Please note: I am not associated with Hormel Foods in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I’m going to give it a shot, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it could very well lead to heartache and an unpleasant evening atop the toilet with an anus o’ fire.
How do I prepare my ham or turkey?
Seriously? People send letters to corporations, asking how to cook a ham? That makes me sad. If the process baffles you, and you find yourself thinking, “Do I boil it? Should I fry it up in a skillet?” just ask someone, like your mother. I’d be willing to bet there’s a person in your life who has cooked a goddamn turkey. Don’t compose a note to a multinational corporation, you idiot, just ask someone. Or, if you’re estranged from the rest of the human race, because you’re “misunderstood,” there’s this thing called Google. Sheesh. In any case… you put it in a pan, and shove it in the oven for a while. I hope this helps.
Are recipe submissions accepted?
What? We process and package meats inside giant factories here. You do understand that, right?
Do you have shelf stable products available for an emergency preparedness kit?
You mean, like when the government comes for your guns and you’re forced to hole up inside a fortified compound in the hills? Yes, we suggest the Hormel Pepperoni Stix and Cheese for this situation. And remember, it’s not if, it’s when.
Where can I find Hormel Food products not carried at my local grocery store?
Try the meat department at JCPenney.
Can I serve refrigerated meat products after the expiration date?
You certainly can! Assuming, of course, you’re the type of person who gives their family spoiled meat. If that describes you, then, by all means, go for it.
Cure 81 Ham
This is not a question. It’s like if someone walked up to you, and the following conversation took place:
Them: Hey, can I ask you something?
You: Sure.
Them: Chest of drawers.
You see? It doesn’t track.
What is SPAM?
It’s a delicious block of mysterious meats, the color of human flesh, packed inside a gasket of snot. People like to pretend they don’t like it, but they’re liars. It’s freakin’ fantastic. The secret: don’t think about it, just enjoy it. Sure, it keeps getting bigger the longer you chew, but put that out of your mind. Just fry it up, and go to town. And never mind the clear spots.
Can I join the SPAM fan club?
That’s the spirit! Just send us your t-shirt size (6X or 8X), and we’ll start the process immediately.
Other Frequently Asked Questions
Support us by doing your shopping at Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you guys!
I too, am not associated with Hormel foods……………….
What is this? 3 out of the last 5 reports you’re first? Slacker.
Figured I’d be hearing from you. It’s merely a symptom of working alone, at home and online that lets me slack this bad. This and AdultFriendFinder.com and YouPorn.com.
Oh fuck, LMFAO to the point of tears!
Awesome!
Love the line about Spam-sized shirts!!
That’s the one that got me smiling out loud. Genius.
I love me some corned beef. I wonder how the get the corn into the beef?
I think the easiest way would be to get the corn into the cow while it will stand up and willingly eat it.
Spam is incredibly popular in Hawaii……..no joke, I lived there and spam and pineapple combinations are off the chain !!…….( I still can’t stomach it, though )
I got something in the mail with a return address for “Cargill Meat Solutions.” Why not “Cargill Meat Products” or just “Cargill Meats”? Having problems with your meat? We have solutions!
See now, “Meat Solutions” makes me think more along the lines of liquified meat. As in a solution of meat and saline.
That gives me a Jeff-Kay-style full-on body shiver.
A slaughterhouse I routinely drive past recently changed it’s slogan/signs from “XXXX Meats” to “XXXX Pork Solutions”.
Solutions?
Solutions to what problem? That the sausage you want is still walking around?
Unless there’s a sty full of puzzled pigs with nowhere to go. Then they may need solutions…
Drop in one day and ask to see these new liquid pork products they have and maybe try it out.
Like Pork Soda? (Primus reference)
Ohmygod, I really shouldn’t read this at work. I literally barked out a laugh on this one. I’m certain my co-workers refer to me as “that strange lady in finance.”
Simply excellent.
I’m glad to see that someone else out there holds the belief that “Spam haters” are all a bunch of liars.
So where do we send the candid snap shots of the family gathered at the table while Daddy carved the Easter Spam?
I’ll be sure to enclose the recipe!
It started out funny and got better from there. I like how the only SPAM shirt sizes are 6X or 8X. Please make this a recurring feature!
The T-shirt sizes for the “Spam Fan Club” are KILLING me! That is pure gold, right there! Update was definitely worth the wait.
I DO like me some SPAM, but it has to be thinly sliced and fried until almost burnt. But it’s not something you’d want to eat everyday…unless of course that ‘s all you have left in your “End of the Mayan Calendar” doomsday bunker!
ditto on the spam sandwich but you forgot the grape jelly…
O.o
Hi Metten…thanks for writing today’s update for Jeff. Good stuff! Glad to know you’ve managed avoided prison so far.
regards…-dto
I got a job offer e-mail from “Smithfield Foods” this week. Some VP wanted an assistant. He claimed to be in Canada at the moment and wanted to pay me a couple of grand a week to take care of his light work. He wanted to overnight me a check so I could buy toys for some orphanage on behalf of “Smithfield Foods”. Yeah, it was a goddamn Nigerian scammer. But they’re getting sophisticated. The guy he claimed to be does actually exists. You can look him up on the web and he’s right there on their corporate website. I sent them a quick note and some guy sent me a reply that amounted to, “Yeah, goddamn Nigerian scammers.”
Has anyone ever mailed a half-eaten candy bar or something like that back to the company the way it ask you to on the wrapper? I know a guy that’s always doing shit like that. Constantly complaining that his M&M’s or Snicker’s Bar “wasn’t fresh”. Twatwad.
My friend got a Pepsi out of the vending machine, opened it and so help me God it smelled like ass. Since I was bored, I called the 800 number for her. They sent a shit load of coupons. I’m sure the ass smell came from some kind of pressure/carbonation/plastic top being off a hair but it really did stink.
Don’t forget the Spam with Bacon! NOMNOMNOM
…and…
http://nozama.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/09/09/spam_mousse_2.jpg
I have actually worked on the Spammobile and worked on a commercial for the spamalot stage show here in Vegas.
Very cool, VR. Got some merch and perks?
jtb
A spam hat and a handshake from Palin.
Spam Hat sounds like a disease… or a fun sexual position.. heh
As does a “handshake from Palin”.
jtb
LOL
Thank god someone finally answered all these. Although, I have a few follow-ups I’d like to ask.
When you say “you put it in a pan, and shove it in the oven for a while” do I have to be in the oven pushing it around? I don’t fit in the oven, I can get my head in from about the shoulders up though. Should I have the neighbor kid sit in there pushing it around? Or, can I just open the oven and move the pan every few minutes?
Maybe I should rephrase the second question. Do you ever reject recipes? Are all the recipes for love I keep send going to be put on the back of the pepperoni box or not?
We don’t have a JCPenny. Do you distribute through Mervyn’s?
Do you sell the emergency ration supplies in bulk? I’m single, but I would like to have enough to feed three people a day.
Thanks for clarifying the expiration date. On an unrelated note, how long does it take for the cheese to grow in your ham & cheese loaf? I’ve been soaking a huck of sandwich ham in a bowl of milk for about 6 weeks now and have only gotten cottage cheese to form. It tastes pretty good, but I would really rather the cheddar. How much longer does the ham need to soak?
Okay then.
Bologna string disposal.
Is that a better question, Mr. Trebek?
Do you sell just the clear parts of Spam? If so, can I find that at Mervyn’s also? I drive my mom to Mervyn’s every Tuesday morning at ten o’clock. I’d really like to get all my shopping done while I’m helping her find her brand of pantyhose.
6X
A little warning would have been nice so I could have emptied my bladder before reading this. No worries, no accident this time. *wipes away tears*
What kind of pot does your potted meat use?
about 30 years ago, I may have known the answer.
Sour Diesel.
Hilarious update, Jeff. I swear we were separated at birth because these are the kinds of things I think about on a regular basis. of course, my thoughts usually turn int rants as in “What kind of fucklebg would write in a stupid ass question like this?”
My neighbor has a pot bellied pig named Spamela. Sounds appropriate to me.
What tone of voice should I use when speaking to my Hormel meat products?
Funny fuckin’ stuff! Had me laughing against my will at work. The description of SPAM is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
That was one fucking hilarious update. Very nice way to start my 12 hour evening at work.
ROFL….I lost it at “gasket of snot” Excellent!
Hi from one Lori to another!
Can you fuck SPAM if you are out of gubmint cheese? Please let me know because it is an emergency.
Yes, but you have to keep it cold. The fato globules in the Spam heat up faster and stay hot longer than the pork particles.
If you heat it up, upon penitration, the fat pockets can burst and burn your crucial member.
Use a rubber. You don’t want any of that pork meat ending up in your piss hole. That’d make for a humiliating trip to the ER (speaking from experience) several days later.
SPAM will leave you early the next morning and you can flush that relationship goodby. Cheese on the other hand tends to stay with you a little while longer and can sometimes be hard to get rid of. Clingy…know what I mean. If it’s just a one night spam you’re out for…ok. I’m a long term guy and wait for the right cheese to come along.
God Bless you dto. Happy cheese hunting. A good place to meet “women” is the grocery store or even Wal Mart.
Wham Bam thank you Spam!
OMG…that’s HILARIOUS!!!
BTW–I think I’m gonna pass on that Spam and Velveeta sammich!
I like my meats like I like my women: untouched by human hands. Factory meats are the only way to go, people. And you haven’t lived until you’ve had a pork product fresh off the line – I’m talking about standing there, at the line, eating.
SPAM is shit. It’s made from pork shoulder, so you’d think it would be okay. Maybe the spices they use or something, but I think it’s revolting.
i like my meat like I like my women, butchered.
What was the ratio of bags of lime to dead hooker again?
Lime will preserve the body.
What you want is lye.
You need:
a tub large enough for 100 gallons of solution plus the body
30 gallons of lye
70 gallons of fresh water
protective gear
about 6 days.
No, I want lime. I like to preserve them for future “use”.
I hear ya Unc. 40 pounds of lime should do the trick. I’ve been fucking the same corpse for 18 months now.
Oh. Okay. I hope you don’t live in Texas.
In this case you’ll need enough lime to encase the body in a half in layer.
The best way to do this would be to dig a hole about 5 feet deep. Make sure the hole is big enough to lay the body out. You don’t want the body parts touching eachother, for best preservation.
Line the bottom of the hole with 2 or 3 inches of medium sized limestone.
Put your first layer of lime down. make this one a little extra thick due to the weight of the body.
Lay the body in the hole, make sure there isn’t any excess moisture on the body.
Now cover the top and sides of the dirty whore who deserved what she got and will get later with a quarter to half an inch of lime.
Add another layer of limestone on top if you don’t plan on getting him/her in the near future. Otherwise just fill the hole back with dirt.
This should keep your lover’s corpse from decaying for at least 2 to 5 years.
Ok, this conversation just became a little to “how-to” for me and now I’m officially disturbed.
It actually took longer than I thought.
Anyone who’s willing to simply fuck a bag of lime can skip over most of these steps.
This is what I recommend.
http://www.acehardware.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2783785
If you ask the security guard at your local Ace the garden fuckery section is they’ll know exactly what you need.
This is also important.
You can get some pretty heavy build-up after a long weekend in Vermont with your prize.
http://www.acehardware.com/product/index.jsp?productId=1276868
Good point, Jason, but lime in the dick-hole is no laughing matter. It’s worse than Spam.
Jeff, thanks for the almost daily updates.. This is my favorite site by far.. I still think you and Metten should do a podcast.. Bikerchick and Madz can be the news girls.. Jason could provide Creeps of the week.. DTO could give us the road report and JTB our daily bit of poe-tree. Icecycle could give us the Grumpy ol man rant (or is that WB?) anyway, i listen to too much adam carolla and shit so pardon my fantasy audio life
Lori…
I strongly suggest you subscribe to “How Was Your Week” with Julie Klausner. She’s funnier than Mr. Carolla and less full of herself. I know she’s a favorite of Jeff’s as well. She records a new episode every Thursday night and releases it sometime Friday morning.
And it would be an honor to have a minor role in a Jeff podcast, featuring the voices you identified. DTO From Somewhere On The Road could be an award winning segment. As grumpy as WB is, Chuck has that wonderful “get off my lawn” attitude we all love. They should probably have a segment together, possibly Two Pissed Off Old Men From Ohio.
The possibilities are inviting and boundless.
jtb
looking it up on my Podkicker app right now.. thanks for the tip.. i like greg proops too (a little liberal for me but thats ok) love his knowledge of history.
Creeps of the week? WTF? Should I cancel my trip to propose to you, lovely lori in cbus? Christ.
guess i blew that.. so to speak
Hell Yeah!! I’m in. I’ll be headed back out on the road come first of September driving one of those big bastards again carrying a sign I put up when chicks pass me that says ..”SHOW ME YOUR TITS”. I’ll give daily reports. I’m allowed to have a passenger. I’ll stop by and pick you up Lori. Hell…any of you guys/gals wanna ride around all over the country in a big ass semi for a week? …let me know. Honest. I can make that happen.
Will we (really) see tits? If so, I’m in.
Lori, thank you for thinking of me. I’ll be honored to do the news. Picture it: “It’s day 9 at the Scranton, PA Stand-off, yet one employee, a Mr. Jeff Kay, still refuses to use the employee bathroom to take a much needed, vending machine fueled dump.”
Not guaranteed Jason. In fact…haven’t seen any. But pushing that thing around for 600 miles a day just knowing I’m surrounded by some great tits out there in this great country of ours is a reward all its own.
***oh…in the truck it’s all business and safety with me. Honest. Your howler monkey will have to remain caged and any marmots you bring must be tethered while we’re rolling. My ample supply of ether will help them remain calm if we need to resort to that.
…and thanks for thinking of me Lori in cbus.
DTO, I would totally ride shotgun with you!! I’ll keep my monkey caged but i can’t guarantee the marmots not to escape from time to time..
too bad when I am on vacation 8-24 thru 9-3, I am moving into my new townhome..
Lori Darlin…I am pleased to know it’s not a matter of ‘if’, but merely when you can ride shotgun. There is no specific DOT regulation regarding loose marmots in a CMV (Commercial Motor Vehicle). Just a thing I try to keep at a minimum. I’m sure we’ll be fine. Just don’t like them getting under the pedals. Not safe.
Monthly podcast with five additional articles and reports. That could be the next Gawker; but you know, good.
Also, I think i’m one of the younger regulars.
Damn teenagers.
I thought I was one of the youngest regulars. Class of 98.
I’M NOT GRUMPY GOTDAMMIT!!
AND I’M NOT A CREEP. GOTDAMMIT!!!!!
OH NO! I meant that as you probably know so many creeps in your travels and whatever.. you, sir, are definitely not a creep (except on the weekends)
I may have gotten you and Chuck in Belpre mixed up.. so sorry 😉 (but damn, you are only slightly disgruntled lol)
Thanks for the starring role, lori!! I think madz and I would be quite the news team! I’m up for the task…ie: “Local Scranton man has melt down due to receiving unwanted pickles on fast food burger. Live feed from paddy wagon at 6”.
If it’s a burger, shouldn’t that be the “patty wagon?”
OMG I am getting a roach coach and naming it The Patty Wagon! Burgers will make you mental!
It would be extra-perfect if your name were Patty. Just sayin’.
.
Awesome update!
BTW, we all know, do we not, that nobody actually posed those questions to SpamCorp? They were all made up by the Committee of Weenies in the marketing department.
.
Spam on white bread with brown speckled lettuce. MMMM. MMMM.
With a thick layer of mayonnaise. It don’t get any better than that.
Fag walks into a butcher shop. “I’d like some pepperoni please”.
Butcher says “you want that sliced?” Fag says “What do I look like, a fucking piggy bank?”.
Pulled that straight off the Hormel site, under “about us”.
Quote from Larry applies….
Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are!!!
Jeff, That snuff video is nastier than unplanned anal sex.
Hilariously well said.
I did have a bit of trepidation when I saw the words “snuff video”.
SPAM= substance posing as meat
Turkey spam is excellent. It meets all the criteria of real meat.
A friend refers to the snot gasket as Camel Mucus. I think they’re a tie.
Wow–the last time I ate spam (Spam?) was at my grandmother’s house in 1985 or ’86. How can I be so sure of the date? It was the day Ricky Nelson died in a plane crash…and my sister and I thought it was WILLIE Nelson. (Of course, if it had been ol’ Willie, he’d probably be feeling no pain. Hell, Ricky probably wasn’t either.
That’s the perfect New Year’s Eve/Day breakfast–fried Spam, Kraft sandwich spread, and Country Hearth wheat bread (another one of those regional brands that seem to have fallen by the wayside). Now I couldn’t even smell that shit cooking without my blood pressure rising exponentially, and probably vomiting in the nearest trash can.
I tried posting again from Jamboree in the Hills, but the reception and phone use was limited…..but I could still read the comments.
One of THE BEST updates EVER!!! Everyone wanted to know what the hell I was laughing at. I was reading this while waiting for my turn for a corn hole game.
Jeff. Must. Do. This. Again!!!
Hee Hee, she said “corn hole” Hee Hee