This is my Friday, and even though I took a vacation day on Sunday, it’s been a long week. There are new processes at work, a major retooling of one of my department’s main functions, and it’s been an adventure. I don’t know how to fix problems anymore… Where I was once a semi-expert, I am now walking around with a cartoon question mark over my head.
But if I can make it through one more day, without anything horrible happening, I’ll be home free.
Unfortunately, my home life is equally out of control. Toney’s working a lot, and we’ve both been running wide-open for a couple of weeks. The lawn needs mowed, the house looks like Silvio and Christopher were here looking for the “union dues,” and my hair is now an impenetrable Peter Brady helmet.
So, that can only mean one thing: I need to make a few lists. That’s how I fool myself into believing I’ve got a handle on things, I make lists. As long as it’s all written out, in an organized manner, I’m able to hold off the panic attacks.
Is that unusual? It sorta reminds me of the woman at my old job who posted a shitload of signs all around her desk, to keep a handle on her world. “If I’m holding a phone to my ear, that is not a signal for you to start talking to me…” etc. Heh.
How do you deal with chaos? Do you have any special methods?
In addition to long-overdue lawn and hair maintenance, I’m going to pick up the new Surf Report shirts tomorrow. They’re ready to go, and look great, I’m told.
Also, the PayPal links should be working now. I found out they’d somehow shit the bed yesterday, as I was leaving for work. And do you know how insane that made me last night? Knowing the links were screwed-up, but not being able to do anything about it for twelve hours? Man, that kind of thing will someday send me to the wacky shack, straight-up.
Anyway, all should be right with the world again. Here’s your fully-functioning order page.
Oh, and the whole fambly is going to Knoebels on Friday, along with a couple extra kids thrown in for added “enjoyment.”
But at least I still have beer. Beer, and my lists.
A woman at work told me a great story a few days ago. She said her sixteen year old daughter’s skin started turning blue. Her arms, legs, and face just suddenly went Smurf on her, for reasons unknown.
They took her to the doctor, who couldn’t figure it out. It wasn’t something on the skin, like ink or anything like that. He tried to wipe it off with alcohol-soaked cotton balls, and it seemed like she was simply changing color. The doc was baffled.
She was referred to a specialist, who diagnosed her with some obscure-ass disease that only ten people a year contract, or somesuch. This was one for the medical journals, something few had ever seen. This blue girl was a full-blown medical aberration!
But, of course, there was a simpler explanation. The “expert” didn’t figure it out, the girl’s mother did. And tomorrow I’ll tell you why her skin was turning blue. In the meantime, I’d like to get your theories.
Use the comments link below.
Buck gave me an assignment last week. He asked me to try the new Mountain Dew Throwback, which is supposedly sweetened with real sugar, instead of corn syrup(?!). I think they’re trying to cash in on the Mexican Coke craze and, of course, I needed to check it out. I’m a big fan of the novelty Dews.
And I hate to disappoint, but I can’t really tell a difference. It tasted the same to me. When it started getting a little warm, near the end of the bottle, it was mildly different, but nothing drastic.
What do you think? Have you tried the new Mountain Dew Blowback, or whatever it’s called? What are your thoughts on it?
We have Pepsi Throwback in our vending machines at work, and people act like it’s the greatest thing ever. But I think they’re being manipulated, and don’t really know what they’re talking about. Ya know? Of course, I’ll never know, since I don’t drink Pepsi. I’m a fully dedicated Coke man, thank you very much. To drink a Pepsi would be sacrilege.
This month at eMusic I’ve downloaded new albums by three old favorites: Rhett Miller, Marshall Crenshaw, and Peter Holsapple/Chris Stamey. Oh yeah. That shit’s like comfort food, right there.
Starting in July there are going to be some major changes at eMusic. They’ve always been an independent label hipster oasis, but in a few days they’re going to start offering the — get this — the Sony catalog.
So, in addition to Neutral Milk Hotel we’ll presumably be able to download albums by… Journey. Will somebody please hold me?
Actually, I don’t really care. In fact, I like the idea of having more to choose from; I’m not as big a music snob as some might believe. I just hope the site doesn’t turn into iTunes, with flashing Jonas Brothers promotions on the home page… I don’t think I could handle such a thing.
But that’s not the only Big Change. My monthly credits are also being dropped from 50 to 37 (for $14.99). Which irritated me at first. However… they’re only going to charge 12 credits for a full album — even if the album has twenty songs on it. And since I only download full albums, it’ll probably be a wash for me.
Yeah, it’ll be interesting to see how it all shakes out. I love eMusic, it’s one of my favorite things. Big changes, and “improvements” make me nervous, but I’m keeping an open mind. Stay tuned.
And that’s all I have time for today, friends. I’ll be back tomorrow, and will try to zero-out the Big Notebook of Fun.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker.
garrett…. Wicked, evil, nasty…. funny as hell dude
JEESUM CROW!
Why was she blue?
I CAN’T take it!
@garrett…you’re my hero.
I sampled the Pepsi Throwback and it’s quite tasty. I think I could do with missing that high fructose corn sryup stuff.
@Jeff – your Coke has been secretly replace with Pepsi Throwback. Personally, I will drink it if it’s cold. They kinda taste the same to me. The only one to me that has a unique taste is RC cola. Just my opinion though.
On the iPOD now – “Love what you do to me” – Incognito
To do today:
1) brush hair
2) make a list
3) drink a beverage
4) contemplate blue coloration
5) repeat
Well, Ryan O’Neal certainly got out of that promise, didn’t he? RIP Farrah.
Yeah but he has the son to deal with now.
On the iPOD now – “Send One Your Love” – Stevie Wonder
Farrah was my first fantasy girl, but I have settled for Brynhildr. “wink, wink”
On the iPOD now – “Kei’s Song” – David Benoit
Farrah was my first fantasy girl, too.
…at least until I discovered Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett.
Farrah was mine too, but just long enough for Lynda Carter to make her wonder womanful appearance on this planet. H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T !!
On the iPOD now – “Get The Fuck Out” – Skid Row
Asshole Cancer is a bitch.
The suspense is killing me — WHY IS SHE BLUE????
btw Shiny Rod, it’s bad form to tell a girl you’ve “settled” for her. 😉
@Brynhildr:
“…at least until I discovered Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett”
Whooooo boy! Time has not been kind to those two….
@Swami – You mean you can get cancer of the Donald Trump? Who knew?
Bill in WV — Cancer of the Donald Trump (CDT) is more commonly known as penile cancer. I can understand how you confused the two, however.
in the words of Steve Martin…
Ah yes, Farrah. The nights I remember holding up her poster with one hand….
and in other news….
I’ve been surfing the Surf Report for several (6?) years and today’s the first time I listened to “Where’s My Damn Box Scores?”
Out at the lake in Central Park, police arrested a one-armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.
@Brynhildr…It’s also bad form to…
Girl at bar: How old are you?
Me: 34
Me: How old are you?
Girl at bar: 36
Me: Is that all?
I got tore up pretty bad by “Girl at bar” for that one.
That incident happened a LONG time ago, for the record.
More bad form:
Me: So, when is your baby due?
Girl: I’m not pregnant.
Me: Oops, and anticipating a kick to the crotch.
@ Bill in WV & Brynhildr:
More bad form:
Wife: “Do I look fat in this?”
Me: “No fatter than usual””
Jesus Christ on a cracker, why is she blue?
@Bill in PA
That happened to me too in a way
Girl at bar: How old do you think I am?
Me: I dunno, 45?
Girl at bar: 45!?! 45!?! You asshole, I’m only 32!
Me: Then why did you ask me?
Yeah, she was pretty pissed off about that.
more bad form
“Do these pants make my butt look fat?”
“No. You’re huge ass makes your butt look fat.”
True story:
Walking through Macy’s women’s dept, woman stops me and asks which dress would look better on her.
Me: I dunno, lay them both on the floor and I can tell better.
oh Jeezum Crow, I should know better.
“your” not “you’re”
more bad form
“Do these pants make my butt look fat?”
“I don’t know – let me jog around to the back and check.”
Colloidal silver? Drinking gallons of Smurf spluge?
I always thought that if Lynda Carter tied me up with her wonder woman truth rope I’d say things like, “I want to see your tits. I wonder if you shave down there. I wonder if you like it in the ass.” Thank God she never tied me up. That would have been humiliating.
Did Jeff say yesterday was his Friday? Are we to assume there won’t be another update until Monday? Meats and cheeses, that’s a long time from now.
Also, laser beams.
He better not leave us hang all weekend with the big blue question hanging, said he’d be back today.
Thanks, guys, for all the bad form comments. I’m laughing so hard, I sound like Muttley.
@ Brynhildr – Hey, were talk Farrah Fawcett poster, vintage 70’s. She was a hottie back then. Any woman that can compare to that is a goddess in my book.
@ Tyrosine – Or the law…
Maybe the blue blooded bitch took a dip in the blue bayou on a blue Christmas then blue chunks.
P.S.
Chunks is her dog.
JEESUM CROW! I see what I started now. You guys are awful, just awful. Thats about as bad as this one:
Govenor Sanford – Honey, I’m going out to get some Argentina tail…
Wife – What did you say?
Govenor Sanford – I said I’m going hiking on the Appalachian Trail.
On the iPOD now – “You” – Pat Metheny
@ Shiny Rod: Brilliant! I never thought of that one!
@ Jason – By the time Linda Carter came along I was over puberty and lust.
On the iPOD now – “We Came To Play” – Tower of Power
more bad form
“Do these pants make my butt look fat?”
Only with the orbiting planets…
On the iPOD now – “Valdez in the country” – Gerald Veasley
@ Shiny Rod…I still get a pimple now and then and I don’t need Viagra….
“over lust”… TF??… Not until you pry my cold, dead hands from my……….never mind.
I know you’ve all heard this but here goes anyway:
A guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm and sees his wife laying on the couch. He says, “this is the pig I’ve been fucking.” She says, “That’s not a pig, it’s a duck.” And he says, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
LOL @ Shiny Rod… that’s great.
More bad form:
Location: Cricket’s Bar and Grill near Baylor
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “Hey, you look familiar?”
26 yr Old Me: “Ok.”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “Seriously… how do I know you?!”
26 yr Old Me: “I don’t know… I go to Baylor?”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “I WENT TO BAYLOR!!”
26 yr Old Me: “What a shock.”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “When did you go to Baylor?”
26 yr Old Me: “For the past eight years.”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “Oh my Gawd! Are you a doctor or sometihng?!”
26 yr Old Me: “No.”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “Then why have you been going to school for 8 years?”
26 yr Old Me: “Because I was lazy and didn’t want to get a job!”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “OHMYGAD! That’s so unattractive! That’s the worst pickup line ever!”
26 yr Old Me: “You’re old and drunk, why the hell would I be trying to impress you?”
Of course… this is before I had learned the pleasure of the cougar… I was so naive!
More bad form….sitting at the bar at The Orlean’s in Vegas about a month ago…an acttive young lady (apparenty concerned about my percived loneliness) asked me if I was looking for some company. I said you’re a pretty girl but my Dad’s up in the room asleep. She said I could go get another room for $50. I said…let’s see….$50 plus you for a couple hours???…(no intention of following through here folks)…and she said…”It won’t take that long.”
True story….-d
[Wife to Husband] I want something shiny and metallic that goes from zero to 160 in seconds.
The husband went out and bought her a bathroom scale.
Ba-Bum-BUM!
she was ‘ATTRACTIVE’…….damn!!….glad my birthday Guinness is almost gone. I’ll be able to spell again soon.
Speaking of things turning blue, how’s about that Michael Jackson.
OK, so I had an update ready to fire at work, in case the inevitable happened, so now I am at home. I have showered, made my kids dinner (wife is working) took son to martial arts, mowed front law and started dinner for myself and the child bride, thinking an update might be here. Can’t retrieve the update at work( that no one really likes that much anyway), ( remember, it is better to to eat your own feces than to starve) but I AM FUCKING SORRY. It consisted of overrated music artists that I do not understand how they have a following. I took a three day weekend, so everyone, have an good weekend. Mine consists of running a small restaurant for three days while the owner is on vacation and a Rays game, followed by a Pat Benatar concert (included in the pirce) at the Trop on Saturday night. Have a fucking awesome weekend surf reporters!
Yeah, that’s “price” not “pirce”. It’s the weekend, goddamit.
DTO — She was simply giving you her professional opinion based on extensive market research. She must not have collected enough data to enable her to predict outliers.
I’m not offended when people tell me I’m smarter than I look.
And that’s goddammit, not goddamit