You know how I was complaining yesterday about our car salesman with the poor organizational skills? Well, he called Toney last night and wants us to come back in and sign a paper he forgot. I’m shocked, I tell ya. I might even go so far as to say flabbergasted.
It agitates me, but I guess I’m going to stop in there on my way to work today. I’ll call him and tell him I’m on my way. And I make a pledge to all of you now… If he’s not ready for me, or he’s bouncing around like goddamn Tigger, I’m turning around and leaving.
I’ll grant him a generous seven minute window. If he doesn’t have the document in front of me within that time, I’m gone. I’m not going to get sucked into his kaleidoscopic world of attention deficit caffeine abuse again. Seven minutes! That’s all he’s got.
Man, I’m already whipped-up, and haven’t even left the house.
While I was driving to work yesterday, I was thinking about how I wouldn’t mind being a dictator for a while. Oh, I wouldn’t be one of those horrible guys. There would be no rape rooms, or anything like that. I’d be a kinder, gentler dictator.
However, we’d have to set up a bunch of reeducation camps. And whenever I, or one of my lieutenants, observed questionable behavior, some folks would find themselves on an impromptu “vacation.”
Following too close on the interstate, for instance. That would earn you a week or two at one of our luxurious facilities. Same goes for making unnecessary sounds with your throat or lips, saying “anyhoo” or any of the other words on the quarantine list, and backing into parking spaces.
People who believe that something unfunny suddenly becomes funny when they say it REAL LOUD, might go for six months. And we would probably have to build a special camp for people who are always drumming, and girls who are constantly practicing their cheerleader moves.
Nothing bad would happen while the people were “away.” I want to make that clear. I’m not a monster. It would simply be an opportunity for them to take a good long look at themselves. We’d be helping them. Right?
Sure, we might have to set up an island for the incorrigibles, and remove those people altogether. But they could create their own little society of annoyance and assholery. It’s not like it would be a prison camp. Of course they wouldn’t be allowed to leave, for the rest of their lives, but that’s where the prison comparisons would end.
You guys, of course, would be my lieutenants. Surf Reporters are tuned in, better than most. And I’d like for you to brainstorm this idea today. How can we perfect our future dictatorship? What words and phrases would appear on the quarantine list? How can we make it better for everyone? Help me out, won’t you? Use the comments link below.
And if you don’t realize I’m joking, and are offended by any of this goofiness, start packing your bags. Camp Stick-In-The-Ass awaits.
Have a great day, my friends!
I’ll see ya next time.
Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!
“Not for nothing”
And not a word or phrase, but there needs to be a special camp for those folks who get in the left lane and live there, well below the speed limit because they will — eventually — make a left turn, you know in five or ten miles.
Please add “irregaurdless” I don’t even know how to begin to spell such a nonsensical word! Right up there with ” nuculer”….
Downfall of this Misfits Island — we would never again get an Eninen update. Those two would be the king and queen of our Socially Retarded Isle.
Billy Joel says
We will want to reeducate:
People who walk while the “Don’t Walk” sign is flashing
Folks who use the express (15 items or less) lane at the grocery store when they have 16 or more items
People with too many tattoos
People who don’t have enough tattoos
People who say ‘less’ when they mean ‘fewer’
I could care fewer
Billy Joel says
People who say “I could care less” when the correct sentiment is “I couldn’t care less.”
unless the lack of signature voids your ability drive new car, i would make him wait 3 days
I’d like an island for door to door religion salespeople. That’d be sweeeeeet.
Anyone driving into on-coming traffic with their brights on. That also warrants a Moe poke to the offender’s eyes.
People (usually Soccer Moms) who feed their kids from the produce aisle in the supermarket and put a banana peel or an apple core on the conveyer belt to be weighed.
Fucktards that start a conversation with you, then keep glancing at their smartphones. They should be exiled along with the socialy inept asswipes who can’t look up at you from their phones when YOU start a conversation.
6 to a year for anyone reaching into the salad bar with their booger hooks and not using the serving forks. Add another 3 months for the shitheads who start grazing before their salad gets weighed and priced.
Repetitive dick punches to anyone who uses these phrases at work: Game changer, Deal breaker, Taking one for the team, going forward, at the end of the day. Tack on 2 more years if used in one long continuous paragraph.
How about “kudo’s”?
Mother of god, that word makes me want to punch people.
OMG yes, Kudos – that gets dick punches AND swirlies.
Oh and tack on a swift ass kick to those who refer to taking a piss or dump as a “bio break”.
I think there’s an argument to be made that anyone who feels the need to announce an urge to urinate should be required to sing a couple of lines from Patti Smith’s “Pissing in a River”.
I’m just saying…
Bill in WV says
Anyone who uses the word “SICK” to describe something great gets a mandatory 6 months.
Anybody who writes a check at the super market- 3 to 6 months.
Clueless at a self serve gas station- 3 to 6 months.
Ordering over $10.00 worth of items at any fast food drive through- 6 to 9 months.
Telemarketers- 9 to 12 months.
Foreign telemarketers- 12 to 24 months.
Two or more separate orders from the same car (what, can’t divide?)–maximum sentence.
If you can’t put it down gently, then drop it like it’s hot and get off Becky’s ass. Jeff is trying to attract visitors and commenters to the site — not to drive them away.
And I don’t use checks, but I’d rather be behind an efficient check writer than a debit card bumbler. It’s about focus, not the object itself.
Excuse me? I’ll have you know I can pump gas as well as the next…oh wait…But I’ve already reserved my room at the camp because I’m the list for so many things.
I am from NY and it seems like it’s a NY thing but all my girlfriends on FB, when they see a cute pic of a baby, puppy, whatever etc. They will comment and all they say is “I can’t” “Omg I can’t”. What the f*ck is that? You can’t take it because it’s so cute or something?? I don’t get it and I think it’s so annoying.
Give yourself a chuckle and place a “u” where the “a” should be.
(I’m from NY, too!)
Huh? The U and the A?
Perhaps TR is sl*w because she occasionally inserts a * where a vow*l should be. In any case, I assume that these women mean that they can’t come, which probably makes them too sad to enjoy the cute picture.
But I’m not from New Y*rk, so how the fuck should I know?
so it then says OMG I cun’t.
Sorry, was trying ot be subtle!
Hmmm…that one’s new to me. I’m in Vegas, maybe an East Coast thing? As a woman that happens to love babies and puppies, I get the ” it’s so cute I can’t stand it” never heard an abbreviation.
Liza Zajac Whitehead says
Anyone who uses the term “in lieu of” when what they really mean is “in light of”.
People who incessantly complain about their money problems while sporting the latest/greatest smart phone, go on ridiculous vacations, drive new cars every 2 years and subscribe to the uber-ultra-mega cable package which includes every pay channel known to man.
Lori in Cbus says
Amen Liza!! i deal with a bitch at work that is like that and then proceeds to judge me because i like to go to the casino with my little 20 bucks every so often.
I’m the one with no bills but she’s up to her eyeballs so that’s a comfort.. but someday I will need someone to come bail me outta jail when I punch her in the froat
Lori….seriously…..we need to do a surf reunion!! I would love for you to come to the burg and party with us!!! You crack me the fuck up!!
The Qweezy Mark says
Anyone who refers to Arabian camels as dromedaries. Filthy fuckers need their nuts punched into their throats!
WB in OH says
But they are dromedaries. Now that I know a new word, I’m going to use to irritate someone today. (If I haven’t already)
The Qweezy Mark says
Yeah, but they don’t need to consult their Roget’s to prove they hold sway over the knowledge of the ungulate world! May a dick grow out of all their ears.
Gretchen in WV says
“saying “anyhoo” or any of the other words on the quarantine list”
Wait, there is a list? How did I miss the list?
I desperately need an entire post all about the list.
And I am definitely liking the suggestions from fellow reporters.
Saying “Oh, snap” – 1-3 months
Fellow employee who has to be shown SAME THING 3+ times and still doesn’t perform task properly – 1 year minimum
Using the word “irregardless” should go for a 3 to 6 month stint.
Miss Q says
Can we have particular “facilities” for particular offenses?
Root 66 says
Stay-cation and va-cay would be at the top of the list and require a mandatory 10-15. Other contenders include but are not limited to:
— “circle back”
— “re-invent the wheel”
— “touch base”
— “level the playing field”
— “giving 110%”
Bone-headed driving maneuvers would also require some extensive “rehabilitation:”
— deciding to change lanes without signaling;
— getting to the end of the ramp, and stopping;
— driving at dusk or dawn with no headlights on (owners of silver cars warrants harsher penalties);
— waving me on at a 4-way stop, then you go, too;
— waiting until you get to your exit and then expect everyone to stop and let you over because you’re in such a hurry. (This one might get the death penalty.)
And an aorta stomp to those precious few who still spout on and on about “thinking outside the box”
Other stupid driver tricks:
Remaining level with a car that’s signaling a lane change to block that move.
Speeding up to cut off an attempted lane change.
What would happen to me if I ordered extra pickles on my burger?
And mayonnaise. And then back into a parking spot to eat it.
Root 66 says
You might be allowed to do that, but for God’s sake–don’t make any chewing sounds or smack your lips! That will incite the wrath of our Fearless Leader!
The 4th Stooge says
Dictator Puppet 1: “First, you start a beer putch.”
Curly: “You PUTCH your beer down and wait for the pretzels!”
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear the phrase “Let’s build a dictatorship” and not think of the comedians who dared to make fun of Hitler first (on film, anyway). But yes, even though I’d get 3-6 months for writing checks at a supermarket (used to be that by the time I was off of work, the banks were closed–now, it’s due to all that unemployment moolah I get!) But shit–you can fill that shit out at home, in the car, or SOMEWHERE else that’s not holding people up! Or, you know, tear the check out and let the cashiers do their thing (if the store’s set up for that). I don’t mean to rant on any other check writers in the bunch, but, seriously–stop making us look like a bunch of imbeciles.
What about people who say they “reached out” instead of saying they “contacted” someone? I hate that. Jeff said nothing bad should happen to the people in exile, but that deserves at least a bitch slap.
People who abandon grocery carts next to their car, rather than walk it the 20 yards to the nearest cart corral = 6 months.
People who park in the fire lanes outside stores, rather than the empty parking space 50 feet away (what would happen if we *all* were that assholey, asshole?) = 6 months.
Thats at least a year. And then there are the asswipes that go out of their way to leave their cart one space away between two other cars… Thats 10 years. Minimum.
I have returned to my car, to find a grocery cart *behind* my car, blocking my trunk and exit. So, one of the assholes parked next to me apparently decided to push their cart just far enough out of *their* way, thinking “I’ll make this fuckwit move my cart for me”. THAT is top order assholery.
I’ve noticed some grocery stores in New Jersey hold a quarter hostage until you return the cart to the corral. I guess that makes sense given the number of assholes in New Jersey 🙂
Re: parking in Fire Lanes. The local Fire Dept should have a bulldozer that randomly runs down the fire lanes outside malls and shopping centers.
Bill in WV says
Aldi grocery stores do the quarter lock thing and I think that’s a GREAT IDEA !!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters (Lieutenants)…
Any self important asshole standing in line talking on a Bluetooth.
Any balding men that have a pony tail.
Any Wal-Mart mother who cannot control her brood of buzz cut hicklets,
Those women AND men who are a slave to fashion trends. Just because it’s “in”, doesn’t mean it looks good on you and you should be sporting it. So to the fatties (yes….I said fatties….what of it?) that squeeze into a pair of tights, a teeny tank top belly shirt and flip flops might want to check a mirror, if you own one, before leaving the house. To those wearing tights with the design so distorted it’s unrecognizable….6 months.
Bill in WV says
Amen sister! I constantly see women who appear to be bloodhounds wearing ski masks. I’ll usually give a kid a dollar to go over and pinch outlying fat on these types.
Brenda Love says
Those who say “Oh Led Zeppelin, I like him!” gets automatic life with no parole.
Improper use of the word “Literally” — Jeff Kay 2 week “re-education” center awaits!
Kelly from Iowa says
The term “raising awareness” makes me feel stabby.
Make sure they are not trying to change any terms of your sale Jeff. It smells suspicious.
It was an acknowledgment that they offered us “gap insurance,” and we declined. It was one sheet of paper, and the guy was actually semi-prepared.
Okay I know you don’t need my vote to run a dictatorship. But I’d vote for you anyway- just on the basis of your “don’t follow too close on the highway” platform. This morning I was being seriously followed by someone in a major rush… I was going the speed limit in the right lane, so the bastard could have gone around me. In a fit of rage, I decided to let him pass… then follow him as aggressively as he followed me. It felt good. Send him to the island.
Leaving a grocery cart blocking the aisle (or the produce scale) while wandering off somewhere – 6 months
Failure to use a turn signal – 6 months
Tailgating – 12 months
Accelerating up the “must turn” lane, then whipping back into the non-turning traffic – 12 months.
Stopping at the intersection and waving me through, even though I have a stop sign and you don’t – 3 months.
“Utilize” instead of “use”, or “going forward” instead of “from now on” – 4 months.
Regarding “Further Evidence”… is it just me, or did anyone else laugh that the fake Massage Therapy diploma has a headline that reads “Certificate of Completion”…?
Paradigm shift; synergy; and any misuse of math/physics to prove a preposterously moronic idea.
Dr Buford says
Jean Shepherd would be required listening at ‘Uncle Jeff’s Happy Fun Reeducation/Dick Punching Center’.
Chuck in Belpre says
Anyone using “Matter of National Security’ – 6 months as rug cleaner at Gitmo.
Root 66 says
Not to offend, since this is a “kinder, gentler” dictatorship, but the term “pet parents” sets my teeth on edge and I want to chuck a biology book at the imbecile saying it! I think rehabilitation at a pig farm could solve this problem.
Also when someone says that something is “for the children” they should be required to serve 6 months in a daycare or teach a junior high health class!
I was watching the news and some airplane was diverted to Scotland because a passenger found a bomb threat note in the bathroom.
The jackoff doing the news actually said “And there were even CHILDREN (great emphasis) on board.
yeah? so? Is the story supposed to be that much more traumatic because (gasp!) children were on board?
Pretty much normal for the media. One might think that if only adults were on board, they might have gone straight to their original destination.
The “child” card works for excuses on the job. One of my more less than honest excuses involved children. I was late to a college class, and the instructor started jumping my shit. I told her, “Hey there was a house fire about half a mile down the road. I got there before the fire department and rescued a kid. Sorry I had to stop by the restroom to clean up (brushing the front of my shirt), but I had burning baby all over me. Sad but true, she bought it! She was really cute and we ended up dating after the semester.
In Washington State they pirated the cigarette tax that was implemented to help smokers, to an education fund. Back when I smoked, whenever someone asked me why I smoked, I’d say, “I’m doing it for the children!”
I think I would do well running the re-education camp under the Department of Hurry Your Ass Up and Get Out of the Way.
Patty in Cleveland says
Irregardless should be six months to a year
Lew in bama says
Re-educate my whole office please…
“the bottom line” – 5 years
“one more time” – life sentence
“could care less” when you mean “could not care less” = life with no chance of parole.
“flash mob” turn the offender into a human pinata.
Storm chasers…especially the televised variety. Guys, you aren’t doing anything that scientists don’t already know.
I especially hate the show “Storm Riders.” Three guys with a video camera shooting footage while obviously sporting woodies. “Ooooh, oooh, oooh, that wall cloud is just about to touch down in Moore, Oklahoma. I am giddy with delight. From here, we can actually see Mrs. Johnson’s kindergarten class rotating around in the funnel cloud. I am giddy! Uhhhh, does anyone have some Kleenex, I seem to have had a High Pressure system erupt in my khakis!”
This may be an east coast thing, but a punishable offense is saying ” when I graduated highschool.” What happened to graduating FROM high school? Or when people say ” such and such happened when I’m 23.” That’s sounds positively retarded. “Such and such happened when I was 23.” Right?