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Ask Your Doctor If Surfitol Is Right For You

October 30, 2011 By Jeff 70 Comments

Reported Risk Information: Serious side effects may occur in people who take SURFITOL, including:

Partially detached heart, complete loss of skin, sudden change in sexual preference, teeth like the top of a castle, wiping compulsion, carnival barker disease, deep-staining toner farts, tongue the size of a Hi-C can, jelly bones, thick piss, Krispy Kreme lips, sleep yodeling, religious enthusiasm, Old Eskimo Syndrome, just one giant turd per week,  loss of native language (with or without Mandarin Chinese replacement), cherry tomato dick, consumption, tea pitcher mouth, uncontrollable operatic flourishes, anus-on-a-rope, sudden propensity for folksy sayings such as “that dog won’t hunt,” everything tastes like shampoo, Tic Tac teeth, body odor that no commercial product can touch, jazz hands, power of the Firestarter, dropsy, scarlatina, thrush, political activism, random scabbing, “Thank you, thank you very much” like Elvis, fast-growing pubic hair that can fill a room (or, if left unchecked, an auditorium), X-ray vision, fizzy blood, sweet potato arm, random out-of-context racial slurs, and drowsiness.

If you have experienced other side effects while using SURFITOL, we ask that you report them in the comments section below.

Please also note:  If suicide occurs, please stop taking this drug immediately.

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Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Brianf says

    October 30, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    First again

    Reply
  2. dto says

    October 30, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Urge to wear shoes on the wrong foot. Wearing elk urine out of hunting season. Always want to try someone else’s glasses on. Making a face like your mouth is full of dried oatmeal before you talk.

    Reply
  3. Jason says

    October 30, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    I suddenly became an expert piccolo player, but I wouldn’t consider this a negative side effect. I also refuse to eat anything except crutons, also not really a bad thing. I’ve become obsessed with turnips – not eating them, mind you – just obsessed with obtaining as many as possible. Again, I don’t see how this could be considered a bad thing.

    Reply
  4. NDfaninAZ says

    October 30, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    I grew an extra nipple. On the bottom of my foot.

    Reply
  5. T Farty McAppleass says

    October 30, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    My mouth keeps filling up with some kind of mayonnaise type substance. I keep having to spit it out. I don’t know how I’ll sleep because I’m afraid I will choke on the mayo. My joint pain is nearly gone though.

    Reply
  6. Gretchen says

    October 30, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    So THAT’S where my anus-on-a-rope came from! Still waiting for Firestarter powers though.

    Other side effects:
    -indefatigable urge to French kiss marmots
    -desire to Silly Walk in church
    -novelty mailbox humping
    -wonky eye

    Reply
    • Gretchen says

      October 30, 2011 at 6:14 pm

      Oh, and “horsehair pubes”. That’s quite unpleasant.

      Reply
  7. chill says

    October 30, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    I stopped taking Surfitol when it gave me Rutabaga Scrotum. Now I’m on Fukitol – much better.
    .

    Reply
    • Gretchen says

      October 30, 2011 at 7:28 pm

      Mmmm, loves me some Fukitol.

      Reply
    • icecycle66 says

      October 31, 2011 at 10:43 am

      I’ve been taking Fukitol since it was in trial stages.

      Reply
    • CADude says

      October 31, 2011 at 3:42 pm

      I started self-administering Fukitol when I was about 12.

      Reply
  8. Shiny Rod says

    October 30, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    What, no lawyer mice type?

    Reply
  9. Al says

    October 30, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    what? no uncontrollable knukle shuffle?

    Reply
  10. dto says

    October 30, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    I know a girl who takes Dicalot. Sometimes three or four times a day. Must t be habit forming I guess.

    Reply
  11. dto says

    October 30, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    I was in a Surfitol test group back in the sixties. I had the placiebo. The Manson family didn’t.

    Reply
  12. doctorright says

    October 30, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    Surfitol. An American nightmare.

    Carbuncles, genital retraction syndrome, distended toe knuckles, kingfish proxy, underpenis rosacea, punter’s virus, Paul Stanley Banter, intentional irretardation, male supermonspubis, vindictive skankitosis, fuzzy palms, fecal displacement, early toenail curling, lipshitz, slaughterhouse-4, unwanted capybara copulation, mantronix… it goes on and on.

    Blackening of the vocal cords. Now I sound like James Ingram when I sing.

    Foreign Accent Syndrome. Fuck I sound French sometimes.

    But I wouldn’t change a thing, cuz it gets me so high.

    Reply
  13. doctorright says

    October 30, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    Doctor says I need a backiotomy.

    Reply
  14. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    October 30, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    Jacksonitis
    Pronoun stitching
    Rickles

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      October 31, 2011 at 10:23 am

      I heard those Don Rickles effects were life changing.

      Reply
  15. Chuck in Belpre says

    October 31, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Dry-shaving of the scrotum
    Waking every morning yelling “Taa-Daa”!
    Foamy urination
    Urge to write a novel

    Reply
  16. FirstNations says

    October 31, 2011 at 9:54 am

    ..random regurgitation, hammer eye, and, Padre Pio Syndrome, uncontrollable synchronised swimming,botrytis, weeping scale, giant radioactive leeches, and, misplaced conjunction,carbuncles, catarrh, and a persistent sense of entitlement.

    pozzed.

    Reply
    • renn says

      October 31, 2011 at 7:08 pm

      The phrase ‘weeping scale’ made me spit coffee across the room. Well done.

      Reply
  17. FirstNations says

    October 31, 2011 at 9:55 am

    and

    Reply
    • CADude says

      October 31, 2011 at 12:58 pm

      a baby’s arm holding an apple.

      Reply
  18. madz1962 says

    October 31, 2011 at 10:25 am

    I wouldn’t mind Tic Tac teeth, provided of course they weren’t the green spearmint kind. Nor the orange.

    I do call my doctor though at the first sign of Beechnut Fruit Stripe gum teeth. That’s a sure sign I’ve taken things too far.

    Reply
  19. Henderson says

    October 31, 2011 at 10:56 am

    voting Demmocrat

    Reply
  20. Henderson says

    October 31, 2011 at 10:56 am

    voting Democrat…….

    Reply
  21. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    October 31, 2011 at 11:15 am

    eschewing obfuscation
    indefatigable perspicaciousness
    feelin’ groovy

    Reply
  22. icecycle66 says

    October 31, 2011 at 11:31 am

    …fuzzy heel, inverted knee, the crouch, bent tongue syndrome, Lorenzo Soil, Spinal Abifalitus, particle breath, fartty pits, one big thick hair jutting forth from your scalp, instant death, Quagmire Tooth, Jeff Kay face, mud butt, pillowy balls, cracked ribs, half-retarded smile, angular disjointedness, weed breath, Midas touch, conical breasts, moist toes, eternal life, Restless Bowel Syndrome, late life abortion, glow in the dark hair, the jibblies, the willies, the heebies, the jeebies, the heeby-jeebies, the Ernies, the fright, jitters, creeps, smoking, joking, male pattern lactating, bulbous crotch meat…

    Reply
    • FirstNations says

      October 31, 2011 at 8:04 pm

      male pattern lactation giv’d me a wicked chuckle, ummhmmm.

      Reply
  23. johnthebasket says

    October 31, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    …mopery, reverse sneezing, uncontrollable tumescence while listening to Pia Zadora records, curly hair syndrome, Curly Howard syndrome, rodent breath, Nixon beard, random shouting of Ed McMahonish “Hi-yo”, ability to check out combined with inability to leave, fixation on meeting California emissions standards, dressing like Sonny Crockett disorder.

    jtb

    Reply
  24. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    October 31, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Stab-it-with-their-steely-knives-but-they-just-can’t-kill-the-beast disorder

    Bono-pox

    Melon-baller fixation

    Reply
    • Lee Harvey Ramone says

      October 31, 2011 at 12:55 pm

      Beatlesque Feng-shui Amok

      Reply
    • chill says

      October 31, 2011 at 5:04 pm

      Turning up the Eagles because the neighbors are listening.
      .

      Reply
  25. rob says

    October 31, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    If you’ve taken Surfitol and are experiencing any of these symptoms, call 800-SUE-ASS!

    Reply
  26. Bill in WV says

    October 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    I experienced Cheese Puff boogers.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      October 31, 2011 at 2:58 pm

      the puffy kind? Or the crunchy kind?

      the crunchy kind require immediate surgery.

      Reply
  27. icecycle66 says

    October 31, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    …block and tackle penis, Gershwin fleshing, bassoonismitus, ham fists, descending lap, itchy/hairy palms, blindness, acne, wiener chaffing, stuttering, discolored blood, oozing lesion, insatiable love for the dead, certain social diseases, jiggly guts, vampirism, gay sparkly vampirism, receptionist neck, the shits, unwanted boner, wanted boner, four hour and one minute boner, erectile dysfunction, not so fresh feeling, bloody nose, bloody stool, bloody blood, murder, urge to sort out different length wood screws and store them in old Foldger’s coffee cans, shingles, cauliflower lips, glossy eyes, unresponsiveness, boogers the size of nickels, hypertension…

    Reply
    • doctorright says

      October 31, 2011 at 3:38 pm

      To be honest, I saw a combination of symptoms from your lists today that I found absolutely intriguing.

      I would really take me some Surfitol if I could combine eternal life with the compulsion to murder. But only if I didn’t have to also be a gay, sparkly vampire.

      Reply
      • icecycle66 says

        October 31, 2011 at 4:35 pm

        They aren’t optional, these are frequent and reoccuring side effects listed on that booklet stapled to the bag with my tabs in it.

        Reply
        • doctorright says

          October 31, 2011 at 6:15 pm

          Oh. Wow. I misunderstood. Holy shit. That’s an unfortunate, though comprehensive, list of symptoms.

          I still would have been down with the program until I learned that it caused fandom of Chris Tucker.

          Reply
    • FirstNations says

      October 31, 2011 at 8:23 pm

      I shouldn’t be reading this baked. I’m in actual pain from laughing. Trick or Treaters are leaving before they knock because of the crazy lady they can hear laughing iside the town hippie house. Oh my god, jiggly guts and gay sparkly vampirism and receptionist neck, I’m dfying here.

      Reply
  28. madz1962 says

    October 31, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Off topic I know – but Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick – I just read I may not get power back until November 3. WTF??? I have a generator (thank God) but still – it has its limits. The state sent teams of Electrical crews from Rochester down to the Hudson Valley. Hey, I can at least take a shower and flush my toilets. But really? 6 days without power???

    Reply
    • doctorright says

      October 31, 2011 at 3:47 pm

      Shit. I like winter, but that’s some ridiculousness right there. We got lucky, I guess, down here in Maryland. No snow, at least in this part of the state.
      We are still chock full of unibrowed, facially unfortunate mouth-breathing idiot shitnecks, though.
      Still, I’d rather be here than there.
      Good luck to ya.
      (smiley face)

      Reply
    • bikerchick says

      October 31, 2011 at 4:14 pm

      No power?? Did you have a blizzard or something? Another hurricane? Wotta pain in the puss. (which, btw, is a symptom of Surfitol)

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        October 31, 2011 at 5:01 pm

        Nor’Easter dumped a foot of snow on us. Heavy heavy snow snapped trees and power lines like they were toothpicks. My lawn looks like a tree graveyard. I lost bushes, trees, limbs. I have to go 1/2 hour out of my way tomorrow to get to work. It’s the only way in and out of here.

        Reply
        • bikerchick says

          November 1, 2011 at 8:59 am

          When I was making dinner last night, they had it on the news. Immediately thought of you. That is just craziness! Gonna be a long LONG winter if this shit is starting already.

          Come on down to PA! We have a spare bedroom for you and your beloved. We’ll go out for the Steeler game Sunday night!

          Reply
          • madz1962 says

            November 1, 2011 at 12:22 pm

            Awww bikerchick, thank you for your hospitality! You know, PA and NY aren’t that far apart. One of these days we need a Surf Reunion. Or actually, a Union since we never met – it oculdn’t be a RE-union.

            How about an onion? We’ll have a surf onion!

            Reply
  29. icecycle66 says

    October 31, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    …hick lip, urine replaced by steam, glitter lung, gout, vision may be altered so that tall skinny people appear to be hot dogs and short fat people appear to be hamburgers, Hipster Fasciitis, niacin deficiency, inability to digest chewed food, spontaneous recitation of American Presidents (including Jefferson Davis), crab feet, jungle fever, inability to swallow, lump gut, old person smell, sliding scalp, desire to frequently pay for items in three easy payments of equal amounts and one difficult payment requiring advanced arithmetic, petrified gall, floppy vagina, purified taint, racism, the vapors, shoddy bones, clicking eye, confusion about cloud computing, inexplicable weeping, bruising of the teeth, belt strapping…

    Reply
  30. icecycle66 says

    October 31, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    …indo-sexuality, hip-hop pulse, aggressive perspiration, sleep apnea, rape, increased speed at which two-seam fastballs reach the plate, hot dog neck, archer’s hip, Ups Syndrome, transformative vomiting, heat breath, angry feces, explosive combustion, pendulum tits, natural anal closure, engorged uvula, political sway, increased histamine production in the presence of hippies, ability to control the weather, other people can read your mind, believing in yourself, spontaneous hand-job motions while in public, becoming a Chris Tucker fan, gluey saliva, increased Oatmeal Cream Pie consumption, platinum level Costco membership, abdomen decompression, intestinal twist, the yank, altered perspectives, decreased sexual ability, increased sexual desire, muscle atrophy, cartilage hemorrhaging…

    Reply
  31. Al says

    October 31, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    cougar knockers, flatulence breath, distended nipples, visible colon, hamster brain……………proccupation with the jerry springer show, anally impacted rodents………..

    Reply
  32. doctorright says

    October 31, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    Has anyone else experienced the fecklessness?

    Or needed the penile implant?

    This stuff is no joke.

    Reply
  33. renn says

    October 31, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    My daughter suggested that it may also cause the Sewer Jets, Nightmare Intestine Syndrome, Finger Mold and Braided Back Hair.

    Reply
  34. The Qweezy Mark says

    October 31, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    I just had a McRib.

    Reply
    • Chuck in Belpre says

      October 31, 2011 at 10:04 pm

      Fuckin pickles on pork!!! I will never forgive them for that. NEVER!!!

      Reply
      • T Farty McAppleass says

        November 1, 2011 at 1:22 am

        It’s a kitchen sponge soaked in BBQ sauce. I’ve been drawn to them in the past, but always disappointed.

        Reply
        • clintcurtis says

          November 1, 2011 at 6:37 am

          Shit, at least you had a shot at the McRib, Chuck! I don’t get to travel ino Anchorage til December…long after they are off the menu! Sucks when your closest fast food place besides Subway is 500 mile away.

          Reply
          • The Qweezy Mark says

            November 1, 2011 at 12:05 pm

            It’s salt, it’s fat, it tastes good, that’s all I need. Check this out. Dont really know if this link will work, but….

            http://xfinitytv.comcast.net/blogs/2011/lifestyle/whats-hiding-under-the-mcrib-sauce/?cmpid=FCST_hero_hot

            Reply
  35. FirstNations says

    October 31, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    frequent nasal hallucinations, desidirata of the hispanic, a fever for the flavor of a Pringles, detactched vitals, Rosanne Barr Syndrome, hippodromic sleep patterns, increased production of urine (non-union), mauveness, Uriah heeps, melting sensation, vexation, enhanced night vision, random visualization of whirled peas and subsequent sense of self-loathing, diparadigmic encephaly, vapor lock, and Nixon penis.

    Reply
  36. chill says

    October 31, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Nixon penis AS WELL AS Johnson johnson.
    .

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      October 31, 2011 at 11:34 pm

      I’m a Johnson & Johnson johnson survivor. It was pretty sick, but it sure stayed clean.

      jtb

      Reply
  37. m says

    October 31, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    I know that this is somewhat off topic (although it is a bizarre commercial for a health care product) but I cannot get over this commercial. I do a Scooby Do “huh?” every time I see it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_zJwLZ49zM

    Reply
    • T Farty McAppleass says

      November 1, 2011 at 1:26 am

      “Hail to the V” is their slogan.

      Reply
  38. Ed says

    October 31, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    Anal scurvy, lactating armpits, rickets of the penis.

    Reply
  39. icecycle66 says

    October 31, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    Free new album from the founders of pop rock/psychadelic rock. A lot of tracks discovered in old boxes in studio closets.

    Everyone.

    Download this album from the seminal rock band “The Spinning Gumdrops”.

    They were so far ahead of their time they could almost tell the future.

    http://www.archive.org/details/TheSpinningGumdrops-FecalMatterOnAWall

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX0iRbLNOFA

    Reply
    • FirstNations says

      November 1, 2011 at 10:37 am

      ‘Hey, human………………….
      ……….hey.’

      That kind of scared me.

      Reply
  40. Furious G says

    November 1, 2011 at 3:17 am

    Distended camel toe
    Obesity related hypoventilation 
    Double jointed fisting syndrome

    Reply
  41. clintcurtis says

    November 1, 2011 at 4:46 am

    Funny update, but seriously, I’m taking some serious shit right now as to where I really cannot distinguish what is worse…the drugs or the disease. Yeah, with the drugs I get the dry heaves for several hors after taking them, but I can pee normally. Without them I peed about two tablespoons of brown pee once a day. Go drugs!

    Reply
  42. madz1962 says

    November 1, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Further Evidence is going to give me nightmares.

    Reply
  43. SC Scott says

    November 2, 2011 at 8:51 am

    lava hot semen, toe jam of the fingers, from under cheese of the lips, glowing underarm hair, lice of the ear canal, gumdrop tears, vericose veins of the eyes, locking eyelids, and bulging freckles.

    Reply

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