Even though I’m obsessing about this crap, I try not to write about it too much. ‘Cause I know you guys don’t really give a tiny cashew-shaped shitlet – and rightly so. But this new site is giving me a case of the recta-hives.
Well, not the new site, exactly… More specifically, the way the new site works with the old one. My idea was to integrate the two, take advantage of the superior WordPress attributes for the daily updates, but still use FrontPage for the Smoking Fish gallery, and things like this. Even though FP sucks overall, it does do a few things well.
But I couldn’t get them to work together. I don’t know if it’s jealousy, or paranoia, or what, but they just don’t like each other. I hope not too many of you saw it, but last week the bunker cam threw a hissy-fit and turned into nothing but a HUGE collection of random letters and numbers and lightning bolts. Wotta mess.
Also, I had two homepages for a while, and it confused (or as one of my Little League coaches used to say, cornfused) Google. The old page was still receiving a lot of traffic, because of the “home” links at the bottom of every freakin’ update, and my stats were being split and diluted.
Consequently, our Google overlords demoted the Surf Report from a PageRank of five, down to a three. Which means we’re less “reliable” now, and will be listed lower in search results. And I can’t have that.
But, I’m working on all this stuff, and will get the bugs hammered out of it soon. In fact, I think I’ve finally unlocked the mystery of the FrontPage situation, and it’s working at the moment. If it continues to cooperate, I’ll have a metric shitload of great new Smoking Fish sightings to share with you on Monday.
Also, I’m using the old bunker cam page again, for sentimental reasons. What do you think, this or this? Is there a preference?
Over the weekend I’m planning to build an easy index that can be used to navigate the FrontPage archives, which are pretty much hidden at this point. And someday soon I’m confident I’ll be able to devote my full attention to The Ridiculousness again.
Thanks for your patience.
Yesterday I invested 12 British pounds ($22.03) in six months worth of access to the Clive Bull show archives. Since I started my “new” job (coming up on a year already), I haven’t been able to listen to Clive, and really miss it.
So, I paid the money, downloaded his show from Wednesday night, and listened to the whole thing at work yesterday. It was great.
I love radio and music, much more than TV and movies. Give me a bunch of old Jack Benny mp3s, some Jean Shepherd, Phil Hendrie, and Singles Going Steady, and I’m one satisfied sumbitch. But put me in front of a TV and I start to wince & fidget within thirty minutes…
And so it goes.
Have you ever paid cash-money for access to a radio show archive? Or the members-only section of a website? I used to pay Phil Hendrie $6.95 per month, but he stopped adding the material I wanted, so I quit. What about you? Is there anything worth it?
Last night I found myself locked into some kind of perpetual pee-loop with another man at work. Are you familiar with this phenomenon? You get into a pee-pattern that directly corresponds with someone else’s? I don’t care for it.
In fact, I tried to break out of it by ingesting large amounts of liquids. I thought I’d be able to force myself into a new sequence, and away from my accidental piss-partner.
But it didn’t work. Either he had the same idea, or his bladder sensed the adjustment I’d made, and took action.
It was disturbing. And since he was always the first to enter the bathroom (the cycles were off by roughly thirty seconds), I worried he might believe I was stalking him, and trying to catch a glimpse or something.
No, as far as I can tell, nothing good can come from a case of pissronicity. I was glad when they let us go home, where I could whizz freely and without fear of generating whispered rumors at the Kit Kat machine.
And something very strange just happened to me. Between the pee piece and now, Toney and I went to Scranton to get the propane tank filled, and stopped at a local yuppie bar on our way home.
And not that it has anything to do with the story, but we had two pints of Sierra Nevada each – and the tab was only ten bucks. Man, that’s simply excellent… Must’ve been happy hour.
Anyway, when we got home I went inside and dropped my keys and crap, and returned to the car for the tank. And while I was walking toward the front door some kind of insect swooped from the sky, and stung me on the back of the head!
What the hell, man?? It slammed into my noggin, hitting it with great force. And almost immediately I felt the old familiar pain, a memory from childhood. I’d been stung by something predatory, with a big ol’ chip on its waspy shoulder.
Shit, I’d been minding my own business; I wasn’t bothering anyone. It’s a wonder I didn’t go cascading down the stairs.
As I entered the house I was squealing like a retard at a roller derby, and Toney asked what was wrong. When I told her, her face contorted with the effort of trying to hold back laughter. And this is funny, a man innocently walking down a sidewalk, and being poisoned from the sky? This is what passes for comedy now??
Toney gave me an ice pack from the freezer, and I held it to the back of my head. But she kept going into the kitchen, where I think she was secretly using a loaf of French bread as a laugh-muffler. Unbelievable.
Now I’ve got a big ol’ knot on the back of my head, and I don’t feel quite right. I suspect I’ve been infected with something, and will eventually end up like this.
What would just dive from the sky, stinger-first, aiming at the back of someone’s head? I’ve never even heard of such a thing. What is this, Africa??
I bet hair will start falling out of the knot, by midnight. And then where will I be? I probably won’t even be able to go to Sam’s Club for my Saturday hotdog feed.
How long has it been since you’ve been stung by an insect? I think I was sixteen the last time it happened to me. And maybe someday I’ll tell that story as well… It was also traumatic.
And I’ll leave you now with a question from the Stealing Clive Bull’s Topics desk: what do you think is the ugliest car, currently in production? What’s your opinion on that one?
I’d give you mine, but I’m getting a little woozy here. You know, from the bat-bite, or whatever.
See ya soon, hopefully.
No way, First?
pays off to surf at night. Gott do something while drinking beer……… ummmmmmmmm beeeeeer.
I’m not drinking fullers…….. Just Coors, high test.
Why don’t I just go ahead and file for the first ten?
Ugly cars…. Vega? My dad had a baby blue one. Whatta lemon. He also had a Gremlin, sweet ride. It was green, no seat belts, and didn’t require a key. All you had to do was turn the rabbit ears. Chevy Chevette was a bad one also. A buddy had one that we called the “Shitvette”
First?
Won’t even lead myself to believe I’m first, even if this thing says I am.
Got stung by a bee when I was 16, in the pool at some mid-range hotel pool on the way to Myrtle Beach, while playing pool-ball with whoever was around to play.
Hurt like a beeeeeeeeyotch. And I’m hoping it never happens again.
Mmm, and no, I don’t pay for old radio. I’m way too aurally stimulated for all dat.
Ugliest car is the Chrysler PT Cruiser
Sponge is right… Chrysler PT Cruiser. So ugly I refuse to finance one nowadays… (that and the fact they bring $3000 under loan value at auction once I repossess one).
I had one repoed a few months ago and you’ll never guess what I found in it… the Cher box set. Imagine that.
Jeff, you are so fuckin’ funny. I laughed out loud three times prompting my significant other to say “what?” Oh yeah, fifth or whatever. I am in agreement with the PT Cruiser. It’s like trying to look retro, but in an ugly way. Take some Benadryl, you’ll be fine.
I vote for the old-school bunker cam.
Ugly Car? Any non-military Hummer. Maybe I’m confusing ridiculous with ugly….oh well…
Always played barefoot as a kid. Stepped on a bee in the front yard once. OUCH! I guess I was asking for it.
Honda Excrement…uh….Element.
Another vote for the PTC. I wanted to like it, but never did. I rode in one, rented one, and have seen my share of soccer moms in ’em. Sucks like a Hoover.
I like the old bunker cam format, without the sidebar and assorted shi-shi. Just an image and the inevitable WTF? moment.
Don’t pay for old radio. I do pay for stuff that I used to own on vinyl, but was too dumb to preserve until digital recording became available. I did buy a transcript of a talk show once, if that counts for anything (besides Grand High Dork status).
I get stung about every other year. Last time, a bee flew into my short-sleeve shirt while I was building a deck and reaching overhead. Fucker got me right in the armpit. It hurt for a week.
Since moving to NC, I’ve been attacked by all manner of tenacious black mosquitoes, creepy ticks, infuriating fleas, and bomber-sized cicadas. No bee stings yet.
Wasps and yellow jackets are nasty and attack for no reason. As Jesco White would say “Mother Effers”. Anyway, last time I was stung was at least 6 or so years ago while I was walking, barefoot, to get the mail and stepped on some unhappy bee. And, I vote for the old style bunker cam set up – the black and reddish photo frame look. It always did crack me up.
Pontiac Aztek
I vote for the old bunker cam.
The Toyota Prius is ugly as hell.
I haven’t been stung for a long time. I was always very allergic to bees and wasp as a kid. One time my little brother threw a football as I was walking out the back door and he managed to hit a wasp nest that went down the back of my shirt. And those wasp gave me a good ass whoopin. I had to go to the hospital.
jeff – i just used, for the five thousandth time, the words
metric shitload
to HUGE effect
if you’ve done nothing else besides making us laugh, opening our eyes, heightening our douche-o-meters, and the like, you’ve released ‘metric shitload’ into the wild.
as i often say – god bless jeff kay.
peace:
dr. buford
I like the old bunker cam look with the picture right in the middle.
Ugliest car. that honda thing that looks like a box on wheels.
What were the engineers thinking? We need cars that are stream lined and not much wind restistance. And that thing has a flat windshield. Makes no sense to me.
>As I entered the house I was squealing like a retard at a roller derby
One of the better “like a retard” metaphors.
**
The PT Cruiser is ugly, but I rented one once, and man, the engine was pretty peppy, & there was alot of room inside.. Being 6’5″ I appreciate such things.
And the Aztek is indeed the ugliest car on the road these days. The disfigured child of a minivan & an SUV.
I can’t remember the last sting before this summer, but I’ve had three of them recently; one wasp, one hornet and one yellow-jacket. I think they’ve declared war on me, and I don’t care for it, one bit!
Speaking of retards and disfigurement, when I was a kid I was playing frisbee & it went into a bunch of honeysuckle. This pissed off one of those big, fat furry bumblebees, & when I went to fetch the frisbee, that motherfucker stung me right between my upper lip & my nose. That area, while also very sensitive, full of nerves, & probably the worst place to get stung besides the eyeball or foreskin, it became horribly swollen & I looked & sounded like Special Ed for the next week.
I got stung on the leg by a red wasp while watering tomatoes last month, but that was nothing compared to the bumblebee.
A buddy of mine from work was on his motorcycle and a bee landed on his lip and stung it last week. When he came backfrom lunch it was swollen and his eyes were still watering. Damn we all had a good laugh over that one.
I just got back from watching Tropic Thunder, I don’t know if i am showing my age, but damn it was a shitty movie. Anyone here like it?
I drive a PTC, it was passed down to me from my Mother In Law when she got a Hummer H3, the second ugliest car currently made. The PTC is POS, nothing but problems and the most expensive “free” car I could own. I shouldnt bad mouth it though, heading to the OSU game tomorrow and it does make a good tailgating vehicle, dont want it to crap out on me at the ‘shoe.
Never been stung – was one of those “inside” kids, Ahem. But not nutty, mind you. Not a translucent. Why do I feel like I am over-explaining? lol
Anyway – I vote neither on the bunker cams. Get a “frame” that looks like a really ugly ornate gilt picture frame!
I was just stung a month ago on the pinkie finger while deadheading some flowers. Thought it was going to be okay, but ended up in the ER because I couldn’t stand the pain and the swellling was travelling across my hand. Got some good steriods and anti-biotics to take care of the problem.
I think the PT cruiser sucks. We rented one also (didn’t really have a choice, it was the only care left) Terrible to ride in and looks ugly, too.
when i lived in philadelphia, i was bookin’ down chestnut st., late for work. out of the blue, a wasp flew up my sleeve. bees sting once and die, but that sucker kept right on stinging. i started to do a wild boogaloo kind of dance in the middle of the street and began to attract a crowd—i think they thought i was a mummer and a parade was starting. anyhow, after partially undressing in the middle of the street, that little sob flew away, to sting someone else. the crowd dispersed, i went to work (at a hospital, no less) I had a total of seven stings, a swollen arm and a very shitty outlook that day.
The Prius gets my vote. The Kia Rondo seems all out of proportion too. If you want seriously ugly cars you have to go to Europe, or watch Top Gear. Try Googling “Fiat Multipla” or “Fiat Doblo”.
Jeremy day was going to be sunny ……………he was so ‘happy’ he was first ….
Oh wait and 2-nd and third and fourth ………
Wait your that little kid in school who always had to be first …….right >?
if they’re still making the aztek, that’s it, hands down. See http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=ugly_cars
Up the street from where I live, here in Morgantown, we have some giant bees that dig nests in the ground. I have never seen such a thing anywhere else – it only seems to be on the one street as far as I can tell. The bees are probably at least 2 inches long. I hope it was not one of those that got you.
Joe T got it right – Pontiac Aztec = U.G.L.Y. what were they thinking?
Don’t just pick on the Honda Element… what about all the recent Jeeps and Chryslers that look like rolling shoeboxes? Streamlining? We’ve heard of it. But then there’s the entire Ford “collection”. Holy mackerel.
Here’s a link to many eyeball-searing designs: http://jalopnik.com/tag/top-ten/
Also, check out the link below… is this accurate?
http://jalopnik.com/5043427/the-official-jalopnik-map-of-united-states-vehicular-douchebaggery
My vote’s for the retro Bunker Cam.
As for stingings, there were a lot in my youth as I was quite the active tomboy. Two incidents from my adulthood stand out.
One, I was in Upstate New York driving a large Chevy truck full of furniture down a steep hill with a mere wisp of a pull-off, beyond which was nothing but a sharp drop and deep woods. A wasp flew in my open window, landed on my leg, and crawled casually up my shorts. Sweet Jesus! As calmly as I could, I pulled the truck over and coasted it to a stop. Then using my hands I blocked off further access to, uh, the unmentionables and just waited until that fucker crawled out and left, which felt like an eternity. I’m quite amazed I wasn’t stung and/or went off the road. There’s something to be said for not panicking and flailing around.
Second, I was over in Germany with my then boyfriend and I hugged him in a park. Immediately I recoiled in pain and found a large stinger lodged in my finger. Apparently a bee or wasp had been on his back. Yes, it was a sign the relationship was doomed. But anyway, my finger swelled up like a bratwurst and I didn’t feel so hot. I guess because it was my first exposure to European venom. Stupid Nazi bees.
As for recent incidents, I was pulling weeds in my garden last week when I discovered a spider sitting on my arm, tucking in like it was Thanksgiving dinner. Needless to say that bastard wasn’t long for this world. But then there was the nauseating Internet search to make sure it wasn’t a recluse spider or some such thing. Nothing will put you off your lunch faster than doing a Google image search of a recluse spider. Blah!
The Scion B’s which I guess stands for box. Dead ugly.
As for the Bunker Cam…like the old.
College football and beer today….and maybe a little beer and college football.
I have to agree with the aztek,element, scion b, and any non-military hummer. Also must add the 2 colored box that Toyota is producing these days. Wally has the worst taste in vehicles. Does anyone else remember when JK labeled the Subaru a dyke car? Well, Wally drives a Forrester. He bought that because he knew I would make fun of the Element and Toyota.
As for stinging stories: I sat on an asp (caterpillar looking thing) as a teenager. That hurt like hell for a month. Stepped on a scorpion and couldn’t wear a shoe for 3 weeks. After those traumatic experiences all the bee and wasp stings pale in comparison.
Plaz, Tropic Thunder did suck ass. It’s only redeeming qualities wre Tom Cruise’s character (and I hate that Scientology faggot), Jack Black and his heoin addiction (because that is just funny), and the little asian kid on Ben Stiller’s back. Other than that the movie was total shit. And, yes, we may just be showiung our age!
Apparently, I am incapable of typing today!
Have a great weekend, Surf Reporters!
Ognir,
We recently found some of those ground dwelling bees in our yard in Alabama. I got out of bed a couple of weeks ago and when I passed the hall bathroom I noticed a note taped to it which said, “THERE’S A WASP IN HERE!!!!” And I could hear the water in the sink running.
So I went to ask my wife WTF and she said that she’d been messing around in the flower beds and a wasp came up and stung her on the bridge of the nose. She ran inside to inspect the damage and noticed that it had follwed her into the bathroom. So she ran out and slammed the door shut.
I got myself dressed in bee gear (a bathrobe, business socks, leather gloves, and a scarf) and grabbed a tennis racket from the garage. “What if he slips past the holes in the racket? She asked. “I thought you said it was frikken huge?” But she talked me into cutting one of the legs off a pair of her old pantyhose and stretching it over the racket. Sounded like a good idea.
The remaining leg of her pantyhose made its way over my head. She reasoned that this thing was a face attacker and it sounded reasonable at the time. In retrospect, I’m not sure pantyhose would stop a sting.
I went in there and looked everywhere. I shook the towels, I pulled back the shower curtain, rolled the toilet paper out, lifted the toilet seat – I even took a piss thinking that it would draw him out of hiding. Nothing. I never did find him. Still haven’t.
I went and bought some wasp killer from Lowe’s and she pointed me to the place in the flowerbed. I gave it a good soaking and raked the ground. I saw a honeycomb! Then a burst of them came buzzing out and I knocked them down with the poisen. I immediately thought, “African killers bees”. So I poured lighter fluid all over the area and burned it. Probably just being paranoid, but you never know. And death by bee stings is a very uncool way to go.
Shit! I didn’t realize that was such a giant post. Sorry.
We had an in-ground bees nest in the front flower bed a few years ago. Every morning, at exactly 6:55 (I’d be waiting for my carpooler to pick me up), they’d wake up and come zooming out of that hole like jet fighters off an air craft carrier. It was neat. One morning it was all dug up – I think a raccoon had gotten to it. I’ve never seen anything like it before.
Many many moons ago when working construction in MD, i got stung by a wasp on the arm. In no time flat it swelled up to twice its normal size, but didn’t hurt, just itched. Then a week later we were out on a job and there was a giant beehive inhibiting our progress, and we decided that “hitting it with a shovel” was the best method of removal. Well shortly after whacking that bastard a bee flew UP MY NOSE and stung me somewhere in the sinuses. My crew, especially the boys from Guatemala, gleefully awaited the oncoming swelling and my transformation into the elephant man.
They couldn’t stop laughing, however, it never swelled, the first bee must have been a different brand.
PAcer was the ALLTIME ugliest car, my mother wrecked ours on purpose.
JR keeps posting my stories!!!
Jason,
I think the people who live up the street are pouring gasoline in the holes they find. I hope to catch one of them someday, and take a photo of it.
Old school style bunker cam.
Ugly Cars: Guess this site really does bring together similar personality traits. Each and every vehicle mentioned is hideous. The unsettling thing is, that the Pontiac Aztec is still being produced. What does that tell you about the general buying public? They must be selling loads of them to keep production rolling.
My last wasp sting was around 1995. I was wiring up a row of portables and grabbed hold of the stack to haul myself onto the roof… As I’m dangling there a wasp comes out from the hole for the stack and stings me on my left elbow.. Holy Mother of God. Rotten bastard. Now, I bang/shake each stack before getting into a posistion that inhibits rapid movement.
Buick Rendevouz and the blue hairs that rode in on them.
http://www.edmunds.com/buick/rendezvous/review.html
The ugliest car, CURRENTLY in production, is the Scion B. I’d have to agree, it stands for (shoe)Box.
out, y’all
The Aztec is no longer (thank God) or that would have been my #1 pick. That car (suv?) is fugly. Pontiac recently replaced it with the Torrent, which is actually a pretty nice car. I had to repo one that I financed and felt comfortable unloading it onto a friend because it was such a good deal.
Adam- Do you have any job openings for an oversized, middle aged, screw-job??
I hear the life of a repo man is always instense.
Plate of shrimp.
Long story short, when I was about 12 I accidentally stirred up a yellow jacket’s nest and my mother quit counting at 33 stings. She was even combing them out of my hair! I had never been stung before, what a hell of a way to find out if you are allergic or not.
* An ordinary person spends his life avoiding tense situations. A repo man spends his life getting into tense situations.
* I shall not cause harm to any vehicle nor the personal contents thereof, nor through inaction let that vehicle or the personal contents thereof come to harm. It’s what I call the Repo Code, kid. Don’t forget it–etch it in your brain. Not many people got a code to live by anymore.
* Repo man’s always intense.