What’s the worst hotel/motel room you’ve ever encountered? I can think of three, right off the top of my tiny Duke head, that register fairly high on the ol’ turdometer.
So, let’s run ’em down, shall we?
I’ve told this story before, but when I was a kid our family made a stop at Niagara Falls on vacation. Since we’d never been into Canada, my brother and I lobbied my parents to stay norf of the border for a night. They were planning on the exact opposite, but we finally broke them down.
So, we drove onto foreign soil for the first time (exotic!), and chose a motel that looked OK. It had two floors, in an L-shape, with a pool out front. Kids were doing cannonballs off the diving board as we entered the parking lot, and it appeared to be a prudent lodging choice.
But as we were walking to our room, it became apparent that the place was actually pretty rough around the edges. It was painted and maintained to look nice from the street, but it was all an illusion. None of us said anything, but we knew we were about to bed-down in a shithole.
Indeed, the room was shabby, with beat-to-hell furniture. And roaches scampered in every direction when we turned on the bathroom light. Above the beds was a framed print of The Blue Boy, with one eye missing. It looked like someone had shot it with pellet gun, or was it a spyhole? Gulp.
My brother and I howled in protest, and said there was no way we could sleep in this terrible place. My Dad, who is usually pretty laid-back, got really pissed at us, and insinuated we were a couple of Niles and Frasiers, years before Niles and Frasier had even been invented.
So, there was massive tension in the air. Dad almost never flew off the handle like that. Mom? Well, that’s a different story… But it’s kinda disconcerting when the good cop turns on you. Ya know?
Yeah, we’d be spending the night with the roaches, and that one-eyed poofter in pantaloons, after all. A very distressing turn of events.
And as we were marinating in the bad vibes, my Dad looked over at a bottle of Coke (or whatever) sitting on the night table between the beds. The table had no legs, it was just a platform attached to the wall, and was radically slanted, as if someone had been sitting on it. And my Dad said, “If that Coke starts moving, somebody catch it, OK?” Pressure relieved…
We asked if we could go swimming for a while, and there was (I kid you not) a turd in the pool. Everyone scampered out of the water, screaming bloody murder, and the brown invader floated around, as if propelled by a tiny motor.
A boy, about our age, was providing the play-by-play, and announced to the crowd, “She’s breaking up! She’s breaking up!!”
And shortly after we moved to California, Toney and I came back to Atlanta for a desperate homesick visit. We stayed at the Red Roof Inn on North Druid Hills, and was assigned one of the worst excuses for a room I’ve ever seen.
It was normal-sized, I think, except for, you know, the elevator shaft running through it. Seriously, the elevator was almost literally inside our room. Oh, it was all walled-in, and everything, but it was inches from our bed.
So, all night that thing would run up and down, up and down. Rattling and clanking and wheezing… And the size of it ate up almost the entire room. I had to turn sideways to get to the pee-catcher, it seemed like the elevator was putting off heat, and the noise was just incredible.
I bitched like I was entered in a bitching contest, but they said they were full and couldn’t move us. I think they knocked a percentage off the price, but it wasn’t enough. I told them I’d never stay there again, and they told me that would be OK with them.
And lastly… an ex-girlfriend and I were having trouble, years ago. The writing was on the wall, but we were trying to make it work. We decided to visit the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, for a “romantic” weekend getaway.
Knowing it’s basically a tourist trap, we decided to just book a room when we got there. Hell, there must be a million hotels and motels in that area, right? Maybe we could find a cool lodge, or mountain cabin, or something.
Yeah, that turned out to be a tactical error. There was indeed a million hotels and motels, and every one of them had a NO VACANCY sign out front. We ended up staying at a scary-ass place, way out in the middle of nowhere, with tractor trailers parked all around it.
Wotta dump. The bathroom was filthy, the furniture was loaded with cigarette burns, and there was evidence the sheets hadn’t been changed since the previous guests checked-out. Blecch.
It was, in my estimation, little more than a long-haul trucker jack shack. The ghosts of a million Junior Samples yelling “Hee Haw!” haunted the place, and I slept fully-clothed, with a Wal-Mart bag between my head and the pillowcase.
Oh, and I almost forgot… It was located in a dry county, so we couldn’t even buy beer to take the edge off our disgust!
And outside our door some freaky guy sat in a lawn chair all night, staring silently ahead. His head was just a skull with skin over it, and he never said a word to us. In fact, I don’t think he even blinked. It might’ve been a cadaver, for all I know.
Yeah, it was a fairytale weekend, alright. Extremely successful. It wasn’t the reason my girlfriend and I broke-up, soon thereafter. But it sure didn’t help.
And now it’s your turn. Tell us about the worst, most disgusting hotel/motel rooms you’ve encountered in your travels.
And I’ll be back tomorrow.
Second (or 3 or 4??)!!!!!!!!
Dudley Dawson (Booger) says
Dudley Dawson (Booger) says
Is today’s a rerun from a couple of years ago?
jim britton says
More WHEE! in every spoonful.
Dudley Dawson (Booger) says
I’ve got the same feeling I get when I watch a Letterman rerun. I need new funny stuff every day dammit.
Pocahontas Motel, near Durbin or Elkins. What a dump. Surely to God it is not still there. This was 1989. The beds and everything else in the room was damp and no doubt infested with mold.
A close second was the Cave City Budget Inn.
A close third was the Super 8 in downtown Charleston, WV.
Son of Sam says
The Bambi Motel in Gainesville Fla. Is the shit hole that we stayed in for the drag races. Dump!
Top 10. Been a while! Any hotel in New York City under $500/night.
The Holiday Inn at King of Prussia, Pennsylvania. This was in 1994 or 1995. You could hear the rodents running in the space behind the walls.
Also, the “Daze” Inn, Gainesville, Florida. This would have been 20 years ago. A panopoly of palmetto bugs and mice. Oh – and a lovely mildewed carpet.
Super 8 in Melrose Park (Chicago) IL…. What a toilet…i had booked online and then read several (hundred) reviews about how horrible the place was. Couldn’t cancel without paying through the nose. The place was being renovated (apparently for the last five years), had no food onsite and about half the lightbulbs were burned out or missing. When I got to my “non-smoking” room, it ,of course, reeked of cigarettes. I think the non-smoking sign on the door was attached with velcro. They did move me to another room but my clothes already stunk. The new room was ground floor looking out at the driveway so the headlights would light up the place all night long.
Many years ago, when we still lived in Colorado, my husband an I decided last minute that we wanted to go home to Wisconsin to visit for the week of the 4th of July.
We got in the car with our Chocolate Lab -Zeke- and figured we’d drive straight through the 15 or so hour drive. At around 1am, we decided that driving thru was a bad idea and we needed sleep. We stopped at a hotel just as we entered Iowa to get a room and were basically told that we were nuts- it’s a holiday weekend and they are full- Seveal hotels for that matter, gave the same response. Just when we thought all hope was lost and we were going to be sleeping in the car at some serial killer targeted rest stop, we decided to try one more place.
My husband waited in the car, while I went in with my look of desperation and asked for a room-
Me: “do you have any rooms pleeeeese???”
Guy: “Nope- Sorry, we’re full. It’s 4th of July ya know”
Me: “Yes- I know. Can we sleep on the couch here in
the lobby” (I was desperate)
Guy: “Sorry, can’t allow that”
Me: “(big sigh) Okay, thanks anyway ” (I start to leave)
Guy: “Hey, wait a minute- There was a couple here earlier who got a room and decided after a couple hours they didn’t like it so they left. There is 2 beds in there- should we go take a look?
Me: Hell yes!! (knowing all along it’s not that they didn’t like the room, they were just done with it- THATS how tired we were)
So, we walk to the room, down a concrete sidewalk which was covered with broken glass and hundreds (and I mean hundreds) of toads hopping all over the place. The guy opened the door, and sure enough, one of the beds was “messed up” but the other bed was fine- He said “if ya want it- gimme ten bucks”- I said “okay- it’ll do” and paid the man. I went and got my husband, who had to carry the dog to the room because of all the broken glass- and we finally got to bed at about 2:45am-
At 2:55 am – just dozing off, we were awakened by a loud slurping noise- It was Zeke licking the sheets on the other bed (I know- disgusting). Hubby got up- pulled the beadspread over the top and we finally went nite-nite.
6:00am- Construction involving 2 jack-hammers started 50 yards from the room- We just left- 3 hours sleep in a not so nice place would have to do-
I did get Penicillin for the dog when we got to Wisconsin!
J Shifty says
Once on a driving holiday a friend and I found ourselves entering Tybee Island, GA just before a lovely sunset. Being cheap bastards, we secured a room at the cuttest-rate motel we could find, set up our luggage, and wandered off for supper and a look at the ocean.
Shortly after returning my companion screamed when a Godzilla Roach crawled OUT of her suitcase (she had left the flap open before leaving to eat). After talking her down and explaining the laws of Roach Logic, we turned on all the lights in the room, figuring they could not biologically show themselves with all those photons filling the room.
That lasted about twenty minutes until Rodan Jr. came crawling out from right behind the head board, and walked directly onto the bedside wall lamp. I swear I heard that bastard chuckle as he turned his head and looked at me right before putting a foreleg on the lamp base.
We ran screaming out the door and drove all night to Front Royal, VA. Had a great breakfast, from what I remember.
Bill in WV says
Don’t even remember the name of the place, but it was off the I-77 exit in Statesville, NC. We screwed up on our reservations for the Coca-Cola 600 in Charlotte and had to backtrack to find a motel to stay in (we knew we were in for a tough task). Got 2 rooms at this place that advertised a pool on the front sign. Yeah, they had a pool in the center courtyard (it was full of freshy dumped dirt). The rooms were complete HELL. Ours had only one working light (in the bathroom) and the pillow smelled like a long-haul truckers armpit and got thrown into the corner. The other room was much nicer (had a working light in the main room). However, it had one of those light covers that hang from 3 short chains and 2 of the 3 work broken. We watched several moths do 500 laps around the light bulb while playing quarter bounce. Good times !!!
Susan In NWPA says
Tally-Ho Hotel or was it Tally-Ho-Tel in Youngstown, OH. Scary.
Poops Shathead says
Poops Shathead says
Can I delete headcount comment? Jesus, what was I thinking?
I have stayed in several really shitty hotels in my time. The worst on my list was a Days Inn in Baton Rouge. It was sort of cleaned – the towels had what looked like skid marks on them and everything, and I mean EVERYTHING had cig burns on it, including the floor of the tub (?). The bathroom light was hanging literally by a wire and made a weird sizzling noise. There were bugs. Oh yes… there were bugs. I still shudder when I think of that place. And like your experience, it looked nice enough from the outside.
I also had one experience where a friend and I were caught in a snowstorm and we stayed at some no-name craphole in Toldeo. The clerk gave us the wrong room, where an entire family was apparently living (and I mean for real – one of those “weekly rate” families) and when I tried to open the door an enormous man with a foul odor opened the door and pointed a gun at us and told us to get the F off his property. For a split second I considered arguing the fine point of whther that room was indeed his property or not, But I thought better of it and ran instead.
greg t says
Killington VT. The girl friend at the time and I went skiing for the weekend. She had made the reservations and was told it was quiet and cozy cabins.
We had a double bed that we barely fit in and it was freezing. I saw lights through the walls so no insulation( in Vermont in the WINTER time). The heat was non exsistant. The highway out front had a construction cut in the pavement. There were empty dump trucks coming down out of the mountains all night. When they hit the cut right in front of our cabin the back gate of the truck would fly up and crash down with a thunderous clash. This happened every half hour. We did not sleep a wink and left at 5 am. Then tried to ski for the day. Not a good weekend. The girlfriend did not last much longer either..
This was back when D and I were still dating
and we both lived with our parents.
Hot tubs and 360 glass mirrors
We thought we were splurging
but ran by Koreans
Hot tub was missing 3/4 of the water
and TV only played pr0n
I have a feeling that if I had Luminol
(detects body fluids)
the place would have been saturated.
Can a civilian get luminol Shiny Rod?
Oh it appears I can buy it.
Jeff please consider.. or not.
Mrs. Wally says
After a long night of drinking in Peoria IL the spouse and I decided that there was no way that either of us could make the 45 minute drive home. We had made a reservation on the phone at a place by the casino boat. When we got there they had given away our room because I had not given them a credit card number (as I was going to pay cash). After sitting in their lobby for 45 minutes on the phone to every other hotel in the area, we finally found a room at the Ramada in Pekin.
It is cold as a witched tit in a brass bra outside. We get our key from the desk and walk forever outside to get to our room. Made the trip 4 times because the moron could not figure out how to program the key card. At this point it is about 4:30 in the morning and I am pissed as hell. We get in our room and part of the roof had collapsed on one of the beds from the weight of the snow. The other bed was unmade and rumpled. Hubby thought he was getting booty before we saw the room. We both slept fully clothed.
The next morning we get a phone call at 10:00 telling us we have to check out becuase that room has been assigned for early check in. I have never seen Wally so pissed. He bitched until they finally told him not to worry about paying pobably just to get him to go away!
Two places come to mind. Both were booked as recommendations of friends getting married in the area.
A Days Inn in Atlantic Beach, FL. Just a nasty place, seemed like it hadn’t been cleaned in decades. In the lobby they had these racks set up where they could sell bathing suits and wife-beaters to all the rednecks and hicklet children on vacation in sunny Florida. The pool was just gross in every possible way. We wouldn’t set foot in it. Never again will I stay at a Days Inn.
Then there was the Clarion in Waco, TX. Pubes in the sink, tubs and sheets. Cig burns everywhere. My girlfriend wouldn’t even step into the shower before the wedding so we had to move to the nearby Hilton. It cost me about $150 more per night, but at least it was clean.
Lew in Bama says
A friend and I were headed up to the Ocoee for some white water rafting. The plan was to camp out Friday night, then get up and ride the rapids in the morning. Well, by the time we got to Ocoee area, it was pouring down rain. We weren’t camping in the rain. So we back-tracked to Cleveland TN to get a room. We stopped at 5 hotels before we found one that had a room. We still don’t know what the hell was going on that weekend that had every hotel booked solid. The hotel we ended up in had a redneck nightclub in it…YAY for us. The room was so nasty that neither of us took off our shoes the entire time. I pulled back the comforter, slept fully clothed from head to toe, with a t-shirt over the pillowcase, the hood up on my sweatshirt, and the towel I had packed for covers. I was NOT going to let any little bit of skin of hair touch that nasty bed. We waited til we got to breakfast to use the potty and brush our teeth…didn’t trust the bathroom. God only knows how many bugs we saw…and how many we DIDN’T see. Gives me the heebs just thinking about it.
The next day we were both exhausted from not sleeping , but still managed to be the most adequate paddlers in our raft.
Some now-defunct chain motel in Eugene Oregon in 1973. Smelled of cat piss, the ceilings bulged with water from the floors above, the toilet had a rust ring, the bedding had burn holes, and to top it all off, someone siphoned the gas out of the ol’ rent-a-car overnight.
My parents were pissed, and even as an 11-YO I recall being grossed out by the whole thing.
Not as bad as actually ESCAPING from the hotel we stayed at on Cape Cod one weekend long long ago, when my Dad wound up boosting us all out the bathroom window so that the motel owners, who had called the cops on us, woudln’t see us escaping without paying for their shithole. The Breakers, I believe the place was called. Never, ever again.
About 1999, our 300 pound sack-of-dumbass secretary forgot to book hotel rooms in Las Vegas for a trade show we were attending. So, last minute, she does the scramble and assures us that we are all set at a hotel called La Concha, and proudly announces that it is “right next door to Riviera on the strip.”
Now, I have been to Vegas about ten times, and I don’t claim to know every hotel and restaurant, but I had never heard of this hotel, and my instincts were telling me that we might be headed for trouble.
I was correct. Here is a short description of the room. 120 degrees, air conditioner running and blasting hot air. Last remodeled about 1950 in Soviet green motif. One foot of standing water in the bathtub. Everything in the room has cigarette burns including carpet, tables, bed spread, sheets, toilet seat, drapes. Smells like gym socks and used tampons with overetones of beer puke and Glade.
Sign in the office states they rent by the hour, or by the day, and bath towels are $4.00 extra, refundable if returned to the office at check-out.
The entire city was booked, and we could not find another hotel until the next day.
Worst night of my life. Doors slamming, whores screaming, horns blowing, people running up and down the hall, Ghetto music blasting, sheer hell.
The next day, several of us moved to Caesar’s with a room rate north of $300 per night, the only place we could find to get out of this dump.
When we returned to the office, the sales manager called several of us in to the conference room, prepared to bitch us out for getting such expensive rooms at Caesar’s, but we basically told him to go to hell.
Shiny Rod says
tiff – it’s probably being run by some middle-easterners now. They just splashed some paint on the front and cleaned the pool.
Ramada Inn in Greenwood Misissippi. We were playing a 2-week gig in the lounge and had the rooms above the hotel laundry, in the middle of summer. Hotter-n-hell and the air only worked about half way.
I ate some bad fish in the resturant and was sicker-n-hell for 3 days but I had to play anyway so I kept a bucket behind my amp, never did use it though. In between sets I’d go kneel at the water filled altar and pray for puke but it never came. Fortunately the weed was plentiful.
Jeff, I think I stayed at that Niagara Falls motel back in ’55. Or there’s more than one like that up there.
Shiny Rod says
I have to say that I have never stayed in a total dive hotel/motel. The closest I can think of was a place in Pennsylvania off the Turnpike near Scranton. It wasn’t near what Jeff described but it was in need of a furniture update. If you laid in the bed, you would always roll to the middle. The TV remote had off/on, volume and channel changer and no cable. The air conditioner was so loud, it drowned out the turnpike traffic noise. Oh and no pool. But I did stay in an apartment in Atlanta that had roaches so bad, the roaches posted a daily menu. My cat was on it a couple of times.
I had a company that was working on a Catholic nursing home, “Our Lady (of something)” in New Orleans. I went to check it out and she thought it would be fun or romantic to tag along. We rolled into town at about 11:30 at night on a Saturday. Everything was packed so we had to settle for some dump off the loop.
They didn’t even try to look clean or decent. I think it was a den for whores and druggies. We opened the door and the whole room smelled of ham. Very strong ham odor, which isn’t good. There were two beds seperated by a shitty little “table” atop which was a Gideon’s Bible and the remote contol, which was held to the wall with a cable (to prevent theft).
One of the beds had the covers thrown back and there was a well used dildo laying at the foot of it. “This is someone else’s room, they’re still staying in it” said my wife. So I went back to the front desk and confirmed that this was indeed our room, and nobody else was staying in it.
I’d been holding back a piss since Mississippi so I went back to the bathroom. There was an iron sitting atop the toilet. I started pissing and looked over towards the tub and noticed a soiled diaper laying in it. It looked LARGE so maybe it was an adult diaper? I don’t know. The floor was covered in piss and cock hairs. And again, it smelled like ham.
I got pissed off and decided to bolt. I had the honey pack everything up while I went to the front desk to dress down the slum lord. He wouldn’t give me all of my money back, he kept about $20. We finally left and made our way to a Motel 6.
I have another horror story about the Smokey Mountains. We went to Gatlinburg. Every hotel had the same name (Friend’s Inn or somesuch) and advertised having a hot tub. I won’t bore yall with the story, but it wasn’t a treat.
J Shifty says
Citizen X mentioned Luminol, which reminded me of one of those 20/20-type features on invisible filth in swank hotels a few years back (mostly mites, vermin, and body fluids). Most of the hour consisted of shining a special “proteinaceous fluid detecting” wand light on “clean” sheets and seeing them light up like the mothership in Close Encounters.
We instantly dubbed that instrument the “Jizz Lamp” and pondered commercials where satisfied customers bring it to yard sales and hotels, hold it up to questionable surfaces, and exclaim “That was close! Thanks, Jizz Lamp!”
This is more of a warning than anything. I was sucked into a vacation a few years ago. It was to be in Florida and it would include a cruise and several nights stay at resorts. The cruise was just fine but the “resorts” turned out to be Ramada dumps. Beware, they call every hell hole in Florida a “resort”. Not what I had in mind. We paid upfront. All I had to do was pay the taxes for the rooms, which amounted to about $35 a night. What a sham.
Has anyone stayed at Opryland recently? They’ve let it go to pot. We stayed in an Opryland near dallas, can’t remember the name, but it was nice. I guess they haven’t had time to shitty it up yet.
Ive never had a horror story room. I remember a bug infested room in a Holiday Inn in Lexington once, but I just went and got another room.
Sorry, I got nothin’ on this one.
The Lee-Grant Motel in Appomattox, Virginia. The pool water was a deep forest green, and it was August. We sat outside because it was cooler there than inside. Of course, we didn’t know that it must be local tradition for the boys to throw their empty beer cans/bottles at the guests while driving past at about 100MPH. Glad to see the dawn.
Bill in PA says
I was “on the road” for 10 years of my career, and I’ve stayed at a few bad places. Seems like I have a mental block of the truly horrid ones though. My mind won’t let me remember them, thank God.
There was one place near DC, where the lady handed you a key and said
“You might want to look at the room before you decide.”
I looked, I decided, and I didn’t. Looked like Jason, or Freddie or Chucky might jump out of one of the cracks in the wall. “Cuh-ree-pee!”
I remember the cool places though,
like the Beverly Hills Hilton in CA.
Fruit basket, bottle of good wine and a super plush bathrobe.
Awesome view of the pool from the balcony.
The Hotel Macklowe in NYC when it was brand new.
I think I was the first or second person to ever stay in that room.
It was mint, and I was there for a week. Totally first class!
The Dutch Motor Inn in Tallahassee Florida. What a dump! I had booked it on Expedia for a week and it was by far the seediest crap-hole I’ve ever experienced. The carpet was always damp, the furniture was cheap, old, and cigarette-burned. And the maid would sometimes not get the door shut completely after they “cleaned”. Several times I got there after work and just pushed the door open. Since I had my computer set up in there, I would have really appreciated some barrier between my possesions and the seedy & questionable motel patrons.
hahahahahaaaa… I love these stories.
I remembered one more! My sister and I stayed at a dump near the airport in Seattle and not only was it a complete craphole but the freaking TOILET tipped over with my sister on it!!! It was completely detatched from the floor!!
Lester Bangs says
Did you notice the cuticles of the guy holding the eyeball in the Six Million Dollar Man intro? They looked like they had been gnawed on by rats. Blecch. I musta seen that intro a thousand times when I was a kid and I never noticed it before. That would never make it on the air in this day and age.
Doubletree, Eureka, CA. Flipped over the comforter to find a GIANT BLOOD STAIN.
I don’t clearly recall the hours that ensued. We were dead-tired from driving, so I think we might have just pitched all the bed linens into the corner and slept on the bare mattress in our clothes.
Tony Tony Tony says
They had damn fine meat though.
Stayed at the Ramada -Limited in Virginia Beach 6 years ago. The word ‘Limited’ is the key tip off. Limited cleanliness and Limited ammenities. We knew the entire boardwalk was overbooked so we had to stay the night. There were used condoms in the parking lot and men’s underware hanging from the tree visible from the 3rd floor balcony. A real ‘crackwhore’ den. Losers just hanign out in the lobby and parking lot (strung out or looking for a fix).
I slept on the floor in front of the door so as to be the first awakened by any anticipated intruders.
While checking out the next morning and cancelling our remaining days; there was a line of folks who were also checking out days early.
Some dump in Austin, TX right under an overpass off of highway 35. Oh, there was the usual circus of bodily fluids and general crusty grime associated with unclean motels. Plus the constant rumble of the overpass. But the special treat was the filthy “handicapped” bathroom we got saddled with. There was no door, only a damp dirty curtain. The indignity of it all!
So while I was doing my biz with the curtain held closed by a trashcan, a large cockroach ambled out between my feet. At the time I didn’t even recognize it as a cockroach, it was so big. Sweet Jesus, it has to be some sort of Lost World dinosaur, right? Turns out they ain’t lying when they say “everything’s bigger in Texas”.
Anyway, I showed it to my husband for identification purposes and he went completely catatonic. Turns out he had a phobia, who knew? So I had to bludgeon the thing myself with the trashcan. It took a few tries, but I corralled it in the shower and pulled a Norman Bates on it’s ass. Ugh, as if it wasn’t disease-ridden enough in there! Needless to say, all showers were taken wearing flip flops.
There was some revenge, though. As we were leaving we saw a couple kids drive their U-haul clear into the porch overhang of the motel’s front entrance. Took out the whole damn thing!
The trip advisor website has a worst hotel/motel section with actual photo’s taken by people who stayed there! It’s really worth a look especially this close to Halloween!!
Camden NJ – Murder Capital of America
HoJo’s on the River – I swear CSI Vegas couldn’t have come up with a more ominous, skewed rathole. Doors hung sideways, wierd gunk on the windows and counter tops, furniture taped together – virtual Crime Scene ribbons floating thru the air…
slept with a couch pushed against the door
Fargo, ND – it was very cold
Exhausted, stripped down and slipped between the sheets… poke. What’s that? Nothing really, only A HUGE FUCKING HUMAN TOENAIL!!!
Marriot (the old one) Manhattan
Greasy furniture, tons of teenagers in lobby, all looking slightly alarmed. Party of 5 in the adjoining room ( oh bonus! it has a door! maybe they might walk in At Any Moment!) Did I mention, Party of 5, of which 2 were screeching, enthusiastic hookers?
Did the final roomscope before checking out – found I’d been sharing bedspace with a crack pipe made out of a shampoo bottle. (“does this taste funny to you?” “Yah, but my scalp wants another hit…”)
Paris – 5th Arronidesment
Had the same elevator thing in Paris – the shaft CUUUUURVED into the room. That wasn’t so bad, despite the fact that they had no clock or wakeup call – we had a 8 AM flight to New York and actually had fun buying a cheap alarm clock we still have from a closing Arab bazaar – but not so bad as the shower floor. it had no rim, no lip, nothin. When you took a shower all the water just went on going, out into the bathroom, the room itself, the elevator shaft, and probably out and down in the Seine.
Cleveland – Marriot again.
Towering into the sky. Dead empty. Spooky as shit, like “The Shining” spooky. Upside – they put me in a huge, top floor suite. Downside – it was in Murder Central (room at the end of a hallway, closest to the stairs).
Slept with a couch against the door.
Why, why, why, would anyone stay in Camden, NJ?
On a lighter note, YAAAAY PHILLIES!!!
I tell you what, this is the funniest shit I’ve ever read. I have no idea why but I find other people’s hotel misery absurdly funny. Loud noises, stinky smells, sticky things, bugs…….God, it’s hillarious.
But here’s a good hotel story, if you like.
When we go to a larger city we like to stay in the older hotels. For example, in Nashville there’s “The Hermitage”. It’s super nice. People used to live in hotels, you know. JFK, Al Capone, and Jason all stayed there (just to name a few). They have nice dining areas, the main room is fantastic, and they’ll still do pretty much whatever you want. Last time we went to Nashville I called ahead and they had robes with our initials sewed on them – it wasn’t free, mind you, but it was nice. And I mentioned that Melanie is from Germany and they had a number of things waiting for her when we arrived: a newspaper from Berlin, some chocolates, and a weird malt type drink that she loved – all of this was a pleasant surprise.
The valet was always so helpful. He filled me in on local shows and things like that. The first day we got there he asked me what kind of food we’d like and he ended up making reservations for me at “The Melting Pot”. I know it’s a chain, but you still need reservations there. There were little notes when we got back which told us what we might like to see on television (based on our age, I guess) and a breakfast menu so that we might choose to order it ahead of time and have it delivered to the room the next morning. They pressed my shirts, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I guess the point is that there are better hotels out there. And if you ever find yourself in Nashville check out the Hermitage.