Nancy was always the one who made excuses for Sunshine’s behavior. Holding people responsible for their actions is unsophisticated, in her view, and she always felt that Toney’s hard-line approach to the whole Sunny situation was, well, kinda mean.
But not anymore… After Nancy spent thousands of dollars to bring Sunshine and Mumbles, as well as the large brother, to the east coast for Christmas, and Sunny hung around Nancy’s house for two weeks… Well, Nancy’s gone completely over to Toney’s side. She admitted that Toney was right, and she was wrong. And that’s something that just doesn’t happen.
Probably because of the “antibiotics,” Sunny is now sarcastic and belittling – just right out in the open air. She’s perpetually full of rage, never satisfied, and spews insults and racial slurs throughout the day. She reportedly said “fuck” several times in front of the translucents, and made many, many inappropriate remarks – sometimes featuring crude sexual phrases such as “dick sucker.” Heh.
And she’s never happy, even if she’s doing what she wants to do. She finds some problem with every situation, and just bitches and bitches and bitches. She never thanked Nancy and Nossy for their large outlay of cash on her behalf, and criticized every little thing.
So, Nancy’s washed her hands of it all. Supposedly… By the time they got to Pennsylvania, she’d had more than enough, and stayed away as much as possible. And heck, I can’t blame her. Sunshine has always been self-centered and angry, but now it’s cranked-up even higher, and she’s added over-the-top nastiness to the act.
Toney went out and had a drink with Nancy, on one of the nights I worked, and she was supposedly saying things like “state-run nursing home,” and stuff like that. It’s amazing. Just a few months ago she was considering having an apartment built onto the back of their house, to accommodate her mother. Now she’s ready to turn her over to Nurse Ratched, or whatever.
But, of course, it’ll fade. Nancy can’t hold on to such feelings for long, and within a few months she’ll start being sympathetic again. It’s as predictable as a 7 am Mumble-dump.
On Christmas night Toney made a giant dinner again, and Nancy and the gang reconvened, briefly. The see-thrus had all their new LEGO sets, and, right on cue, the oldest one lost a single microscopic piece. He began freaking out, turned blood red, and was about to flip his crimson lid.
Nancy, looking a little panicked, began crawling around our living room floor, trying to locate the errant LEGO part, which looked like it belonged inside a ladies watch. Good god… That little weirdo was fixin’ to wish all of us into the cornfield.
I went into my office, and Nostrils was in the family room making a call. He was trying to “phone” someone named Martin – probably another super-close relative that nobody’s ever heard of – and having trouble tracking him down. He called information for a town called Ladysmith(?!), and wasn’t able to find this Martin.
Then I heard him call someone in Hawaii. I know they were in Hawaii, because he mentioned it two or three times during the message he left on their machine. “I hope you’re having a wonderful day today in Hawaii… Oh, how I wish I could join you folks for the holidays, there in Hawaii… It’s funny that I’m phoning all the way to Hawaii, to find Martin’s number…”
And that’s how I figured out he was calling Hawaii. I’m a regular Mannix, huh?
At the end of the rambling, douchey message, he said something along the lines of “awkooka-kaw-kaw” and hung up. What the hell? One the translucents said, “Poppa, what did you just say? That word at the end?” And Nostrils answered, “Oh that’s ‘Merry Christmas’ in Hawaiian.”
How much you wanna bet the recipient of that message was grinding his teeth and grimacing throughout? And then he probably made a jack-off motion with his right hand, then DELETE.
At dinner, Sunshine was yelling at Mumbles, because he didn’t eat his cauliflower casserole. There was a silver dollar-sized clump of it on his plate.
“Why didn’t you eat it?? Why are you leaving all that?” she roared.
“Why do you care? Do you want it?” Mumbles mumbled.
“No, I’d just like to know why,” Sunny continued, for no apparent reason.
“Jesus Christ! Are you going to make me say it out loud? I don’t like it! OK? I don’t like the casserole!!”
I just sighed, folded another triangle of ham into my mouth, and checked to see if it was too early to go to bed. I felt like I was with Mr. and Mrs. Costanza now.
After dinner I walked into the living room, with yet another beer in my hand, and the formerly blood-red translucent was talking with Toney’s brother. And as I sat down, the kid said, “Oh yes, and it turned out to be a wonderful solution.” I have no idea what he was talking about, but I do know one thing: nine year old boys aren’t supposed to talk that way. Wotta freak.
Soon, the Nancy party left again, and everybody started dozing off on couches. At one point Sunshine jerked awake, and yelled, “Who?!” WTF? Nobody had said anything.
At nine o’clock, I went to bed. And by 9:03 I was clear-cutting timber. Sheesh. It had been the longest of long days, and I think I slept about two hours the night before. On account of the high-heat coming up through the floorboards…
And I didn’t see Nancy or any of her brood again. They left on Monday, and didn’t come around on Sunday until after I’d gone to work. For some reason I had it in my head they were leaving on Tuesday, so I didn’t really say goodbye to Toney’s brother either. I’m sure he was devastated.
They all went to the mall on Sunday afternoon, and you know that poofter who chases people down with samples of hand lotion? Well, I guess he had the day off, and a “Mexican woman with a big ass” was filling in. Toney’s brother apparently thought she was flirting with him, and ended up buying more than fifty dollars worth of products from her.
Ha! That dude barely bathes, and he’s buying-up body scrub and moisturizers, and such? Hilarious. I hope the body scrub came with a hand-roller and paint pan, because he’s got a large area to cover.
When they got home, Sunshine (who had bitched relentlessly through the entire outing), went into a cabinet, grabbed the handle of my Deadwood mug, and yanked. She pulled three or four other mugs out with it, and they came crashing down onto the counter.
“What the hell?” Toney yelled.
“I wanted this mug,” Sunny said.
“So you just ripped it out of there? If you broke it, Jeff’s going to be really mad…”
“Oh, is this Jeff’s special mug? Does he have his own special muggy wuggy?”
Yep. State-run nursing home…
Nancy, her family, and Toney’s brother left early on Monday, before I’d gotten out of bed. I worked the night before, and slept until around 10 am. So, we were down to two: Sunshine and Mumbles. I have no problem with Mumbles whatsoever, but that Sunshine character… I didn’t know if I could endure another whole week with her.
But, of course, I made it. She’s now gone, and I’ll probably tell you some additional (but similar) stories on the main page. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about Christmas 2010 at the Surf Report Compound. It could’ve been better, if Nancy had come around more. But, like I said… I don’t blame her for staying away.
Thanks for reading, my friends!
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
Good Lord! Forget Myrtle Beach, schedule the fambly vacation for next Christmas in a place far, far away from that tribe,
It sounds as if Sunny is at that age where she’s suffering from hardening of the artilleries.
Jersey Don says
My stepmother has problems with her “cholester-oil” and had a blockage in her “karate artery.”
Sounds like something Donnie Baker on Bob&Tom would say.
Marlena from the 'rust belt' says
Perhaps Toney’s brother has a ‘thang’ for dem ‘fat ass mexican flirts’… toteing handcream…………lol
Haven’t been her in a long while…. but when I took a peek … it gave me a good LOL to see your family is a comical as ever….
Happy New Year to you and yours !
Awesome. Thanks for the much-needed laugh… I’ve been at work now for something like 14 or 15 hours today. This update really hit the spot.
Man, Sunshine is treading on thin ice… even her allies are turning on her. It sounds like Nancy really could have used some of those “antibiotics”.
State-run nursing homes always make me think of the scene in Happy Gilmore. “You can trouble me for a warm glass of SHUT-THE-HELL-UP!”
Gordion Knott says
From the rift that’s developed in the fam-damily (between Nancy and Sunny), I’m thinking that this is the last time the whole gang will be under one roof during the holidays. End of an era.
I have ONE thing in common with Mumbles, and this thing takes place at 7:00 am, and that makes me sad.
Smack her with that muggy wuggy
Gordion, I’m with you. I don’t see why everyone thinks it so strange to get up in the morning and go to the shitter. Morning routine! Get up at 5 am, get a cup (big one) of coffee (thank God for auto coffee makers) and head for the head. No better way to start the day
This entire saga has been awesome, and makes me exceedingly thankful that most of my in-laws are absolutely regular by comparison.
Also, “It’s as predictable as a 7 am Mumble-dump” is one of my favorite things I’ve ever read.
“Also, “It’s as predictable as a 7 am Mumble-dump” is one of my favorite things I’ve ever read.”
I couldn’t agree more. Totally made me bark out an inappropriate laugh in my work cubicle.
Joe T. says
You’re not alone in that Mumble-dump line.
Oh man, what a great way to start a day!!I live for these secret updates, and I am fascinated by the translucents and their bizarre-ass behavior.
Not only has this been great reading, it’s confirmed that my strategy of seeing only the people in my family I like (but rarely for more than an hour or two) is the way to go- ’cause I’d have been celebrating a’la “Black Christmas” on those cocka-doodle-douchebags if pretty much ANY of that had happened at my house.
Biff Spiffy says
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Off to take a mumbledump.
You need to invest in a good video camera. The kind that is hidden in LEGO or something and sits discretely on a shelf in the living room, and dining room, and kitchen. In addition to these special super secret reports, there needs to be a special super secret YouTube page where we can observe this circus via hidden camera.
Wisey in Ttown says
You saved the best for last. I don’t know how Toney stood it.
Paul Thorne’s “I Don’t Like Half the Folks I Love” comes to mind.
So I need to know. What happened to the mug? Did it break? Did she take it with her? Has it been placed deep in her ass (sideways of course)?
I would like to apologize for starting my previous post with the word ‘so’.
Somehow, none of the mugs broke. But following that little episode, Toney moved some of them to the basement, temporarily. The boys gave me that Deadwood mug for Christmas a few years ago, and I would’ve been PISSED if she broke it. And I have a really cool one from London, too. The woman is completely out of her mind…
>That little weirdo was fixin’ to wish all of us into the cornfield.<
It's good that the boy lost his Lego piece!
Isn't it Jeff?!?
LOVED that reference!
Yes – that one made me snort.
me too. i wonder how many people got it, just you and me? hee hee hee
that’s the line that got me as well
Sunshine is clearly mad as a hatter. Off with her head!
(congratulations for you and the gang for living through what sounds like utter misery. Nobody came to blows and hte cops weren’t called, well done!)
Ladysmith is in Wisconsin…do we need to set up a perimeter alert?
There is also a Ladysmith in British Columbia, and as a Canadian, I am afraid that is the one he was talking about.
There is a very small town called Ladysmith in Virginia – I believe it’s where Michael Vick had his dawg fights.
…..” I hope the body scrub came with a hand-roller and paint pan, because he’s got a large area to cover”…..
A nursing home would help Sunny, a lot, she’s obviously insane and they hand out good drugs in nursing homes.
Ladysmith (2001: pop. 225,452) is a city in the Uthukela District of KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa.
“Awkooka-kaw-kaw” is Zulu for rooster sucky sucky, I think Nostrils was setting up a gay date. He was throwing you off with the bullshit about Hawaii.
You will get a huge phone bill, that call to South Africa likely costs about $5.00 per minute.
Bill in WV says
I don’t think Jeff & Tony have a home phone anymore, so Nossy had to have used his cell.
Nurse Ratched says
Jeff, we must somehow be related. Sunshine seems to have absorbed some of the fine qualities in my own mother. (sorry for the downer, folks, I am VERY PISSED right now) Yesterday was my sister’s 50th birthday – my mother (who, for some inexplicable reason is pissed at the world) never sent her a card, no phone call – nada. My sister stopped calling my mother for a number of very good reasons and now my mother’s attitude is “To hell with HER.” (My sister broke her hip in August – my mother visited her ONCE and called her maybe 3 times – and she was all of maybe 30 minutes away). It’s not like my mother had to hunt down a “Martin” in Hawaii!
Alice in WV says
Compile the four installments and it could be it’s own little zine, the holiday edition. Thanks, Jeff, for the extra effort. loved it!!
hot fuzz says
Maybe Terri can look for Martin when she’s on vacation there next week.
Good God, as if I won’t have enough to do! I have to make time to sit in the sand with a beer in my hand!
Eeek, gads. Great reporting but I feel for Jeff’s family. They don’t need anymore of this situation in 2011. Thank goodness the extended family is GONE.
Bill in WV says
Jeff’s brother-in-law sounds a lot like the one in Tim Wilson’s tune.
Check it out for yourself:
Tim Wilson is the best! Good reference!
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Its pretty easy to predict that Sunshine will not be travelling again after this Xmas. It sounds a lot like dementia is taking over, and/or she is starting to have mini-strokes. The constant mental confusion she must be experiencing is very likely causing her to become hostile to the entire world. This is not uncommon, but it extremely difficult for the fambly members subjected to this outward behavior.
That being said, can’t anyone just let her take her time when she shops, fergodssake?!?
I hope she is enjoying the Squeeze and Springsteen CDs….
I assumed that the translucent snagged those CDs – and the evil stare was because it was just Squeeze and Springsteen instead of something else.
What music DO the translucents (or is it translucence?) listen to anyway?
Could there be a band out there called LEGO JAM?
Also, all joking aside, it could be very possible Sunshine is experiencing mini strokes. That’s what my mother has and man, is she nasty. never in a million years would I ever think I would be having these hostile thoughts.
Biff Spiffy says
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Off to take a mumbledump.
(commented earlier with misspelled email… I’m a dumbass)
WB in OH says
Drug Delivery Guy says
I agree with LHR, there’s something seriously mentally ill with that woman. Was she even close to this harsh, pre-“antibiotics?” And what’s up with Mumbles? He’s gotta be on drugs himself or a raging alcoholic.
JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says
” And then he probably made a jack-off motion with his right hand, then DELETE.”
For whatever reason, reminded me of this:
My guess is Nossy was calling his Canadian relatives. You see, there is a Ladysmith across the river in Quebec and N&N did live here in Ottawa for a brief stint. Basically, it is the intersection of a couple two lane rural “highways”. The population may be somewhere between 50-80. The “town” centers around a general store/gas station and a hotel/restaurant. I’ve been there – only by snowmobile. It is a beautiful area.
I sincerely hope, for the sake of you and your wife & family, that Sunshine never darkens your doorway again. Ever.
This holiday saga reads differently than past reports about N&N or Sunshine&Mumbles. It must have been quite painful to experience and something of a relief to be able to deal with it by writing about it.
But I wouldn’t have wanted to be even a fly on the wall for any of it. You have my sympathy and soon I’ll send along some beers.
Sunshine has developed Tourette’s?
Nancy FINALLY sees the light?
4 parts later and not a MENTION of a water bottle
yet a few missing cds … herm …
Tony MUST BE basking in the glow of that sisterly succumb
she worked hard for it. good for her
It wasn’t clear.
The Deadwood mug lives, right?
Somehow, all the mugs survived.
The new super uptight office I am in doesn’t really care for it when i am turning red with laughter and tearing up in the eye region.
I read your website regularly from Ladysmith, Virginia. Which is not where Michael Vick operated, and so small that my mail comes from a post office in the next town over. If I dial information, I get some other city.
Which explains why Martin chose this, of all places, to hide from Nossy. We’re on the line between area codes, so half my neighbors are long-distance phone calls. Google maps thinks it knows what this area looks like, but is generally wrong. And if you plug an address into your GPS, it will tell you to turn left into a tree. Good hiding, here in Ladysmith.
Bill in WV says
Lori in Cbus says
i agree with madz my dad had a bunch of strokes due to a congential artery issue and he was a nasty sob alot of the times….
might be something that needs looked into.. of course by Nurse Ratched..
Nurse Ratched says
I’m off the clock on this one…..Jeff should just book her a room that’s just up the road from him at that nice State “casltle” if she comes next year. One flew east, one flew west……