Last night was extra-crazy at work. And right in the middle of the chaos a great idea for a future update, or something or other, popped into my head. “Yeah, I need to write that down right now,” I thought to myself. ‘Cause I have a habit of coming up with good stuff, and completely forgetting it within seven or four minutes.
And you can probably guess what happened. Yep, I can only recall the excitement, and nothing about what caused it. The idea (which was really good, and not just kinda good) is gone forever. I’ll never get it back… they never come back. And man, that bugs the everlovin’ shit out of me.
I have to be at work early today, for more leadership training. Today’s topic: conflict resolution. They’re supposed to provide us some new tools with which to resolve conflict. And I have a feeling it won’t include my preferred methods of knocking heads together like Moe, or starting sentences with, “Listen, fuckstick…” We’ll see.
Thursday is my weekend, so we’re going to put up the Christmas tree tomorrow night. My assignment: buy the Sierra Nevada Celebration. I’m confident I will be able to fulfill my obligations. I am quite accomplished in the art of purchasing beer, I really am.
And now I’m going to briefly bring you up to date on the Sunshine and Mumbles Christmas extravaganza…
Sunny won’t fly, of course. She’s convinced that every airplane is filled, simply filled, with exploding Arabs. So that’s out. Several years ago she traveled by bus, and I guess that was so traumatic, she’s never fully recovered. I’m not sure why they can’t rent a car, or a van, and drive. They used to make the long drive a couple of times per year. But that’s also not an option at this point.
So Sunshine and Mumbles come by train. And since they have no money, Nancy ends up paying for it. They ask us to contribute, but Toney always says “Ha!” in response. They should ask me, because I’d undoubtedly be an easier mark. But Toney has no problem saying “Ha!”
And get this… Last time they traveled across the country by train on somebody else’s dime, they didn’t care for the lack of privacy and the cramped surroundings. So, they insisted that Nancy buy them tickets for a private sleeper compartment, or somesuch. I’m not sure what it’s called, but they have their own bathroom, and a butler or some deal. I’m unclear, but it reportedly cost a breathtaking amount of money.
“You’re kidding?!” Toney hollered into her cell phone, when she learned of this latest concession. Apparently they have a man who tends to their every need, and rolls in a cart of food three or four times a day. I’m laughing, just thinking about it.
But get this… There was no direct train from Nevada, straight to Nancy’s front door. It’s shocking but true. They’d be required to change trains in Chicago, and then continue on to North (or is it South?) Carolina. But Sunny had a BIG problem with that. It would require her to put forth a little effort, and make sure they found the new train, etc.
So, the bitching began and Nancy offered to drive to Chicago and pick them up! From North Carolina!! So they wouldn’t have to move from one luxurious private room to another luxurious private room. Completely funded by someone else, for their benefit… Can you imagine the balls it would require to take someone up on such an offer?
But they did it, and Nancy drove up there (sixteen hours one-way), and brought them back to her house. And on the return trip they got hammered by a massive snowstorm, which required them to get hotel rooms (on Nancy’s tab) for two nights. Heh.
Apparently Sunny is being excessively difficult, as well. Just bitchin’ and complainin’ about everything. Nancy gave her some spending money (wtf?), and Sunshine kept whining about how cold it was inside Nancy’s van. So, when they stopped for gas, Sunny bought a sweatshirt (at a convenience store) that cost something like forty bucks. From the money Nancy gave her…
I guess they’re at Nancy’s house now, and I’ll have a lot more to report in the coming days. Nancy has already had it, and a giant argument is on the horizon. And it’s only December 8! Oh, this is gonna be good.
I need to go now, to learn better ways to resolve conflicts. Perhaps I’ll learn some techniques that might help us make it through the holidays this year?
I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day.
Ding fries are first!
YOU MOTHER FUCKER!
Sorry I thought today was gonna be my day to be first. 🙁
Oh Sunshine – how we’ve missed you!
Bring it on!
3rd, BTW.
Ho Ho Ho!!
What a bunch of douche bags man. How does your mother in law put up with it? Don’t they have a job? What happened to Nostrils three day work week? Sorry for all the questions I get a little pissed when people freeload off of their parents. I have a sister who is 40 something and still hasn’t grown up either. Lazy bastards.
Sorry, wrong people.
can i get a delete button?
Oh, man. All my holiday wishes are coming true!
I CANNOT IMAGINE!!!! well actually i can my daughter would be like that. she literally REFUSED to use any type of public transportation to get to the airport on her last visit home. I had to take her in my car in the middle of a work day but it was worth it to make sure she boarded that plane and was safely returned to another zip code. Her living in another zip code is my conflict resolution.
I can’t wait to hear more. I just love Toney’s family.
…. on the first day of Christmas, the Surf-R gave to me: “The Sunshine and Mumbles Ride Free”
Now that they’re on the move, every update will be like opening a little door on an Advent Calendar – best Christmas gift ever!
YES! And tomorrow, behind Door #9?
You need a tape recorder like Michael Keaton had in Night Shift.
I hope the inlaws know that Amtrak has a habit of crashing trains.
I rode once from WV-NY. It was ok, but flying is the way to go.
I have never did the bus deal. That makes me think of two things. One, the first blog post on the first blog I ever read was about a woman who liked to give oral pleasure to men on Greyhound buses. And two, the story from a few years ago about the guy who cut some guys head off on a bus.
There’s a head joke in there somewhere….
It was pretty gruesome. Just a young guy really.
I saw a picture of the after effects… cannot unsee.
At the time Greyhound had an advertising campaign on that went something like “no one has ever heard of bus rage”
I guess now we have.
What a charming contribution I have provided here!!!
get some head, give some head.
Jeff this is the weekend I’m going to N.Y.C. for the first time. What is the name of the pizza place you frequent and what street?
Thanks in advance.
Welcome to my neighborhood!
Open to suggestions madz. Meeting my brother and sil for the weekend.
Touristy things? Historical? Fun? Christmas=y stuff? All the above?
Oh, and as a suggestion, I wouldn’t tell NYers your name is “Son of Sam” – we kinda had a problem with that name in the sumer of ’77!
A WVSR family Christmas. This might be the best thing I’ll get this year!!
My brother took a Greyhound bus from Central PA to Florida to visit his girlfriend many years ago. He had the best stories when he returned. (They were hilarious to me, since I didn’t have to live through it, but he was highly distressed.)
He was most distressed that each time he managed to nod off for a little while on the crowded bus, he would awake to have someone’s body parts resting on him for comfort. He awoke once to have a stranger’s feet in his lap from across the aisle. He awoke another time to have a stranger’s head on his shoulder.
One of my neighbors also hates flying, and so he goes for a train sleeper car when he travels… he told me that “It’s pretty cheap, only like $800 round-trip.” That’s to get from Atlanta to New York City, whenever he goes to visit his kids.
He’s not at all wealthy either, so it doesn’t make sense. My theory is that maybe he hasn’t flown since the 50s or 60s, and so he still thinks that airplane flights are a luxury that can only be afforded by wealthy business executives.
That’s like 600 more than it should cost to fly, and I’d rather spend 2 hours in a plane with achmed than 24 hrs on a train with sunshine.
Um, Jeff, I think you’re gonna need something a lot stronger than Sierra Nevada Celebration…..I’d suggest placing your Maker’s Mark in a Coke bottle & pounding it for sweet relief the moment that Soul Train comes bursting through the door. Make one for Toney & The Secrets while ‘yer at it. They’ll need it too!
All I can say is Yay for us & Boo for you. Oh, and while we’re passing the booze along, give a shot or two to Andy every once in awhile.
(And I don’t feel sorry for Nancy. If she gives the money up so freely she’s asking for punishment. She should take some lessons from Toney on how to perfect the “Ha!” scream)
Jeff,
Can we get an org chart of your family?
Hendy
I always thought that it would be cool to take the train, including a sleeper car, from LA to Seattle and then fly back. I looked into it and it was something like $1500!
Fuck everything about that.
Holy crap!! Gimme Gimme Gimme but never Give Give Give. Is Nancy on some kind of guilt trip or something? That’s the only reason I can possibly imagine as to why she would even suggest such a fetch-n-return trip not to mention all the $$$ she forks out. Fukkdat!!
Is anyone else thinking National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation?
This reminds me of the scene where he’s loading up 3, 4, 5 bags of dogfood… And also when all the relatives show up at the door.
I can imagine Jeff saying biting observations in a normal volume but being completely ignored by the intended recipient.
I agree with Melissa, pound it for sweet relief. I think that may be my new catchphrase.
heh heh – hot fuzz sound pound it.
SAID pound it… jeez.
Wow..that’s some sense of entitlement Sunny has there..
When my in-laws come for an extended visit, they bring food, booze, everything. I don’t mean a bag of chips, either. I mean honey-baked hams, smoked turkey and/or bacon, pecan pies. And they constantly apologize for being “an inconvenience”. But, they’re from Georgia, so maybe they just know how to act.
Cool in-laws are one of life’s little pleasures.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….
that little nugget of Sunny & Mumbles goodness only whetted my appetite. I can’t wait for more!!
Unfortunately, I know all too many people just like Sunny. Some are even sort of related to me. I don’t see much of them, for some reason…
Looks like it’s going to be an interesting two or three weeks!
Man if it’s off to this rough of a start I’m worried Nancy may send them packing before they get to NEPA (Northeastern Pennsylvania). I almost felt bad for Nancy for a moment.
Heh, I was just thinking they should be grateful they didn’t get dumped off at a bus stop somewhere and provided with tickets back home.
I’m new here. Do these people know their behavior is discussed here? Do they care?
Toney is the only famliy member on her side that knows of the website, to the best of my knowlegde. Nancy, Nostrils, Sunshine and Mumbles do not.
Seriously, holy shit. 16 hours…Gotta love in laws. This has inspired me to write my own family drama blog entry.
Jeff, with the way things are starting to sound I think your “conflict resolution” should involve headlocks and brass knuckles. Just saying…
Ben already got the Sierra Nevada Celebration. He drank the whole 6 pack with a ear to ear grin. I wish I could stomach beers like that, there’s nothing exciting to talk about when you drink Select 55…Cept I did have a whole Sunday Funday during the Bears game last weekend. We started off the morning by heading to a classy golf resort buffet in our PJ’s, started drinking at 9:30 am…went to our friend’s house and started pounding glass after glass of mimosas with Barefoot Bubbly. Mmmm….I put up the Christmas tree drunk off my ass from champagne and orange juice. Mmm…
Henderson, here ya go……….
Sunshine (Tony’s mother) likes to bitch about everything under the sun and is one ENTIITLED MOFO
Mumbles (Tony’s stepfather) hardly says a word and is barely audible when he does speak
Nancy (Tony’s sister) Every kind of “ist” known to the human species and never shaves anything on her body. Christmas wreath swimmer.
Nostrils (Brother-in-law) Closet fag and big ‘ol puss
The Translucents (N&N’s three fucked up boys) lives’ already determined/ruined
There, hope you’re all caught up.
Okay, curiosity’s killing me… define “Christmas wreath swimmer” please! 🙂
I am guessing this is a bathing suit bottom with pubic hair sticking out of the crotch area in every direction.
I’m sorry I asked. That’s a horrible mental image… Ack!!!
I’m glad somebody else asked. I was afraid to. Ick!
Reading about Jeff’s family reminds me that my In-laws aren’t as insanely dysfunctional as I once believed them to be.
About 12 years ago my company generously treated some of its employees to an all-expenses-paid trip to Mexico. We flew as a group and the girl I roomed with had pubic hair that extended past the “v” point onto her inner thighs. She shaved it, but it was horribly obvious that it was there when she was in her suit. It was like she had a perpetual 5 o’clock shadow down there. ICK.
I’m not surprised a reader up thread presumed that Nancy was the mother-in-law, rather than the reverse. Nancy and Sunshine are in total role-reversal mode.
I can only guess that Nancy owes a tremendous debt to her mom, and is willing to put up with her shenanigans to pay it off. Maybe Sunshine paid for her education, or helped beyond the call of duty with the child care . . . there’s definitely a back story hear.
Speculations?
I saw Silver Streak. Looked like a fun train ride to me. Too bad about Jill Clayburgh though.
I rode a Greyhound from SC to WV. You would think that would be a short trip. Took 16 hours and I think they were picking people up in front of their houses. And the girl sitting next to me fell asleep with her head on my shoulder. Could have been worse I guess. Could have been Bundy or the Unabomber.
Do you know what the Unabomber and a girl from WV have in common?
They were both fingered by their brother.
As a girl from WV this offends me. As a regular person, it’s pretty funny.
Everybody changes trains in Chicago. And as far as I know, it is an operation that only involves moving around (and killing time) inside one large depot now. Fifty and more years ago there were four or five stations scattered around the city, and depending on your destination and what railroad was taking you there, you would have to taxi between them with all your luggage etc. Guess it was quite a hassle.
And, if you have a sleeper, that’s first class. You get to chill in the first class lounge in Chicago. I’ve done it. You grab a free beverage, a comfy chair, and chill until your train leaves. They transfer your bags for you, too.
I recall a Sunshine and Mumbles trip where they wanted to drive (a van?) but it needed major repairs first, so they asked for Toney and Nancy to pay for all this shit, and then the van broke down somewhere and they needed more money to get it fixed, and they had to stay in a motel for like a week. I don’t remember if they ever made it to Jeff’s house or not, but Toney threw in the towel on the funding somewhere along the line.
Oh Yeah!! Wasn’t that last year’s holiday? Hmmm, time for investigating! (For someone else, hopefully…I’m tired and in desperate need of a drink. Is it 5:30 yet?!)
Ah, Jeff…
The prospect of a Sunny and Mumbles Christmas along with the rest of the grand gang of douches makes my nipples explode with delight. I will hoist my own Sierra Nevada Celebration, in what else?; Celebration of you, sir!!
Seems like this Christmas could be the pinnacle of comedy here on the WVSR. I, for one, am super excited to hear about the festival of kookery that is an S+M visit. Jeff, I would start drinking NOW, in order to properly prepare for all this insanity.
This why I started stoppin’ by 10 yrs ago…..bring it!!!!!!
I checked on that train fare, and all I can say is Holy Shit On Toast Points. That plus 64 hours of driving says there is definitely something going on with Nancy and Sunshine.
But it’s a visit from S+M! Comedy gold for us, but Jeff – I’ll add my voice to those that made the point earlier, “sweet alcohol eases the pain”. I’m not a bourbon drinker myself, but my buddies who are say that Blanton’s is pretty good.
Good luck, and stay sane.
.
Like WB in OH, I fear the main event will not happen due to a pre-mature fallout and seperation of the two kook tribes. Maybe we should start a pool?
Flying to New York on Saturday. Well, not actually flying, that would be ridiculous, but sitting on a big fuck off plane that hopefully will be doing the flying for me.
Thanks for mentioning exploding Arabs Jeff. That puts my mind at rest! Mind you, as I’m coming from London at least it’s a low risk flight I supp…. Oh shit.
While I’m at it, I was wondering if anyone can tell me how much beer is in NY and what comes recommended? I worry about things like this.
I couldn’t quote prices offhand, but expect beer to be fairly expensive for anything good. But at least the sales tax is high. And if you smoke, be aware that cigs are something like $10 a pack nowadays.
As for finding a bar, I liked the Blind Tiger when I was there (8 years ago!). Try checking http://www.nycbeer.org/bars.php or yelp dot com, which will make you click through some city selections, etc.
Have fun in NYC – it’s a cool town with several lifetimes’ worth of entertainment available, even if you never leave Manhattan. Hint: don’t rent a car; take cabs or the subway.
.
Cheers for the info Chill.
I’m really looking forward to it. It’s my second time in the States, we did Vegas last year and I loved the place and the people.
If the beer’s expensive I will just have to give up on the non-essentials like food instead. Failing that I reckon I could get a tenner for my wife. (If she reads this I’m dead)
you dead
No missus, it wasn’t me, I never said it, honest! Aaargh, not the face!
I’m going to NYC for the 1st time this weekend too.
SOS…
Stay away from any line of fire surrounding Mark and watch out for sharp objectes anywhere around Mark’s crotchal area. Other than that, it’s a safe city. Have fun.
jtb
I’m sure we will bump into each other mate, I mean. it can’t be that big a place can it?????
I love my mom but I’d tell her to enjoy xmas in chicago.
But my parents would have flown.
Las Vegas to SC, or is it NC $320 per person and a total of 9.5 hrs in the airplane total on Southwest.
My sister, a couple of her kids, and I gave my mom money for gas to see us for Thanksgiving. I don’t mind helping my mom out, she’s worked all her life and supported me. She’s 65 and draws disability so she’s always on a tight budget.
Good for you, Valentin. Crazy or sane, drunk or sober — families matter. Glad you got to see Mom.
jtb
I second John’s kudos!!
My husband’s Great-Grandmother will be 97 years old the day after Christmas and is still going strong, lives on her own, and takes care of herself up in Oklahoma (her husband of 60+ years died more than 10 years ago). She drives locally around her small town, but can’t drive long distances so my MIL drives up there 3-4 times a year and picks her up and brings her down to visit the rest of the family. It’s about a 4 hour drive each way. EVERY TIME she complains about the gas money and how her sister doesn’t help her out and how her mom offers to give her $100 here and there for gas (to which she argues doesn’t even make a dent in the bill). The last conversation she and I had was right after Thanksgiving and she even mentioned the cost of the food her mother eats when she’s here.
Seriously?
Just a side-note, but my in-laws don’t have money problems, and I’m guessing that a 97-year-old woman isn’t going to be eating anyone out of house and home.
During the aforementioned conversation, my MIL stated that after her mom dies, she’s going to seek restitution from her mother’s estate.
Sweet, eh?
I think if you’re lucky enough to have your mother in your life when she’s 97, healthy, self-sufficient, and independent, you should be HONORED to be able to drive 4 hours and pick the woman up to spend some time with her. It PISSES ME OFF that she can’t even see what a blessing she has been given.
Anyway…that’s my rant. 🙂
Good for you Valentin, for honoring your mom.
As for Jeff’s MIL and her husband…that’s a whole ‘nother story. I’m a “Ha!” person, just like Toney. I wouldn’t even give them a quarter to call someone who cares.
Some people can’t see past their own nose. It’s a shame. My Mother died about a year ago and I would pay to have her back. Honor your Mommy.
Chuck:
True Dat!
My mom passed away about 2 1/2 months ago. I am damn glad that I did not take her for granted when she was here, because sure do miss her now.
You only get one Mom.
I had one of those anger classes once. The guy made everyone close their eyes and pretend to hold a balloon. Then he said in a real faggy and whispery voice, “Imagine all of your anger filling up the balloon. All of your rage is inflating the balloon. Now. Let the balloon go and imagine that all of that anger floats away where it’s consumed by the sun.” Some people claimed to feel better.
I didn’t feel better at all. In fact I was madder than hell. I wanted to stick that freak in the neck with a screwdriver.
I’m with Ognir. Get a little dictaphone. Can’t you get ones on watches these days? I’m sure James Coburn had one in ‘In like Flint’, and that was a bout 35 years ago! Of course you’d need to start any reminder with ‘note to self…’ , but this would only add to the mystique.
S&M seem breathtakingly selfish/mental. That’s some kind of crazy right there!
get a Nixon ‘Dictator’
http://www.nixonnow.com/dictator/
I think that audio of this nutbunch on here would ruin things. Jeff gives a great description of their kookiness and I’m fine with that.
I am very happy that nancy is already getting torqued up. Other peoples misery is very important to me right now.
Jeff you need an I-Pod with a record feature, not for N&N and the gang, but for your good ideas.