corn chips for that matter.
I have no problem with at least 50% of the vegetable kingdom – except of course for the entire gourd family (squash, zucchini, eggplant, pumpkin – with the sole exception of pumpkin pie). However, fruits rock my world. Apples, bananas, plums, grapes, strawberries, blueberries, pineapple, and there’s really nothing better on earth than a perfectly ripe Bartlett pear.
I like most vegetables, especially broccoli. Asparagus, avocado, artichokes, all kinds of beans – luv them all. I don’t do cauliflower or eggplant. And of course I hate beets. My dad hated them; it’s hereditary. Mushrooms are good when used correctly. They are great in some sauces, but do not belong in (for example) chili.
Salad is good, especially when I make a balsamic vinaigrette to go with. If I’m really motivated, I’ll do the homemade bleu cheese dressing, which is mandatory for wings but good on salad too.
Fruit is mostly OK, but it’s not something I ever think to buy. The special nemesis fruit is the banana, which is more properly known as the Devil’s Penis.
Not a big fan of veggies. I have done the Paleo thing, however, and I discovered I also do not like huge quantities of meat. I guess I would say I am a bread person. That used to be a bad thing, considering I have to go gluten-free, but these days there are many great gluten-free breads and pastries. I could probably be happy to eat nothing but bread and cheese for the rest of my life.
Luvs me some giant salads 3-4 times per week. A great piece of fruit is always appreciated but in season only, otherwise they disappoint. Luckily here in AZ we get a second citrus season from South America. Those Chileans can grow a decent orange and they are not shipped nearly as far as to the Northeast so they can be very good. Almost every nutrient in fruit is found in various vegetables, though, without the sugar. Especially leafy greens (dosed like a French whore in blue cheese).
I have to admit – I love a good loaded salad but I can’t stand preparing it. All that dicing and chopping and shredding is a huge pain in the ass. Salad bars are my friend since someone else did all the work.
How’s your salt holding up?