Please note: I am not associated with Dairy Queen in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I’m going to do it, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it will only lead to confusion and sadness. Hell, I don’t think I’ve even been to a DQ during the past five years or so. However, I am a big fan of their Oreo Blizzards and wish I had one right now. Let’s get down to business.
I am looking for a job.
This is a statement, not a question. So… your attention to detail is obviously lacking, and it’s safe to say you’re not very bright. If you can’t even get this simple thing right, we can only imagine what a giant pain in our asses you’d be if somebody dropped the ball and we actually hired you. Oh, we’ve been around long enough to know you’d be some ungodly flavor of spirit-crushing nightmare. Indeed, the very thought of you working for this company casts a dark shadow across our souls. But we’ll keep your application on file. Thanks for stopping by.
Would you donate to our event or program?
Look, we’re getting our asses handed to us over here. Everybody’s into health foods and FroYo these days, and it’s like 1965 in this place. Our “ice cream” is bags of chalky powder that arrive on Thursdays via DHL. We have no money. We can let you put a cancer bucket by the cash register, but that’s about the best we can do. Sheesh.
What happened to Dennis the Menace?
It’s a cartoon from the 1950s, man. Do you think these entitled little shits that pass for children nowadays are going to be impressed by something like that? We need revenue, goddammit. Dennis the Menace? Why not Kukla, Fran, and Ollie? Or Corky the freaking Circus Boy? Of course Dennis was better than that fat-pants pervert Subway had for a long time, but still. I’m so depressed right now I could cry.
I have a product or service I want to offer DQ. How do I do so?
We invite you to put together a detailed proposal, format it accordingly, and twist it straight up your anus.
Why don’t the employees at my local DQ wear gloves?
Well, aren’t you the precious little snowflake? We tested gloves in a couple of stores in Ohio, or someplace equally horrible, and it turned out to be a complete waste of money. The employees there would put them on, and continue to scratch their buttholes, reset their scrotums, and tweak their cooters. So, what’s the point? Anyway, get off your high-horse with that crap. Studies have shown that a small amount of filth and feces makes the body stronger, and keeps the immune system firing on all cylinders. Eating poop is healthy!
What is a Royal Treat?
It’s a premium option at the Magic Bliss Oriental Massage out on Highway 81. Why do you ask?
What is the “glue” that is used to hold the paper on my soft serve cone?
There’s no easy way of knowing. That shit comes in from China or Singapore, or whatever. God only knows what they use over there. Hell, it’s probably something different every time. Our best advice: if the rampant runaway rashing and/or blindness hasn’t kicked in after one hour, you’ll probably be OK.
Where can I find nutritional information for your products?
Oh my God. This is Dairy Queen. Is it impossible for you to remove the stick of righteousness from your ass for just 15 or 20 minutes, and enjoy a fucking Dilly Bar for godsakes? I bet you’re a lot of fun at parties, aren’t you? Do you ever get the feeling your “friends” are making conspiratorial faces at each other behind your back? Well, there’s a reason for that. Sweet sainted mother of Quinn Martin!
Other Frequently Asked Questions
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I wonder if people really ask that last one. I suppose they do.
As a former DQ employee, I can report that yes, people really do ask that last one. They also bring back their ice cream because it melted…
That is hilarious. They use to have a lock on things here in Morgantown. And then a Cold Stone opened up right down the street several years ago now.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
As a lesbian trapped in a man’s body, which restroom should I use when visiting a DQ? The one that matches the gender on my birth certificate, or should I just urinate on the back wall of the building as I always do?
Obviously, the back wall. The relevant question is which way do you face?
Now I need to go to Dairy Queen.
This precious little snowflake wanted to say nicely done. I’m laughing on company time.
This precious little snowflake really really really really needed this today. Thanks, Jeff.
I – ahem- work in the fast food industry now doing accounts payable. Let me tell you, the height of dumb assery is so high I feel like Mrs. Mensa. And yes, my resume is already out there.
Phil Jett says
Man this was fucking funny.
I have a DQ question, although it’s obviously not Frequently Asked. What was the line of thought which led to the decision to call DQ’s beef-patty-on-a-bun offering the “Brassiere Burger?”
Bunch of tits working at DQ HQ?
I’ve never been to DQ ever. Not once, I don’t feel like I’m missing out.
Appeal to the subconcious male mine when they get to wrap their mouth around a mound of sweet brazzier contents. =-)
Not Oprah says
Maybe unrelated put so p!ssed when I go to Staples now and be asked if
I wish to donate to students school supplies (I’m from CAD, not 3rd world country for the most part). Seriously these sh!ts go on field trips to Paris, there are free pencils at the library dumbasses. Do something with your life.
Root 66 says
The glove explanation is hilarious. I’ve seen employees at other places put on gloves, run the cash register (while handling filthy, nasty money from god-knows-where) then proceed to get your cup and handle your food…makes perfect sense to me. Kind of like a bald guy wearing a hairnet!
I love this shit.
Where Can I Buy Dairy Queen Gift Certificates?
Really? Maybe you should go to your nearest McDonalds and ask them for a DQ gift certificate.
If I remember correctly, a DQ napkin pinned to your ball cap looks just like a fishing license.
Erica in Charlotte says
Hahaha I just got around to reading this and laughed my ass off. (I hope that people who write “hahaha” in lieu of the odious “lol” aren’t on your shit list.)
Would welcome more FAQ sessions from the WVSR.