You know what really roasts my peanuts? Show-offy skinny people in gym clothes who opt for applesauce instead of fries at Wendy’s, or wherever. They always make a big show of it, and say it loud enough for everyone within thirty yards to hear. They’re like people who don’t own a television, and can’t stop talking about it. They can all go fuck themselves.
I’m not in the greatest of moods today, for a variety of reasons. I won’t bore you with the details. But you know those things called plans? Despite almost fifty years of shitkicking around this planet, I still make them. Isn’t that hilarious? What a dupe. What a fool. I feel like doing a cartwheel into the Grand Canyon.
Yesterday I worked ten hours, on my day off, and also got an oil change. That’s why there was no update. Sorry ‘bout that. At the garage I had them rotate my tires, and the guy told me I need front brakes.
“How much?” I asked.
“$220,” he answered.
“Not today,” I told him.
“You’ll want to do it soon,” he replied.
“Wanna bet?” I said.
Who needs brakes? Brakes are for suckers. Right? In any case, it’s literally one thing after another. It would be so kick-ass to make it through a whole day without receiving bad news of some sort. Yeah, I know it’s all low-grade stuff – no medical problems or anything like that – but there’s a cumulative effect. It builds up until my brain starts to throb.
And that’s another thing. I believe I might have a problem with blood pressure. I had a health screening at work a few months ago, and they informed me I’m a fat son of a bitch, with high blood pressure. I’d never had an issue with it, but it seems to be consistently high now. So, I made a doctor’s appointment.
I don’t like medical stuff, and haven’t had a checkup since Dr. Dot, six or eight years ago. She gave me a physical, ordered some blood work, and told me to take a multivitamin every day, along with a baby aspirin and one banana. That was her advice, which I promptly ignored. Well, semi-promptly… I think I stuck to it for a week.
And now I’m going back. To a different doctor, though. Ol’ doc Dot didn’t give me that warm and fuzzy feeling of competence. Ya know? I probably misread her, but I didn’t feel like I was in the best of hands. So, I chose a new doctor, and we’ll see what happens. If they twist a telescope into my ass, I’m going to be pissed.
During that last checkup there was a college girl “observing.” I was asked if I had a problem with it, but she was standing right there. I felt social pressure to say it was cool, and did. I was stripped down to my t-shirt and boxer briefs, and had sweat rolling down the center of my back. It was bad enough that I was in a doctor’s office, which stresses me out, but now they’re bringing in 14 year old cheerleaders to watch? Simply fantastic.
Dot had me lie on my back, lifted my shirt off my great belly, and began pressing all around my stomach area. I was terrified she might hit a sweet spot, and cause me to part the med student’s hair with a rectal blast. I was so clinched-up, I don’t think my sphincter released until sometime the next day.
My new appointment isn’t until the middle of April, and I’ll think about it with great dread every single day between now and then. Oh, you can bank on it. Every. Single. Day.
A couple of weeks ago I asked you guys about your favorite Girl Scout cookies, and today (driven by my mood), I’d like to take it in the opposite direction. In the comments section, please tell us about your LEAST favorite kinds of cookie. It doesn’t have to be Girl Scout, it can be Hydrox – the OREO knockoff – or whatever you’d like to share.
If you can’t think of any bad cookies, then tell us about the nasty ice cream or candy you’ve encountered. It’s all good.
And I’ll be back soon, boys and girls. I’m putting up the Buy Jeff a Beer link below, in case you’re interested in contributing to that most worthy of causes. Sweet sainted mother of Yahoo Serious! It’s much appreciated.
Have a great day.
Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer. He requires a beer.
Numero uno.
Don’t much care for those Grasshopper cookies or Thin Mints
Hydrox came before oreo.
Just eat your applesauce and STFU! lol!
I agree. Probably owns a betamax.
Jeff you’re getting old enough you should probably consider getting the butt telescope dealy done. No, I’m not really concerned for your health, I just want to read the update after you have it done.
The fish sandwich I had for lunch at a local sports bar today wasn’t worth a fuck.
I never liked those cookies that folks bake that have a Hershey’s Kiss smooshed into the center of them. C’mon, cookie or Kiss, not both.
The people that annoy me lately are those that remind everyone, using a condescending tone, that my problems are a “first world issue”. That ‘s correct, I live in a first world country. I have running water, heat and a car. I expect them all to work as they should and I get pissy when they don’t.
I like pretty much any cookie. I also have gotten the “your fat” lecture from my Dr. My issue isn’t really high blood pressure, but I have the knees of a 70 year old and I’m only 34.
I haven’t met a cookie yet that I don’t like… I had my butt probed not to long ago and it was nothing. They put you out and when you wake up they WANT you to fart.. Whee I did well on that part. The sucky part of it was the prep work. Talk about lift off…
Those awful “I-really-wanted-to-be-an-oreo” yellow cookies with the white filling that my grandmother always had in her cookie jar, for months. When I was little, I would take one because there was no other cookie around (nor would there be) and make the best of it, usually eating the filling and throwing out the rest.
Oatmeal Raisin. Fuck you raisin. You damn chocolate chip impostor. Also that shit cookie they give you on Delta that they think is the shit. Fuck you delta cookie. Those italian wedding cookies or whatever ther’e called. They are why you don’t find white dog poop anymore.
And Cookie from One Crazy Summer you manipulative bitch.
Top ten, baby!
Happy Friday, Surfers!
Do Fig Newtons count as cookies? I want them banished from the planet.
Not according to the Newton people: “A cookie is just a cookie, but a Newton is fruit and cake.”
They neglect to mention the wasp wings and eggs in there…the shit that “crunches” and shouldn’t inside of a soft figgy cookie. Fuck that.
Damn, I was in the top ten when I hit the comment button.
I don’t get the big attraction with macaroons. They have ENTIRE STORES that sell only macaroons. In bright colors that aren’t found in nature. Plus, they’re difficult to make (I tried when a friend requested a batch for her birthday).
Fuck macaroons.
Mooooooon riiiiverrrrrr….
Off topic but Go Bearcats!
Oreos came before the Euro
Those big brown cookies that look like an old Dutch windmill. Do they still make ’em? Maple or something. My grandmother always had a tin-full. Horrible. Treat at gramma’s: windmill cookie and glass of buttermilk. Great. Just great.
i thought my great aunt clella was the only person with that disgusting combo
who the hell eats maple shit
and buttermilk is the most vile semifluid thing ever
i was 16 and just mowed her yard, for free, said i needed a treat because hot day
took big swig, gagged
auntie decided i had heat stroak
dad laughing his butt off, but the look i got was ,”shut up and drink.”
on way home he told me they way to do that was hold breath and chug fast
wish had that bit of info before
Is Divinity a cookie? That shit sucks.
I believe Divinity is a stripper.
jtb
Divinity “candy” is allegedly a type of fudge. It’s moody, impossible to make and tastes disgusting.
I second the Suck on that one.
jtb – Thanks for the spit-take.
I know her! I know her!
Oreos came before the Volkswagon Beetle
Just yesterday I mistakenly bought a bag of knock off Swedish Fish, They sucked haystacks.
This is the year I go for the anal probe. Gonna love that rancid armpit chicken broth the day before. I’ll just drink water.
Jeff, DEMAND they take your blood pressure twice. A lot of people are very uptight going to the doctor and the first reading can be off the chart. Make them take another one.
Skinny people ordering fruit or a salad in a fast food restaurant should be squashed in the garbage disposal. I may as well waltz into a vegan restaurant searching for a bacon cheeseburger.
Load up on white castles, make it look like an episode of dirty jobs in there.
Were they called Finnish Swedes?
This is the year for the probing for me (turning…jeez…50) but I have not yet made an appointment because I am not yet 50. As though magical things are protecting me until I am 50. Yes, I realize how silly that train of thought is.
Probably also need BP meds, as since my mid-30’s it’s been creeping up. This is why I avoid going to the doctor mostly. Again, this will be ‘the year’ to get the tune-ups done. Some probing, some smooshing, some eating pride, oh it’s all in there.
stale cookies suck. and Italian cookies. Jeepers – not everything needs to taste of almond, people!
Friday afternoon update: currently sipping a lovely glass of bourbon to start off Friday evening. It’s lovely, and likely doing NOTHING for my blood pressure.
3 hours till bourbon time.
Actually whiskey, one bar has $2 jameson shots and another has $5.50 jameson slightly bigger shots.
Tiff, I am searching for 1950’s attire so that we can celebrate your day in style. 🙂
I like to eat half a cup of applesauce and freeze the other half for my beagle.
Can’t think of a bad cookie, can name a bad brand of ice cream – Mega; luckily it seems to not exist anymore but it tasted like plastic.
I think at some point, I’d be tempted to say to the doctor (when asked if I mind if the college girl could observe) – “Just as long as I get to observe when you examine HER.” And if they insist that you be ‘qualified’, just tell them “Well I’m not a doctor, but I did play one in my neighborhood.”
And then fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.
Fuck ’em anyway. As George Carlin described them: “nothing but guesswork dressed up in a white coat” (or something like that).
You’re doin’ fine, Jim!
Just had my 50yr anal probe last week. I was able to put off the wife and doctor for almost 2 years before submitting. I was able to power drink the salt-o-prep (thank you beer chugging past) and survived the intestinal river rapids that followed. The procedure was a breeze although I had high hopes for propofol or fentanyl and all I got was Demerol and versed. Thanks to a handful of polyps I have to repeat in 5 years instead of 10 years. Worst part was being wheeled into the procedure and being recognized by the 2 nurses I used to work with.
I hate any cookie that takes more than an hour (start to finish) to make. This includes refrigeration time.
I don’t usually buy cookies, unless it’s to stuff into the middle of another baked good. [Oreo Stuffed Chocolate Chip Cookies come to mind.]
I’m a “stress” baker.
Just in case you are going to get the finger wave loosen up first by practicing with a banana.
Try buying any cookie in the UK (or England, or Britain or whatever they want to be called) Every Single One of them is made without sugar and tastes like something you’d give a teething baby.
That’s why they call em biscuits over there. There’s nothing cookie about em.
I’ve never been much of a dessert guy, but my Special Nemesis Cookie is any member of the “large piece(s) of commercial candy stuck to it” class. Kisses, M+Ms, whatever; they don’t belong on cookies.
Jeff, go ahead and get the anal probe when they tell you to. I had mine a few months ago, and it helped clear up some… ah, issues. The procedure is nothing, but the prep sucks balls.
.
Not a fan of the Samoian Girl Scout Cookies; just too much going on there.
Maybe the girl that watched last time during your physical is finally out of med school and she can perform the probing and testing.
No anal probing for me. Anyone trying to stick something up my ass is either from Arcturus or just did a Hamilton at Rahway. Besides, with the way my luck has been going it would look like I was growing coral up in there or just swallowed the gf’s Troll Bead bracelet.
Not a fan of any cookie with raisins. FYI, Dollar General sells a cookie called Mint Thins that are a reasonable facsimile of GS Thin Mints.
You’re pushin fiddy? Don’t worry, the telescope’s coming soon enough.
Fig Newtons! Can’t stand those damn things! It’s pissing me off just thinking about ’em! lol
Later, y’all.
$220 for front brakes on a Camry? That’s as high as giraffe pussy. Get a shop manual and a socket set man.
Josh, do you want the updates to stop?
Seriously. We have to keep our priorities in mind. Then again, changing brake pads is one of the easiest car repair jobs there is. I’ll be doing brakes on my 12-year-old Audi tomorrow. Maybe I’ll change my tune by the time it’s done; this will be the first time I’ve done pads on a post-1990 car.
.
Newer cars use brake tampons.
Shit. I already bought the pads. Hopefully it won’t notice.
.
I’ve been on high blood pressure medicine for a while now. If they give you Toprol, take it at night (or whenever your bedtime is). It makes me soooo sleepy. But, my BP looks good. 🙂
Wouldnt have high bp if you would just “relax” at work.
Cookies?
My mother is the best cookie baker on earth. She makes the Original Tollhouse Cookies with real butter, oatmeal/raisin, and the Italian Almond Biscotti, and pizzelle every time we visit.
In a former life, I was a fat-ass. I now weigh about 170 and she thinks I am too thin. I was not trying to lose 50 pounds on purpose, but the Marlboro’s and drinking my dinner 4 nights per week is beginning to take it’s toll.
Can’t stop eating those cookies when I am there. They go great with half a gallon of my dad’s home-made red wine. (Code for moonshine with red food coloring.)
That woman can cook, and my dad is an excellent wine maker.
I can envision the headline in the Scranton Scrotum:
DINER KILLED FOR EATING FOLDED SLICE OF PIZZA – Local writer in custody.
I found a great doctor about 10 years ago and would never change even if he was not in network. He gave me the big talk about weight, bp etc last year and I’ve finally taken it to heart. I’d like to make it at least 20 more years.
Had the colon camera exam last month and I agree that the prep was the only pain in the ass. I had my annual physical last week. Included a prostate exam, which also was no big deal, it was the wiping all the lube from your ass with the Dr. standing there waiting that was uncomfortable.
Pepper cookies. WTF?!
oh, Jeff. excellent reporting. Laughed myself into a coughing fit. Damn cold. Got rid of some of this nasty ass phlegm, tho. (who else hates that word?)
Alice…
If there is phlegm in your ass I think you might be inhaling too deeply.
Just trying to help.
best…John
You know how on the internet, when something brings a slight smirk to your face, you type LOL, but you really didn’t? I actually LOL’d and almost snarfed some cake up my nose going outbound. Good times. Thanks John.
I think that bucket of sweet tea just did me in for the day.
Had the colonoscopy a few months back. Agree the prep was the worst part. Last thing I remember was repeating to the nurse the Rodney Dangerfield line before going in for heart surgery “if it goes well I’ll be out in 4 hours, if not I’ll be out in 45 minutes”. Vague recollection of something being yanked from my ass, then being told to fart. Not so bad.
Scariest part was the interview with the nurse prior to the procedure. She tells me that they will spray something into my throat to numb it before the insertion. WTF I said. “Oh sorry, you’re hear for a colonoscopy. We wont be doing after that after all.”
So why don’t they spray something in your ass?
To me that whole business is kind of a private matter. But it’s not that way too much I guess. I always figured if something was going up there in me…I’d be wearing fishnets and watching a “Liza Live” DVD with Joel Grey prancing about. A really good quality old fashioned 714 is what I would require to be agreeable to such a thing. I parked my truck in El Paso last night next to this 48 footer, tanker that was hauling…Nitrous Oxide. Melt my nose and shove something up my ass……..I’m yours.
Not much of a cookie guy. Never buy them, never have them around. If I did I’d probably like Applesauce Cookies.
Worst cookie? Probably Oreos. I was desperate one day and needed something sweet from the junk machine. Instead of getting a Hostess Apple Pie like I should’ve, (or at least some Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies, I push the wrong damn buttons and get Oreos instead. They still taste like lard and sugar. Nasty, vile things!
About high blood pressure–all that shit about it being silent is a damn lie. You know it’s there–your head hurts like hell when it’s hot, you’re puking all the damn time…I swear the summer of 2005 was not a good one. As for medicine, Toprol XL was a bitch…make sure not to cough or sneeze too hard, something might be a-comin’ out the back way….
Change the “buy Jeff a Beer” link to “Buy Jeff a baby aspirin and his monthly Metoprolol (blood pressure) and Lipitor meds”.
Jeff, I’ve been reading your page and enjoying it for many years and it seems like eating at chain resturants and scarfing down burgers and fries is your main hobby..along with drinking beer. That, coupled with no exercise and being 50, will plant you in the ground before you are 60. Your substantial bulk and high BP is the result. It seems like it’s time to cut your food consumption in half and your beer consumption down to a couple a week…not a few a day.
Writing about your eating habits makes for funny, entertaining reading. Reading your obituary will suck if you don’t get healthy.
Late to the ol’party again.
I’m not a big sweet eater, gimme salt. Great for the blood pressure as I approach the big 5-0. But in the “makes me gag” department, I have to say oatmeal raisin, fig newtons, lady locks and most grocery store “bakery” cookies.
We have plastic surgery residents who rotate every 4 months come in and follow the doc around. Since we’re a teaching hospital, they all come through here. They follow him into the exam rooms for cosmetic consults. And what not. Usually he will ask patient’s if they mind. You can usually tell the timid/nervous patients right off the bat. Especially if it’s breast or hoo-hoo oriented.
When I was a kid we were dirt poor, so instead of getting Chips Ahoy or Nutter Butters like I really wanted, when my Mom bought cookies she usually bought the cheapest, rankest cookie she could find. Special love goes out to the cheap cookies that Winn Dixie sold called Big 60’s, which were Oreo knockoffs that tasted like cardboard and came packaged 60 to the pack. Pure sadness in cellophane. If the government gave out free cookies to go along with the welfare cheese, this is what they would taste like.