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Calling All Surf Reporters: Let’s Build a Dictatorship!

June 18, 2013 By Jeff 72 Comments

dic-taterYou know how I was complaining yesterday about our car salesman with the poor organizational skills? Well, he called Toney last night and wants us to come back in and sign a paper he forgot. I’m shocked, I tell ya. I might even go so far as to say flabbergasted.

It agitates me, but I guess I’m going to stop in there on my way to work today. I’ll call him and tell him I’m on my way. And I make a pledge to all of you now… If he’s not ready for me, or he’s bouncing around like goddamn Tigger, I’m turning around and leaving.

I’ll grant him a generous seven minute window. If he doesn’t have the document in front of me within that time, I’m gone. I’m not going to get sucked into his kaleidoscopic world of attention deficit caffeine abuse again. Seven minutes! That’s all he’s got.

Man, I’m already whipped-up, and haven’t even left the house.

While I was driving to work yesterday, I was thinking about how I wouldn’t mind being a dictator for a while. Oh, I wouldn’t be one of those horrible guys. There would be no rape rooms, or anything like that. I’d be a kinder, gentler dictator.

However, we’d have to set up a bunch of reeducation camps. And whenever I, or one of my lieutenants, observed questionable behavior, some folks would find themselves on an impromptu “vacation.”

Following too close on the interstate, for instance. That would earn you a week or two at one of our luxurious facilities. Same goes for making unnecessary sounds with your throat or lips, saying “anyhoo” or any of the other words on the quarantine list, and backing into parking spaces.

People who believe that something unfunny suddenly becomes funny when they say it REAL LOUD, might go for six months. And we would probably have to build a special camp for people who are always drumming, and girls who are constantly practicing their cheerleader moves.

Nothing bad would happen while the people were “away.” I want to make that clear. I’m not a monster. It would simply be an opportunity for them to take a good long look at themselves. We’d be helping them. Right?

Sure, we might have to set up an island for the incorrigibles, and remove those people altogether. But they could create their own little society of annoyance and assholery. It’s not like it would be a prison camp. Of course they wouldn’t be allowed to leave, for the rest of their lives, but that’s where the prison comparisons would end.

You guys, of course, would be my lieutenants. Surf Reporters are tuned in, better than most. And I’d like for you to brainstorm this idea today. How can we perfect our future dictatorship? What words and phrases would appear on the quarantine list? How can we make it better for everyone? Help me out, won’t you? Use the comments link below.

And if you don’t realize I’m joking, and are offended by any of this goofiness, start packing your bags. Camp Stick-In-The-Ass awaits.

Have a great day, my friends!

I’ll see ya next time.

Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Dogberry says

    June 18, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    “Not for nothing”
    “NucUlar”
    “My bad”

    And not a word or phrase, but there needs to be a special camp for those folks who get in the left lane and live there, well below the speed limit because they will — eventually — make a left turn, you know in five or ten miles.

    Reply
    • Rachael says

      June 28, 2013 at 7:04 am

      Please add “irregaurdless” I don’t even know how to begin to spell such a nonsensical word! Right up there with ” nuculer”….

      Reply
  2. Jimbo says

    June 18, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Downfall of this Misfits Island — we would never again get an Eninen update. Those two would be the king and queen of our Socially Retarded Isle.

    Reply
  3. Billy Joel says

    June 18, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    We will want to reeducate:

    People who walk while the “Don’t Walk” sign is flashing
    Folks who use the express (15 items or less) lane at the grocery store when they have 16 or more items
    Shoe Buyers
    Lemonade Drinkers
    People with too many tattoos
    People who don’t have enough tattoos

    Reply
    • DataTater says

      June 19, 2013 at 3:18 pm

      People who say ‘less’ when they mean ‘fewer’

      Reply
      • theo says

        June 20, 2013 at 12:36 pm

        I could care fewer

        Reply
        • Billy Joel says

          June 20, 2013 at 4:18 pm

          touche

          Reply
        • CADude says

          June 20, 2013 at 5:37 pm

          People who say “I could care less” when the correct sentiment is “I couldn’t care less.”

          Reply
  4. ron says

    June 18, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    unless the lack of signature voids your ability drive new car, i would make him wait 3 days

    Reply
  5. al says

    June 18, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    I’d like an island for door to door religion salespeople. That’d be sweeeeeet.

    Reply
  6. madz1962 says

    June 18, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Anyone driving into on-coming traffic with their brights on. That also warrants a Moe poke to the offender’s eyes.

    People (usually Soccer Moms) who feed their kids from the produce aisle in the supermarket and put a banana peel or an apple core on the conveyer belt to be weighed.

    Fucktards that start a conversation with you, then keep glancing at their smartphones. They should be exiled along with the socialy inept asswipes who can’t look up at you from their phones when YOU start a conversation.

    6 to a year for anyone reaching into the salad bar with their booger hooks and not using the serving forks. Add another 3 months for the shitheads who start grazing before their salad gets weighed and priced.

    Repetitive dick punches to anyone who uses these phrases at work: Game changer, Deal breaker, Taking one for the team, going forward, at the end of the day. Tack on 2 more years if used in one long continuous paragraph.

    Reply
    • BoMama says

      June 18, 2013 at 2:44 pm

      How about “kudo’s”?
      Mother of god, that word makes me want to punch people.

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        June 18, 2013 at 3:22 pm

        OMG yes, Kudos – that gets dick punches AND swirlies.

        Reply
        • madz1962 says

          June 18, 2013 at 3:22 pm

          Oh and tack on a swift ass kick to those who refer to taking a piss or dump as a “bio break”.

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            June 18, 2013 at 11:21 pm

            I think there’s an argument to be made that anyone who feels the need to announce an urge to urinate should be required to sing a couple of lines from Patti Smith’s “Pissing in a River”.

            I’m just saying…

            jtb

            Reply
  7. Bill in WV says

    June 18, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Anyone who uses the word “SICK” to describe something great gets a mandatory 6 months.

    Reply
  8. DaveF says

    June 18, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Anybody who writes a check at the super market- 3 to 6 months.
    Clueless at a self serve gas station- 3 to 6 months.
    Ordering over $10.00 worth of items at any fast food drive through- 6 to 9 months.
    Telemarketers- 9 to 12 months.
    Foreign telemarketers- 12 to 24 months.
    Becky- Life

    Reply
    • Vicki says

      June 18, 2013 at 4:03 pm

      Two or more separate orders from the same car (what, can’t divide?)–maximum sentence.

      Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      June 18, 2013 at 11:16 pm

      If you can’t put it down gently, then drop it like it’s hot and get off Becky’s ass. Jeff is trying to attract visitors and commenters to the site — not to drive them away.

      And I don’t use checks, but I’d rather be behind an efficient check writer than a debit card bumbler. It’s about focus, not the object itself.

      jtb

      Reply
    • Clueless says

      June 19, 2013 at 8:02 am

      Excuse me? I’ll have you know I can pump gas as well as the next…oh wait…But I’ve already reserved my room at the camp because I’m the list for so many things.

      Reply
  9. TR says

    June 18, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    I am from NY and it seems like it’s a NY thing but all my girlfriends on FB, when they see a cute pic of a baby, puppy, whatever etc. They will comment and all they say is “I can’t” “Omg I can’t”. What the f*ck is that? You can’t take it because it’s so cute or something?? I don’t get it and I think it’s so annoying.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      June 18, 2013 at 3:09 pm

      Give yourself a chuckle and place a “u” where the “a” should be.

      (I’m from NY, too!)

      Reply
      • TR says

        June 18, 2013 at 5:26 pm

        Huh? The U and the A?

        Reply
        • johnthebasket says

          June 18, 2013 at 11:08 pm

          Perhaps TR is sl*w because she occasionally inserts a * where a vow*l should be. In any case, I assume that these women mean that they can’t come, which probably makes them too sad to enjoy the cute picture.

          But I’m not from New Y*rk, so how the fuck should I know?

          jtb

          Reply
          • madz1962 says

            June 19, 2013 at 2:21 pm

            so it then says OMG I cun’t.

            Sorry, was trying ot be subtle!

            Reply
    • Rachael says

      June 28, 2013 at 7:11 am

      Hmmm…that one’s new to me. I’m in Vegas, maybe an East Coast thing? As a woman that happens to love babies and puppies, I get the ” it’s so cute I can’t stand it” never heard an abbreviation.

      Reply
  10. Liza Zajac Whitehead says

    June 18, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Anyone who uses the term “in lieu of” when what they really mean is “in light of”.

    People who incessantly complain about their money problems while sporting the latest/greatest smart phone, go on ridiculous vacations, drive new cars every 2 years and subscribe to the uber-ultra-mega cable package which includes every pay channel known to man.

    Reply
    • Lori in Cbus says

      June 18, 2013 at 5:39 pm

      Amen Liza!! i deal with a bitch at work that is like that and then proceeds to judge me because i like to go to the casino with my little 20 bucks every so often.

      I’m the one with no bills but she’s up to her eyeballs so that’s a comfort.. but someday I will need someone to come bail me outta jail when I punch her in the froat

      Reply
      • bikerchick says

        June 18, 2013 at 8:00 pm

        Lori….seriously…..we need to do a surf reunion!! I would love for you to come to the burg and party with us!!! You crack me the fuck up!!

        Reply
  11. The Qweezy Mark says

    June 18, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Anyone who refers to Arabian camels as dromedaries. Filthy fuckers need their nuts punched into their throats!

    Reply
    • WB in OH says

      June 18, 2013 at 3:12 pm

      But they are dromedaries. Now that I know a new word, I’m going to use to irritate someone today. (If I haven’t already)

      Reply
      • The Qweezy Mark says

        June 18, 2013 at 5:30 pm

        Yeah, but they don’t need to consult their Roget’s to prove they hold sway over the knowledge of the ungulate world! May a dick grow out of all their ears.

        Reply
  12. Gretchen in WV says

    June 18, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    “saying “anyhoo” or any of the other words on the quarantine list”

    Wait, there is a list? How did I miss the list?
    I desperately need an entire post all about the list.

    And I am definitely liking the suggestions from fellow reporters.

    Saying “Oh, snap” – 1-3 months
    Fellow employee who has to be shown SAME THING 3+ times and still doesn’t perform task properly – 1 year minimum

    Reply
  13. Kim says

    June 18, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    Using the word “irregardless” should go for a 3 to 6 month stint.

    Reply
  14. Miss Q says

    June 18, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Can we have particular “facilities” for particular offenses?

    Reply
  15. Root 66 says

    June 18, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Stay-cation and va-cay would be at the top of the list and require a mandatory 10-15. Other contenders include but are not limited to:

    — “circle back”
    — “re-invent the wheel”
    — “touch base”
    — “level the playing field”
    — “giving 110%”
    — “Synergy”

    Bone-headed driving maneuvers would also require some extensive “rehabilitation:”

    — deciding to change lanes without signaling;
    — getting to the end of the ramp, and stopping;
    — driving at dusk or dawn with no headlights on (owners of silver cars warrants harsher penalties);
    — waving me on at a 4-way stop, then you go, too;
    — waiting until you get to your exit and then expect everyone to stop and let you over because you’re in such a hurry. (This one might get the death penalty.)

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      June 18, 2013 at 3:24 pm

      And an aorta stomp to those precious few who still spout on and on about “thinking outside the box”

      Reply
    • Seanette says

      June 18, 2013 at 6:49 pm

      Other stupid driver tricks:
      Remaining level with a car that’s signaling a lane change to block that move.

      Speeding up to cut off an attempted lane change.

      Reply
  16. bikerchick says

    June 18, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    What would happen to me if I ordered extra pickles on my burger?

    Reply
    • Dogberry says

      June 18, 2013 at 3:37 pm

      And mayonnaise. And then back into a parking spot to eat it.

      Reply
    • Root 66 says

      June 18, 2013 at 3:41 pm

      You might be allowed to do that, but for God’s sake–don’t make any chewing sounds or smack your lips! That will incite the wrath of our Fearless Leader!

      Reply
  17. The 4th Stooge says

    June 18, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    Dictator Puppet 1: “First, you start a beer putch.”
    Larry: “How?”
    Curly: “You PUTCH your beer down and wait for the pretzels!”

    I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear the phrase “Let’s build a dictatorship” and not think of the comedians who dared to make fun of Hitler first (on film, anyway). But yes, even though I’d get 3-6 months for writing checks at a supermarket (used to be that by the time I was off of work, the banks were closed–now, it’s due to all that unemployment moolah I get!) But shit–you can fill that shit out at home, in the car, or SOMEWHERE else that’s not holding people up! Or, you know, tear the check out and let the cashiers do their thing (if the store’s set up for that). I don’t mean to rant on any other check writers in the bunch, but, seriously–stop making us look like a bunch of imbeciles.

    Reply
  18. Linda says

    June 18, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    What about people who say they “reached out” instead of saying they “contacted” someone? I hate that. Jeff said nothing bad should happen to the people in exile, but that deserves at least a bitch slap.

    Reply
  19. Limey says

    June 18, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    People who abandon grocery carts next to their car, rather than walk it the 20 yards to the nearest cart corral = 6 months.

    People who park in the fire lanes outside stores, rather than the empty parking space 50 feet away (what would happen if we *all* were that assholey, asshole?) = 6 months.

    Reply
    • Alex says

      June 18, 2013 at 5:19 pm

      Thats at least a year. And then there are the asswipes that go out of their way to leave their cart one space away between two other cars… Thats 10 years. Minimum.

      Reply
      • Limey says

        June 18, 2013 at 6:00 pm

        I have returned to my car, to find a grocery cart *behind* my car, blocking my trunk and exit. So, one of the assholes parked next to me apparently decided to push their cart just far enough out of *their* way, thinking “I’ll make this fuckwit move my cart for me”. THAT is top order assholery.

        I’ve noticed some grocery stores in New Jersey hold a quarter hostage until you return the cart to the corral. I guess that makes sense given the number of assholes in New Jersey 🙂

        Re: parking in Fire Lanes. The local Fire Dept should have a bulldozer that randomly runs down the fire lanes outside malls and shopping centers.

        Reply
        • Bill in WV says

          June 19, 2013 at 11:06 am

          Aldi grocery stores do the quarter lock thing and I think that’s a GREAT IDEA !!

          Reply
  20. JCIII says

    June 18, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters (Lieutenants)…

    Any self important asshole standing in line talking on a Bluetooth.

    Any balding men that have a pony tail.

    Any Wal-Mart mother who cannot control her brood of buzz cut hicklets,

    Reply
  21. bikerchick says

    June 18, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Those women AND men who are a slave to fashion trends. Just because it’s “in”, doesn’t mean it looks good on you and you should be sporting it. So to the fatties (yes….I said fatties….what of it?) that squeeze into a pair of tights, a teeny tank top belly shirt and flip flops might want to check a mirror, if you own one, before leaving the house. To those wearing tights with the design so distorted it’s unrecognizable….6 months.

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      June 19, 2013 at 11:08 am

      Amen sister! I constantly see women who appear to be bloodhounds wearing ski masks. I’ll usually give a kid a dollar to go over and pinch outlying fat on these types.

      Reply
  22. Brenda Love says

    June 18, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    Those who say “Oh Led Zeppelin, I like him!” gets automatic life with no parole.

    Reply
  23. JonnyB says

    June 18, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    Improper use of the word “Literally” — Jeff Kay 2 week “re-education” center awaits!

    Reply
  24. Kelly from Iowa says

    June 18, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    The term “raising awareness” makes me feel stabby.

    Reply
  25. Alex says

    June 18, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    Make sure they are not trying to change any terms of your sale Jeff. It smells suspicious.

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      June 19, 2013 at 12:01 pm

      It was an acknowledgment that they offered us “gap insurance,” and we declined. It was one sheet of paper, and the guy was actually semi-prepared.

      Reply
  26. nalts says

    June 18, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    Okay I know you don’t need my vote to run a dictatorship. But I’d vote for you anyway- just on the basis of your “don’t follow too close on the highway” platform. This morning I was being seriously followed by someone in a major rush… I was going the speed limit in the right lane, so the bastard could have gone around me. In a fit of rage, I decided to let him pass… then follow him as aggressively as he followed me. It felt good. Send him to the island.

    Reply
  27. chill says

    June 18, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    Leaving a grocery cart blocking the aisle (or the produce scale) while wandering off somewhere – 6 months

    Failure to use a turn signal – 6 months

    Tailgating – 12 months

    Accelerating up the “must turn” lane, then whipping back into the non-turning traffic – 12 months.

    Stopping at the intersection and waving me through, even though I have a stop sign and you don’t – 3 months.

    “Utilize” instead of “use”, or “going forward” instead of “from now on” – 4 months.
    .

    Reply
  28. chill says

    June 18, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    Regarding “Further Evidence”… is it just me, or did anyone else laugh that the fake Massage Therapy diploma has a headline that reads “Certificate of Completion”…?
    .

    Reply
  29. lucas says

    June 18, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    Paradigm shift; synergy; and any misuse of math/physics to prove a preposterously moronic idea.

    Reply
  30. Dr Buford says

    June 18, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    Jean Shepherd would be required listening at ‘Uncle Jeff’s Happy Fun Reeducation/Dick Punching Center’.

    Reply
  31. Chuck in Belpre says

    June 18, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    Anyone using “Matter of National Security’ – 6 months as rug cleaner at Gitmo.

    Reply
  32. Root 66 says

    June 19, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Not to offend, since this is a “kinder, gentler” dictatorship, but the term “pet parents” sets my teeth on edge and I want to chuck a biology book at the imbecile saying it! I think rehabilitation at a pig farm could solve this problem.

    Also when someone says that something is “for the children” they should be required to serve 6 months in a daycare or teach a junior high health class!

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      June 19, 2013 at 2:24 pm

      I was watching the news and some airplane was diverted to Scotland because a passenger found a bomb threat note in the bathroom.

      The jackoff doing the news actually said “And there were even CHILDREN (great emphasis) on board.

      yeah? so? Is the story supposed to be that much more traumatic because (gasp!) children were on board?

      Reply
    • clintcurtis says

      June 20, 2013 at 9:45 am

      Pretty much normal for the media. One might think that if only adults were on board, they might have gone straight to their original destination.
      The “child” card works for excuses on the job. One of my more less than honest excuses involved children. I was late to a college class, and the instructor started jumping my shit. I told her, “Hey there was a house fire about half a mile down the road. I got there before the fire department and rescued a kid. Sorry I had to stop by the restroom to clean up (brushing the front of my shirt), but I had burning baby all over me. Sad but true, she bought it! She was really cute and we ended up dating after the semester.

      Reply
    • clintcurtis says

      June 20, 2013 at 9:50 am

      In Washington State they pirated the cigarette tax that was implemented to help smokers, to an education fund. Back when I smoked, whenever someone asked me why I smoked, I’d say, “I’m doing it for the children!”

      Reply
  33. icecycle66 says

    June 19, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    I think I would do well running the re-education camp under the Department of Hurry Your Ass Up and Get Out of the Way.

    Reply
  34. Patty in Cleveland says

    June 19, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    Irregardless should be six months to a year

    Reply
  35. Lew in bama says

    June 19, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Re-educate my whole office please…
    “the bottom line” – 5 years
    “one more time” – life sentence

    Reply
  36. Limey says

    June 19, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    “could care less” when you mean “could not care less” = life with no chance of parole.

    Reply
  37. madz1962 says

    June 20, 2013 at 9:27 am

    “flash mob” turn the offender into a human pinata.

    Reply
  38. clintcurtis says

    June 20, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Storm chasers…especially the televised variety. Guys, you aren’t doing anything that scientists don’t already know.
    I especially hate the show “Storm Riders.” Three guys with a video camera shooting footage while obviously sporting woodies. “Ooooh, oooh, oooh, that wall cloud is just about to touch down in Moore, Oklahoma. I am giddy with delight. From here, we can actually see Mrs. Johnson’s kindergarten class rotating around in the funnel cloud. I am giddy! Uhhhh, does anyone have some Kleenex, I seem to have had a High Pressure system erupt in my khakis!”

    Reply
  39. Rachael says

    June 28, 2013 at 8:56 am

    This may be an east coast thing, but a punishable offense is saying ” when I graduated highschool.” What happened to graduating FROM high school? Or when people say ” such and such happened when I’m 23.” That’s sounds positively retarded. “Such and such happened when I was 23.” Right?

    Reply

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