I don’t have anything coherent for you guys today, I’m afraid. I’m flipping through my notebook here and it’s going to be mighty difficult to build something useful out of this sad collection of scraps. But I’ll do what I can…
Last weekend I underwent emergency hair reduction surgery at a local Supercuts, or whatever the hell. The guy who performed the procedure glided around the place, barely touching the floor as he walked. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn he had a tattoo on his right shoulder that said: Born to Style Hair! Wotta poof.
Anyway, he asked a question that always confuses me. At the very beginning he sprayed me down with water, and started combing my Bobby Brady ‘do. Then he said, “How long’s it been since your last haircut?”
Why do they need to know this? It’s a question commonly asked, but I don’t understand the relevance. How is that information going to help them in their work? If it’s been five weeks, as opposed to six, does that make a difference somehow?
When I go to Subway and order a BMT, the sandwich engineer doesn’t stop, tap his chin and say, “How long since your last hoagie?” Same goes for the post office. The clerks never ask about my stamp-buying habits, they just hand the damn things over.
Next time I think I’m going to refuse to answer the haircut question. Because it’s starting to piss me off.
Toney and I sent my parents a selection of Omaha Steaks for Christmas, and now they keep calling here. Not my parents (they never call), but Omaha Steaks.
They’re aggressive sumbitches… I use caller ID to avoid them, as best as I can. But I’m starting to worry they’ll get frustrated and dispatch a “closer,” a person skilled in “changing minds.”
They call literally five or six times a day. It’s insane, like something out of a Bentley Little novel. I’m afraid we’ve been assigned to an unbalanced, possibly deranged telemarketer of meat.
Is that paranoid? ‘Cause I’m sometimes accused of paranoia…
While driving to work earlier in the week I performed an analysis of the cursing I do in front of our kids. And it seems most of the words I now use are at least loosely associated with the ass.
I frequently shout ASSHOLE! while driving, for instance, and use many custom-built phrases, such as “get out of my way, you turd-juggling piece of shit!!” You know, that sort of thing.
It wasn’t a conscious decision, but it seems like my cussing has taken a definite assy turn since kids entered our lives. Ass, and ass-products.
In the old days I used the f-word quite a bit, but almost never say it anymore. I had no problem with it in 2000, but in 2009 it sounds kinda trashy to me. Neither of our boys have ever heard me use the word, even though I’m frequently ranting about something or other.
If you have kids, how do you calibrate the profanity-flow around them? Or do you bother? I know people who let it all hang out, and also a few who claim to never use “bad words” around their kids. I’m somewhere in the middle, a-shouting about turds and whatnot.
What are your feelings on this one? Have you done an analysis? Tell us about it, won’t you?
Before I call it a week, I have several new Smoking Fish sightings to share with you. Right here. Thanks folks! Keep ’em coming, because our logo, man, he gets around.
And since we’re on the subject… If you’ve sent pics and I never posted them, please re-send. I’m not exactly organized when it comes to email, and things sometimes get lost. Ahem. So, please re-send to jeff [at] thewvsr.com
And about the t-shirts: I’ve decided to continue taking orders until 4 o’clock. A couple of last-minute transactions took place at 11:58, or whatever, so I’m going to extend it a bit. But after 4 it’s over. Only pre-ordered shirts will be shipped, I’ll have no extras.
Here’s the order page, for the last time.
Finally, I have something extra-special for you guys. It’s a story written by a man in South Charleston, WV, which is very near Dunbar, where I grew up.
He apparently posted a version of it to his Facebook page, and a reader sent it to me and suggested I reprint it. I read it, liked it, and exchanged a few emails with the author.
Chuck Gentry is his name, and he’s given me permission to share it with you folks. And here it is. Check it out, I think you’ll enjoy it.
And that’s going to close out the category. I hope everyone has a great weekend.
I’ll be back on Monday.
He wants to know how long it has been between haircuts so he can estimate how short you like your hair to be cut. What you say and what you mean are often two different lengths.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omaha Steaks Sumbitches – you need to answer the phone once and tell them to F-off. They tend to not call back after that.
3rd? doesn’t matter I’m still thrilling in the vaginal area.
Omaha Steaks used to call me all the time too- Then I told then we turned vegetarian and they never called again.
Oh- 4th
The name says it all about my cussing habits. The little one takes after the wife and uses the “S” word appropriately. She is so proud. If he had said the “F” word I would be in a world of “S”
My barber usually just asks “how short do you want this shit”?
YAY!! A tasty Friday update. Have a Great Weekend!!
I once saw a “Mother” scream at her crying toddler “fucking shut up you cunt”. Yeah, that child’s going to grow up well.
mmmm, a bit spare, but some nice imagery, especially the ranting!
My boss, or BC, cusses openly in front of her kids. And then wonders my they speak to her the way they do. Well, duh!
I appropriated Bill Murray’s epithet from Ghostbusters: “Mother Pus Bucket.” Man, that is fun to say anytime, whether you’re in front of kids or not.
I say shit and fuck for one reason, and one reason only – people do.
Hey, Jeff, I know it’s a lot to ask, but any chance I can get my shirt by March 16th? I want to sport it in Italy.
I seem to have an unconscious filter on my mouth around children. I don’t try to stop swearing, it just seems to happen. Not that I’m around said children often, mind you. We have more dogs in San Francisco than kids under 18. As soon as one of my friends has kids, they move across a bridge somewhere. It’s kinda like leprosy like that here – and I’m not complaining.
Happy Friday, Surfers! Have a great weekend!
Our barber in my small town when I was a kid was a former Marine in WW2. If you sat really still in the chair and didn’t squirm around making it hard for him to do his job he would let you look at his snapshots he took of dead Jap soldiers with arms, legs and heads blown off. Believe me the kids sat still. I mean who wouldn’t want to see those pics? That was better than a Tootsie Roll Pop anyday.
I cuss in front of the Things, but do rein in the eff word. Not that I’m speckling conversation with filth, mind you, but the occasional epithet does fly loose, particularly when we’re running late to school in the morning. Again.
I like the notebook-emptying posts. They’re just like the good ol’ days around these parts!
Fuckin’ A baby……. top 20…..
I have tried very hard to compartmentalize the at-work lanuage and the at-home language. I was in the restaurant business for many years and there the F-bomb is used for everything; a noun, verb, adverb, etc. My current workplace is consumed by adult vocabulary. Once in the car with the whole fam (the Boss o’ Me and the Angels), someone cut off our vehicle. I instinctively dropped the C-bomb, not remebering the company. Mortified, I turned to my wife and apologized profusely. We have never spoken of the incident again.
Rusty, cool story.
I pretty much constantly mutter curses under my breath with an occasional tourettes moment. I say Shit often. Good that I don’t have kids or I’d have some foul-mouthed kids, which I would find hilarious. Tanner Boyle is one of my favorite characters in movies. Ruth Gordon’s “Ma” from Any Which Way But Loose/You Can fame is a favorite. Old ladies and little kids swearing crax my ass up.
Jeff, Have you signed up on the Do Not Call list?
http://www.attorneygeneral.gov/dnc.aspx
I swear constantly in front of Der Boy. In our house there is an unspoken understanding that “adult” language is to be used by adults only, no exceptions (kinda like the Parker family in Christmas Story). The word fuck must pass my lips 100 times a day, but if Boy says it, even once, life as he knows it is about to come to a crashing halt….
As a child I remember my cousin asking my uncle “why can grown ups swear and kids can’t?”. My uncle reached over, belted him right across the face and said “that’s why!”. Seems fair to me.
I let alot of cursin fly off my lips. But I do avoid saying nasty ones. But the eff word often flies out of my mouth. But I have never heard any such words cross their lips and often tell on each other for saying crap. I’m not sure why they believe its a cuss but whatever.
Old Man: Why do you call your dog porky?
Little Boy: Cause he fucks pigs.
I dropped the first F-Bomb on my only child when he was 17, I believe, at about 3:45 a.m. after calling his cell phone every few minutes for 3 straight hours. I think he said later that he had 50 or 60 missed calls. Whatever. I believe he figured out quickly he best be getting his ass home.
For a few years after, it ended up being used like my mom used my full name when I was growing up–if I heard Vicki Maria come out of her mouth I knew I was in fairly deep shit. Now he’s 24 and has heard the f-word so much from me it barely makes a ripple.
I hate Omha steaks. I have told them to stop calling me several times. I am also on the do not fucking call list. Ya see how good that works. Next time I am gonna use an air horn from my boat. That might get their attention. And no I don’t swear…
A Friday update? WTF!!!
I grew up with swearing around me. As a kid, the only swear I was “allowed” was ‘shit’, but it had to be valid. No dropping it just to test the waters. So as far as I’m concerned, swear all you want. I find it silly when people go out of their way to use fake swears to cover up.
The seance brought back memories, it captures the general shenanigans kids pull with each other. Well written.
i swear in front of my children regularly my ten year old corrects me for it. my 17 year old rarely swears in front of me though. Only if she is displaying personality number 2 or 4, 1 and 5 don’t cuss at mom. i try to not swear at the children but this also depends greatly on which personality is ruling the eldest at a given moment.
oh and once again hi Tony Sinn.
My oldest is 20 and in the Marine Corp, so I don’t think anything I could say would or could make an impression.
I’ve become more liberal with the 15 yr. old. I overheard him on day while he was playing an interactive game on the computer.
All the players wear headsets and can “communicate”
with each other. I actually had to intervene and tell him to tone down his language a bit. He was sounding like a 20 year old Marine.
I have never said the c word or heard it used in my presence: I reserve the f word for when I am really wanked off. My son knows the difference in my sparing use of the f word and my husband’s constant use of the f word.
I do not even find it necessary to say “shit” very often. Unless I gotta go take one.
The football coach approached my husband at a meeting the other night and said the track coach and told him that my son got in trouble for swearing at practice. The football coach said he thought, “Oh good, he’s coming out of his shell a bit.” My husband said, ” Oh ,you don’t know him very well yet, he swears like a sailor at home. We’re working on appropriateness.” Then my husband admitted it was all him–and coach admitted to swearing at home, too.
Who knew football coaches swore?
When I was a baby (2-3 years old) I had a plastic toy horse that had a Native American rider. His name was Cochise, the famous Apache leader.
My parents were having a dinner party with a house full of guests.
I was told that I was sitting on the living room floor attempting to place
Cochise on the horse and he kept falling off. In front of my parents and all of their guests, I clearly and plainly said “that bastard”, much to the chagrin of my parents.
It’s been downhill since then.
My youngest Angel was at Mother’s Day Out at the local Baptist church when she was around 4. She dropped something, stamped her foot and said “Dammit!”. At least she used it in the correct context.
Geez, my dad use to coach a softball team and he was in every respect like Bobby Knight on the field. We quickly learned to stay in our chairs when he went on a rant. At home, it was only when bill collectors called after 6PM.
few yrs ago my friend john was walking with his grandson, mike,
grandpa not walking fast enough, so he turned around and said ”hurry up you old bastard,”
when he got home grandma asked if he corrected mike for that.
grandpa said ”hell no, i was laughing too hard”
I swear like a tourette’s patient in my blog but tone it down in real life.
I try not to swear in front of my kids and I find that banging my head on something hard usually helps.
As for the hairdresser thing.
I always tell them it’s been a year since my last haircut but that’s common because it doesn’t grow nearly as fast as my pubic hair.
That normally shuts them up.
My first word was shit I am told. My mother uses it constantly. Gee, wonder where I picked it up from?
Our step nephew said shit in church. He was not even 2 yet. Good stuff!
JCIII
I hear ya on the whole video game communicating..my boy has woken me out of a sound sleep with his cursing and i’ve had to tone him down…having been in the military and working in the food business i am no stranger to the aforementioned c and f bombs but really…from a 16 year old
i grew up in a family that never, never swore. woe betide anyone who broke this unspoken rule. when i entered pharmacy school, i was one of five women in a class of 125. suffice it to say, i quickly became used to all kinds of foul language. i nearly caused a cluster of heart attacks at christmas dinner by asking someone to “pass the fucking salt, please.” fast forward. i was driving my grandsecret somewhere when someone cut me off. “oooh grandma.” my g.s.said,”you said a bad bad word.” thinking quickly, i said, “grandma said ‘bad luck’ i told that man it was bad luck to cut me off.” my grand secret thought a while and replied, “oh, that’s ok then—i just thought you said ‘fuck’ ” he was four years old at the time. times have changed!
I once saw a photograph of a Japanese solider who’d had his tootsie roll popped off by shrapnel.
I was 3 and telling my aunt and uncle the names of my goldfish. Everything was pretty much as they expected: Goldie, snow white….then I got to Fucko Ducko. They had no kids and found this to be about the most amusing thing ever. My parents had no idea where I had gotten that name from.
Then like Bill in PA, it’s been all downhill from there.
As per my wife, who’s in the hair business, “What Yo said.”
I like the seance story. I went to that school he mentioned.
My wife is an angel and never, ever uses cuss words. Once, when we were first dating, I was driving around San Francisco looking for some restaurant or whatever. That friggin’ city is full of “No left turn” signs. It was driving me nuts! I was dropping the eff-bomb like an ex-Marine. Later that day, my wife said to me “I think my ear is bleeding”. Not making the connection, I got concerned and began examining her ear. I asked her “Why does your ear hurt?” The reply – “To much Fuck.” I couldn’t stop laughing. And have trimmed the eff-bombs down considerably.
Grew up in a family where cussing was never heard. My fiesty grandmother once in a great while might come out with ‘Damn’, if she was really upset, but that was about it. I joined the Navy right out of high school, and quickly learned to ‘shut it off’ when home on leave visiting the family. I try to watch it around the grandson, but he picks up all kinds of stuff at his home. I just let him know that he can’t say those words in my house.
Jeff running low on topics? how bout this:
What businessess/professioness’/jobs are NOT at risk?
lemme give you two examples, at least:
#1 funeral homes.
dudes are still dyin, some cats (dudes) need the cremation, while other yahoo’s’ familes are buying caskets, still.
#2 tuxedo rentals
first see #1 (some funerals are THAT serious) next…and this rule goes a looong way. why buy it when you can rent it?
i can think of a few more, like mechanics…noone’s buying a new car these days, ‘don’t wanna payment’ so they just get their piece of crap fixed…and I breathe that exhaust.
what other jobs are NOT at risk?
We say all the nasty words with the exception of “cunt” in front of the kids, but… we do not say do the taking the Lord’s name in vain thing. See… for us relgious types, there is a difference, which helps those of us who otherwise cuss like sailors. 🙂
My wife yells at me regularly for cussing, but does not mind when I scream “cunt” at the TV if Hillary or Pelosi is on talking shit.
Thanks to PS3 & online play we now cuss in several different languages. Who knew PS3 was so educational.
I’ve tried to replace all cuss words with the word “buttfuck”. Examples:
Where’s the buttfucking remote?
Who in the buttfuck do you think you’re talking to?
I’m trying to read the buttfucking paper!
I’ll do it my buttfucking self.
My two year old said “fuck” because she overheard it on The Sopranos. I still remember what was said on the show – I found it somewhat funny:
A guy and his son are sitting on a hill looking out over a bunch of cows. The son says, “Dad, why don’t we run down there and fuck one of those cows?” The dad says, “Why don’t we walk down there and fuck all of them?”