Over the weekend Toney and I attended a “Beer & Food Pairing Event,” at a local fancy-ass grocery store. Or, as a big part of their clientele probably prefers, “market” or simply “grocery.”
“I’m off to the grocery, dear.”
“Ooh, can you pick me up some capers and buttplugs?”
“Of course, darling.”
Here’s a rundown of the offerings, and my quickie review of each:
Allagash Abbey Dubbel paired with Spicy Tuna Roll & California Roll. The beer was a Belgian, brewed in Maine, and was very tasty indeed. The sushi, on the other hand, made my lower jaw retract. Not a fan of the trendy, hipster raw fishies… Heck, I don’t even like ’em all that much grilled.
Yuengling Lager paired with Steamed Clams and Sourdough Bread. I’ve had roughly seven million Lagers, so there was nothing especially novel about that. My favorite standard-stock! The clams were freaking seashells, with a little hunk of chewed bubblegum inside. It tasted like fish, but had something gritty in it. Again, my lower jaw went back.
Victory V12 paired with Mojo Pork Tenderloin with Black Beans and Salsa Verde. I don’t remember anything about the beer, so that’s probably not a good sign. I like some of the Victory brews, but have also had a few that were kinda forgettable. The pork got bigger the longer I chewed, and had some kind of green shit on top. I opened my mouth over a trash can, and let everything fall out.
Sly Fox Rt 113 IPA paired with Chicken & Feta Sausage on a Whole Wheat Bun topped with Brushchetta. The beer was excellent, so good I tried to locate a 6-pack on our way out the door. But I couldn’t find it within two minutes, so screw it. I’m a very busy man. The sausage sandwich thing tasted OK, but I couldn’t get over its whiteness. Sausage is not supposed to be white, so I threw most of it in the garbage. If I’d been blindfolded, I have a feeling I would’ve eaten it all, and wanted more.
Stoudt’s American Pale Ale paired with Two year Grafton Reserve Cheddar on baguette. Again, the beer was superior. I’m a big fan of the hoppy IPAs and pale ales, and this was a good one. I was able to locate a 6-pack before irritation set in, and bought it. The cheese was really good, too. I wouldn’t mind pulling a Costanza and stripping to the waist, and eating a block of the stuff the size of a car battery.
Lindemans Kriek Lambic Spritzer paired with Sorbet. This one was on the patio, and it was pouring rain outside, so we wimped-out on it. Anyway, I didn’t like the sounds of that “spritzer” in the title. Ya know?
We attended another such event a few months back, and I thought the food was better last time. But, I’m sure others would disagree. With their pinkies out.
I also got to spend roughly twenty minutes with Nancy and the Gang this weekend. They were on their way back to North Carolina (or is it South Carolina?), and wanted to have dinner with us. But, of course, it was complete chaos and they didn’t get to town until almost 10 o’clock.
They stayed at a motel, and had all their earthly belongings packed inside a Ryder truck and their l’il dandelion-powered car. But they came by the house for a few minutes, and Toney went to breakfast with them the next morning.
Nancy hugged me, and Nossy gave me one of his horizontal handshakes. You know, when a person extends their hand palm-down and going side-to-side? Oh, it’s very European dandy… We probably won’t be seeing as much of them now. They’ll be living a lot farther away from the compound.
They seemed to be upset about this, for some reason… How odd.
The next morning I went to Sheetz to get some cash from their no-fee ATM (money for nothing), and the whole gang was there. It looked like they were topping off the gas in their truck, and Nancy was buying two massive coffees.
I walked over to their vehicles, and Nossy was having some kind of episode. His hair was all messed-up, like Albert Einstein, and he acted like he was about to start crying. He was muttering something about their mortgage papers, and his chin was quivering.
“Well, you guys have a safe trip,” I said, and walked away.
I tried to tell the translucents goodbye, but the hammer-head dog lunged at me with its teeth bared. I wanted to poke it in the eyes, like Moe, but was afraid I might pull back nothing but a wrist. I notice all three see-thrus were wearing shirts that recently belonged to our boys.
And so it goes.
Before I call it a day here, I’d like to invite you to buy twenty or thirty of the new Surf Report shirts, and also read the silly new mockable (which makes me laugh).
I don’t really have a Question for you today, so just tell us what you did this past weekend. Anything extra-exciting? Use the comments link below, and I’ll be back here tomorrow.
See ya then.
Can I call first?
Yep…you sure can!!
Sat on my ass, working on “Friends” computers. Oh – also ran a PA system at a computer recycling event. Fun stuff indeed. Any more, I have to get to work Monday to rest up from the weekend. Why is it that people can’t understand the simple fact that most IT guys really don’t want to have anything to do with a computer over the weekend? That’s all we do all week. For money. And now you want me to fix yours, on my free time, for a sixer of miller lite? Good luck getting quality work. I’m going to down that sixer, chase it with 3 or 4 beam & cokes, THEN start working on your computer.
Ok – stepping off the soapbox now.
Whee!
Top Ten? Unheard of for as unfrequent a commenter as I. Tried to whip my desktop computer into shape, and ended up whipping my hands through my hippie-length hair, Jeff Kay style. Total failure this weekend. Except for the fact that I saw “Drag Me To Hell” which was Drag Me To Hellarious.
I can’t believe they stole your kids shirts. Actually, I can believe it.
I bet you that they acquired used underwear from your house also.
Hello, Top Ten -it’s been awhile
Hiya!
Jeff,
On the Surf Report merchandise venture you’re taking on, will official surf report coffee mugs be on the product list? If so I would like to request a rush on these before my place of employment realizes they really don’t need me.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!
Saturday was a work day until 3 o’clock. Then it was home to cut the grass, which came out remarkably well, with all the fancy cross cuts and parallel lines. Looked like the fairways at Augusta National.
Also proceeded to drink my weight in beer. For some reason, they just kept tasting better and going down easier. Imagine that.
Yesterday I played a fantastic golf course in Ohio, just over the boarder. Beautiful place to play, weather was near perfect and I shot an 81, which ain’t too shabby. Won enough money to cover my greens fee. Basically it worked out in the end that I played 18 holes and a cart for $4. That was excellent! Oh, I also drank my weight in beer.
I don’t think they stole our kids’ shirts. I’m fairly certain Toney donated them to the cause.
Drat ! 12
*border not boarder… I knew that
Had a yard sale during the Haight Street Fair at a friend’s house on the corner of Haight and Ashbury. I detest having yard sales almost as much as I detest the Haight Street Fair. Drank myself into a stupor and still managed to make $300. Have no recollection of going to bed.
Paying for it today. Oh, I’m paying for it REAL GOOD.
Happy Monday, Surfers!
White sausage reminds me of white dog-shit. Neither is as it should be.
Didn’t do anything noteworthy over the weekend, so instead of giving a report on that, I will instead make a grand statement on another topic — phrases that must be retired post-haste:
I hereby declare that the phrase “I’m just sayin’ ” has run its course, and is now as annoyingly overused as “Don’t go there” was about ten years ago. There is a certain trajectory for “hip, new” phrases — the first time one hears such a phrase, it sounds fresh and witty. The next few times hearing it, it still sounds new enough that it’s inoffensive. After a few months of hearing the phrase regularly, though, it becomes a tiresome cliche. And after a whole year of use, it’s downright annoying to hear it uttered, and it marks the person still using the phrase as a boring sheep who thinks they’re oh-so-trendy when in fact they’re anything but.
And a year or so ago, it would have been “the thing” to end this post with an “I’m just sayin’ .” But, of course, I won’t.
Spent Waaayyyyy to much time reading the surf report updates!
I smoked a 16 pound beef brisket for most of Saturday and about half of Sunday. De-frikken-licious. We ate like Romans and drank lots of beer. On Sunday evening we sat on the swing out back and I bet my wife that I could hit a lightning bug with a sling shot and a rock. She said, “If you can hit one of those things I’ll give you a blowjob tonight.” I hit four in a row before she made me stop, so it looks like I’ll be in the money until Wednesday.
@Jason – With regard to smoking a 16 lb brisket, does one use a really big rolling paper, or simply stuff as much as you can into a bong?
Top twenty!!! Whew hoo!!
helped a friend christen her new Margaritaville Fiji Premium Frozen Concoction. always glad to lend a hand.
Jeff,
The next time N&N pass by the compound, I think you need to put a poll out about what time the readers really think they will arrive at your house.
I knew when you said they were expected at suppertime, I was guessing on midnight real time.
I guess the good news out of all of this is simply they will now be 100’s of miles south of you.
Just wondering, is it official if S&M are moving in with N&N? Or was this just some sort of fleeting insanity that was quickly put to rest?
JCIII,
They sell these big wrapping papers at the wallmarts that are the same shape and size as a traffic cone, they’re right next to the personal massagers. That’s what I use.
I finished installing the new flooring in my living room. Next agonizing task is to do the trim, which should be an never-ending cavalcade of joy.
When not cutting hardwood I spent my time trolling the internet for disturbing imagery and posting it to Thursday’s comment section.
Swami, throw in “True dat!” and I agree 100 percent.
This weekend. Friday evening, I played one on three in basketball with my son and two other twelve year olds. Trying to guard all three of these little hyper fuckers at once almost led to my untimely death. I could feel my nicotine charged heart about to burst through my chest and my back, which has seen better times than in the past couple of months felt like someone was beating it with a baseball bat. However, I won both games we played to 50 and was able to sleep soundly without waking up in the middle of the night, as I usually do.
Saturday, I suited up to compete against the landscaping in my yard, takings saws, pruners and lawn weapons to battle. I mowed our sand for about two hours and began cutting trees, whose brances had tangles with other brances, making it like a tug of war against five people to pull them down. A branch went into my eye socket and scratched my eyeball badly. I then, instead of pruning the tree, got out my chainsaw and cut the whole goddamn thing down. Fuck you, tree!!!
Sunday, went to find an eyepatch that did not make me look like a pirate. Also dragged my newly dead thirty foot tall tree to the curb and sawed it up. Then watched Kobe the Rapist dismantle the Orlando Magic. Series over.
Did you know- the FDA allows bug parts in lots of foods including cereal, ketchup, and chocolate, but the largest amount they allow is in peanut butter.
On IPOD right now- “Would”- Alice in Chains
@ Jason,
I suggest switching to a bong filled with ice-water. While the up front costs are higher they last forever and really reduce the harsh burning after-taste, which is an important factor to consider when smoking a brisket the size of a small pony.
As an added bonus you can save the bong water and serve it to your in-laws when they visit: Just filter it into a highball glass, add ice and tell them it’s rye.
Had a couple of buddies over Saturday night. Many beers and shots consumed. One of the two guys ended up pissing both in the bar floor (and passing out/sleeping in same) and he also pissed in my cat’s litter box in the laundry room, five feet away from a real toilet. He went right, when he should have gone left. Good times !
I’ve seen that palm down, side to side handshake before in “Lonesome Dove”, between Gus and Blue Duck. It’s done from about 20ft.apart and it means, “I won’t kill you…right now”.
I always use all my fingers when holding a beverage. Mug, glass, cup…whatever. I mean.. “Hey…there’s a beverage here man!!”
@ Swami Bologna…I like the “I’m just sayin” because it’s better than IMHO and just kind of a way to say “my $0.02”. So…I’m just suggesting… (:-D)
Wasted a good portion of Saturday arguing off and on with my father about the need for an absolute separation of church and state. I usually try not to engage when he says ridiculous things, but for some reason, I lost control this time. Couldn’t help myself, and now I feel like I need to go to rehab for my addiction.
Spent yesterday checking out dogs available for adoption from local shelters. Been dog-sitting for the past two weeks and though I’ve been commitment-phobic in the past, I might be ready now but I’m not absolutely convinced. Maybe I should try fostering first?
I did absolutely nothing on Saturday, and nearly nothing on Sunday. Whatta’ great weekend!
@ JCIII – Only if your in Mendocino county…
@ Jason – I think the deal was one firefly, one blow job. I think your gonna have to renegotiate new terms for the concurrent nights. You should have countered her original offer at before the finalizing the transaction. She also has rights of proxy, remember, she only agreed to give you a blowjob, she did not say who would be performing such said act. Does you state have liberal laws regarding beastiality? Do you have goats? Horses? Primates? An old friend or sister-in-law who is mentally challenged? Clay Aikens? Any of these could perform the proxy duty if she sees fit. You must make sure you hammer out all the details before you engage in performance for sex acts.
Oh…I forgot….Anybody like Blue Moon beer? I know it’s made by Coors but I can get it here (I think you all know I live on the outskirts of nowhere) and it seems to be pretty tasty. Thoughts…anyone…Jeff? I know there’s lots of beerers here so just thought I’d ask.
-d
So, what did I do this week? Drove to Va Beach and vegged out all weekend dreaming of Brynhildr tossing a frisbe to her newly adpoted lab pup.
I got drunk on red wine, watched the NASCAR race, and played SimCity. Good unemployed times!
@ DTO – stick with the Coors, but I’m biased and don’t like Blue Moon. Find a good store that has a good variety of microbrews and start out trying some of the ales or IPA’s the have. Flying Dog puts out some rather tasty selections and they rate the beers on the carton, hoppy to yeasty etc.
Blue Moon with a wedge of orange. That’s how a lot of my buddies drink it. I stick with Yuengling, sans fruit. But Blue Moon isn’t bad. Not bad at all.
Saw The Hangover on Saturday night. Funny shit.
My weekend was spent (again) doing yard work. We filled our second 10 cubic yard dumpster full of brush (the town delivers the dumpster to your house on Friday morning empty, picks it up full on Monday morning, all for only $25). There is no better value in yard waste containment.
Overall, 50 trees went down so there is now 5 years worth of firewood in the shed, neatly stacked. And, I’m proud to say I am now master of the chainsaw. Next up: the stump grinder, then it’s time for a real lawn.
Question: Seed or sod? Any opinions?
I lost 5 lbs over the weekend but drank twice my weight in beer both days so it’s all back on today.
Also, saw a bizarre movie called Alexandra’s Project, about a wife mentally fucking with her husband through a video tape. 90 percent of the movie is in one room of their house. Also gained six pounds since Friday.
Stump grinder…hehe (see Thursday’s comments).
Minor league ball game Friday night – ‘our team’ won, so yay! Drank asspensive beers and watched fireworks from the parking lot.
Saturday. Involved….something. Why am I having such trouble remembering? Oh, right – went jogging at NOON in godawful heat and spent the rest of the day recovering. I know there was bourbon, cuz there almost always is. Oh, and FB chattied with the new husband’s sister, whom I’ve never met. Did that tipsy, and hope like hell I didn’t say anything untoward.
Sunday – choich foist, then a nice nap, then a picnic, then more bourbon.
And throughout, we fed baby robins and kept the dog from snacking on our new feathered pets. FUN!
@malcom – if you can afford sod, that’s the way to go. Keep it watered and the dogs off it though, or you’re in for heartbreak!
@ Malcolm
Most seed germinates better when the weather is cool, so you need to spread it either early spring or late fall for it to do any good, and you will need to apply it multiple times to get thick grass.
Sod gives instant gratification, but you need to water it (A LOT), keep the neighbourhood kids off it, etc.
Bottom line: If you have the time, sod looks better and does it faster (99% of builders use sod for a reason). If you’re not in a hurry and can wait a couple of seasons for your lawn to fill in, go with seed.
@Bill in WV – MAN!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought you were thru letting Mr. Pissy whizz on your stuff!!!!!!! Too funny!
Well, he is now officially barred from staying over at the house after partying. He can sleep in his car in the driveway, but the door to the house WILL be locked behind him. Now you all know why we nicknamed him “Stoner”.
Strip clubs, another fight with the ex girl, lots of beer, lots of work.
Friday I slept in, laid by the pool for a few hours and started drinking red wine. Grilled myself a steak for dinner, hung out on the balcony, and read a book.
Saturday worked til 3. Played frisbee golf. Went to a bonfire complete with 4 selections of tasty home brewed beer and a hot tub. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Sunday slept in, had lunch, and played sand volleyball. And got ridiculously intoxicated. Which i am now paying dearly for at my desk!
I am just roaring @ all the posts. My weekend
Saturday — Hub and I started putting a puzzle together..only 550 pieces but we couldn’t find all the border pieces, so I will have to start hunting again.
Sunday — Hub and I went for a picnic at the State Park only to be covered with those nasty black flies. While constantly trying to keep them off of us, the lovely catepillars were dropping off the trees and hitting our head. He had a hat on, but, how gross on my hair. We stuck it out tho, had the XM playing in the car for about 2 hrs, when all of sudden — NO BATTERY…it went dead. During the 2 hrs of insect ridden hell, the park ranger kept driving by, but when we needed our vehicle jumped, do you think we could find a park ranger…NO!!! So we opened the hood of the jeep praying someone would be kind enough to ask if we needed assistance. Well hell that didn’t even happen. So we leashed our dog and started to walk hoping there was a pay phone up by the pool. NO PAY PHONE, and I am thinking….(how the hell are we gonna get home while he is saying “it’ll be ok”) yeah right. Well turned out it was ok, a nice fella with a beat up truck that certainly needed a muffler change came along and low and behold he had jumper cables. We decided that we would be like Dorothy and uttered…There’s no place like home!!!
Inline skated 10 miles on Sunday.
Sunny, warm and breezy, perfect weather
here in Western PA.
Zooooommmm!
15 mph on skates is a blast,
terrorizing the peds on the
walking/biking/skating path.
I ate some brain sausages (by mistake) once. They were real white. I don’t recommend them. White sausages are always bad.
Bratts in Ohio/ Wisconsin…places back there are white/greyish made from veal. Good stuff there. Other than that, the stuff you guys are talking abouk…YUCK!!