Nancy was always the one who made excuses for Sunshine’s behavior. Holding people responsible for their actions is unsophisticated, in her view, and she always felt that Toney’s hard-line approach to the whole Sunny situation was, well, kinda mean.
But not anymore… After Nancy spent thousands of dollars to bring Sunshine and Mumbles, as well as the large brother, to the east coast for Christmas, and Sunny hung around Nancy’s house for two weeks… Well, Nancy’s gone completely over to Toney’s side. She admitted that Toney was right, and she was wrong. And that’s something that just doesn’t happen.
Probably because of the “antibiotics,” Sunny is now sarcastic and belittling – just right out in the open air. She’s perpetually full of rage, never satisfied, and spews insults and racial slurs throughout the day. She reportedly said “fuck” several times in front of the translucents, and made many, many inappropriate remarks – sometimes featuring crude sexual phrases such as “dick sucker.” Heh.
And she’s never happy, even if she’s doing what she wants to do. She finds some problem with every situation, and just bitches and bitches and bitches. She never thanked Nancy and Nossy for their large outlay of cash on her behalf, and criticized every little thing.
So, Nancy’s washed her hands of it all. Supposedly… By the time they got to Pennsylvania, she’d had more than enough, and stayed away as much as possible. And heck, I can’t blame her. Sunshine has always been self-centered and angry, but now it’s cranked-up even higher, and she’s added over-the-top nastiness to the act.
Toney went out and had a drink with Nancy, on one of the nights I worked, and she was supposedly saying things like “state-run nursing home,” and stuff like that. It’s amazing. Just a few months ago she was considering having an apartment built onto the back of their house, to accommodate her mother. Now she’s ready to turn her over to Nurse Ratched, or whatever.
But, of course, it’ll fade. Nancy can’t hold on to such feelings for long, and within a few months she’ll start being sympathetic again. It’s as predictable as a 7 am Mumble-dump.
On Christmas night Toney made a giant dinner again, and Nancy and the gang reconvened, briefly. The see-thrus had all their new LEGO sets, and, right on cue, the oldest one lost a single microscopic piece. He began freaking out, turned blood red, and was about to flip his crimson lid.
Nancy, looking a little panicked, began crawling around our living room floor, trying to locate the errant LEGO part, which looked like it belonged inside a ladies watch. Good god… That little weirdo was fixin’ to wish all of us into the cornfield.
I went into my office, and Nostrils was in the family room making a call. He was trying to “phone” someone named Martin – probably another super-close relative that nobody’s ever heard of – and having trouble tracking him down. He called information for a town called Ladysmith(?!), and wasn’t able to find this Martin.
Then I heard him call someone in Hawaii. I know they were in Hawaii, because he mentioned it two or three times during the message he left on their machine. “I hope you’re having a wonderful day today in Hawaii… Oh, how I wish I could join you folks for the holidays, there in Hawaii… It’s funny that I’m phoning all the way to Hawaii, to find Martin’s number…”
And that’s how I figured out he was calling Hawaii. I’m a regular Mannix, huh?
At the end of the rambling, douchey message, he said something along the lines of “awkooka-kaw-kaw” and hung up. What the hell? One the translucents said, “Poppa, what did you just say? That word at the end?” And Nostrils answered, “Oh that’s ‘Merry Christmas’ in Hawaiian.”
How much you wanna bet the recipient of that message was grinding his teeth and grimacing throughout? And then he probably made a jack-off motion with his right hand, then DELETE.
At dinner, Sunshine was yelling at Mumbles, because he didn’t eat his cauliflower casserole. There was a silver dollar-sized clump of it on his plate.
“Why didn’t you eat it?? Why are you leaving all that?” she roared.
“Why do you care? Do you want it?” Mumbles mumbled.
“No, I’d just like to know why,” Sunny continued, for no apparent reason.
“Jesus Christ! Are you going to make me say it out loud? I don’t like it! OK? I don’t like the casserole!!”
I just sighed, folded another triangle of ham into my mouth, and checked to see if it was too early to go to bed. I felt like I was with Mr. and Mrs. Costanza now.
After dinner I walked into the living room, with yet another beer in my hand, and the formerly blood-red translucent was talking with Toney’s brother. And as I sat down, the kid said, “Oh yes, and it turned out to be a wonderful solution.” I have no idea what he was talking about, but I do know one thing: nine year old boys aren’t supposed to talk that way. Wotta freak.
Soon, the Nancy party left again, and everybody started dozing off on couches. At one point Sunshine jerked awake, and yelled, “Who?!” WTF? Nobody had said anything.
At nine o’clock, I went to bed. And by 9:03 I was clear-cutting timber. Sheesh. It had been the longest of long days, and I think I slept about two hours the night before. On account of the high-heat coming up through the floorboards…
And I didn’t see Nancy or any of her brood again. They left on Monday, and didn’t come around on Sunday until after I’d gone to work. For some reason I had it in my head they were leaving on Tuesday, so I didn’t really say goodbye to Toney’s brother either. I’m sure he was devastated.
They all went to the mall on Sunday afternoon, and you know that poofter who chases people down with samples of hand lotion? Well, I guess he had the day off, and a “Mexican woman with a big ass” was filling in. Toney’s brother apparently thought she was flirting with him, and ended up buying more than fifty dollars worth of products from her.
Ha! That dude barely bathes, and he’s buying-up body scrub and moisturizers, and such? Hilarious. I hope the body scrub came with a hand-roller and paint pan, because he’s got a large area to cover.
When they got home, Sunshine (who had bitched relentlessly through the entire outing), went into a cabinet, grabbed the handle of my Deadwood mug, and yanked. She pulled three or four other mugs out with it, and they came crashing down onto the counter.
“What the hell?” Toney yelled.
“I wanted this mug,” Sunny said.
“So you just ripped it out of there? If you broke it, Jeff’s going to be really mad…”
“Oh, is this Jeff’s special mug? Does he have his own special muggy wuggy?”
Yep. State-run nursing home…
Nancy, her family, and Toney’s brother left early on Monday, before I’d gotten out of bed. I worked the night before, and slept until around 10 am. So, we were down to two: Sunshine and Mumbles. I have no problem with Mumbles whatsoever, but that Sunshine character… I didn’t know if I could endure another whole week with her.
But, of course, I made it. She’s now gone, and I’ll probably tell you some additional (but similar) stories on the main page. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about Christmas 2010 at the Surf Report Compound. It could’ve been better, if Nancy had come around more. But, like I said… I don’t blame her for staying away.
Thanks for reading, my friends!