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I always joked that my retirement would kick-in the day the paramedics cut the skin-tight security uniform off my C-cups and failed to revive my clogged heart. For some reason I’m always old and wearing a security uniform in these scenarios. But… it appears a proper retirement might actually be possible. I’m skeptical about it, as is my nature, but the numbers seem to indicate it’s an actual possibility. Who could’ve predicted such a thing?

Oh, there are still five or so years to go, and many terrible things could happen between now and then. So, I’m not spiking the ball just yet. But it’s fun to dream and plan. And Toney and I are doing a lot of that now. It’s not the only thing we talk about, but it’s definitely in the rotation. Is it a threshold you’ve already crossed, or is it close enough to be a subject of discussion? I’d like to get some of your thoughts.

Like, where are you gonna live? We’re not planning to stay here, for various reasons. Mainly: snow and ice in the winter. Funk dat. Plus, there’s not a whole lot to do here. It’s not a terrible place, and it’s actually pretty good for raising kids. But we want our final chapter to be somewhere where there’s shit to do. And when I say shit, I mean a beach (maybe) and a vibrant beer and restaurant scene. And plenty of places to walk that are not straight up a steep grade, or down one. Cost of living is also a consideration, of course, and just the general quality of life.

The Myrtle Beach area is high on our list at the moment. Not Myrtle Beach itself, of course. We don’t crave that level of insanity (or crime). But somewhere close enough that we can dip in and out of the craziness. We’ve walked through many model homes around that area, and it’s appealing. But we don’t feel like we’ve even scratched the surface of the tip o’ the iceberg. We’re definitely open to other ideas.

What are your thoughts on a location for retirement? What criteria are you using? What’s important? Do you have any off-the-radar super-secret suggestions for us? Like I say, we’re still in the early stages of the hunt, and welcome all information.

And speaking of “here,” something occurred to me a few days ago that blew my mind a bit. I left West Virginia when I was a couple of months shy of my 23rd birthday. And we’ve lived here since early 2000. So… almost exactly the same amount of time. When I retire — if it happens — this will be the place I’ve lived the longest. Also, I was with Time-Warner for 17 years, and in November I will have been at my current job for 15 years! I’ve NEVER worked in the same building for that long, not even close; the TW run was in three different states. That shit is wild. To me, anyway. This chapter of our lives has clicked along at a terrifying tempo.

If you’ve moved around, like me, what places have you liked and disliked? I loved Atlanta, but that was when I was in my 20s. No way I could deal with that cluster-fuck at my current age. I have romantic feelings about it, but it’s because I was young and swinging for the fences when I lived there. California was not a favorite, and I have no desire to live there again. Too congested and expensive and one-seasony for me, thank you very much. I loved growing up in West Virginia, and will always be fond of it, but I can’t see myself returning permanently. The only place I’ve lived that’s a possibility for retirement is North Carolina. For some reason the Raleigh area is calling me a bit, Toney too. We’ll likely schedule a scouting expedition there, in the not too distant future.

Our previous scouting trip, to Tampa/St. Petersburg, was inconclusive. We weren’t blown away, to tell you the truth. It, like California, seemed ridiculously congested. Every time we had to go to Publix, or whatever, a substantial amount of time was sucked from our day. And it added to my blood pressure/teeth grinding problems. Also, people weren’t super-friendly, which was surprising. The South is generally filled with friendly folks, but I’m not sure Florida is really part of the South. Lotsa transplants, right? The trip didn’t disqualify that area, but it knocked it down the list.

What do you have on the whole general subject of retirement? Please share in the comments if you’re so inclined.

And before I call it a day here, I’ll share a couple of articles that list the “best places” to retire. Some of the selections are ridiculous, in my opinion. Completely ludicrous! Let me know your thoughts. Here’s one, and here’s another. I don’t know much, but could draw a line through many of those places, automatically. Sheesh.

Also, be sure to check out the podcast and the monthly column at Substack.

And I’ll see you guys again soon, very soon.

Have a great day, my friends!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

Last Saturday we went to the Paul McCartney concert in Syracuse, and arrived way too early due to paranoia about getting caught-up in a Winston-Salem-style gridlock. Once the gates were finally opened, and we passed through Israeli airport-level security, we made our way to our seats. Ours were on the right side, if you’re facing the stage, pretty far down, near the floor. Great seats! But as we were heading down there, single file on the stairs, I banged my right knee off the back of one of the aluminum bleacher seats. And I don’t want to exaggerate it, but it was PERHAPS the most severe pain I’ve felt in my life. A powerful jolt of electricity rocked my abundant body, and birds and stars were circling my head. There was no quick-fade, either. I’ve stubbed my toes, like everybody else, and that also sucks a big curved one. But it usually fades fairly quickly. This was a sustained hurting.

Yes, I’m lucky to have never fallen off any ladders (mostly because I don’t climb them) or been involved in any serious car crashes or had a heart attack (yet), or anything of the sort. I seriously can’t remember anything hurting so bad as that shit did. I don’t know if it hit in just the right spot, or what. But it was extreme pain that would not leave me alone for the entire run-up to Sir Paul, which was a long, long time. Here’s the setlist, if you’re interested. The show was great fun, the knee crap… not so much. But I’m fine now, thanks for asking.

What’s the most extreme pain you’ve experienced? I know this is probably going to lead to some not-so-funny stories, but we’ll go with it anyway. Do you have anything on this subject? Tell us about it in the comments.

Toney left a little while ago for five days with Nancy in North (or is it South?) Carolina. I felt a little sad when she left. I’ll miss her. And it didn’t help that my Reds managed to blow yet another game today that they had in the palm of their hand, thanks to their “stellar” bullpen. I’m kinda depressed, if you want to know the truth. I also got a haircut a little while ago and it feels like my entire upper body is covered in those little hairlets. I think I’m going to have to take a second shower. I’m writhing in tiny hair agitation. I’m just glad I’m not one of those guys who are covered in pubes from the eyes on down. Can you imagine?

I know this one is brief. Sorry about that. And I realize it’s been way too long. I apologize for that too. But there’s more to read at the No New Jeffs Substack page, if you haven’t already. And there’s the podcast, as well. OK, there’s not much reading with a sound recording, but you know what I mean.

In case you’re wondering, before I call it a day here, the SiriusXM Lithium channel is now playing in the bunker, and I’m enjoying a Pabst tall boy on a beautiful Saturday evening. I’ve paid $13 for one of these babies at rock shows. The one I’m drinking now? About a dollar, give or take.

Have a great day, my friends. I’ll be back faster than last time, I promise.

Let us know about your tales of pain, and I’ll see you again soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

As you’re probably aware, I’m a portly gentleman who knows a thing or two about the wonders of fast food. Heck, one of the biggest highlights of our recent Florida vacation was when I had my very first Butterburger at a Culver’s. I mean, the airboat ride through the swamps was fun and so was Spring Break at Clearwater Beach. But, Culver’s! Now, that’s a real adventure.

In any case, my “research” has revealed what I sincerely believe to be the best bang for the buck in all of fast food. Sure, Burger King has a stellar value menu and their food is better than people want to give them credit for. And McDonald’s always has that two McDoubles for three bucks deal going, plus the $1 any-size sodas. Both are good in a pinch. But the best of them all? You ready? It’s the large three-topping pizza at Domino’s, for $7.99.

Yes, there are some hoops you have to jump through, but suck it up Mr. Delicate. All you have to do is order your pie online or through the app, and pick it up. If you agree to those two caveats you get a sizable pizza with your choice of three toppings, for eight dollars. And Domino’s makes good pizza. They didn’t used to, but all that’s changed. Oh, I’m not saying it’s the best pizza in the world. But for national chain fast food-style it’s pretty damn solid. Unlike the bowel movements you’ll be having if you don’t choose your toppings correctly.

So, right there it’s a fantastic deal, right? You can get a large hand-tossed (heh) or a medium pan for that price. Eight dollars! A stupid Big Mac meal costs more than that, and you’re getting an entire pizza that’s shockingly good. It’s enough for two people, at least. But check this out… Now they’re giving you a three dollar “tip” for picking the pizza up instead of having it delivered. It’s good for your next order, if that happens within a week. So, it knocks the already crazy deal down to five dollars. It’s incredible. I’m thinking about buying one today. I have one of those tips burning a hole in the pocket of my fat pants.

Do you know of a better deal? What do you believe is the best fast food bang for the buck? I desperately need to know.

And by the way, I constantly mix up the topping combinations, just to keep it interesting. One of my favorite recent combos was the medium pan with pepperoni, diced tomatoes and shredded Parmesan/Asiago. For some reason there’s magic when those three are combined. But I’ve tried many others, and attempt to not repeat myself. I even considered installing a randomizer on my computer, entering all the topping choices, and letting it choose the combinations for me. There are a few that I don’t like and would never order (hot buffalo sauce, banana peppers, black olives) and a couple that are extremely iffy (Feta, mushrooms). But that would be the fun of the randomizer, right? You win some and you lose some.

For the record, here are the topping choices:

If you were to order a pipin’ hot pie right now, which of the three would you go with? Please share your thoughts in the comments. What would be your topping combination(s), and is there a better deal in the entire fast food world? Also, which toppings would be on your NEVER list. Bring us up to date on these pressing issues.

Ha! This feels like a Domino’s sponsored post, but it’s not. It’s just some guy thinking about lunch and following his passion.

Oh, I almost forgot. The last time I ordered that deal the guy handed my pizza to me in one of those warming bags that delivery drivers use. What the hell, man? They’re taking that “you’re the driver” gimmick a little too far. Check it out. What am I supposed to do with this thing?? It’s substantial, not some cheap piece of crap. They’re doing this with every pizza?! What the hell is going on? Eventually I won’t be able to get the trunk lid down on my car. Also, I think it should be “Take Home” not “Bring Home.” Am I wrong about that?

Before I call it a day here… If you haven’t checked out my latest No New Jeffs column, here it is. I’m pretty happy with it; I hope you guys agree.

I’ll be back soon. Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

We’re heading down there on Sunday. I haven’t set foot in that state since I was a young teen, I think. A long time ago. But our family used to vacation there occasionally. I spent some time in Daytona, have been to Disney World, visited Fort Lauderdale and Miami and Key West. Other places too… a long time ago. This trip is going to focus on the Tampa/St. Petersburg area. My parents are down there, and we’re going to visit with them and explore a bit. It’ll be nice to get away from the daily soul-crushing grind, as well as the ice and cold.

Do you have any kind of relationship with the state of Florida? It definitely seems to leave an impression, heh. Both good and bad. I’d like to read yours, maybe while on the plane? Please tell us about it in the comments section.

I shared my limited Florida memories in the latest episode of the podcast, which you can play here:

And I apologize for this brief update, but I need to go to work. I’ll be working almost up to the moment we leave. Oh, it’s quite a life I’ve carved out for myself. All this and the baseball situation! Grrr… I was hoping to take in a Spring Training game down there, the teams involved would’ve been irrelevant. Bastards.

Anyway, before I go, I’d also like to invite you to check out the latest No New Jeffs column, right here. It’s a monthly column I’m writing at Substack about some aspect of aging. There’s a new one on the first day of every month.

Please share whatever memories you have of Florida, if you’re so inclined. And I’ll see you guys when we return.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

Hello Surf Reporters! I know I’ve been gone for far too long, and apologize for that. I could attempt an excuse, but won’t bother. Even if there’s truth in it, it’s still an excuse. And people don’t care for that. Right? Right. Today I thought I’d power through some random notes from the ol’ battered notebook of stupidity and bad ideas. So, let’s get to it, shall we?

— Are you familiar with the behemoth pictured above? If you worked in a record store during the 1980s or earlier you undoubtedly know exactly what it is, and probably experienced a full-body shiver at the mere sight of it. It was called the Phonolog, and featured all sorts of information about LPs, CDs, cassettes, etc. You could check it to see if something was still in print, for instance. And it had the label name and catalog number, in case you needed to place a special order. It was basically the authoritative reference tool for music retailers during the pre-computer era.

The problem? It had to be updated constantly. The store would pay a subscription fee to Phonolog, and they mailed updated pages rapid-fire. Every day, it seemed, we’d get another packet from them, and they would be tossed into a wire basket until someone was forced to deal with them. It would be pages 647 through 671 or whatever. Or sometimes just page 421. And you had to break that bastard down to swap out sections. It was quite an ordeal. “Jeff, can you update the Phonolog tonight?” was one of the most-feared sentences in the English language for a few years. No! Please God, no!! Anything but that!

Another thing I hated about it, was trying to track down a specific jazz or classical album that someone wanted, as they stood beside me waiting. I know very little about those genres of music, so it was like I’d entered a hall of mirrors. Just a complete overload of information… none of it making any sense to me. I might as well have been staring at the Arabic section of a food processor owner’s manual. Using that big-ass thing was almost as bad as being cornered by a woman in legwarmers who hosts an aerobics class, seeking new songs with specific beats per minute. Arrrgh!

Anyway, the Phonolog is further evidence that I’ve lived in two distinctly different worlds. Can you even imagine such a thing in 2022? Today there would be no record stores, of course, but if there were the person would just tap the screen of an iPad attached to their left hand and have the info in three seconds. You wouldn’t have a hundred pound book in the middle of the floor that is outdated every four or five hours. Ludicrous.

— Speaking of music, I got some possibly exciting news yesterday. I’m always listening to the Beatles Channel on SiriusXM, which is great. Whoever runs that thing does a fantastic job. Among the regular features there is something called My Fab 4. Listeners are allowed to pick four Beatles songs that they especially like and tell a brief story about each, explaining why it’s important to them. I hear it from time to time, and some of them are really good. Others… not so much. But I filled out an application a few months ago, and yesterday received an email from a guy at SiriusXM. He said I’d been selected to record a My Fab 4, and sent me a loose script I need to follow. I have to keep referring to myself as “Beatles fan Jeff,” which is borderline douchey. But the script is very open-ended. There’s plenty of opportunity to put my own stamp on it, so to speak. I just have to keep announcing the names of the songs, can’t use my last name, and repeat “the Beatles Channel on SiriusXM” at specific spots in the recording. I have about two weeks to send it in. I’ll keep you guys updated. I guess there’s a chance they won’t like it for some reason, and it’ll never air. But I’ll let everyone know if it does.

— And speaking of the Beatles, Surf Reporter Joe T. posted this article today on Facebook. It’s from two days after their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. He said it reminded him of the comments in his feed about this year’s Super Bowl halftime. Ha! That sounds right. I’d never seen that article before, and it’s outrageous. They all look like Moe?! He’s got a lot of nerve. Look at that guy’s photo! He has a stick jammed so far up his ass… Here are some more reactions to that 1964 program. The phrase “wrong side of history” jumps to mind.

— We purchased a really nice treadmill recently, after a couple of YEARS of hemming and hawing. We sprang for the “white glove” delivery, which means they delivered it, put it together, and removed the trash. Just the way I like it. I’ve used it several times since Saturday, and it’s great. It feels solid as a rock, and it’s huge. Very similar to the treadmills at Planet Fitness. I’m loving it so far. I put on some headphones and listen to podcasts or music, and it clears my head and lowers my level of bitterness and anxiety. Today, in case you’re keeping score at home, I listened to NRBQ At Yankee Stadium. One of my all-time favorites. And it got my Log Cabin syrup blood a-pumpin’ a bit, and my big beleaguered heart a-movin’. It’s good stuff. I’m happy with it so far.

I better go now. I need to be at work 38 minutes ago. I don’t think I’m going to make it.

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!