• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

The West Virginia Surf Report!

  • Home
  • About
  • Best of
  • Books
  • Archives
  • Donate

Christmas Bonuses I Have Known

December 16, 2009 By Jeff 69 Comments

cbonusLast night at work we were each given an impossibly-large frozen turkey, and tonight they’re bringing in a catered meal for us.  My employer does a lot of little extra things like that, it’s fairly continuous, and I appreciate it.

Just a couple of weeks ago, in fact, my boss handed me a $50 Olive Garden gift card, for no special reason.  Just a thanks, he said.

Yeah, I realize it’s all part of some corporate strategy, to keep morale high, etc.  But what’s the point of being a cynical pain in the ass complainer all the time?  I just roll with it, and enjoy Root Beer and Pretzel Night, and the Hawaiian Luau, and everything else that comes along.

At tonight’s dinner they’ll undoubtedly give us some candy, and a stack of scratch-off lottery tickets.  They hand out lottery tickets every year, and a woman won thirty grand with one a couple of years ago.

Anyway, while I was making the bed today, I started thinking about the Christmas Bonuses I Have Known.  I feel like I’ve been pretty lucky with the corporate holiday gifts through the years, and also attended a few over-the-top entertainment industry Christmas parties.

So, I thought I’d do a quick recap, as an excuse for an update today, then turn it over to you folks.  What do you say?  Hello?  Well, anyway…

During my Atlanta record weasel years, the company always gave us an extra two weeks’ pay as a holiday bonus.  It usually appeared during the first week of December, and man, nobody was in a bad mood that day.

Two weeks’ pay is pretty generous, when you stop to think about it, and every employee received it.

They also threw a big party, and it usually devolved into drunken debauchery.  I remember a very religious, straitlaced woman on the dance floor one year, drunk off her ass and repeatedly thrusting her midsection at a terrified man from accounting.

It was one of the most mind-blowing things I’ve ever seen.

After we moved to California they started handing out the bonuses in January, for some reason.  It was the beginning of the end…  Ten years later our division of the company didn’t even exist anymore, not really.

But they threw some great parties out there.  One year they rented Six Flags Magic Mountain — the whole place.  And another time they had a full-blown carnival on an old movie lot in Burbank.  They even had elephants there, which the kids could ride.

The coolest part about the carnival was that it was held on the Warner Bros. ranch lot.  Toney and I walked around exploring, with beers in hand, and found a “neighborhood” of familiar houses.  Like the Bewitched house, and the Munster’s place.  Here’s some information.

Man, what a surreal experience, happening upon all that stuff.  I thought someone had spiked our drinks with LSD.

The CEO of our company also invited all home office employees to his Malibu mansion every December, for a spectacular throwdown.

Wow!  You should’ve seen this place.  It was on a hill overlooking the ocean, and was HUGE.  They had valet parking, fortune tellers, wandering magicians, incredible food, and an open bar every few feet.

One of Toney’s good friends was stumbling around drunk one year (white russians), with an unlit cigarette dangling off her lips.  She was going from patio table to patio table, asking people for a light.

When she approached a group of fiftysomething women, one said, “I’m sorry dear, there’s no smoking allowed.”

And Toney’s friend said, “Well, thanks for nothing, bitch!”

Not a wise move.  She was talking to the CEO’s wife, it turned out, and didn’t work for the company much longer.  She applied for a promotion a couple of months later, and was told to not even bother.  Heh.  She turned in her notice the next day.

Another year, when I wasn’t there, two guys were reportedly caught in one of the bedrooms engaging in some sort of gayness.  I’m unclear on specifics, and would like to keep it that way.

After I moved to Scranton I received NOTHING from my employer.  Well, I might’ve been copied on a company-wide email wishing us all a happy holiday.  But there were no kick-ass parties, or bonus checks.  NOTHING was the yearly haul, at that point.

However, I worked closely with one of our sister companies, and they gave me some cool stuff.  Like an iPod during the early days of those things, and a portable DVD player, when they cost about $750.

And that pretty much covers it.  I’m kinda rushed for time here (go figure), so I’ll turn it over to you folks now.

Use the comments link to tell us about Christmas Bonuses You Have Known, and holiday parties, as well.  We want to hear it all.

I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker

Treat yourself today at Amazon!

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on Pinterest

Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. t-storm says

    December 16, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    Debra,
    Working with Morgan Freeman ought to be cool though, right?

    Reply
  2. Joey Jo Jo says

    December 17, 2009 at 1:20 am

    When I worked for a franchised 7-11, years ago, the very cool boss would give us an amount based on service – up to about a hundred bucks after 4 years. A lot, when you’re making $5.75 an hour. Now, every year, my rat fink company who, granted, doesn’t have to give us dick, gives us a $20.00 Target gift card.

    Also, Knucklehead, there is, according to Google Maps, a Wal-Mart way the hell up in the NE of the city, on Beach street, as well as one in Brisbane, near SSF. Closer than the one in Croakland.

    Reply
  3. RNK says

    December 17, 2009 at 2:34 am

    Mrs. Wally – I feel like you’re giving the middle booger-hook salute to the entire holiday spirit….and I’m totally on board with that.

    Bonuses of Christmas past:

    – Law firm: swanky luncheon at a country club with booze and the afternoon off with pay. The group was pretty conservative so much to my dismay I had to be on my best behavior.

    – Outpatient Dialysis: $25.00 gift card to Meijer. It was a good 45 minute drive so I held on to that sucker for 6 months until i just happened to be in the vicinity.

    – Hospital: we got a fleece jacket with the company name embroidered on it. Beats the hell out of the massive patio-sized umbrella we got the year before which also had the hospital name on it. I think they’re just using us for cheap billboards.

    This year I’m expecting the best bonus ever….Jason’s penis pic. It’s going on my bedroom ceiling. I’m hoping he’ll strike a deal with the boss-o-us and throw in his clone a cock for $5 with purchase of the book.

    Reply
  4. clintcurtis says

    December 17, 2009 at 3:05 am

    Here’s a question for Jeff, and anyone else who might know: Where the heck is Buck????? Haven’t seen a comment from him in a while. Just wondering if he’s okay. He’s one of the good ones.

    Reply
  5. t-storm says

    December 17, 2009 at 3:39 am

    as far as buck goes, i’m guessing hunting, or hunting accident. either side of the accident part.

    Reply
  6. clintcurtis says

    December 17, 2009 at 6:27 am

    @t-storm…lol! I’m just hoping the divorcee next door’s biker boyfriend didn’t make short work of him!

    Reply
  7. Son Of Sam says

    December 17, 2009 at 7:43 am

    I “talked” to Buck last week he said he reads the WVSR about once a week and is real busy.
    Bonus this year same as every other for the past 19 years. $15 gift cert to Giant Eagle..But still have a job I guess.

    Reply
  8. bikerchick says

    December 17, 2009 at 9:20 am

    Wow. I should consider myself lucky after reading all of these (non)bonus stories…JEEZ!

    We get $250 (cash) and taken to dinner at a Japanese steak house in the South Side in the ‘Burg. Spouses/significant others welcome. We order off the menu….filet & lobster all around! Drinks included…I’ll take my usual double Jack-n-Coke, thankyouverymuch.

    Now, don’t get me wrong…I appreciate the above, but we still bitch. I work for the busiest plastic surgeon in the city. Cosmetic surgery is a cash, pay before you go under the knife deal. I collect the ridiculous amount of money that comes in weekly. Think the economy is bad? Come see the amount of chicks forkin over thousands for new boobs, tummy tucks and lipo before the spring/summer season.

    There are only two of us that keep this office running along with the office manager….which, incidently, is the doc’s wife…another story for another day. Two other girls have since left in the past couple years. When they were here, we still got $250. Now that they are gone, their work was dumped on myself and my cohort. Pay up baby. Like I have said before…the greed is palpable here. But I guess I should keep my big pie hole shut considering many others are doing a lot worse.

    My boyfriend has gotten about $2000 (taxed of course) each year for the past 4 years. This year he got a taxable $300. Effects of the economy.

    OK….I’ll shut the fuck up now. Merry freakin’ Christmas.

    Reply
  9. Drug Delivery Guy says

    December 17, 2009 at 9:43 am

    Heh, I thought I was the only one who has never received a bonus, unless you count the free t-shirt they used to give us at the Christmas (or Holiday) party each year. It was always a holiday themed t-shirt with the official logo on it, but I could never figure out why you would wear a holiday themed t-shirt in the summer. And man, you oughta seen the mad rush for the t-shirts each year. I said used to since they cut us off this year.

    But I did win a raffle they had at the party: an “Urban Samaritan tote bag (made from a recycled advertising banner by our homeless and in-need neighbors) and The Art of American Indian Cooking cookbook.”
    In yo face, suckas!

    Reply
  10. Pagan says

    December 17, 2009 at 10:09 am

    Always figured on his last day on the planet Buck will look at the Priest/Padre/Minister/Doctor/Loved one/whatever and say: “BuckOut”

    Reply
  11. Pagan says

    December 17, 2009 at 10:21 am

    @Steve.

    Dear, (insert your name here) Congratulations! a well wisher has enrolled you in the Erotic cheese of the month club! You will be able to go around the world with your favourite cheese, find new ways to appreciate why the swiss put holes in theirs and the French prefer triple cream! Enjoy your gift!
    T.Farty Mc Appleass.
    (Founder)

    Reply
  12. -- Steve says

    December 17, 2009 at 10:56 am

    @ Pagan, @ Farty

    Is Velveeta one of the exotic options? or is Velveeta only exotic in Jason’s mind? If not, I think I’d rather enroll in the Block of Velveeta a Month club.

    Reply
  13. [email protected] says

    December 17, 2009 at 11:44 am

    My christmas bonus…..that is funny this year. I’ve been on disability for 9 years. Thanks to our President for the first time ever there is no raises on Soc Sec in January. So, no christmas bonus for me.

    Before that I was self employed, so no bonus there either. Hmmmmmm, somethings wrong with this picture!!

    Reply
  14. Ognir says

    December 17, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    Knucklehead,

    That must have been cool. I have been following Wolfgang’s Vault since day one.

    You can see some of that Day On The Green footage in various rock films – such as Freedbird: The Movie.

    Great stuff.

    Reply
  15. Swami Bologna says

    December 17, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    Check out today’s “Further Evidence” link. Be prepared to laugh.

    Reply
  16. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    December 17, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    I’m not an anti-Christmas type of person by any means, but hearing Xmas carols make me feel a bit homicidal.

    Does that make me a bad person?

    Reply
  17. Laserboy says

    December 17, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Hey T-Storm I’m from the government and I’m here to help!!!

    Hell reading the WVSR at work is why I go there.

    Reply
  18. PAmike says

    December 17, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    i work in a finance type place currently and my first 2 years they had a big lavish party with “big name acts” like kool and the gang and KC and the sunshine band(apparently KC isnt dead yet? who knew?). I respectfully declined the invitation both years but i hear it was alright. no party this year for obvious reasons.

    no bonus anymore either -they cut that out after everybody complained their salaries were too low…so they just upped our salaries by the bonus amount and cut the bonus. ?! ahhhhh corporate solutions are great.

    Reply
  19. Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says

    December 17, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    I got my bonus today. $200. After tax=$167.25. That will buy Wally and I a few drinks en route to Texas and back!

    Reply
« Older Comments

Leave a Reply to bikerchick Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Now With Podcast!

Support Jeff And His Projects

Latest Tweets

  • I'm going to ATTEMPT to record a podcast episode now with everybody home. I have a feeling it won't go well.

    March 30, 2021 2:30 pm

  • Headline o' the Day: www.kark.com/news/newsfeed-now…

    September 25, 2020 3:29 pm

  • Now playing in the bunker: an obscure power pop gem from 1979. And the reason the English Beat had to put English a… twitter.com/i/web/status/13091…

    September 24, 2020 3:45 pm

  • Headline o' the Day: www.foxnews.com/entertainment/…

    September 24, 2020 3:28 pm

  • If you can't be interesting, be loud!

    September 24, 2020 3:19 pm

Facebook!

Footer

Get Social!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Search The Surf Report

Copyright © 2021 · Smoking Fish Media