Another thing that’s pissing me off lately: People starting every sentence with the word “so.” Have you noticed this, or am I, once again, many years behind the curve? It’s stuff like this:
Me: Do you know how I can automatically pull information from a spreadsheet on the Y: drive, into a new spreadsheet I just created?
Them: So, let me show you.
WTF? That’s nonsensical. And I’m noticing it more and more. It bothers me… It bothers me a great deal.
My ears are screwed up this morning, and they’re screwed up most mornings. Luckily, I haven’t had too many health problems during my life so far, but my ears and eyes have never functioned at an acceptable level.
Every morning I go through a period when both my ears are sealed off like a submarine. Sometimes they pop open within seconds of me going vertical, and other times it takes longer. Like today. I’ve been off the platform for a couple of hours already, and my left ear is still vapor-locked. It sucks.
My dad has bad ears, too. He goes through the same thing, so I guess I’m carrying on the family tradition. Both of us have seen doctors about it, and it has nothing to do with wax, or anything like that. That’s the first thing people say, when I complain about it: Have you had a doctor blast the earwax outta there? But that’s not the problem, it’s something to do with moisture not draining correctly, or somesuch.
When one or both my ears are stuffy and jacked-up, it throws everything off. I feel out of it, and almost drugged. But I have so many years of experience with it, I know I have to just ride it out. If I start playing around with my earholes, it’ll just prolong the problem.
And my eyes… They’re Grade C at best. I have to wear gas permeable contact lenses — nothing else will do the trick. Regular contacts are useless, and glasses don’t do much, either.
It’s not a huge issue, but I worry that since I started out with weak eyes, they’ll eventually give out on me. I’ve got less to work with… I’m concerned that in the future I might have to walk behind a freakishly-trained, vest-wearing dog. Ya know? And I’ll have to request a special menu at TGI Fridays, with 72 point fonts.
Oh well. It could be much, much worse. I know this, and I’m thankful that it’s been relatively smoove-sailing, so far. Pass the beer nuts.
We went to Moe’s a few days ago, for Nerf football-sized burritos, and they had a bunch of portraits on the walls, of people who supposedly look like rock stars. Apparently they had some kind of months-long contest, and these were the “winners.” Yeah, and I don’t want to be cynical… but most were sad facsimiles of the real thing.
“Jimi Hendrix,” for instance, was just some random black guy, who looked nothing like the real Jimi. Except he was black. Is that all it took? And this dude was fat, for godsake! What the hell, man?
“Buddy Holly” was equally lame. It looked like Pat Sajak in horn-rimmed glasses. It feels like they could’ve done better…
And that leads me to the Question of the Day. In the comments section, please tell us what famous person or persons you’ve been told you resemble. Anyone? We need to know.
I’ve been told by several people that I look like the bass player in U2, Adam Clayton. And I’ll concede a slight resemblance. A girl I used to know always told me I look like Lou Reed, but I think she was delusional or brain damaged, or something. For one thing, my neck isn’t wider than my head… And I’m not a badass motherfucker.
What about you? Has anyone said you look like someone famous? Tell us about it.
If you don’t have anything on that one, how about people you know who look like someone famous? There’s a guy at my job who looks EXACTLY like Jim Carrey. Seriously, it’s mind-blowing.
I’m gonna call it a day now, and get ready for work. And just so you know, my left ear popped-open right around the time I typed “Pat Sajak.” Maybe that’s the key??
I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Can you believe it?!?
Happt Two-fer-Tuesday!!
I know a woman that looks just like a young Raquel Welch. A friend that I went to school with looks a lot like Randy Quaid (circa Christmas Vacation, Cousin Eddy). And I have a cousin that looks like Randy from “My Name is Earl”.
I’ve been told that I look like Mr. Big from that stoopid chick show.
That’s hot.
Yum!
Ab-so-fucking-lutely.
Former CIA director Michael Hayden looks like Elmer Fucking Fudd. Google him. Seriously.
So, that’s all I got right now. At this time. I look like nobody.
Here’s a combination of words I thought I’d make it through my whole life without putting together: You’re right, Farty!
The resemblance is uncanny. Now I’m going to go see if I can find an audio clip.
Hahahahaha! He does.
He also looks like Red from that 70s show.
So, no one has ever told me that I look like Flavor Flav.
At this time.
I’ve never been told that I look like any particular famous person, but apparently I have a “familiar” face. It never fails that when I meet new people, someone will always say “You look familiar, have we met before?” and I have to say no. Because I’ve never met any of the people who say that to me. Never.
As for people I know, I met a woman at a children’s birthday party the other day who was the spitting image of Jodie Foster, albeit about 100lbs heavier. It was weird to talk to her. I felt like I was on the set of Sommersby. She was talking to me and I don’t remember anything she said, I couldn’t get past how she looked.
Um, Carrie, that’s sometimes something that men say to get a conversation started. An appropriate answer would be something like, “Could it have been in County lockup?” But you seem perfectly capable of scripting your own responses. Just trying to help.
jtb
I’ve considered that theory as well, however it tends to be women whom I hear it from most often. Is that a bad sign? Maybe I need to wear more lipstick. Hmmm. Food for thought.
Carrie…
You know, there’s something about your writing that’s very familiar. Have we met before?
jtb
County lock-up perhaps?
Some women are interested in other women, so I hear.
*gasp*
The hell you say!
Yeah, but Adam Clayton look a little like Lou Reed, soooo….. 🙂
Geez Louise, they really do look alike.
I’ve been told I look like Merlin “Father Murphy” Olsen. Nothing gets chicks hotter than a resemblance to the priest from “Little House on the Prairie.”
By the way, Happy Birfday, Jeff!
I used to get told I looked like Reba in the 90’s we had the same hair. apart from the HUGE age difference I actually do sort of resemble her and that is sad.
Jeff my ears are the same way. Drives me crazy. i had my left ear stopped up where I could not hear out of it for 6 months one time. Had to do all kinds of steroids and crap to open it up. Ridiculous.
Yep. When I was but a child I had some ENT (although I think we might have just called him the ear doctor) tell my mother that I (we, brother and sister , too) had a eustachian (is that right?) tube defect that caused our ears to drain improperly.
Many years of Hell.
My mom has te same thing. Glad I inherited Pop’s lobes.
I had a sinus infection last year over fourth of July week/weekend and I couldn’t hear out of my ear for almost a month. It was horrible…
I have had a few people tell me I look like Jack Nicholson when I am wearing my really dark Ray Ban sunglasses.
He and I do have the same hairline and I do slick my hair straight back, but other than that, I don’t see a resemblance.
Plus, he is about 20 years older than me, so screw them.
Apparently I look a little like Eddie Vedder, for what that’s worth.
So, Lee Harvey is the onliest one who got the “so” thing so far…
People who are famous typically don’t look like me. However, I have been told on a few occasions (by strangers) that I look like a medical doctor.
I’ve carried a man-purse for 20 years or so (don’t know how I got by without it before) and maybe that confuses people. And I really do talk like I write, slightly convoluted with long sentences and lots of commas. I’ve been a “business” guy all my adult life, so I have, until my back went south, always had a reasonably conservative haircut. I’ve had a beard since the Nixon administration, but I’m not sure beards should remind anybody of doctors.
When I think someone is, or a group of people are, wondering about my specialty, I typically haul out a smoke and light one up. That usually does the trick. I don’t want anybody to run to me for life-saving help when they should be calling 911.
I guess when I was younger I should have tried the old OB-GYN trick, but I didn’t look like a doctor then, and in any case it’s probably more polite to buy someone a drink before examining her hoo-hoo.
regards…
jtb
JTB…
I think they call them “European shoulder bags” now.
The men who are worried about their man-ness call them that. Mine will always be a man-purse, but thanks for the suggestion.
jtb
I’m so far behind the times. Now they call a hoo-hoo a European Shoulder bag? Man, it’s a good thing I’m married, I’d never pick up the new lingo at the bar scene…
Dave’s,
Should something dissolve your marriage, it’s good to keep in mind that it’s best not to call any part of a woman’s body a European Shoulder bag until well into the relationship. After that, how far you go is entirely a private affair.
jtb
I’ve gone through several look-alike phases, apparently. When I was in college (and thinner) I used to get Jim Carey a lot. After I changed my hair (around 1997) I started to get Rob Lowe. I think both of those are horseshit. I never looked like either of those dudes, but that’s what (drunk) people would say.
Nowadays I’ve heard Jeremy Sisto (an actor) on a few isolated occasions. The first time I heard that I had to google him, and I was like “Oh NO… not that guy!”
In the late ’80s, people used to say I looked like Daryl Hannah, but I could never see it.
I have a lot of weird ear stuff, too, and I’ve found that using a neti pot helps.
Neti pots are great for some, but there’s a small population that gets ear and sinus infections from them That would be me. I used the correct materials too (i.e., not just tap water and table salt). In any event, I don’t see Jeff sticking no damn hippie pot of water up his nose.
I have a Neil Med Bottle, or a Nedi Bottle as I called it for months before I realized it didn’t even say Nedi bottle on it…They work for me, but don’t work for my boyfriend at all.
I got a bad perm once and people started saying I looked like Chelsea Clinton. The horror. My brother is starting down the slippery slope of looking like Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles football coach. Which sucks for him since he lives around Philly. And my best friend laments that he looks like Paul Giamatti. I said, “Hey, better him than Steve Buscemi.”
I got bad ears, among other things. It’s called Eustachian Tube Dysfunction and so far I’ve only come up with two ways to deal with it when a particularly scrappy plugging situation presents itself. One, decongestants. Which suck and spike up my blood pressure. The other is to pinch my nose shut and drink water. Something about negative pressure pulling this way and that and unleashing the Kraken. It’s worked more often than not. Try it sometime.
Have any of you ladies with tube problems considered consulting an OB-GYN?
jtb
Shoot, i guess I’m 20 years and a bad haircut too late to use that one.
jtb
I went back and specified “eustacian” in my post before I clicked submit for this very reason.
I’ve got defective eustacian tubes, too. I dealt with it for over a year before I went to the county quack who said nothing can be done for it. It’s both ears but one is not too bad at all. I hate decongestants and so far haven’t been desperate enough to take them. I’m going to try the pressure thing you just mentioned. It feels like a bag of cotton balls stuffed in my left ear. It’s horrible.
I’m missing the eustachian-eustacian joke here.
I’m also trying to chew more gum lately too. But it’s not the greatest habit to engage in, though I understand it’s still better than washing your socks in a public drinking fountain. But only slightly.
It strikes me that the two undertakings accomplish two unrelated, but essential, tasks. Breaking the sound barrier and breaking the smell barrier.
Twas a “Bloom County” reference.
My shame for missing it.
eustacian…sounds like someone ladies go to to get something done …”So, I’m off to the eustacian, see ya”.
Gretchen has ETD… she’s a dirty girl… 🙂
I followed her eustacian with a suitcase in my hand
And I followed her eustacian with a suitcase in my hand
Well it`s hard to tell it`s hard to tell, when all your love`s in vain
All my love`s in vain
HAHAHAH
When eustacian come in the station
It had two light on behind….
I’ve been told (and it’s true) that I look like Mario Batali :
http://consumerist.com/mario-batali.jpg
Could be worse. There are far uglier fat guys out there.
Joe
That’s the redheaded guy who thinks he’s Italian. Right? Could be worse. You could look like me!
You don’t wear those ugly-ass Crocs like him do you?
No. I wear “aqua socks” or business socks. Never shoes.
Business socks, like this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU
At one time back in the late 80’s while living in Mesa, AZ. many people would confuse me with Rick Sutcliff, the Cubs “Ace” pitcher at the time.
Things have declined thru the years & now people think I look like John Goodman. WTF! I sincerely hope they are thinking of the recently “slimmed down” John Goodman & not the Rosanne, Flintstones or Brother Where Art Thou version.
The Qweezy Mark looks like an amalgamation of Patrick Swayze(BC), Joe Isuzu, and sportscaster Dan Patrick.
That poor bastard.
Sweeeeet !
I have had many people tell me that I look like Howie Long. Problem is, he is probably about a foot taller than me!
So, I think that Jeff should’ve started off his post with “So, another thing that’s pissing me off lately…”
I’m just sayin’.
Last post from yesterday in case the Dude missed it:
Dude…
That’s why you get the big bucks. I was trying to argue, rather unsuccessfully, that the Founding Fathers had Willie in mind as a special case with regard to the 4th amendment. Obviously, your advice is considerably more practical.
Seriously, I never do anything really important without consulting my attorney.
Not so seriously, we got the lawyer. Now for the guns and money….
jtb
Finding guns around here won’t be a problem.
You just won’t find them around me. Which, I guess, is why I actually don’t get the big bucks. Even though it’s the season.
As for the money–well, it’s not always all about the money. Even if the shit has hit the fan.
And for the record, I didn’t take little Susie to the junior prom. It wasn’t me.
And one more point: Since I’ve entered the life of a recovering attorney (I took an in-house gig a number of years ago), I’m of the opinion that there are many important things that should be done without consulting an attorney. As often as not, they take normal business transactions (that were, and should still be, conducted via a handshake) and fuck them up. I’m just sayin’…
Yeah, I’m all out of guns myself.
For thirty years, I have had enduring relationships with my doctor, my dentist and my attorney (they are actually three different guys). For none of them is it all about the money. My attorney is neither rapacious nor a drama queen, which means I can ask his advice and know that I am getting thirty years of legal experience filtered through the brain of a friend.
I agree with you that this does not constitute the typical attorney/client relationship. An attorney typically only gets paid for trouble, and some have been known to create trouble to ensure a payday. So your warning is welcome and appropriate.
Have you any witnesses as to your whereabouts the night of the prom, or were you home “reading”?
best wishes…
jtb
I have a plethora of witnesses as to my doings on the night of the prom. After drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s, I took a walk with Lon Chaney, Lon Chaney, Jr., and the Queen.
Then I met up with Roland. Come to think of it, Roland could supply the gun.
So, I always hear I look like Ice Cube. Guess it’s better than when I was young always hearing I look like Gary Coleman. It’s probably cuz I was short and all black people look alike!
Kyle Petty, James Hetfield, and Mickey Hart
Name a hummer, a bummer, and a drummer?
I look like the piss boy.
The Piss Boy looks like you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1V_0k7DZt-o
So, I haven’t seen that in so long – hilarious.
When I was much skinnier and a senior in high school people thought I was a dead ringer. I had some issues in my senior year that required me to be out a lot (I had a weird stalker) and when I was in school I had to be followed by my own security guard to and from classes. Because of these strange events and the fact that I was skinny, had long brown hair, big brown eyes and looked natural everyone assumed I was Katie Holmes and was in fact gone so much to ‘film’ Dawson’s Creek.
It was kind of fun. I once went with my dad to a premiere in Hollywood (he is a film editor & documentarian) & was all gussied up. Lo & Behold the theater had a giant billboard of Dawson’s Creek on top so when we were walking in, all dressed up, some girl started screaming from the sides “Katie! Oh god, Katie!! I love you!” It wasn’t until my dad said ‘They think you’re Katie’ that I looked over & had about 50,000 camera flashes in my face. It was bizarre but awesome.
Now I’m a bit chunkier & don’t want to be associated with the cray-cray that is Tom Cruise, so I don’t look like Katie Holmes. Oddly, though, a lot of people at my work have been coming up to me saying ‘Do you watch Big Love? I SWEAR you look like Ginnifer Goodwin, who plays Margene! When I saw it I thought, hey, she looks just like Melissa!’ She’s cute and all but I don’t think I look a dang thing like her.
Oh yeah….HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEFF!
Some asswipe once said I looked like Karen Valentine. Are you shitting me? Not even close.
My brother is a ded ringer for Frank Zappa. He was literally chased down a beach once by “fans” who swore it was him.
if Beloved grows his hair, and hwne he had a beard, he looked very similar to Clint Eastwood. Nowadays, he can sometimes look like Al Gore. Jeez, talk about 2 ends of the spectrum.
Global warming is a real bitch, isn’t it? LOL
But he did invent the internet! LOL
And is it wrong that I would like to throw the girl sitting outside my office eating her lunch out a window? She must have soup or something because I am hearing this god-awful slllluuuuuurrrrrrrrpppp sound every two seconds. Ugh, I’m getting out of here for at least an hour so I can come back to her being gone. Why does there have to be a desk right outside my office?! (My door is stuck open today as remodeling is going on & they are rearranging cubicle walls outside my area, so I can’t shut her out. Ugh!)
I’ve been told, on more than one occasion, that I look like one of the girls on Robert Plants “Addicted to Love” video. They all have dark hair and blue eyes. Just like many Irish descendants…… Wow. LOL.
Sorry, Robert Palmer, not Plants. Never liked the song or video one way or the other anyway.
Jeff, there are many levels of “badass motherfucker”.
Lou Reed has a BA-MF classification that maybe a dozen or so people in the world could be in.
Don’t sell yersef short.
When I was in my early 20’s I used to be told that I looked like Tom Hanks. I even won a contest in some zine where they wanted you to send in a picture to back up your “resemblance”.
A few years later I was working in a coffee shop, wearing an apron and people used to tell me I looked like Tim Robbins from “The Hudsucker Proxy” (Robbin’s character wore an apron in early scenes of the movie as a mailroom clerk)
A couple of years ago somebody posted an episode of MTV’s “Remote Control” on which I appeared online. One of the comments that readers posted said that I looked like Joss Whedon.
I think I’m going downhill. If I don’t watch it I’m gonna get ” Hey, weren’t you Mr. Wilson on the old “Dennis the Menace” show ?”
Hm…Lets see, I’ve been told before that I resemble Christina Ricci, and for some reason, old woman always seem to think I look like Rachel Ray. Which I do not see. While working at TGIF’s a few years ago, I had more elderly ladies then I can count, drinking hot glasses of water with lemon and saying, “Has anyone ever told you, you look just like that cooking lady on tv?!? What’s her name Edna?”
“Ehhh…Paula Deen?”
“No, no…the brown haired one! Just a new show! RACHAEL RAY!”
I would just knod and smile and eventually bring out their fish and chips or whatever.
I’ve also been told at one point in my life that I looked like Joan Jett from the 80’s…Don’t know where that came from.
My dad happens to be a spitting image of Tom Selleck, and our friend Cody looks like the original Swamp Thing…that’s all I can think of right now. Lol.
So, when my brother graduated in the early ’70’s, he totally looked like Austin Powers–right down to the horned-rimmed glasses and sideburns! As he has gotten older, however, he now resembles Rob “meathead” Reiner. I’m not sure if that would be a compliment or not…
I don’t think anyone famous resembles me, but my Mii (on Wii) looks like Dick Cheney-which disturbs me greatly!
My Mii resembles me perfectly! I love her!
At one time in my life I was told that I look like Nicolas Cage by more than one person. Now I just look like a fat old bald white guy…
David Cross or George Costanza. It doesn’t bode well for my dating prospects.
My dad had a strong resemblance to Johnny Carson. I recently looked at my old wedding pictures and damn if I didn’t look like a young Kenny G, long curly hair and all. Not proud of that. Now most people think I am a retired cop. Maybe it’s the cheap suits? Not sure. A few years ago I got called a ‘worthless son of a bitch’. Guy thought I was a Parkersburg, WV city councilman. I looked at the councilman’s pic and sure enough we could have been twins.
John Sixx????
You are probably thinking of Jamie Six. He is the County Clerk. John Six is a hairdresser. The guy I am talking about is no longer on council and I don’t remember his name.
Whenever I feel like getting a cheap drunk on, I take of my glasses.
I’ve been told I resemble a Jew, an Arab, a Russian, a Mexican, a New Yorker, and a half-asian man I’ve never heard of. Are those famous people?
I look Amish, according to a Denny’s waitress who said so one night when I was tripping my balls off in Texas…
I have been told by several people I look like Barbra Streisand because of my eyes….usually its older people. But lately it’s Debra Norville on one of those gossip shows. I dunno…don’t see it myself.
Happy Birhday Jeff!
For a while back in the early 80’s I worked at a place where everyone started sentences with ‘By God, now I tell you what…’ it about drove me nuts.
I told ya already on Facebook too Jeff, but Happy Birthday!!! 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀
in high school, with a perm, i got Linda Ronstadt a lot. in my 20’s, i heard Debra Winger. Now i am just a regular middle aged woman…
I’ve been told that I look like Sam Elliott, with the big gray mustache. When I was clean-shaven, someone said I looked like Prince Charles.
My brother-in-law bears an uncanny resemblance to former Detroit Lions head coach Wayne Fontes.
We used to hang out in New York City on our lunch hour watching the passers-by and looking for celebrity look-alikes. We got a female Sam Kinison once.
Don, so…I’m thinking given your two choices? Grow the stache.
I have a friend, Marcellus Wallace and he looks LIKE A BITCH.
I look like Drew Carey without the money but all the weight.
I’ve used both of these line before.
So, I apologize for JACK!!! SQUAT!!!.
I hear this a lot at work now…. people starting sentences with “yeah, no..” Which is it?
The wife looks like Kathryn from CSI – Marg Helgencheeseburger.
Lucky man. Marg Helgencheeseburger is hot.
a drunken mexican once chased me down the street saying “i love you john cena!!!!1”
and my gf’s kid said i look like goldberg.
my ex gf said i used to look like a fat andew w.k (back when i had long hair … or any hair…)
and my best friend used to say i look like carl from aqua teen hunger force
No Handbanana! No!!!
I’ve been told by literally hundreds of people that I not only look like, but also talk like, Gary Busey. Anytime someone starts the line “Hey, you know who you remind me of?” I always finish it with “Yep, Gary Busey.” and they say “Yeahhhh! How’d you know?” I was at a kegger at NMSU campus one night and a girl argued with me for a half hour claiming that I looked just like Buddy Holly. I said “No, you’re thinking that I look like Gary Busey, the actor who portrayed Buddy Holly in the movie ‘The Buddy Holly Story.” She drunkenly insisted that all three of us looked exactly the same. I guess it’s my big smile and squinty eyes…
Of course, this was backj when I actually had hair. Haven’t heard it as much recently…
You weren’t in a bar in Central Ohio about two weeks ago, right? I bought a guy a Jameson for looking JUST LIKE Busey. He sounded like him too, down to the crazies in his voice.
Ha! No, that wasn’t me, but I do have an affinity for Central Ohio, as I resided in Columbus for about half of the 80s. That Jameson would’ve tasted nice!
Oh, Yeah! Happy Birfday Mr. Kay!!!
Happy Birthday Jeff
I didn’t know until Suzette and Brittney said something. I don’t even keep up with Facebook.
I can’t even go to the mall or a movie anymore. All the ladies screaming, “Brad! Brad Pitt! Oh my God!” Then they grab my nipples and try to undress me. Such a pain in the ass. Leave me alone, whores. I’m not Brad Pitt. Jesus.