This might come as a shock to a few of you, but I sometimes find myself in a state of agitation.
Stupidity is often the trigger, but there’s not much we can do about it. There’s no antidote for dumbass. It’s been around forever, and is clearly flourishing in modern society. The problem? Idiots are usually the most aggressive and confrontational people around. I guess the theory is that being a colossal asshole diverts everyone’s attention away from the fact they’re really just cannonball-dumb. It doesn’t work, but they’re too stupid to know.
A more egregious violation of the code is people who are oblivious to everything that’s going on around them. There’s not an ounce of consideration for the rest of us. This includes people who stand in front of the ATM and study their receipts before getting their bolt-of-denim asses out of our way. Or folks who get all the way over into the left lane of the interstate and drive at 60 mph.
In most cases, I don’t think those people are being jerks on purpose. I believe they’re just off in their own world, not thinking about us. And that’s a problem. It’s worse than dumb, because it’s a choice. Being gravel-stupid is something that’s probably been passed down from generation to generation. But head-up-the-assism is correctable.
I am always aware of the people around me, and never want to complicate their lives. When I get to the fast food counter I always have my order chambered, and my cash or bank card in-hand. When I’m finished ordering, I move out of the way and make room for the next guy. When I’m buying gas I pump it as quickly as possible, and move on. I’ve seen people pump their gas, and go into the store without first moving their car. That’s a dick move, and is something I would NEVER do.
So yeah, those people infuriate me. But most of the time I don’t think they’re being purposely malicious. They certainly don’t get a pass, but you have to take intention into account.
In a whole different category is our Asshole of the Week: people who leave their fast food trash on the table, and strut on out the door. That’s assholery in its purest form. There’s arrogance involved, lack of consideration, and bald-faced maliciousness. Usually there are also some white trash elements at play, often coupled with ludicrous headwear and aggressive piercings. And sometimes a rambunctious hicklet child, invariably named Colt.
And who are they hurting by their little act of trailer park defiance? Some zit-spangled schlub in a paper hat, that’s who. Bravo! Well-done, my man. You showed the universe who’s boss. You left your dollar menu garbage for some teenager to clean up, at the Kingston Wendy’s! You’re a regular Richard Branson.
Yes, there’s not a hell hot enough for those people, and they’re our Asshole of the Week. I’m always open to suggestions for future installments. Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
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That goes along with my college-kids-who-throw-thrash out of their cars rants. While parked on a neighborhood street – that is.
Ew what is with that picture at the bottom? Is that for real?!
Hey, somebody has to keep the floors shiny at the new Scratch ‘N Sniff exhibit.
It’s gone now lol.
I’d nominate the person who, while waiting at a red light, decides, “Hey, this is a perfect time and place for me to empty my car’s ashtray!”
I HATE THAT. or in the supermarket parking lot.
That also ranks up there with people who spit their gum out on the ground.
Stepping in used gum on a hot day is almost as bad as stepping in dog shit.
“When I’m buying gas I pump it as quickly as possible, and move on. I’ve seen people pump their gas, and go into the store without first moving their car. ”
I can see your point if this is a ‘pay at the pump’ situation but I wouldn’t move my car if I’m going to pay for the gas I just pumped. I would think many station attendants would get quite alarmed if the car that just filled up started pulling away from the station.
But if the gas is paid for and they’re heading into the shop to do a little Christmas shopping? yup, cannonball-dumb
Ruthless Dee says
If I have to go in, I pull a few feet forward, freeing pump action for the next person.
Phil Jett says
Round these parts, I don’t know of any stations where you can pump before paying.
I look at leaving trash on tables at fast food restaurants differently.
If the staff see trash cleared they never come out from behind the counter to actually wipe down the tables from the last slob who dripped special sauce and syrup all over the place.
Also it helps create employment given someone an entry level job clearing tables wiping tables down stocking straws napkins etc. instead of one lone worker behind the counter cranking out orders never looking at the rest of the restaurant.
John Smith says
There’s a Wendy’s in Sunnyvale, CA that has an old guy standing guard near the trashcan with spray and rag at the ready. You get up, and he’s there grabbin’ and a-sprayin’.
Most likely he’s related somehow to the owner, but I’ve always wondered if he IS the owner.
Ruthless Dee says
Assholism with a prepared justification.
Miss Q says
My stand is that if you’re going to treat me like shit at the register, then I’m going to leave my trash on the table. Childish? Maybe, but it does make me feel better.
John Smith says
Someone needs a hug.
Rat Bastard says
How about asshole drivers that swing into the next lane when they are making a turn, as if they are maneuvering a goddamned tractor trailer. Those fuckers have almost taken off the side of my car quite a few times. Just as bad: the ones that come to a complete stop in moving traffic to make a relatively simple turn into a parking lot.
That just happened to me yesterday morning on the way to work. Some idiot made a WIDE right turn off Forbes Ave towards Mercy Hosp. (I say this because I know RB lives in PGH and knows the area). Forbes is a one way with two lanes wide enough for a coal truck to easily excecute a turn. This dumb fuck swerves into my lane causing me to jam my brakes and the guy behind me to do the same so he didn’t rear end me. This dipshit was in a small two door car, front seat pulled all the way back, music blaring. Acting all “gangsta”. I guess he thought that driving like that makes him look cool…not like the inconsiderate dickbeater he really is.
Rat Bastard says
Always happens to me at the bottom of Bates St turning onto 2nd when I’m heading into the Southside. The middle lane turning left always veers into the rightmost lane. Now that they have widened it, it isn’t AS bad.
How bout the women who wait til their groceries have all been tallied up, and the clerk is standing there staring at them, to start digging in their steamer trunk sized purse for the exact change.
Bill in WV says
Or worse, they pull out a friggin’ CHECKBOOK and begin to write the check. All of this shit could have been started when the checker began to tally the groceries, everything except the total of the check.
WB in OH says
and now a days the clerk can run the check through to put the total on it but usually people who still write checks don’t trust that kind of sorcery.
Another “Asshole of the Week Contender” – the fucktwaddles walking 2 feet in front of you who don’t have the goddamn common courtesy to hold the door. I don’t care if it’s man/woman, man/man, woman/woman or woman/man. It’s not a sextist thing – it’s common-frickin-courtesy.
One more AOTW Contender – any smarmy doucheketeer speaking to a foreignor in mockery and in classic put down tones. “Jose? Comprende? Speak-a the English?” when you’re standing there like the fucktard that you are playing PowerBall.
I agree with that one.
Another one – the people who walk their dogs and don’t clean up after them.
Sainted Mother of Eustace Charleston Haney, can I please unsee that gallery picture?
Let me make it a little more visually pleasing for you… Imagine if in every one of those pieces de art, there is at least one ingrown hair.
I’m usually pretty good about clearing the gas pump when I’m done with it – unless I have to go in to the store for the receipt. If that happens, I’m holding that pump hostage until the transaction is completed.
A new peeve for me, that seems to have started to become commonplace: Cashback on your credit card (debit card?) purchase at the grocery store.
Not sure why that’s a problem, except for the extra few seconds. It can be quite helpful when you’re in an unfamiliar area and don’t know where you can find an ATM that won’t hit you with extra fees on top of your own bank’s fee for using a “foreign” ATM.
Similarly, the a-holes who leave their shopping cart (buggy) in the middle of the parking lot make me lose my mind.
I can’t stand the ones who leave their cart fully blocking the aisle while they wander 20 yards away to manhandle the produce. If I encounter an abandoned cart blocking my way like that I don’t hesitate to push it aside, not always gently.
Also in the Walmart parking lot I see empty boxes (tv, large toys…). Are these people afraid to throw the box out at home because they may get robbed of their new merchandise?
Greg in Cincinnati says
People who say “my bad” instead of excuse me or sorry.
Ruthless Dee says
For me, a close second is “sorryboutthat”.
How about “no problem” ?
What’s my beef? People (and by people I mean wimmen folk) who, while waiting for an elevator, stand six inches from the door. They are completely oblivious to the concept that there may be riders who wish to exit the elevator and can’t because they are blocking the door.
I have a fantasy where I ride the elevator in a three-point stance and blast out the door like I’m Jerry fuckin Kramer in 1966 leading the Green Bay Packer power sweep.
Phil Jett says
I always think I’m Fuzzy Thurston.
It’s called Subway Etiquette – you “let em off” before you pile in. Also you’re more likely to get a seat.
My nomination for AOTW is the couple at the airport rental car counter that takes 1/2 hour trying to decide what model and color of car they want, and then intently listen to the endless sales pitch from the agent about insurance, GPS, prepaid gas, prepaid toll, etc. etc. Just give them your drivers license and credit card and tell them you decline all options! Done in less than 5 minutes!
Many moons ago when I worked at Dairy Queen, I recall a woman and her hicklets just dumping assloads of ketchup laden trash out of their car windows. Bad enough, but then they WALKED INTO the store to order MORE FOOD! You just passed two trashcans! And you were in front of the window!! We just saw you!!!
My boss told us not to sell them anything. (Of course, the store closed about a month later, so…)
Fast food patrons are fonts of fucktardery. How you can get a weird sense of entitlement whilst scarfing down “food” is beyond me.
People who park in the Fire Lane when there’s a parking space 40 feet away. What if we ALL did that, asshole? Just dumped our cars outside the store rather than parking them properly like civilized members of society?
Or people that park in Handicap because they’ll only be a minute.
Anyone who passes 40 parking spaces to get closer to the store andf then has to double back. If you see a space, take a space.
The people who don’t take the pump that is next in line so someone has to actually parallel park to get to the middle one.
Anyone who throws trash out their car window, including cigarette butts. That is still litter.
People in PA who stop at the end of the on-ramp instead of just smoothly merging with traffic.
The douche getting off the highway who has to cut in front of me getting on the highway. Hey asshole you’ll be slowing down in 3 seconds while I’m trying to speed up. We can form a symbiotic relationship!
I once saw a kid who works at steak and shake arrive for his shift and sit down at a table and put his shoes on the fucking table. It bugged me so much I told the manager.
John Smith says
Two or more fat people walking side by side at the mall/WalMart/grocery/etc, with those flabby stumps of arms resting on their girth and sticking straight out adding another foot or so to their swath.
And the opposite political party.
And office mates who slurp or clip their nails
And people who think their cellphone is more important than my life when they’re behind the wheel.
And those little people who live in my house and think they own the TV.
I had to be trained not to throw my own trash away when I was in Istanbul.
There was a KFC around the corner from where I was staying. When I was done eating the first time I went there I walked around the floor with my garbage looking for a trash can.
Eventually one of the workers came out and started chewing my ass in a broken line of English with a lot of Turkish mixed in.
It seems as though it’s a no-no in Turkey to try to throw away your own garbage at any restaurant.
Perhaps you just found the remnants of a Turks first experience at an American fast food joint.