After Nancy and her noise machine left our house for their motel, Toney and I started working on Christmas Eve dinner. I was assigned certain jobs, and performed them with a beer nearby. And Toney’s brother commenced to downing mixed drinks like Dean Martin, and just hanging around the kitchen.
At one point I was asked to peel about a hundred pounds of potatoes, and he was there the whole time with a highball attached to his right hand, smiling and not really saying much. What the hell, man? I kept checking, out of the corner of my eye, to see if he was still there. And he always was.
Just his gigantic presence raised the temperature by about twenty degrees. I had sweat pouring off me, because of his heat-pump of a gut jutting out into the middle of the room. I tried to strike up a conversation a few times, and he answered in a loud booming voice, everything etched in a defiant I’m-a-badass-deep-down tone.
I wished he’d just go to the living room, and let me cut my damn potatoes. All that smiling and loading dock cockiness was making me uneasy.
Toney did most of the cooking, but I did a hell of a lot of the prep work. And it turned out well: one of the better feasts we’ve hosted. And Sunshine, the diabetic, was hoovering up cookies the whole time, and not lifting a jittery finger to help. In fact, nobody offered to lend a hand. I’m surprised they weren’t sitting there with napkins tucked into their collars, pounding their knives and forks on the table.
When Nancy returned the volume ratcheted up again, and alcohol was being consumed with enthusiasm. We had dinner, and sat around the living room as everybody talked in a tenor usually reserved for World Series games at Yankee Stadium, often at the same time. I don’t do well with chaos, even after tearing through most of a Saranac Winter Sampler, and was completely rigid with tension.
At least three times Toney’s brother hollered, “How long are you guys going to keep that tree up?! I’m famous for taking mine down on December 26 every year! December 26, and not a day later!! Oh, all my friends know that the day after Christmas, my tree and all the decorations are gone!! You can’t even tell they were ever there!!”
He repeated this again and again, and acted like he was some kind of hero because he took down his Christmas tree on 12/26. I think he was expecting applause, or the key to the city.
And Nancy told everyone about their living tree, with the big root ball at the bottom, and how they moved it from their front room before coming to Pennsylvania, and planted it – as a family. She always adds that to the end of her stories – as a family – and tries to pretend it was a wonderful experience, full of learning and love and deep emotions. But I’ve seen them operate as a family, and the only deep emotions are blood-red meltdowns, and Nossy yelling “SHUT UP! SHUT UP THIS INSTANT!!”
During the evening Nancy brought in presents for their kids, and they were all wrapped in weirdness. There was re-used paper from previous Christmases, newspaper, tissue (toilet?) paper, and repurposed Priority Mail envelopes. It looked like a Mailboxes, Etc. in there. Festive!
Nancy told a funny story (funny, because it pissed-off her mother) about them taking Sunshine and Mumbles out to dinner in North (or is it South?) Carolina. When it was Sunny’s time to order she said to the waiter, “Yeah, what’s the story with this half baked chicken? Does that mean you only cook it for half the normal time, or something?”
The waiter was reportedly trying not to bust out laughing, as he explained that it wasn’t a half-baked chicken, but half of a baked chicken. Everybody in the room roared, and Sunshine just sat their, stoic and strong against the many injustices she is forced to endure.
Then she wouldn’t talk for the rest of the evening. Heh.
After Nancy and the gang left again (they’ve had it with Sunshine, and we didn’t see much of them), we all started getting ready for bed. And Sunny apparently CRANKED the heat in the family room, which is directly beneath our bedroom. She probably had the windows open, too. And if you think I’m joking, you would be sadly mistaken.
It was like an oven in our room, and I tossed and turned all night. I drifted in and out of consciousness, but never really got to a place where it did me any good. Toney was wallowing in the sheets, as well, and it was a horrible “sleep.”
Sometime during the night I got up to use the bathroom, and saw Toney’s brother downstairs sitting straight-up on the couch, with a PS3 controller in his hands, his head ratcheted completely backward, and his mouth hanging wide open. I wished I had some beanbags, so I could go down there and practice for when the carnival comes back to town.
And at 6:05 am both boys were in our room, wanting to get the festivities started. I felt like I’d been dragged behind a truck, but we eventually hoisted ourselves off the platform and shuffled downstairs.
“You’re going to wake up Mom, right?” Toney said with a smirk. I laughed, and started making a pot of coffee without answering.
And I’ll pick it up there, next time.
Thanks for reading!
Perfect timing! Lunchtime!
Stay tuned for the continuing saga……… Can’t wait! Love these super secret updates! Thanks Jeff!
“loading dock cockiness” brilliant!
whew! I needed that.
And who the hell stands around a kitchen, watching people work, and doesn’t even offer to help??? That shit wouldn’t fly in my family.
Theres a lot of shit going on that won’t fly in a lot of familys…
I turn into Quasimoda hunched over my dishwasher when my helpful family comes for a visit. They must think the deck is my friggin bell tower.
Makes me feel good to know my family isn’t the only one that is bat shit crazy.
This just makes my day!! love it!!
“half baked chicken” heehee
“I wished I had some beanbags, so I could go down there and practice for when the carnival came back to town.”
I’m reading this, umm, in my “office” and almost gave myself away by laughing out loud at the above line. Good thing I was seated at the time – stifled the big laugh but the pressure had to go SOMEWHERE…
Magnificent! Tony’s brother is a welcome addition to the madness.
Ahhh…lunch break reading! Hey! You could have practiced your “Cornhole” techniques using Toney’s brother! HAHA!!
” I’ve seen them operate as a family, and the only deep emotions are blood-red meltdowns”
Another Christmas classic.
Glad to see my family is not the only one to experience the dreded Christmas cluster fuck !
OMG OMG OMG I love being part of the super secret update bunch!!!!
Brilliant. Thanks Jeff for enduring the crazies for our entertainment.
Oh brother. You need to make a desk calendar or something with some of this stuff. Like ‘Farside’ only better. I love it.
Wunnerful,wunnerful. The hits just keep comin’. I been up working all night and my brain is a little fried, and this update has me laughing even now, after the fact. I keep going back to the “half baked chicken”. Even my wife, who just doesn’t seem to have our unique sense of humor, will have to agree that’s classic. Sometimes I wonder how I got hitched to a woman who doesn’t understand.
You are not alone. I’ll be doubled over laughing at this site & my boyfriend will stand beside me, read the same thing & barely release an audible semi-chuckle. How can this shit only get that sort of laugh? I don’t understand where your wife & my boyfriend lost that lobe in their brain for understanding Jeff’s humor.
Love the secret updates! It’s gotta be exhausting though living through that! Look foward to the next update!!!
Another great super-secret update! Thanks Jeff, we enjoy these glimpses into your chaos – and eagerly await sitting down and reading through the updates.
….together, as a family.
super funny!!
“There was re-used paper from previous Christmases, newspaper, tissue (toilet?) paper, and repurposed Priority Mail envelopes. It looked like a Mailboxes, Etc. in there. Festive!”
HAHAHA! My husband’s Aunt is retired and “on a fixed income” and so every year the same horrific dollar-store gift bags keep getting passed around from her. Most of them are circa 1995. Maybe even earlier.
Every once in a while, when she’s particularly proud of one, she’ll hollar out (as you’re opening your gift), “I NEED THAT BAG BACK!!” and you’re forced to put your water table crackers and pub cheese that she bought from Kroger into a Walmart sack before you head for home.
Good times.
Oh, and speaking of “repurposed” gift wrap and whathaveyou…. My exboyfriend had an aunt that’s sprinkled with crazy dust too. She would not write on the front of a Christmas/holiday/birthday envelope. She would just hand it to you and then ask for it back minus the card so she could use it for bills or whatever. She would also clean up all the bows and gift wrap that was thrown all over the place to reuse. She would then “lightly” iron out the giftwrap to flatten and de-crinkle.
“sprinkled with crazy dust” – I’m crying here! That is so funny!
Iron? OMG! Now THAT’s classic.
And “sprinkled with crazy dust”…I look forward to using that one.
“heat pump of a gut”….outstanding
But was he gonna be home on dec 26th?
Thanks for the update, keep ’em coming!
Saw the Bunker Cam, WTF is that?? I thought one would have to lift a shirt to show off hooters. Unless your a senior citizen, then the skirt would work.
OMG! I am laying in my hospital bed with pneumonia laughing hysterically. The nurses keep walking by looking at me like I have a horn growing out my forehead. Thanks so much for sharing your holiday adventure with us. I’ve been in here since the day after Christmas and it was getting to me for sure. Today will be a little more bearable now that I got me a great big laugh. Can’t wait for tomorrow.
Hope you get better soon. Sucks even more to be in there over holidays.
Tabby – here’s wishing you a speedy recovery!
Get Well soon Tabby!!!
Saranac Winter Sampler nice – that was my best Xmas present this year.
Special thumbs up for the Vanilla Stout and the Bohemian Pilsner.
If i were you Jeff I would have chucked half peeled potatoes at him… maybe have him set a milk jug on his protruding beer gut… bring your bean bags and its a carnival themed Christmas!
I am thoroughly enjoying the Kay family Christmas stories this year
as a family……
..at this time..
I wish I had the words to express my thoughts on this one.
Happy Fucking New Year!
Good Afternoon VIP Surf Reporters…..
It just keeps getting better with every installment, and the really bizarre shit hasn’t even started yet!
Membership has its privileges.
Ok, so I know what I’m getting you next year for Christmas, bean bags!!
Jeff, when this is all over, I’m gonna buy ya a case of beer..
Hey, anyone know what a case o beer cost nowadays?
Yo dude is it 4:20 yet? said the half baked chicken bak bak!!
Jeff, you need to pull this together and build a screenplay. That would be the Holiday Classic of our generation.