Toney gave me a Fitbit for Christmas and I’m obsessed (obsessed I tell you!) with the sleep analysis it provides. Oh sure, I glance at my daily number of steps (shuffles) and heartbeat rate and all that stuff, but the sleep info is what I’m fixated on. It confirms my suspicion that I’m a terrible sleeper. I didn’t used to be, but am now. Oh, in the old days I would mock people who complained about not being able to sleep. I suspected they were narcissistic drama queens, fishing for sympathy and attention. I wanted to shout, “Just get into bed and close your eyes, flutter-sucker!” But now I’m paying for my insensitivity.
I can’t sleep worth a shit. This is a relatively new development, maybe just the past two or three years. I can’t stay asleep and everything wakes me up. I was always the guy who could snooze through all manner of calamity, but not anymore. If somebody so much as scratches their ass in a different room I’m up for the day. I hate it. I’m in a constant state of fatigue, and my brain doesn’t work as well as it once did. And it was never that great to begin with. Ya know? At work I have to check myself or I’ll start building a drool-bridge between my bottom lip and keyboard.
This is my sleep summary from a random day last week. It’s pretty standard, nothing unusual. And look at that crap. I’m awake 17% of the time! I don’t remember being awake, but I reportedly was. And I only got 39 minutes of deep sleep: twice as much awake time than deep sleep time. That’s not good, my friends. My sleep score was 68 out of 100, which would earn me a D in school. In real life it earns me giant sacks under my eyes. And, like I say, this is a normal day for me.
Let’s compare my results with Toney’s. On the same night she slept for almost exactly the same amount of time, but look at her sleep score. I can only dream of reaching such heights. And speaking of dreaming, compare her REM and Deep Sleep percentages with mine. Crazy. This is all relatively new for me. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s ruining my life. I assume it’s due to aging and/or portliness. It’s the worst thing that’s happened since The Great Underwear Crisis of 2018, when I was hurtled into a hellish world of constant adjusting and tweaking and shifting and lifting.
This is all going to lead to me firing up a compressor in the bedroom and putting on a full-face mask before bed, isn’t it? It’s going to be like some kind of Silence of the Lambs bullshit up there. Do you have to pull a ripcord on the apparatus, like when you’re starting a mower? Sheesh. It’s never a dull moment since I turned 55 or so.
The Cannon Counts
My friend Tim, in Dunbar, purchased the Cannon Complete Series box set a while back, and has been compiling some stats as he watches the show. He’s now completed three seasons and here’s his most recent report, received just a few hours ago. You guys are the first to know, when there’s breaking news like this!
I believe some cops go through their entire multi-decade careers without firing their guns in the line of duty. Cannon, on the other hand, has taken 119 shots at people in three years. Shouldn’t there be some kind of investigation?? He, personally, has been shot 12 times during that stretch, as well. Isn’t that a traumatic experience, being struck by a bullet? If it happened one time to me, I’d never stop talking about it. He just bandages up the latest hole, puts on a chef hat, and starts cooking again.
Tim commented, “I’m worried about the number of times he’s been knocked unconscious. He had a case of amnesia in season 3, probably the result of all the head injuries.” Again, it’s gotta be a horrible experience to be knocked completely out. It’s never happened to me, not once. But it happened to Frank Cannon 13 times in three years! And all the fist fights too! Seventy?! What’s with this guy? Who gets into 70 fist fights as a morbidly obese middle aged man?
What are your thoughts on this latest Pulitzer-caliber investigation? Please share them in the comments.
And thanks Tim, for this valuable contribution to the kind of journalism we rarely see anymore!
The February No New Jeffs column
In the February column at Substack I wrote about the various forks in the road we all encounter throughout our lives. I focused on one in particular, but there were others, as well. Check it out, if you’re so inclined. Here’s the link. If you’d like to receive the monthly No New Jeffs column directly to your email inbox, sign up for a subscription. It’s free, and always will be. The sign up form is at the bottom of the page linked above.
The West Virginia Surf Report Podcast
And please don’t forget the podcast! It’s still going strong after more than 300 episodes. At midnight tonight I’ll upload episode 312, which features three new calls that came in to the Surf Report Hotline. Here’s the podcast website. And if you want to call in and possibly (probably) be a part of a future show, give us a ring ’round the clock at 570-290-8151. I’d love to hear from you.
Further Evidence The End Is Near
Oscar Mayer Wienermobile repaired after catalytic converter stolen in Las Vegas
McDonald’s to take down ‘tasteless’ McCrispy ad after it appears opposite crematorium
Disney announces Toy Story 5, Frozen 3, Zootopia 2, and 7,000 layoffs
Customer who bought 2 coffees at Starbucks hit with an erroneous $4K tip, forcing family to postpone trip to Thailand
Wisconsin is the drunkest state in America again
Passing bird shits on bride as couple recites their vows
‘Naked and Afraid’ contestant burns his penis sleeping next to a fire
Prostate cancer gave man ‘uncontrollable’ Irish accent
Hole in one? Golf ball successfully removed from teen’s anus
Woman charged with stealing $1.5M worth of chicken wings from school district
How a vintage Nissan transmission became a sex toy
Thank you guys for being a part of this! I’ll be back soon.
Have yourselves a great day!
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