A few days ago my dad asked if he could read my book, and it was one of those George Costanza two-worlds-collide moments. I guess I’ll send him a copy, but feel uneasy about it. Ya know? I can’t allow my parents and family into the Surf Report realm, or there might be a rip in the universe, or something.
And I was informed last night, by my brother, that an aunt ordered a copy through Amazon. My parents and an aunt! This is starting to get away from me… I was always the weirdo, anyway. But wait until they get to all that “white and cold!” stuff. They’ll probably stage an intervention.
Stupid Facebook… It’s making all my worlds clang together. And I can’t have that.
Speaking of the book, I’ll repeat yesterday’s request… If you ordered a signed copy, please send an email to email@example.com and tell me how you’d like it personalized, and also confirm your mailing address. I don’t use that mailbox very often, so it’ll be easy to organize.
I’ll start sending out books later this week, and if I don’t have specific direction from you, I’ll just sign it without a personalization. I’d rather not use the PayPal account name, ‘cause that’s often overly formal or flat-out wrong.
I appreciate your cooperation with this. I’m trying to make sure it’s done to everyone’s satisfaction. So, thanks!
You know a trendy phrase that bothers me greatly? Bucket list. A woman who looked like the puppet Madame sat down beside me at the concert on Friday, and immediately started talking. She told me that ‘seeing Elton John’ is on her bucket list. And I said something along the lines of “I couldn’t give a tiny seahorse-shaped shitlet” and turned my back on her.
OK, I wasn’t quite that rude, but I wasn’t exactly overflowing with warmth either. Her nose and chin were nearly touching in front of her mouth, and she also said bucket list. Two strikes. Five years ago nobody used that phrase, but now they hear all their friends doing it, and think they’d better get in on the act. All aboard the douche train!
But I started thinking about it… I might not know the exact definition of that idiotic term, but I think it’s stuff you want to do before you kick the bucket. Right? Did it come from a movie, with a bunch of old guys in it? Possibly Jack Nicholson? I could be way off, and am perfectly fine with that scenario.
Anyway, I don’t think I have a long list at this point, bucket or otherwise. I’d like to travel some more, especially in Europe, and I’d like to live in the south again someday, maybe Atlanta or the South Carolina beaches. So, you see, it’s all ambiguous stuff. The specific items have been crossed-off.
I always wanted to live in New York City, but it would’ve been better when I was younger and crazier. And in my ambiguous Atlanta dream, I like the idea of buying a condo in a high rise, in Buckhead. I’ve never lived like that, and think it would be right up my alley. No yard to mow… a building super to take care of plumbing problems… a balcony in the sky… Yes, I like the thought of all that.
But I don’t have anything specific that I consider a must-do before the big sleep. Maybe a trip to Wrigley Field? I’d certainly like to do that, but it’s not an obsession or anything. I’ve already seen nearly every music artist I care about… What about you? Please tell us about the items on your list (let’s just call it a ‘list’), in the comments section below.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, I hope. For some reason Wednesdays are becoming a problem for me. I think I’ve missed a bunch of them recently. It can’t be easily explained… But I’ll do my best to avoid that problem tomorrow.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
See ya again soon.
Now playing in the bunker
Read Jeff’s first novel, Crossroads Road
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…
Yay! Top 5…
Jeff, Since this is such a colorful bunch it might be funny to see the personalization requests for the book. Remove the names of course.
Alice in WV says
I want to travel. that list is long.
I am currently agonizing over what sort of “personalization” to ask for on my copy of Crossroads Road.
That’s a lot of pressure. All the creativity and cleverness is on the other side of the internet. That’s why I come here.
Stop pressuring me!
I had the same issue so I simply sent Jeff an email, put down my mailing address & told him I was not creative. Therefore he could sign it anyway he pleased.
This could get interesting. He just might get a lot of those types of emails.
Same here. I made a lame “suggestion” but personally hope Jeff has better ideas.
Chuck in Belpre says
I’d also like to live along a Carolina beach. You know, become one of those old leathery-looking types out scavenging for sand dollars as the sun comes up.
I’d like to see some old castles…northern England, Spain, maybe France.
My needs are simple…I am a simple man.
Going to Cedar point, Ohio to ride roller coasters and to Paris to smell the stinky French in person…that’s about the extent of my list. Life is easier if you don’t demand too much from it…
Sorry, sorry…the list >
Travel to England, Ireland and Scotland with golf clubs in tow. Play all the Royal and Ancient courses.
Play in the World Series of Poker.
Take 3 or 4 months and just travel the US. So much of this country I have never seen.
I’m going to think of more I’m sure.
Ian the Errolite says
That’ll just be Scotland then.
Bring an umbrella!
Before I permanently close my peepers, I would love to see Italy and Ireland.
NYC has become too pussified for me to have the urge to live there. We got rid of our edge. What a crying shame.
The next person who says “fashionista” or “my bad” in fornt of me risks getting a size 8 pump wedged up their blow hole.
“The next person who says “fashionista” or “my bad” in fornt of me risks getting a size 8 pump wedged up their blow hole”…………….
Thanks, madz….I peed a little over that one! I’m wearing light grey pants.
bang a midget
go mini golfing with a midget
ride the it’s a small world after all ride with a midget
start a small business with a midget
most of that not really.
I just told Jefff I wasn’t picky as to the “personalization” of the book. I figured by the time he signs hundreds of books his brain would be mush. Or….writer’s cramp so bad his hand looks like a bird claw. So he can use his mushy imagination if he so chooses.
My bucket list is the same thing I have been saying for years. Go the France to shop the flea markets; fly to California’s Rose Bowl Flea Market then rent a truck and shop flea’s and antique shops the whole way back to the ‘Burgh. I’d also like to live in a farm house in the middle of no where (in PA). I’m not asking for much, ya know?
Fuck that I’m greedy.
I want an additional preface chapter as my personalization.
I told Jeff I was really bad at picking stuff out like that…which I am.
Bill in WV says
I think he’s signing mine “You still owe me $50” – Jeff
I’d like to travel more in Europe, especially Italy, Spain and Scandinavia, which I haven’t seen. I also want to see parts of the U.S. I haven’t seen, such as Yellowstone, and revisit some places I haven’s been to since I was a kid, like most of the Civil War historic sites .
I’d like to live in canal district of Amsterdam for a bit, not permanently, but for a couple of years. After that I’d like to settle down on the north-east coast of Newfoundland (as long as I have an internet connection and a view the cold and isolation don’t bother me).
Fuck a waitress in Reno.
Gee, I was going to kill a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Is that after they said something equally idiotic after you had to wedge a size 8 pump up their blow hole?
Chuck in Belpre says
I see an emerging pattern here.
Sorry if I am coming off as a tad terse today but it’s got to be 118 degrees in my office. No air flow. No windows that open. It smells like an attic in the summertime. I’m clad in “business professional” clothing with noticeable pit stains and my underwears are going to need a squeegee to remove.
Jebus!! Funk dat!! Too early for that shit.
Have Madz send me those underwears….hopefully soon.
I just blew a snot out of my right nostril trying to suppress a laugh. Thanks, t-storm!
No, thank you.
You have an office?
And, not to be picky, but I’m sure you intended to say “shot” rather than “killed”. Just to honor the memory of the Man in Black.
What’s wrong with having an office? Lots of people do. At least my window opens, even if there’s no screen. Good luck with Facilities, madz.
Nothing wrong with having an office. That was just a touch of Jewish humor. I should know better.
No, no. Jewish humor is usually good humor (not the ice cream). Just giving you a tiny bit of shit, all in fun.
I have no idea whats going on here. I’m freakin out man.
You’re right Jeff, it was Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.
Walk across Abbey Road
Drink a fruity drink on a beach in Hawaii
That’s about all I have right now. The Abbey Road thing I’ve had stuck in my mind since I was kid.
Wrigleyville is fun. If you ever do take a trip there, you have to stop at Harry Carey’s or the Cubby Bear. They are jolly fun. Make sure you get a slice of pizza too. You can’t go to Chicago and not pig out on something Chicago style.
Chuck in Belpre says
People do some weird stuff at the Abbey Road crossing.
I’m sure the locals just love it.
I know! I sat and watched it one time, it was cracking me up. I almost saw a bunch of dumb girls get smoked by a car…which isn’t funny…but it was kind of funny.
I have Abbey Road on my Desktop at home. Kinda addicted a little–love me some Brit shit. Checked daily. It hasn’t rained in London as far as I can tell in weeks. I thought it rained everyday?
I want to deposit my DNA at every Pole of Inaccessability.
Root 66 says
Bucket List (in no particular order):
-Live on the top of a mountain in the Smokies in a log house with a huge front porch. (not real creative, I know)
-Travel to Europe, but especially Switzerland and the Alps.
-Buy an RV and drive all over the United States. Oh, and I would only take the back roads, just to get the flavor of each region and see all the quirky/kitschy roadside stuff!
-I would love to go to Prince Edward Island, or the northeastern U.S. to see the leaves in the fall .
-I would also like to serve just one term as a US Representative so I can have awesome free healthcare and a pension for the rest of my life!
Being “FIRST” at the WVSR is a bucket list accomplishment I have already achieved, so I can scratch that one off!
The Alps are fookin gorgeous; no photo can do it justice. And it’s the only place I know of where you can travel to multiple nations, entirely on chairlifts.
My list consists of…..traveling mostly. Ireland, Italy, and Spain. I have seen most of the US that I care to see.
I want to live in the mountains at least once. or maybe just vacation there again. I want to live by the beach one summer.
And I want huge insane amounts of money thrown at me for doing absolutely nothing in return.
lmao thats what i was thinking!!
lmao thats what i was thinking!!
Hmmmm… Bucket List?
Ride a custom chopper at the front of a 2500 bike toy run.
Have a 3-way with the stripper my girlfriend brought home.
Eat reindeer at a 400 yr old European monastery.
Get a full back-piece dragon tattoo.
Have my name on a prayer post at a Taoist temple in China.
Piss on my ex-wife’s grave.
Bill in WV says
5 Star Post !!
Chuck in Belpre says
I salute you, my friend. Well done.
I like to shoot two men:
One in Reno, just to watch him die and another just for snoring too loud.
I want to see the northern lights and the southern cross.
I want to hunt alligators like they do on tv, and shoot a hooked alligator in his brain.
Some woman could (willingly) let me put it in her butt. That’s not too much to ask, is it?
Also, before I die, I want to try pooping in a public place.
It’s FUCKING RAINING…..AGAIN…!!
SHit – that means it’s headed my way soon. My hair, in dire need of a cut, already resembles a goddamn wild rhododendron bush. Can this day get any better?
(I’m sure I’m painting myself is such a GORGEOUS light today.)
Oh yes. Putting your size 8 in people’s asses, soaked panties, wild hair. Very nice.
Today at the doctor’s office I sat next to a dead ringer for Alf Mushpie (if you’re a Bloom County fan, you’ll know who this is). That wasn’t on my Fukkit List, but it should have been.
Skydive (accelerated freefall, none of that tandum or staticline crap).
I want to travel to Australia, New Zealand, Scandinavia, Ireland, Iceland, Greenland, & the UK. While in Scandinavia, I want to attend medieval week at Visby. I also want to attend a Society for Creative Anachronism event in a real castle somewhere in Europe.
I want to do a “Roadside America” tour, seeing all the cheesy sites and beautiful sites (Grand Canyon, Yellowstone).
Anything else I want to do is not for a public list. ;-D
There is a giant beagle in Idaho you should check out.
And Snoopy on a rocket in Arizona that is…eh, interesting.
I always wanted to climb the pyramids, but I guess that’s out now. I’d also like to tour the Mayan ruins in Guatemala and go back to Rome.
No tourists means no lines, no waiting, an entire bus to yourself.
Chuck in Belpre says
Yep…and the Ramses Hilton is having a sale!
There are some exotic places I’d like to ski: South America, Mauna Kea, Kilimanjaro.
I’d like to visit (in some cases re-visit) England, Germany and Ireland and find my peeps. The trip to Germany should include picking up a BMW M3 at the factory :^)
Speaking of Germany, I’d also like to go to the Weihenstephan brewery for their 1000th anniversary, assuming I’m still alive in 2040.
I’d like to become fluent in at least one foreign language and one musical instrument. More than one would be nice, but I’m not terribly greedy.
I’d like to finally get my pilot’s license, but I haven’t flown a plane in about 30 years so that may not happen.
I alwayys wanted to learn to fly, but couldn’t afford an airplane and couldn’t jstify renting one. So the wife and I took up paragliding. A reasonably inexpensive way to get airborne, with the idea of actually flying instead of just plummeting from the sky like those guys who jump out of airplanes.
My needs are also simple…I too am a simple man. But I will require two Vincent Black Shadows (one for me, one for a compadre) in Los Angeles to begin a ride to and, perhaps, back from Las Vegas. I’ll also need some “supplies”.
Dr. Thompson removed the back of his head on my 55th birthday. I owe it to him, and most of all, to myself, to make the trip. We were just outside of Barstow, on the edge of the desert…
…when the drugs began to take hold.
I got my first DUI in 1975 leaving a Hunter Thompson talk at the Rock’n’Roll Expo in Washington DC. Good Times
Lee Harvey Ramone says
on my list, I would put (in no particular order):
eat a bowl of chili with Neil Young
learn pinochle, then hold that fact over people’s heads
take a cross-country trip in a taxi
have my picture taken with Elvis
walk backwards for an entire afternoon
I found that jail is a good place to learn pinochle (see reply above)
mancave is stupid.
hot fuzz says
Drive a Zamboni.
Land a fully loaded 747 with no training in a full emergency.
Eat a koala.
Expose myself on national TV. Live. After 9PM though, I’m not a pervert.
Bitch slap Brock Lesnar and then run/skip away as fast as I could.
Take out an insurgent with a high powered sniper rifle.
Take way too much viagra before a TSA pat down..I mean WAY too much.
Drive a stolen police car through a shopping mall.
Be kicked in the nuts by Chyna.
You know, just the usual stuff.
How can it be possible that no motorboats are allowed. Hell, If I’m not wearing a shirt its a requirement!
Host my parent’s 75th wedding anniversary.
Get laid all night by a hot college girl (one more time)
See the pyramids in Egypt, wish they would stop shooting over there. Maybe I would go.
Throw boxcars 3 times in a row on a crap table.
Learn to play piano.
Buy a brand new Bentley and pay cash.
I want to move to Tahiti and stay there for a while. My husband [Dream Killer] just laughs and says, “Hon. You’re paste white, can’t swim, and are allergic to the sun. Yeah, why DON’T we move to an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? We’ll throw you into a hammock and wait for you to explode!”
Barring that, I want to live in an old farmhouse up the road from my current house – and have a 1-2 acre garden.
I also want to be healthy enough to actually RUN in a race, rather than stumble along and pray I didn’t die.
Before I die I want to be able to grow chest hair on command and piss lamp oil.
My one big item has always been to live in Alaska. 5 or 6 years ago I had an opportunity to get transferred to Anchorage, which is pretty close. My wife (my own personal killer of that dream) said no fuckin way. She thinks it’s cold when the tempurature drops below triple digits.
Hey guys, make one of my Fukkit List* items come true!
Backstory: My husband loves Norm MacDonald. And we loves us some sports. So when Norm asked on his new sports show for his Twitter followers to come up with gag movie names, well I came up with a few and had my husband submit them via his Twitter account. Lo and behold, one of them made the cut. If enough people vote for it, they’ll make it into a flippin’ trailer! I’m about ready to pop over here! First Alf Mushpie, now this!! ALL IN ONE DAY!!
So, if you’ve got nothing better to do, please go to the following link and vote for “Friday Night Kites” (unless of course you find something else funnier; I won’t hold it against ya):
And sorry, Jeff, if this is breaking any [not]Blog etiquette. Feel free to delete this post if it does.
Done! And you appear to be way ahead. Good luck!
Another vote for Gretchen; yeah, you’re kicking some ass out there. Nice entry.
Ok Gretchen…got my vote! You are way ahead in the poles ya know… “Fukkit Lists” do come true.
THANKS GUYS!!! You all are the best! 🙂
You got this thing in the bag.
You’ve got 41.27% (671 votes) and your nearest competitor is at 11.44% (186 votes).
Can’t wait to see the flippin’ trailer.
I hope so, but anything can happen in a week.
If my entry wins it will be the best anniversary gift EVER. For the rest of our lives I can say to my husband, “Remember that time I got your favorite comedian to make you a spoof trailer and call you out on national TV? Yeah, your turn to fold the laundry.” 😉
I saw that!
I voted, then my wife (wink wink) voted.
That was on my list: do something crazy.
Yeah, I lead a pretty boring life.
Vote early, and vote often.
*Fukkit List may or may not be made up as the list bearer goes along. No animals were harmed in the making of this list. Void where prohibited.
I don’t have a Fukkit List. I have tried to make one, but I get started, and the existential angst/nihilistic rage kick in, and I get super sidetracked.
Before you burst forth all the way into Weltschmerz, I recommend you procure either a Jackrabbit vibrator or some Xanax. I’d be happy to foreward some of the latter to you by early mail, but I understand the USPS frowns on that and recommends the former. Keep kool.
Thanks, Jeff, for noting what a dipshit term “Bucket List” is. My only problem with Fukkit List is that it still gives a little poetic credence to the other term. Shit List is already taken and, based on this site over time, fully populated. To Do list is both taken and boring, although adding “Whom” at the front helps some.
I guess life is something that happens while we’re busy making lists.
Ian the Errolite says
Before I kick the bucket,
See the pyramids.
Try heroin.( on my death bed)
I think ODing on smack is a real rock’n’roll way to go.
More so if you mean to!