I was at work a few nights ago, and walked through a room where three or four people were talking. As I passed by, one of them said, “Why don’t you ask Jeff? I bet he’d know.” Then they all busted out laughing.
I executed one of those military heel-turns, and went over to them. “What are you guys talking about?” I demanded.
“Oh, we were just joking,” one of them said, which made it clear I wasn’t going to like what was to follow. Turns out, they were discussing the price of Viagra. And since I’m, you know, a broken-down old man in their eyes… I’d surely have voluminous dick-pill information at the ready.
Yes, I’m buckled-over with laughter. That’s some quality “joking,” right there. Bastards.
People are always busting balls, and that’s fine. I’m not the thenthitive type. But I believe it was the first time anyone had come at me for being old. I guess I’ve officially crossed over into some new category now? Is that what’s happened? Fantastic.
I guess I should now brace for adult diaper comedy, right? Yes, every day is a treat.
Yesterday, for instance. I had to go to Wegmans, to buy stuff for dinner. Toney was at work, and she put me in charge. And that usually means one thing: taco salad. It’s easy, everybody likes it, and it requires very little cooking.
The younger boy went along, and we stopped at Wendy’s beforehand, to fortify ourselves with grease. And check out the way some assholes left the trays:
I did about ten minutes on those things, while driving to the grocery store. It annoyed me for several reasons. For one, there’s a pronounced lack of consideration for the next guy. Ya know? Like George Costanza says, “We live in a society!” Also, how is such disorganization acceptable? What kind of degenerate would leave stackable trays unstacked like that? I’m not kidding, it would be physically impossible for me to walk away from such a situation. It’s still bugging me.
We made it to Wegmans, and I gave my son a break by complaining about some new things. I temporarily set aside TrayGate.
There were a couple of yuppies sauntering through the parking lot, with their mandatory coffee cups, acting like they were out for a stroll in Central Park. We couldn’t get around them, because two zitsters were monkeying with one of those motorized cart-pushers. So we were trapped, forced to saunter, as well. Grrr…
I had to urinate like Man o’ War, and when we FINALLY got inside the store, I made a beeline for the men’s room. It was a full-house. Every stall and urinal was occupied. One guy had his pants and underwear pulled down to his knees, so his entire ass crack was out in the open, for all to see. Jesus J. McChrist.
I turned to leave in a huff, and nearly bumped into some dipshit who was grooming himself in the mirror. He was putting handfuls of water into his hair, and slicking it back with a comb. This is a grocery store, asshole. Not Studio 54.
I maneuvered around that douche, exited the bathroom, and bumped into a shopping cart that was left DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. More lack of consideration. I gave it a shove, and it finally came to rest deep inside the produce section, against a display of tomatoes.
For the next five minutes I ranted about the kind of person who would leave a cart in front of a bathroom door, and how I wished people like that would be rounded up and shipped off to an internment camp. My son just sighed and rolled his eyes, and some sauntering coffee-sipper shot me a dirty look. Oh, I see. I’m the problem.
I bought all the stuff it takes to build a proper taco salad, and it came to $18. My inner-sensors told me it was roughly 20% too much, but what are you gonna do? I then bought a six-pack of Sam Adams Rebel IPA. In Pennsylvania beer sales are separate, and have to happen at a different cash register. It’s completely ludicrous, but I’ve been beaten down by The Man and conditioned to accept it.
As we walked back to the car, I voiced my displeasure at those motorized cart-pushers again. It’s a common theme. You see, when I was gathering carts at grocery stores, during the early 1980s, we shoved long lines of the things – with our legs and back. We didn’t have an apparatus, with an idiotic neon flag on it, to supplement our efforts. Hell, I could thread the needle on a run, with 40 connected carts, straight through the front door of the store. But these kids today… they need a remote-controlled robot with a flashing light on it. Pathetic.
As soon as we left the parking lot, and I stopped complaining for a minute or two, I realized I still had to pee, with a fiery fury. So, I started complaining about that.
When we got home my son disappeared into his room, and I didn’t see him again for hours. It’s funny how that happens, following most of our father/son outings. Oh well.
I finally went to the bathroom, and it sounded like Niagara Falls in there. Ahhhh… Then I swabbed my nose wart with apple cider vinegar, and the thing came off. Did I tell you guys I’ve been trying to kill my nose wart with vinegar? Well, it freaking worked. It’s totally gone, and there’s no sign it was ever there.
I got the idea from an article I read online. It said to put apple cider vinegar on a cotton ball, and hold it to the wart for about five minutes, three times per day. It took about a week, and the thing is completely gone. Halfway through the process it started to burn real bad, then scabbed over. Yesterday the scab came off, and there’s nothing but smoove skin where the wart used to be. Crazy, huh? The whole treatment cost $1.19. And there’s plenty of “wart medicine” left over, for salads or whatever.
I bet those smartass Viagra boys couldn’t help but be impressed by that story, right? …Hello?
I’ll see you guys again soon. I had fun writing this one. It felt like old times.
Have yourselves a great day.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!
First.
It does seem like situational awareness has gone the way of the Dodo and common sense.
I’m constantly ranting about that sort of thing.
The level of stupidity I seem to encounter daily is Bob mind boggling and on the increase.
Both, not Bob. Autocorrect got me again.
Mr. Sunshine here, Jorge. You wrote three sentences and didn’t bother to proof. You are the perp, not the vic. I wouldn’t mention this, except it’s pretty obvious — and you used the F-word.
jtb
I believe that Bob mind boggling is actually the correct term to use here. Except you need to hyphenate:
Bob-mind-boggling.
I think it works on hemorrhoids, too.
The Allentown Wegmans is the same exact way. Love the store but hate going there.
Great update – thanks, Jeff! It read like old times.
The only problem I have with the Wegmans near me is that they keep discontinuing products I like. Also, moving shit around for no apparent reason. But the prices are about the cheapest in town for normal groceries; I suspect the grocery prices are subsidized by the prepared foods, olive bar and the like.
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Great update Jeff! The trays HAD to have been left like that on purpose, likely by some hilarious high schooler. Surprised they didn’t build a house-of-cards style structure with ’em. I mean, that’s what I would have done, in my high school dipshit days.
Well done Jeff, outstanding!!
Definitely like old times. I miss those old times.
I almost blew milk through my nose at the guy with the ass crack hanging out.. a mens room is just mystifying to me.. when my ex told me that the Charlotte Motor Speedway bathrooms had a trough with ice in it, I expected the womens to have funnels on sticks all lined up.. luckily, they didn’t..
I’ve never seen a Wegmans in Ohio.. Is that a PA thing?
Wegmans originated around Buffalo NY, then spread to Pa. and Va., possibly other places too. I imagine they harbor delusions of becoming a nationwide grocery chain.
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Wegmans is a great store. I wasn’t familiar with them before we moved here, but check this out:
http://www.businessinsider.com/best-supermarkets-in-america-2014-3
I liked the one where you exploded the bed.
I think this is why I got hooked checking here everyday for an update for the last many years. My reaction to each and every part of this tale would have been spot on to yours Jeff.
Thanks for the laughs.
Is adult diaper comedy ever appropriate in the workplace?! Well, that Depends…
Heh, nothing like a good ol’ fashioned mega-rant. Thanks!
The cart in front of the door is akin to when people just leave their carts in the middle of the aisle while they scrutinize every ingredient on a jar of salad dressing. You just want to give it a good shove and tell people to MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT. I want to get in and out of the grocery store in under 10 minutes. I don’t understand people who aimlessly wander up and down every aisle.
And yes, Jeff, excellent post! Thanks.
And sonovabitch! John Pinnette passed away. He was hilarious. Check out his “Chinese Buffet” spiel.
I saw him at a local Improv about 10 days ago. He said he’d lost 200 lbs (“not to be praised. It’s a cautionary tale.”) and while he wasn’t small by any measure, he looked much, much better. He had the room howling with laughter for 75 minutes, and seemed poised to take on the next phase of his life with gusto.
Sonovabitch, indeed.
Or the people who speed walk with their carts, paying no attention to others. I always assume that they drive their cars like assholes too.
Its CHICKEN!!!!!
At the Giant Eagle I shop at they don’t have one of those cart machines. And there are a lot of old women who work there. And I see them dragging lines of carts into the store.
At the Walmart I always see some guy dressed up like a militia member with a cart machine and a bottle of Mountain Dew taking his sweet time with the carts.
I suppose my pet peeve is people leaving the carts all over the parking lot. I always take mine back inside the store.
It felt like old times reading it, too. Best update in a while. Had me chuckling, which was nice. I haven’t chuckled in a while. More like this one, please.
OMG this was a hilarious update. I love it when you get all offended by people and their habits. You hit every one of my pet peeves on the nose. Now I don’t have to complain for the next week. And MADZ, I have the same compulsion. I’d like to ram those suckers in the ass.
roflmfao.
Have you started yelling for the neighborhood kids to get off your lawn yet?
I live in a neighborhood densely populated with Mormons, so I’ve become very spoiled by the LACK of inconsideration. Unfortunately, there seems to be a recent influx of people from the East Coast and my tolerance for their overabundance of inconsideration is is already wearing thin.
BTW: Since when is “police” pronounced “poe. lice.”?
Fantastic update. Very well done.
We now have Aldi stores around here. Tiny little grocery stores straight out of Germany. Their prices are good though. But I see people bitching because they have to put a quarter in the cart to use it – that’s not that big a deal. They want you to buy bags, either the stupid cloth ones or pay $.10 for a plastic one, I think. Anyway, it’s okay. The wife goes there every Friday. One of the ways they keep prices low is that they only have 2 or 3 people working in the whole fucking store. heh.
There is an Aldi store in Dunbar. I shop there once in a while. Hard to believe, but their cuts of steak are awesome. It reminds me of a Soviet-bloc type store, with just the core necessities for sale. I think I bought a bag of Astrovolov potato chips last time.
I think Aldi owns Trader Joe’s. I went to my first Aldi in Germany and over there they’re awesome. You can get most of what you want in one place. Otherwise, you have to go to 5 or 6 different places to get everything. One big difference is that milk was sold on the shelves, in boxes, like chicken broth boxes. Weird.
We have one of those in Morgantown. But – I have never been inside of it. I think it has been here for 20 years or so.
I live in Kansas, where the liquor laws are even stupider. The only beer you can get at a grocery store is 3.2% alcohol, so you have to go to a completely separate store to buy beer, wine or any kind of alcoholic beverage.
Any man who can defer urination that long at 50 should get a five year postponement of elderly jokes. I’d go back and explain to that table of employees how long I can hold my piss, but that would just be me. Their actual reaction might be less than you deserve.
jtb
Jeff, you out did your self that was great, maybe ur getting to be an old man. Love the part about the wart, im going to file that one away
I wish I had time to comment more thoroughly.
Maybe I’ll come back at a later time.
In summary: Fuckin’ assholes, man.
Have I somehow missed an ongoing nose-wart crisis?