Jeff

We’re heading down there on Sunday. I haven’t set foot in that state since I was a young teen, I think. A long time ago. But our family used to vacation there occasionally. I spent some time in Daytona, have been to Disney World, visited Fort Lauderdale and Miami and Key West. Other places too… a long time ago. This trip is going to focus on the Tampa/St. Petersburg area. My parents are down there, and we’re going to visit with them and explore a bit. It’ll be nice to get away from the daily soul-crushing grind, as well as the ice and cold.

Do you have any kind of relationship with the state of Florida? It definitely seems to leave an impression, heh. Both good and bad. I’d like to read yours, maybe while on the plane? Please tell us about it in the comments section.

I shared my limited Florida memories in the latest episode of the podcast, which you can play here:

And I apologize for this brief update, but I need to go to work. I’ll be working almost up to the moment we leave. Oh, it’s quite a life I’ve carved out for myself. All this and the baseball situation! Grrr… I was hoping to take in a Spring Training game down there, the teams involved would’ve been irrelevant. Bastards.

Anyway, before I go, I’d also like to invite you to check out the latest No New Jeffs column, right here. It’s a monthly column I’m writing at Substack about some aspect of aging. There’s a new one on the first day of every month.

Please share whatever memories you have of Florida, if you’re so inclined. And I’ll see you guys when we return.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

Hello Surf Reporters! I know I’ve been gone for far too long, and apologize for that. I could attempt an excuse, but won’t bother. Even if there’s truth in it, it’s still an excuse. And people don’t care for that. Right? Right. Today I thought I’d power through some random notes from the ol’ battered notebook of stupidity and bad ideas. So, let’s get to it, shall we?

— Are you familiar with the behemoth pictured above? If you worked in a record store during the 1980s or earlier you undoubtedly know exactly what it is, and probably experienced a full-body shiver at the mere sight of it. It was called the Phonolog, and featured all sorts of information about LPs, CDs, cassettes, etc. You could check it to see if something was still in print, for instance. And it had the label name and catalog number, in case you needed to place a special order. It was basically the authoritative reference tool for music retailers during the pre-computer era.

The problem? It had to be updated constantly. The store would pay a subscription fee to Phonolog, and they mailed updated pages rapid-fire. Every day, it seemed, we’d get another packet from them, and they would be tossed into a wire basket until someone was forced to deal with them. It would be pages 647 through 671 or whatever. Or sometimes just page 421. And you had to break that bastard down to swap out sections. It was quite an ordeal. “Jeff, can you update the Phonolog tonight?” was one of the most-feared sentences in the English language for a few years. No! Please God, no!! Anything but that!

Another thing I hated about it, was trying to track down a specific jazz or classical album that someone wanted, as they stood beside me waiting. I know very little about those genres of music, so it was like I’d entered a hall of mirrors. Just a complete overload of information… none of it making any sense to me. I might as well have been staring at the Arabic section of a food processor owner’s manual. Using that big-ass thing was almost as bad as being cornered by a woman in legwarmers who hosts an aerobics class, seeking new songs with specific beats per minute. Arrrgh!

Anyway, the Phonolog is further evidence that I’ve lived in two distinctly different worlds. Can you even imagine such a thing in 2022? Today there would be no record stores, of course, but if there were the person would just tap the screen of an iPad attached to their left hand and have the info in three seconds. You wouldn’t have a hundred pound book in the middle of the floor that is outdated every four or five hours. Ludicrous.

— Speaking of music, I got some possibly exciting news yesterday. I’m always listening to the Beatles Channel on SiriusXM, which is great. Whoever runs that thing does a fantastic job. Among the regular features there is something called My Fab 4. Listeners are allowed to pick four Beatles songs that they especially like and tell a brief story about each, explaining why it’s important to them. I hear it from time to time, and some of them are really good. Others… not so much. But I filled out an application a few months ago, and yesterday received an email from a guy at SiriusXM. He said I’d been selected to record a My Fab 4, and sent me a loose script I need to follow. I have to keep referring to myself as “Beatles fan Jeff,” which is borderline douchey. But the script is very open-ended. There’s plenty of opportunity to put my own stamp on it, so to speak. I just have to keep announcing the names of the songs, can’t use my last name, and repeat “the Beatles Channel on SiriusXM” at specific spots in the recording. I have about two weeks to send it in. I’ll keep you guys updated. I guess there’s a chance they won’t like it for some reason, and it’ll never air. But I’ll let everyone know if it does.

— And speaking of the Beatles, Surf Reporter Joe T. posted this article today on Facebook. It’s from two days after their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. He said it reminded him of the comments in his feed about this year’s Super Bowl halftime. Ha! That sounds right. I’d never seen that article before, and it’s outrageous. They all look like Moe?! He’s got a lot of nerve. Look at that guy’s photo! He has a stick jammed so far up his ass… Here are some more reactions to that 1964 program. The phrase “wrong side of history” jumps to mind.

— We purchased a really nice treadmill recently, after a couple of YEARS of hemming and hawing. We sprang for the “white glove” delivery, which means they delivered it, put it together, and removed the trash. Just the way I like it. I’ve used it several times since Saturday, and it’s great. It feels solid as a rock, and it’s huge. Very similar to the treadmills at Planet Fitness. I’m loving it so far. I put on some headphones and listen to podcasts or music, and it clears my head and lowers my level of bitterness and anxiety. Today, in case you’re keeping score at home, I listened to NRBQ At Yankee Stadium. One of my all-time favorites. And it got my Log Cabin syrup blood a-pumpin’ a bit, and my big beleaguered heart a-movin’. It’s good stuff. I’m happy with it so far.

I better go now. I need to be at work 38 minutes ago. I don’t think I’m going to make it.

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

Before we get started… I’m still semi-skeptical about it, but I tested positive for Covid on Tuesday. The good news? It hasn’t been bad at all, and at this point I’m close to 100% back to “normal.” I tell the whole story in the latest episode of the podcast, if you’re interested. Worth noting is that Producer Zipp, who helps me with the show, also has the virus. And Ian from Scotland, who called into the hotline and is featured in the episode, was also diagnosed with Covid this week. I just found out about Ian today. So, all three of us at the same time! Crazy.

Anyway, today I thought I’d share five videos I watched and enjoyed this week. I almost never share videos, because the engagement is always next-to-nothing. But I’m going to roll the dice on it today, and see what happens. These are bits of insanity I happened across during my quarantine. Don’t worry, they’re all brief and worth it. Let’s get to it, shall we?

This tenured professor in Michigan went rogue in a recent online class. Check it out. The guy is running wide open, and “on leave” as a result.

As this tweet mentions, someone is having a tough day on Beech Mountain. Can’t they just move the poor bastard forward a few feet? Good Lord.

Tough time for the people at Beech Mountain today. ? pic.twitter.com/fg671LruRn

— Trey Shirley (@TreyShirley831) January 8, 2022

This is supposedly the head of the Birds Aren’t Real movement, being interviewed on a morning show in Chicago. He’s apparently a bit nervous. Crank it up!

@birdsarentrealThe worst morning of my life. I am so sorry. ##BirdsArentReal ##GonnaDoBetter ##IPromise? original sound – Birds Aren’t Real

Dude owns a small gas station and convenience store in Pittsburgh where people continuously crash their cars. He says nothing is ever done about it, so he installed a camera and turned the footage over to a local news station. The shit is wild.

And finally, here’s yet another post-wisdom teeth extraction video. The thought of it is terrifying to me. They just say whatever pops into their heads. I can’t have that. You talk about opening Pandora’s Box! I’d have to call my friend Bill from West Virginia to pick me up. He might be the only person who would understand. Anything else could be catastrophic.

Have a great day, my friends!

I’ll see you again soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

Sadly, I have not. I’ve been scared plenty of times, because I’m kind of a pussy, but have never experienced anything unexplainable.

Toney tells a story from when she was young and the entire family briefly moved to a farmhouse in Montana (I think). Please keep in mind that her mother is fully insane, and it’s hard to know why, exactly, they moved there. Toney says it was for a very short amount of time, maybe a month or less. And one night she woke up and saw an old woman, dressed like people in old photographs, ironing clothes. This scared her, of course, and she just pretended to be asleep. The next morning someone else in the family (can’t remember who) mentioned a weird dream they’d had about the same woman.

I have nothing like this. I do have a memory of a loud and brash woman wearing an outlandish hat, and over-the-top lipstick. I’ve asked my mother about it, but she has no idea what I’m talking about. I don’t have any reason to believe the woman was a ghost, but she’s mysterious. I have snippets of random memories from when I was very young, and that was one of them. There’s another when a little girl and I were drawing on a sidewalk with chalk, and some angry woman yelled at us for it. My mother remembers that episode, and finds it hard to believe I can remember it, because I was so young. But it’s not a story anyone had ever told. Why would they? As stories go, that one is pretty lame.

But I’ve never seen a ghost or a UFO or a bigfoot, or anything of the sort. I feel kinda left out, if you want to know the truth. I monkeyed around with a Ouija board as a kid, but apparently was unsuccessful in opening a portal to the other side. I think we tried to contact Babe Ruth but he was apparently too busy whoring, drinking and eating an inordinate number of hotdogs in the afterlife to waste time talking to a group of hillbilly children.

What do you have on this one? Anything? And if you’re like me, and gots nothing, please share your earliest memory. My mother’s mind was blown by mine.

Some random notes before I call it a day here:

• On January 1 I posted a second column at nonewjeffs.substack.com. I got it in my head that I wanted to try writing a regular humor column about aging. At first I thought I’d do it weekly, but realized I was setting myself up for failure. So… I’m doing it monthly. The first day of every month I’ll post a new column at the Substack page. I wanted something separate from the Surf Report, so it’s focused and specifically about some aspect of aging and nothing else. Here’s some additional info. Check it out if you’re interested. You can sign up to receive the columns via email, or just visit the site every month. Or you can just ignore it altogether. It’s completely up to you, needless to say.
• Would you watch a two-hour documentary about a band you know almost nothing about? I did, over the weekend, and it was great. I knew of the existence and apparent importance of Radio Birdman, from Australia, but wasn’t super-familiar with their music. I might’ve encountered a song here and there on compilations, but never owned any actual albums. But I’m a sucker for a good music documentary, and theirs was always appearing on lists of the best. It’s called Descent Into The Maelstrom, and features all living members interviewed separately. Fantastic! Not all of them like each other at this point, but they all participated. It’s a great movie, and I’ve been listening to their music at Spotify ever since I saw it. I think I’m going to watch it again, maybe tonight.
• And by the way… I watched it on the Night Flight streaming service. If you’re into the offbeat and strange, you’ll probably enjoy it. It’s relatively inexpensive too. They have a fantastic collection of 1980s low-budget slasher films, for instance. And all sorts of unusual things, like the Radio Birdman documentary. I love it. I’ve got the younger youngling hooked on it too.
• Apparently all four of us are going to make a quickie visit to the Tampa area in early March. This is pretty much a definite, not one of our patented half-assed ideas that never actually come to fruition. My parents are down there, and we want to visit them in Florida. It’s something we’ve talked about doing for years, and never got around to following through on. We also want to scout that area as a possible “retirement” locale. I put it in quotes because I’ll believe it when I see it. But Toney does a lot o’ research and is currently zeroed in on that part of the country. Any thoughts on Tampa and surrounding towns? Please share.
• Producer Zipp, who edits my podcast etc., also co-hosts the No Redeeming Qualities podcast. Through the years they’ve had songs created for the show, and have now compiled some of them into a great full-length album. Check it out here. Or listen to the whole thing via YouTube. Give it a shot! There’s some fun and eclectic stuff included. I think you’ll enjoy it. Check out the podcast too. It’s genuinely funny.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends. I’m off from work today, and am going out shortly for a Dairy Queen burger & fries, followed by calendar shopping. Oh, I take that shit seriously. I need three of them, and they have to be the RIGHT ones. Not just some boring collection of sunrise photos, or whatever. I have to pencil in several hours for this project, and today’s the day. I always wait until right after January 1, ’cause the selection is still pretty good and the prices have been slashed. I know what I’m doing…

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

This is bullshit already. I’m starting to get this crap from every direction. At some point I’m just going to throw in the towel and embrace it. But not yet. It’s still new enough to piss me off and ruin my day. Everybody tells me not to worry about it and “just enjoy the discount.” I think that’s the exact wrong advice. Once you stop being offended it’s over. At some point my parents surrendered to it, but they fought valiantly for years. They didn’t just roll over at the first sign of trouble and start adding up their 40 cent discounts. No, “don’t worry about it” is horseshit. And Sue can pack it.

Also, check this out. This is the person Great Clips has on their website representing a senior citizen. Look at that guy! He makes my blood boil. Can’t you just see him at the block party talking about his investments, European golf vacations and extreme home improvements? And anyway, below is what people in their 20s actually see when they encounter anyone over the age of 45. Not Mr. Jauntily Glancing Over His Shoulder Douchebuckle Jones. Man, I’m getting all fired up.

As you might be able to tell, I’m working through some things. Heh. As mentioned last time, I’m now publishing a monthly column about various aspects of aging, from my particular point of view. Check it out at Substack. You can subscribe to receive each new column in your email, just visit the site every month, or ignore the whole thing altogether. It’s up to you. …Senior Haircut! Boy, that really smokes my halibut.

— Check out these photos taken by a dude with a cell phone, following the recent tornado devastation in Kentucky. That top one inside the theater, with the screen gone, is one of the best photographs I’ve seen in a while. That is amazing. Unforgettable, really.

I’m fairly terrified of tornadoes, always have been. I was in some kind of storm as a youngling, at Pirateland Campground in Myrtle Beach, where some campers were turned over and awnings were ripped clean off others, and sent sailing deep into North Carolina or somesuch. Scary! And when I was 9 the city of Xenia, Ohio was basically wiped off the map. It was in the news for days, and nobody could stop talking about it. All of that adds up to a deep-seated possibly irrational fear. Do you have anything like that?

— Have you read Larry David’s new piece about Christmas? Check it out. Man, that guy’s grumpier and more curmudgeonly than I am. Love it! I laughed out loud at the part about buying gifts (never without resentment). Hilarious. Reminds me of this all-time classic of misanthropy and bitterness. It’s one of the funniest books ever.

— Here’s a holiday classic from the Surf Report archives. The Terrifying Twenty: Santa Edition!

— And here are some photos I took while visiting the Christmas Story house in Cleveland a few years ago. This is a then and now comparison. To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t recommend a pilgrimage to that place. It takes roughly seven minutes to tour the house, and the neighborhood is shabby and fairly run down. There’s a big-ass gift shop though, if you’re into that kind of thing. Steve bought a full-sized leg lamp for something like $200. I think I purchased a postcard. Have you been there? What did you think?

I need to call it day, my friends. I hope you guys have a wonderful holiday. I’m just looking to get it into the rearview mirror, and push on toward Spring Training (if there is such a thing this year). In any case, I hope it’s pleasant for all of us.

I’ll see you again soon!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!