• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

The West Virginia Surf Report!

Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

  • Home
  • About
  • Best of
  • Books
  • Archives
  • Donate

Christmas 2011: Officially Endured

December 26, 2011 By Jeff 36 Comments

For no sensible reason, our Christmas day started at 4 am.  The younger boy was the culprit, and Toney didn’t shut it down when she had the chance.  Before I fully realized what was happening… we were all downstairs in the middle of the night.

Getting up early on Christmas morning is standard, but 4 o’clock?  That’s a bridge too far.  And by 4:40 it was over.  All the gifts had been ripped open, and I was frowning into my third cup of coffee.  What the hell are we doing?!

But we somehow pulled it off.  The boys seemed to have a nice holiday.  To achieve this outcome I worked roughly 60 hours per week in late November and all of December, but that’s OK.  The kids seemed happy, and that was the goal.  You gotta do what you gotta do.

And the boy who woke all of us up at that ludicrous hour fell asleep before 10:00.  One minute he was on the couch messing around with his new Kindle Fire, and the next he was clear-cutting timber with his head thrown back.  Great.

I fell asleep later in the day, while sitting in a chair.  I dreamt I was on a train, and was self-conscious the whole time about snoring and making a spectacle of myself.  I’ve never traveled by train, and don’t really understand how I concocted such a scenario.  It wasn’t very restful, though, what with all the other “passengers” judging me and whatnot.

We had a nice breakfast, and I spoke with my parents and brother on the phone.  I ate a metric shitload of cookies, and ingested an ocean of Eight O’Clock bean coffee.  We spent plenty of time together, and it was good fun.  But by late-afternoon… I was like a caged animal.  I don’t do well just hanging around on couches, and that sort of thing.  I was losing it, man.

Around 4:30 I started mixing drinks, and that helped a little.  But I was still walking from window to window, like my grandmother during the final years.  I considered taking a walk, but it was freezing cold out there, so funk dat.  I wondered if the dive bar was open, with the 1967 wood paneling and the always-present menacing lesbian.  Of course it wasn’t…  Nothing in the world was open.

So, I just continued to sigh and look through windows, and absentmindedly shove oatmeal cookies into my mouth with the heel of my hand.

Eventually the booze started to take the edge off, and Toney and I settled in for a House Hunters marathon.  Hey, at least it was something…  And by the second episode I was dozing off.  We were completely exhausted, and threw in the towel before 9:00 pm.

And I was up again this morning at 5:00.  The calibration is wildly out of whack…  I have to return to work this evening, and will be dragging massive ass.  Already, I feel weird, like I’m underwater or something.  Fantastic.

How was your Christmas?  How is your calibration?  Wonder how the menacing lesbian is doing?

I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on Pinterest

Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Mrs L. Bangs says

    December 26, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Happy Boxing Day!

    Reply
    • greg t says

      December 26, 2011 at 8:17 pm

      Thanks Mrs L. Bangs You also. By the way who do you bang??

      Reply
      • Mrs. L. Bangs says

        December 27, 2011 at 1:46 pm

        Lester, of course!

        Reply
  2. JCIII says

    December 26, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Good Morning Surf Reporters!!

    Reply
  3. JCIII says

    December 26, 2011 at 10:34 am

    …for Christmas, I got $20 bucks worth of scratch off lottery tickets. Won $15. That was it.

    Reply
    • Vicki says

      December 26, 2011 at 11:18 am

      I got $100 worth and scratched $12 and 2 tickets. Evil State sponsored ripoff racket.

      Reply
      • BoMama says

        December 26, 2011 at 4:54 pm

        I got 24 and scratched $18.
        I’m rolling it over, baby!

        Reply
        • chill says

          December 26, 2011 at 8:58 pm

          The lottery is one of the few taxes that is optional. I elect not to pay it.
          .

          Reply
          • Westersteve says

            December 27, 2011 at 8:09 am

            I can’t recall who first said it but:
            “the lottery is a tax for people who are bad at math”

            Reply
            • Uncle Buzz in Wheeling says

              December 27, 2011 at 5:47 pm

              I think it goes like this:

              “Gambling is a purely voluntary, self-imposed tax on people who are really, really bad at math.”

              Exactly right, of course, but you’ll never get a gambler to agree with you.

              Reply
  4. Steve in WV says

    December 26, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    I was fortunate to sleep until almost 7, yesterday morning.

    I finally received a long-awaited tablet, which is an absolute nightmare to type with. I have tried the two-handed approach, the two-fonger, one hand approach, and even the traditional qwerty approach. It’s a bitch.

    On the bright side, i was finally able to order Crossroads Road for Kindle. I am looking forward to reading it later.

    Reply
  5. JeffInDenver(in Cleveland) says

    December 26, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Menacing lesbian? Did I miss something?

    Reply
  6. squawvalleyskip says

    December 26, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    I had to work Christmas. Went in at 11:00 Saturday to find the guy I followed left me a broken processing machine. It took longer to get his self-inflicted problems out of the thing than it did to fix the original problem. Some guys shouldn’t be allowed to have a tool box. And how the hell does a guy get to be an E-9 in the Navy in an electrical field and not know how to use a multi-meter. Definitely lower standards than I remember in the Army. Had to go back last night at 11 again. Two more days this week, then 3 days, (including new years Eva and Day) then I’m off for 5 days. Wife worked 12 hours at the hospital yesterday, too. I bought 3 Kindle Fires, adult daughter and two teenage granddaughters. And agreed to pay a large chunk of the rebuilding of son-in-law’s Harley motor for his present. Glad it’s only once a year. We always tell them not to get us anything, based on the premise that if we wanted anything we’d already have it. Also the reason we don’t buy each other anything any more. All in all, I’m just glad it’s done for 364 days. Another minute of Christmas music and I might well have made the national news in a not so good way.

    Reply
    • squawvalleyskip says

      December 26, 2011 at 3:23 pm

      That would be 11:00PM, I work nights. And it’s almost time to go to bed.

      Reply
    • Phil Jett says

      December 27, 2011 at 6:45 am

      As an E-9 he probably never touched a multi-meter the last 5-10 years he was in (depending on if he did 20 or 30). He probably spent all his time inspecting how clean the bilges were or writing up short-time E-6’s.

      Reply
  7. renn says

    December 26, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    I spent most of Christmas Day wishing that I was dead, thanks to the flu. My spouse and child had a great day, though. I have spent today disinfecting the house, in hopes that this is a virus that doesn’t keep on giving.

    I hope that the Nook Color ordered for my kid over a week ago finally arrives, as that was her ‘big’ present. Here’s hoping that the USPS actually follows through…

    Reply
    • squawvalleyskip says

      December 27, 2011 at 1:38 am

      You ordered a Nook Color from the USPS? I work there. Maybe I’d get a discount? Where do I order?

      Reply
  8. putski says

    December 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    I had a nice relaxed day and for the first time in living memory, didn’t over-eat. I had a 5L keg of Heineken, though, and that put a smile on my face for most of the day. It was the first Christmas in years that I didn’t have to work the night before, during or after so it was extra nice plus the first year my 5yr old daughter really got into the whole Christmas thing. All round, I give it 8/10.

    Reply
  9. Peyton Place says

    December 26, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Thanks for the report. I don’t feel so bad about my crappy Christmas.

    Reply
  10. dto says

    December 26, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    I met a questionable virgin named Mary at the strip joint next to this shit hole motel I’m staying in. She was ineed of dental work and needed foods money and a place to stay for the night. I offered neither for relief and felt quite smug in my superority.

    Reply
  11. loti in cbus says

    December 26, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    i am still recovering from the shock of eating christmas dinner in an absolutely filthy house i have no family in ohio so i went to my friends sisters house…omg there was at one point about 25 people in this ranch style house and it was beyond filthy..luckily the food was brought from other places…the toilet in the bathroom had dried shit all over the seat i walked out::this was the trashiest place ive ever seen ever…never again my friend was horrified…his sister has had to have just given up..if i had access to hard liquor i certainly would have poured over the place and lit a damn match..next christmas im staying home..

    Reply
  12. lori in cbus says

    December 26, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    dammit my previous post had the wrong name so its awaiting moderation dammit

    Reply
    • Greg says

      December 26, 2011 at 8:57 pm

      lori, you’re killin’ me! That was hilarious! Sounds like a bad marriage with lots of kids!

      Reply
    • Greg says

      December 26, 2011 at 9:03 pm

      And that’s why I always stay home, and alone, on New Year’s Eve. I never know what I’m going to run into if I go out, and I like it that way.

      Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      December 27, 2011 at 6:04 am

      lori…

      I had no idea your secret CIA name was loti. Either way, sounds like a tough, dirty Christmas. I hope New Years brings cleaner and brighter surroundings.

      john

      Reply
  13. greg t says

    December 26, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    I spent my Christmas day feeding people at a homeless shelter. 5th year in a row. The wife got two marriage proposals and I met the “Cardinal” from Boston.

    Reply
    • Greg says

      December 26, 2011 at 9:20 pm

      And people wonder why the psychologically impaired are homeless.

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        December 26, 2011 at 10:47 pm

        Yeah, I think it’s also the financially impaired. Thanks, greg t, for helping.

        As I recall, Jesus was homeless at birth and got stuck out back with the sheep.

        Merry Christmas.

        john

        Reply
  14. Tiff says

    December 26, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Kids spent the morning at their Dad’s, then were here at 4. THIS is a civilized pattern, if you have that option,. Our morning wa spent tidying up the house and yard, eating baked goods, and not showering until absolutely necessary.

    4 a.m. is no time to be awake on Christmas. I’d have been a grouchy mess the whole day if I’d had to awaken at that hour. Grrrr.

    Reply
  15. chill says

    December 26, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    Yeah, 4am = no good.

    I awoke xmas morning on a couch in Liberty, PA… having dreamed that there were a number of awake people around me talking (which was the case in reality, so OK). The other part of the dream was that an unfamiliar cat with short gray hair had taken a dump in my field of view, and then tried to cuddle up with me. The people who live in the house tell me that the neighbors have a gray, short-haired cat. Wee-yud, as they might say in New England.
    .

    Reply
  16. Phil Jett says

    December 27, 2011 at 6:50 am

    4am, wow. I got up at 8, wife at 9, daughter at 10. Our son came over at 11, we opened gifts and then started cooking the prime rib roast. Mom and sister showed up at noon, we ate at 2 and then hung out in the basement (finished) savoring many different types of alcohol until late into the night.

    A good time was had by all.

    Reply
  17. Bikerchick says

    December 27, 2011 at 7:53 am

    We had our annual Christmas Eve party. Invited roughly 40 people…20 showed. The ones that didn’t, never bothered to even respond one way or another to the invite. So we had enough food for an army and the people who did come “already ate”!! They also knew there would be quite a spread put out…so why the fuck would you eat before coming to a buffet dinner??

    Most left by midnight. However, my boyfriends neice and an asshole friend of his were still here when I got up at 8!!! I was fuming. THEN we had to take this dude home because he was too drunk to drive.

    Never again. I think I’m done with the Christmas Eve party. Second year in a row people didn’t know when to leave. It’s CHRISMAS not a fucking picnic.

    Once the inconsiderate assholes were finally gone, we had a great day. My boyfriend got me this here iPad. It is the coolest thing I have ever owned!

    Reply
    • Vicki says

      December 27, 2011 at 10:04 am

      Ain’t they though. I’ve been pretty adamantly anti-Apple for a long while, but the Boss gave me one for Christmas and I’ve totally fallen in love. I though my Android phone was the bomb–but this is special.

      Reply
  18. Tipsey McChugney says

    December 27, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Went to the xmas carol mass at the catholic cathedral on xmas eve. Very nice, as always. Woke at 5:45am on xmas morn, because my son was too excited to sleep. Opened presents and ate stollen until it was time togo to the in-law’s house for some xmas brunch and what-not, then took a little hike in one of the canyons. I made a nice xmas dinner and drank some xmas booze. Watched the Lemony Snicket movie before hitting the sack for the night. Good, mellow xmas this year. I don’t feel too out of calibration today.

    I am, however, extremely curious as to how the menacing lesbian is doing today.

    Reply
  19. Jason says

    December 27, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    We had a decent Christmas. My wife has it in her head that if the kids get more than $20 worth of crap they’ll be spoiled. I disagree. So they opened the bullshit she got them (a pack of gum, a bouncy ball, and some socks, I think) and I told everyone to pile in the big ass car for our annual Christmas morning trip to Waffle House. While she was herding the three kids into the car I sneaked into the garage and dragged out their REAL Christmas stuff. Little kiddy laptops, A battery powered tractor that the little boy can ride on and so on and so forth. Sure the wife was mad. But I proceeded to have some Christmas vodka, so she was able to change what she was mad about (considerate of me, don’t you think?) We went to an Aunt’s house and I’m pretty sure I was drunk enough to play grab ass with some of the single girls there. So, you know, happy birthday Jesus.

    We got several cards from Germany (wife is from there) and they loaded us down with $1,000 Euros! I’m not sure of the exact conversion rate at the moment, but I’m headed to the bank soon. I think it’s about $1,300 US at the moment. That’s more than enough for me to buy the $999.99 copy of “Crossroads Road” on Amazon. The $3.99 they’re charging for shipping almost made me walk away.

    Reply
    • Tipsey McChugney says

      December 27, 2011 at 3:02 pm

      $1,307.37

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Now With Podcast!

Support Jeff And His Projects

Latest Tweets

  • Fresh podcast action, available everywhere! From Milton to Madagascar. pic.twitter.com/V6M1cmQcSA

    November 3, 2022 5:46 am

  • Something new I'm trying: nonewjeffs.substack.com/p/im-n…

    December 2, 2021 4:11 pm

  • Only 182 days until Opening Day.

    September 30, 2021 2:37 pm

  • Check out this great story about a 16 year old Tom Bergeron talking to Moe and Larry on the phone during the early… twitter.com/i/web/status/14387…

    September 17, 2021 5:02 am

  • Dogs! surfreportpod.com/2021/09/16/e…

    September 16, 2021 4:07 pm

Facebook!

Footer

Get Social!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Search The Surf Report

Copyright © 2023 · Smoking Fish Media