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Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

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Christmas 2010: Cabin Fever Starts to Set In

After we dragged ourselves downstairs on Christmas morning, I started making the first of the six or eight pots of coffee we put down that day, and Toney went to the family room to wake up Sunshine and Mumbles.

The boys were told to wait until their grandparents were in the room, before ripping into their presents.  And it was like holding a pepperoni roll in front of a dog, and saying, “Not yet…  Not yet…”  Extremely cruel.

As predicted, it took them forever.  We could hear Sunny down there moaning and hollering, “Ohhh…!  Oh god!!”  Every time she moves she wails in agony, on account of her mental illnesses and whatnot…  Mumbles disappeared into the bathroom, and apparently took a dump.  And who just gets straight out of bed in the morning, walks directly to the toilet, and shits?

The younger youngling was getting irritated, and said, “This is ridiculous!”  And Toney’s brother made some kind of weird noise, which might have been a half-laugh or just fat pressing against his esophagus.

Eventually, after fifteen minutes had passed, the younger boy said, “I’m not waiting anymore,” and began ripping paper.  “Hey!” I hollered in protest, and Toney shrugged, to indicate that it was cool with her.  So I gave them the official go-ahead, which broke the boys from their momentary frozen state.

Another fifteen minutes later, S&M came shuffling into the room, and Sunny was pissed that we hadn’t waited for her.  But nobody would even acknowledge her protests, and she dropped it before a full-rant could be reached.  She’s clearly slipping; there would’ve been true hell to pay five years ago.

The boys received the main gifts they’d wanted, and became occupied with their loot.  Nancy and the gang were supposed to arrive at 8 am, so Toney started making a big breakfast spread.  And I went to take a shower, hoping to get that chore out of the way early, and avoid the rush.

While I was in there, with the water running, I heard something that sounded like a human head bouncing off the door.  Then:  “Ohhh…! Oh nooo!!”  It was Sunshine, of course, and it happens every time.  She feels a medicinal blowout brewing, and will try to bust through brick walls to get to a bathroom.  And when the door is locked, she does a full face-plant.  Heh.  I think she’s walked in on everybody but me, so far.

Nancy and the gang didn’t show until about 9:30, after breakfast was already a distant memory.  The oldest weirdo was red in the face, and looked like he’d been crying.  I heard Nossy give him a warning outside the front door, and when they came in I greeted them with an over-exuberant Merry Christmas!

And the translucent leveled an evil stare on my ass, which would’ve made even Heinrich Himmler’s blood run cold.  Shit!  Once he’s able to fully harness his dark powers, we’re all doomed.  Of this I am certain.

Eventually, after Nossy prepared himself a tankard of coal-black diarrhea brew, the see-thrus were allowed to open their repurposed Priority Mail envelopes, and whatnot.  And it appeared to me that those kids had a 100% LEGO Christmas.  I believe every single gift was somehow related to LEGO, and a few of the items were reportedly super-rare and expensive.  Hey, whatever stirs your soy syrup…

Nostrildamus gave Nancy an alarm clock, which looked like some cheap crap purchased at Walgreens.  But I later learned it featured a “gentle” alarm, because regular buzzers and bells are far too jarring for her delicate soul.  This thing supposedly has a soothing NPR voice that says, “Time to get up… Time to get up…”  Then the wind chimes kick in, and there’s a gentle running stream…  And I don’t know about you, but if my alarm clock made creek noises, I’d very likely pee the bed every morning.

Nancy probably gave Nostrils his “gift” back at the motel, but I’d rather not think about it, if you don’t mind.

And from that point, unfathomable boredom took over.  There were many hours of just sitting around looking at each other, absent-mindedly shoving cookies into our mouths with the heels of our hands, and sneaking desperate glances at the clock.

Nancy told us there was a Christmas tree in the lobby of the motel where they were staying, and the youngest translucent asked, “Momma, why are there plus signs all over that tree?”  He thought the crosses were plus signs.  How cute.

Sunshine asked Toney if she could have my Deadwood mug, and Toney said no.  She’d already asked for a set of pillow cases(?), a quilt, and one of Toney’s sweatshirts.  Whenever Sunny comes to our house, she walks around “shopping,” choosing things she’d like to take home with her.  Who does this??  Of course, she gets mad when Toney refuses to give up our stuff.  “You people have everything,” Sunshine sneers, “and share nothing.”  Yeah, everything… like pillow cases.  Exotic!  And share nothing?  They’re living at our house, eating their own weight in food each day.  Grrr…

By noon, the adults were falling asleep, and Toney’s brother was snoring and making noises like a radiator.  He was hissing and gurgling and snorting.  It was unbelievable.  Most of the others (including myself) were fading in and out, as well, and heads were whipping around in circles, as people nodded off and woke up, nodded off and woke up…

Finally Nancy and the gang left for their motel again, and invited us all to have a “soak” in their hot tub.  Thanks, but no thanks, I wanted to say, I’m going to forgo the opportunity to submerge myself in a bubbling hot vat of long-haul trucker ass and hooker residue.  It’s appreciated, though!

After Nancy left, Sunshine got into her “antibiotics,” slipped into a pair of lace gloves (wtf?), and had Mumbles cover her with several layers of blankets on the couch.  Then she slept for three hours, or so.  It was disturbing, and I later realized it was a daily ritual:  pharmaceuticals, sleeping gloves, many blankets, slumber.  Weird shit, man.

Toney said she was going to see if there were any stores open, because she needed aluminum foil.  “I’ll go with you!” I offered.  And her brother screamed, “Me too!!”  Good god, we were bored to a paralytic state.

And we drove all over carnation (as one of my aunts would say), without finding one open grocery store.  Or even a bar, which would’ve also done the trick.  The only open businesses we saw:  Sheetz gas station, Denny’s, Waffle House, and a Chinese restaurant.  Everything else was completely locked down.  Yes, even Wal-Mart.

But, it got us out of the house for a while.  And when we returned I proclaimed it cocktail hour, which always helps ward off the boredom.  To a certain extent, anyway.

And I’ll finish this tale next time.  I’ll tell you why Nancy stayed away, for the most part, which has turned out to be the most interesting part of this whole ordeal.  Nancy has had it up to here, Jack!  So, stay tuned for the details.

And have a great day, my friends.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. WB in OH says

    January 3, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Yeah Baby!

    Reply
    • Hammurabi says

      January 3, 2011 at 11:49 am

      Sweet! The final installment!

      Reply
  2. Linda says

    January 3, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I loved the part about Mumbles taking a dump immediately upon arising. I agree; who does that?

    Reply
    • fattie20xl says

      January 3, 2011 at 12:51 pm

      I do that if I got beer shits. Beer makes me shovel in white castle and then pass out. My bowel protests are what usually wake my ass up after a night of drizinkin.

      Reply
    • Joey Jo Jo says

      January 3, 2011 at 1:18 pm

      Almost every day, man. But it’s a small dump. Once I move around for 10 or 15 minutes, the REAL dump reveals itself.

      Joe

      Reply
    • icecycle66 says

      January 3, 2011 at 2:10 pm

      I also make turds as soon as I wake up. I find it a convinent plance to catch a few extra minutes of sleep .

      Elbows to knees, palms of hands holding my head up, I can get 7 or 8 minutes of sleep in while letting feces drop from my butt. It’s great.

      Reply
    • Pete says

      January 3, 2011 at 5:32 pm

      My dogs do that. Every morning. We send them out into the yard, and they shit. Like clockwork. Does Sunshine eat kibble?

      Reply
    • Shizzle says

      January 6, 2011 at 5:03 pm

      I do. Sometimes. Depends on what I ate before bed.

      Reply
  3. WB in OH says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Dear God! I have a feeling I’ll be feeling sorry for Nancy by the time this thing is all wrapped up.

    “And the translucent leveled an evil stare on my ass, which would’ve made even Heinrich Himmler’s blood run cold. Shit! Once he’s able to fully harness his dark powers, we’re all doomed. Of this I am certain.”
    I nearly launched a chicken nugget through my screen!

    Reply
  4. ADubb says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Hey! Some of us are reading this update, while dropping a deuce, immediately after rising! Shit, Shower and Shave. The three S’s to start the day.

    Reply
    • Chuck in Belpre says

      January 3, 2011 at 12:38 pm

      On the other hand some of us need an hour or so of staring into space to get all the neurons firing. Well…at least I do.

      VERY funny update.

      Reply
  5. Gretchen says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    “A bubbling hot vat of long-haul trucker ass and hooker residue.” Mmmmmm, hooker residue.

    I hate to admit it now that it’s associated with Nancy, but I’m one of those who hates to be woken up with loud bells, whistles, and whatnot. It leaves me shaky for a good hour, like I’ve shotgunned three Red Bulls. I have the alarm set to radio and awaken to the soothing sounds of the traffic report.

    Reply
  6. Stephanie says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Top ten? Really? Happy New Year, all!

    Reply
  7. JCIII says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Good Afternoon VIP Surf Reporters……

    I wonder if we’ll ever find out what set the soon to be dark overlord translucent off?

    Reply
  8. Randall says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    this is all horribly compelling,like driving by a car wreck and rubber-necking at the gore.

    Reply
  9. Sluggy says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Wanna bet that Nancy’s “gift” to Nossy back at the motel involved scarves in some shape or form….lol

    Reply
  10. Short-n-Sweet says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    “Nostrildamus”!!! I just about spit out my Dr. Pepper. That’s awesome.

    Reply
  11. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Plus sign covered Christmas trees. Sounds like a nice little regional tradition you got over there in PA.

    Your Xmas story makes my fambly’s little Xmas celebration this year seem downright Rockwellesque.

    Reply
  12. bikerchick says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    All those people in your house and Sunshine plunks her ass down in her lace-covered-glory on your COUCH? Is this the same main fambly room that houses the TV? Where everyone else needs to find somewhere else to sit because she’s taken up 4 couch cushions to nap? Or was she in her designated room and I should keep my bean hole shut? Just askin….

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      January 3, 2011 at 12:43 pm

      Sunshine and Mumbles are using the family room as their makeshift bedroom. The living room is upstairs, and that’s where everybody hangs out. So, she was kinda sorta off to herself.

      Reply
      • bikerchick says

        January 3, 2011 at 12:51 pm

        Whew! I had images of her schlepped all over the couch while others wanted to watch TV or whatever. And as dramatic as she is, it wouldn’t surprise me.

        Reply
  13. bikerchick says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    My comment is awaiting moderation?? That’s a first…

    Reply
  14. tiff says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    It’s as beautiful as a Thomas Kincade painting, this update.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      January 3, 2011 at 4:02 pm

      LOL! Look at those points of light.

      Reply
  15. Jason says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    I thought I was the only person that took naps while wearing lace gloves. Weird.

    Reply
  16. fattie20xl says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Damn man!

    My gf told me that I can’t laugh at the translucents because they have obvious mental problems. I told her that’s what makes it funny.

    Does the oldest still have burnt metal dumps? That need to be pulled out?

    Reply
  17. kenju says

    January 3, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    I will probably never be able to get into a hotel hot tub ever again. Thanks, Jeff…..lol

    (Long haul trucker ass and….)

    Reply
  18. Joey Jo Jo says

    January 3, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    It’s been clear since they were introduced that the Translucents are destined to be on “World’s Most Horrifying Serial Mutilators,” or something.

    Joe

    Reply
  19. Angie says

    January 3, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    I am with Kenju. Eeew!

    Reply
  20. Yvonne says

    January 3, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    First a hand muff, then lace gloves – clearly Sunshine has a fetish for weird hand wear. Wait, were they the Madonna-style lace gloves with the fingertips cut out??

    Reply
  21. Son of Sam says

    January 3, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Hey I got gipped I didn’t get the SECOND installment in my e-mail box. Help a brother out there Jeff?

    Reply
    • hardoxdan says

      January 3, 2011 at 5:02 pm

      Look at the end of Jeff’s Installment 3. There is a link to “Previous Installment” which would be Number 2.

      Reply
      • Son of Sam says

        January 4, 2011 at 9:23 am

        this dumdass thanks you hardoxdan

        Reply
  22. Hope says

    January 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    My fear of the filth in hot tubs has been restored and the imagery of what soaks in them is forever seared in my brain.

    Reply
  23. mi2tall says

    January 3, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    So I looked in my Inbox and there was a repurposed Priority Mail envelope. Well, I tore that sucker open and what fell out? An actual N&N, S&M XMAS update PART III!! I’ve wanted one of those my whole life!!
    Jeff, I hoist a Maker’s Mark with giant ice-ball in your honor.

    Reply
  24. Melissa says

    January 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    This makes the freshly-back-to-work-day much easier. Sit back, try not to spew tea/coffee/leftover cookie junk on the monitor as your coworkers eye you nervously thinking you are on the verge of a New Year breakdown.
    I’ll let them keep guessing….

    Reply
  25. icecycle66 says

    January 3, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    I am going to start wearing sleeping gloves and driving goggles everywhere I go.

    Reply
  26. Jen says

    January 3, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    You know it just never ceases to amaze me just how kooky Tony’s relatives are. I still have to ask the question….

    How did she turn out SO normal?

    Was she adopted?

    Or was Nancy just dropped on her head as an infant?

    Reply
    • Shiny Rod says

      January 3, 2011 at 3:51 pm

      Jen, Tony is what Marilyn was to the Munsters…

      Reply
  27. Alice in WV says

    January 3, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    FUNNY update! best part for me – Sunshine doing a face-plant on the bathroom door.
    Will we find out why the oldest translucent gave you the hairy eyeball? cannot wait to read the next installment.

    Reply
  28. Alice in WV says

    January 3, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    loving the bunker cam photo! George Washington could really kick some tiger ass.

    Reply
  29. Shiny Rod says

    January 3, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    …and this my friends is why I do Christmas ALONE!!! Did I emphasize the alone. Yeah, alone! Well, there is the part where Ginger tears into her rawhide bone but that’s pretty boring and only dogs would understand that look. Is pajama jeans this years snuggies? Yes, just another boring christmas alone. Ho hum!!!

    Reply
  30. madz1962 says

    January 3, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    All LEGO? Jumping Jesus on a Hoppity Horse, I’d be bored in an hour.

    Reply
  31. bikerchick says

    January 3, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    I just saw a “Pajama Jeans” ad on TV over the weekend. Apparently they can be worn as sweats or a night on the town with FMP’s. I can’t wait til I get mine!

    Reply
    • Lori in Cbus says

      January 3, 2011 at 9:35 pm

      I saw a big assed girl wearing a pair at work the other day.. they looked like jeans until I saw every cellulited jiggle and wiggle when she walked..eww

      Reply
  32. m says

    January 3, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    I had an exhausting day at work, but perked right up when I found the notification in the inbox. I’m loving these installments! Thanks, Jeff, for keeping me entertained.

    Reply
  33. Juancho says

    January 3, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Nancy? I would hit it.

    Reply
  34. Biff Spiffy says

    January 4, 2011 at 4:12 am

    Gah. I applaud your restraint – I would’ve declared cocktail hour by noon.

    I’d buy a pair of WVSR sleeping gloves.

    We had a set of whackadoo neighbors a cuppa two tree years ago, and shared a holiday beer or two with ’em. The woman was into the punch pretty deep when she decided she must have my Guinness lounge pants. What began as ‘I like those’ devolved into her bringing over 3 items of used clothing to offer in trade. I politely refused (I like them, and I was currently wearing them). Tantrums ensued, and she left the neighborhood soon after that…

    Merry new year!

    Reply
  35. shinywilly says

    January 4, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Funny…. I remember the quote “All over Carnation” coming out of my mothers mouth like it was yesterday.

    How about another classic… “What in tarnation is going on here?

    Reply

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