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Chinese Fun, Novelty Driving, and Crazy Pet Names

August 13, 2009 By Jeff 108 Comments

halloweenposterWe went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch today, and the food was extra-good (#2: cashew chicken), but the overall experience was a bit strange.

A perma-smile woman seated us at a table in the middle of the floor, then walked over to a booth that looked to have been recently vacated.  The dishes had been taken away, but it was still a mess.  So she started tidying up, and eventually removed the tablecloth completely.

Then she took two steps back, twisted her torso ninety degrees, and gave the thing a big shake, like a person cleaning a rug or whatever.  This action sent crumbs and food particles flying through the air, and a good portion of it rained down on a party of four seated nearby.

One old guy, who resembled John Locke on LOST, looked down at his forearm, saw something there and calmly flicked it away.  But a woman seated to his left began frantically knocking stuff out of her hair, and another lady started brushing her lap with high urgency.

I couldn’t believe it.  And ol’ perma-smile never said a word to them, even though she clearly saw them slappin’ ‘n’ brushin’ with pronounced WTF? expressions plastered on their faces.

Yeah, that was a new one…

And there was also something radically wrong with their stereo system.  The whole time we were there the music kept switching back and forth between what sounded like the soundtrack to Halloween, and a pop song by a (presumably) Chinese singer.

Only about ten seconds of one would play, and it would go back to the other.  And the pop song always started at the beginning, it didn’t pick up where it had left-off last time (unfortunately).  There was some sort of keyboard or synthesizer riff at the start of it, and it just kept repeating every twenty seconds, or so.

After a half-hour of this I could feel myself starting to lose my tenuous grip on sanity.  In fact, I can still hear that cheesiness playing in my head, followed abruptly by the dink-dink-dink Halloween theme.

What the hell, man?  How is it even explainable??

Next week we’re going to my parents’ house in West Virginia, for a quickie guerilla visit before school starts up again.  I’m embarrassed to admit it, but we haven’t seen my Mom and Dad in over a year.  Last April, I think.  Disgraceful.

I get off work at 1:30 am on Wednesday (actually Thursday morning), and we’re thinking about leaving shortly after I get home.  At 2:30 or 3:00, I guess.  Should be interesting…  We’ve never attempted anything like that before.

The plan is for me to drive the first couple of hours, since I’m usually still wired from job aggravation, etc., and Toney will take over once my head starts going round and round on my shoulders.

Yeah, it sounds good on paper, but we’ll see how it goes in real life.  I’ll probably be completely sleepless and hallucinating by the time we get to my folks’ house.  I’ll probably have my shirt off and be screaming about the bugs (“so many bugs!”).

Have you ever engaged in any novelty driving?  You know, for way too many hours in a row, or leaving at midnight, or anything crazy like dat?  How’d it go for you?  Presuming you’re still alive to tell the tale, of course.  No ghosts in the comments section, please….

And I’m struggling like a mofo here, friends.  Not to whine like some Nostrildamus ball-baby bitch, but I worked more than twelve hours yesterday, and slept about five hours last night.  My brain just ain’t doing it for me today.

So, I’ll zero out the Moleskine early tomorrow…  Since I missed yesterday, and all.

Before we get to the Question of the Day, I’d like to remind you that I’m taking pre-orders for the RETRO old-school Smoking Fish shirts, right here.  If you want one, please order soon.  I’ll probably turn the T-Shirt Lady loose on them next week, so don’t miss out.

And now… I’d like to know the best pet names you’ve ever heard.

When I lived in Greensboro I knew a girl with a cat named Polyester.  I still don’t know if that’s an exceedingly cool name, or if my judgment was clouded by the cuteness of the cat’s owner.  Sometimes cuteness can change your perception of things…

And Mark & Linette, of Crimewave USA fame, used to have a cat named… Eartha Kitty.  Is that not excellent?  I submit that it is.

So, what creative pet names have you encountered over the years?  Tell us about it in the comments.

And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker.

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Comments

  1. Milissa says

    August 14, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    1. grew up in Greensboro – would love to know more about your time there.

    2. lived in NYC for a while and use to get off work at 2am as a, uhem, “exotic dancer” and drive straight to GSO. Roughly an 8 hour experience from what I recall. I also drove from GSO to Los Angeles in 48 hours by my self.

    2. Current pet’s name is ‘Cherri Pie’.

    Reply
  2. Bomama says

    August 14, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    All cats….
    Mr. Jammers-female
    Joe Montana-female
    Folly Anne-male

    Reply
  3. Ben K says

    August 15, 2009 at 1:43 am

    I’ve had cats named Carl, Bert & Ernie, Debbie, Static, Sock, Pencil, Squirrel, and Blanco. And a rat named Susan. The last dog I had was named Bobby, and my parents’ old dog was named Murray.

    Reply
  4. ratchet says

    August 15, 2009 at 11:46 am

    The 1st cat I ever had when I was 6 I named Kitty DuPwah. She had 3 kittens that I named until they got homes, Measly, Retardo and Doofus. The wierd names of my pets sort of stuck- Ixion, Maru, Jared, and Jelly.

    Reply
  5. AtomicFireball says

    August 16, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Salvador Doggie and What’s up Tiger Lily? Great Dog and Cat names!

    Reply
  6. Matt says

    August 17, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    Back in the mid-80’s I was a college student in Champaign-Urbana, IL. My friend and I did two Jazzfests, two years in a row…back when it was real, Man, and hadn’t been taken over by the corporate suits. Yeah, Man.

    We would leave at 8pm on Thursday night and drive all night through MO, AR, MS all the way down to the Big Easy. 920 miles. Smoking cigars, drinking beer, and listening to Ray Charles and BB King the whole way. Would arrive Friday morning, hit the fairgrounds, drink beer the whole day in the hot sun, and then look for a place to stay.

    25 years later, it is incomprehensible to me how I could ever have done that. I can’t even keep my eyes open past 9pm most evenings nowadays.

    Reply
  7. matt K says

    August 20, 2009 at 1:19 am

    Worked a 3 to 1 shift (pm to am) then drove seven hours home (new job, new city, still owned the house in the old city)

    i almost hit a bobcat on the way home…which is impressive considering they don’t live this far north. Three times i dodged around things that weren’t there.

    best drive ever.

    Reply
  8. MommyWoman says

    August 24, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    I named my insane Calico kitteh Schrodinger. I came up with my own answer to the thought experiment and decided that the Cat was most definitely alive.

    Reply
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