I know, I know. I’m breaking my own rule here, but I need to tell you about a dream I had on Saturday night. And I seek your analysis as well. May I offer a hearty WTF?? up-front?
I was walking around an unknown neighborhood, you see. It was upscale, and I didn’t recognize it. There was some sort of gigantic yard sale extravaganza going on. Every house had crap on their lawns, and there were even food stands set up, like at a carnival.
As I walked past a particular home, I saw a woman waving. She was sitting in a lawn chair, with nobody else around, and seemed to be zeroed-in on me. Come over, she implored.
I did as ordered, and she seemed friendly enough. But she wanted me to go inside, so she could show me something. I hesitated, then agreed.
The house was some kind of crazy-ass mansion, with doors that opened automatically, like at a grocery store. We went into the magnificent kitchen, and she suddenly had a large open-top box in her hands. Inside were six ceramic plates that hadn’t yet been painted. They were just white and raw, situated in two rows of three in the bottom of the box. Each was roughly 12 inches across.
She explained that I could buy all six for $75. And they aren’t just ordinary ceramics pieces. Oh now. There is a huge social network surrounding these things, she said. After you paint them, and glaze them (or whatever), you’re supposed to snap photos and post them to a special internet forum. Then you wait for feedback from fellow travelers.
The most interesting entries will be visited in-person, by three judges. They’ll look over your work, and you could be entered into some sort of international six-plate contest, and possibly end up with riches and fame.
“I’ll give you a little tip,” the woman said. “The key to the whole thing is the Loretta Lynn.”
What? I looked closer at them, and saw that each featured the face of a celebrity. Bob Dylan was represented, and so was Jackie Gleason. I can’t remember the other three.
And these things were super-intricate. It looked like it might take months to paint each plate. I had no interest in any of it. I mean, what the hell? Ceramics?? How did I get myself mixed up in this bizarreness? I wanted to get out of there.
But the woman was very high-pressure, and I started to feel like there might be trouble if I didn’t fork over the $75. I even had concerns about being held against my will.
Then another woman entered the room, carrying one of the plates. It was the Gleason. She wanted to show off her work, and my weird host began flipping-out over it: “Oh, that’s beautiful!!” I was introduced to the woman — she was called a “disciple” — and they began a lengthy conversation.
And as they talked, I turned and exited through one of the sliding doors, fully expecting to be called back. Or yanked back, or something. But nobody said another word to me, and I just continued walking.
What in the everlasting hell?? What does it mean? Can anyone decipher this insanity? It was so detailed. I remember, exactly, what the kitchen looked like. This is unusual for me… it’s generally a hazy blur. Also, why do you think the Loretta Lynn plate was the key to it all? Or was she trying to throw me off, by feeding me disinformation?
I need help with this one, folks. Use the comments link below to analyze that freakiness.
And we’ll also lift the ban for a day, and allow weird dream stories. If you have anything to share, today’s the day.
See you again tomorrow!
Now playing in the bunker
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Swami Bologna says
That was reality, all this is the dream.
Jesus, Jeff. Just don’t fall asleep in front of the TV while HSN or QVC is on. Fuck you up….
What the hell did I just read? Were you drinking the night before?
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr had a dream too, and look what happened to him.
Lucie in Tampa says
Now that is funny!!!
Lucie in Tampa says
Now that is funny!!!
That’s better than my dream this past weekend.
I was sprinting from the bedroom to the bathroom.
When I got there, I threw up in the trash can.
Only, it wasn’t a dream. For seemingly no reason I woke up Saturday night heaving. I’ve been throwing up more in the past 12 months than any other period I can remember.
I’ll take a crack at it: We eat off of plates so plates could mean “hunger” and all of the celebrities you mentioned were entertainers. Therefore, you have an subconscious hunger for entertainment. Shit, I don’t know.
It’s called menopause and apparently you’re growing a giant vagina.
Come on Kay…stick with the rules.
You might be right about the ‘gina, i mean what guy even knows what raw ceramic looks like, or if there even is such a thing????
Guy who Knows About Raw Ceramic says
Jeff, I have a few questions.
Did you happen to doze off watching “Masked an Anonymous”?
Are you tangled up in blue?
Do you have a BIG MOUTH?
Have you ever lived in Harper Valley PTA?
I have very vivid, wild dreams. Usually good but some teeter on Stephen King type horror. I’ve also noticed if I have a glass of red wine, my dreams are very bizarre. Shit, I’m the Timothy Leary of dreaming.
And I think I mentioned this once before but everyone in my family has a dream where I get beheaded. My sister used to have it on a regular basis that 2 men in a truck would come pick up my highchair with my torso in it and leave my head on the kitchen table. Creepy.
I’m thinking painting (the plates) = creativity. But Jeff’s creative outlet is writing and he left the house because perhaps he’s feeling pressure about the new book.
Dreams are way cool.
The Kuban says
When I was a kid I used to have a recurring dream about this purple gorilla costume my brother had in his closet. It was made out of this really itchy 70’s inspired shag looking purple fabric. In my dreams the costume would come to life at night. One night I watched as it lumbered into my brothers room and dragged him out kicking and screaming. It disappeared down the street with my brother flopping like a fish on the pavement behind it, it’s giant furry purple glove-hand wrapped tightly around his ankle. I would wake up feeling terrorized and a little disappointed that my brother was still there.
Root 66 says
Loretta Lynn…let me think…maybe since she was a “Coal Miner’s Daughter”–that’s a subliminal cue that embracing your inner hillibilly is your key to success!
There is a distinct link between Loretta Lynn and you, and…….thw Wonderful Whites of West Va…..maybe the ceramic plates are actually made of meth…..
April Fool’s right? If not, I’m not sure that anyone (including Loretta Lynn because she’s key) can help you…
Jeff, that’s just how your brain is coping with your being abducted by aliens and probed.
i think it’s your homosexual tendencies coming out in dream form. i mean wtf “raw ceramic” painting and Loretta lynn yep seems pretty gay to me.
Any of these celebrity faces would look better if obscured by a nice chicken-fried steak. Or duck confit with reduction sauce, whatever.
You just have too much on your plate.
Well, last night I dreamed that I was doing some work in an enormous mansion. It was divided up into thirds by the inhabitants, three men who had developed a great antipathy towards each other. The three were Manny, Moe and Jack, the Pep Boys, but in realistic human form.
The dream went nowhere interesting from there. I awoke, pissed off that, as usual, my fucking job had invaded my dreams again.
That is, the type of work that I was doing in the mansion. I don’t work at Pep Boys.
Soooo apparently the idiots on buck wild are falling on hard times.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Yep. Three just died in some kind of off-roading mishap (they think carbon monoxide poisoning because the tailpipe was buried in mud. Then you have all the drug arrest. I’ve never seen the show, just read some stuff.